To be upset that I am so clearly utterly unsuited to being a SAHM.

[Pontouf]

I am not a SAHM. I am on maternity leave with my second child. However the principle is there. I have always wanted children, since right back when I was one. I wanted a big brood to play together and imagined spending lovely days having fun with them. I though I would be great at being a Mum and would enjoy it so much. I had visions of being a lovely earth mother type.I cannot believe how different the reality is.

I am at home with a 6mo DD and a DS who is 3 next month. I love them so so much and they are really lovely kids but being at home with them all day 7 days a week makes me want to tear my eyes out. I am so fucking bored with not having a conversation that doesn't revolve around dinosaurs or Fireman Sam. I am so sick of asking DS to do something over and over and over and trying to be patient while he gets round to doing it. I am sick of the constant "Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, I'm hungry.

I am so sick to fucking death of being poor. We have about £20 a week at the moment after the bills are paid and groceries are bought with which to entertain the children (it also has to clothe me - hollow laugh) as a result we are either outside in the rain "puddle jumping" or inside trying to find things to do.

I am so incredibly jealous of DH who works 6 days a week in a job he loves. He gets to talk to adults and have a lunch break and be actually useful in the world. I am sick of never getting a day off. Both kids and I had a horrendous vomiting bug for three days last week. If I had been at work I could have taken time off and stayed in bed. As it was I had to deal with washing bedding, clothes, sofa covers, carpets all in between rushing to the toilet. DH managed to negotiate working from home one of the days but wasn't massively helpful as, you know, he had to work.

I feel so happy and so guilty for being happy that I get to go back to work in two months. I love my job, I am really good at it and my colleagues respect me.

I guess I'm just ranting because I am so sad and feel so guilty that I hate being at home so much a lot of the time. I was in tears about it yesterday. I feel like I should be cherishing this time when my kids are little and there are bits if it I absolutely love but so much of it is just so dull and frustrating I can feel my brains trickling out if my ears.

I'm also not quite clear in your vomiting example what is going to be different- if you all get a vomiting bug you won't stay off work being waited on hand and foot, most likely the kids will be off too and you'll still get to do all the washing/clearing up while the work piles on at work but you are unable to do it.

I think it's hard work having little kids, I'm not sure having a f/t job and still juggling the children a lot, sick leave, absences, keeping the house running, children in different schools/nurseries is much easier tbh.

Mintyy, I have seen lots of great threads on here where posters offer amazing, intelligent and acute support for issues like this. I have also seen threads where hatchet-faced people snap things like "they're your children - who did you think was going to look after them?" and "it's just a matter of prioritisation and multi-tasking. Simples" and "I would love to have your problems. I have all that, and angry Jabba-the-hutt sized toad lodging in our granny flat, who needs to be fed live ferretts every hour" and so on

OP, don't feel guilty. Maybe you feel a bit sad that you are not having the amazing time you dreamed of. You are in the hardest part right now, I think.

Mumsy - I agree.

I think that some people think that working mums have loads of time to themselves when the opposite is true - demanding jobs/managers put a stop to that!

And it's no different as you said when everyone has a bug!

Mumsyblouse, I imagine it is horrible if everyone in a house has noro, but the only times it has come into my house, one person only has had it and passed it to no one. The first time I had it after I had gone back to work after mat leave, the dcs were fine, at the childminder as usual, and I rested and puked in a state of perverse, solitary bliss. It was wonderful.
Each time a child has had it, dp or I will take time off to look after her and the other is very grateful, it is not a default "oh you get the shitty sheets as usual" option for either of us. Thank god

I do recognise that things aren't going to actually be easier when I go back to work, especially as I will be doing full time over four days. But the days will be different. Unfortunately my job is such that even if I went back part time, my manager could only guarantee me one set day off a week and we often only get our shifts with 2-3 weeks notice so in effect I was going to end up paying for childcare I may not need. I wanted to go back 3 long days but would have had to cover myself with childcare for four days which my salary wouldn't cover for two children. So I'm basically in a situation where I can go back full time or not at all. I am telling myself it's only for another two years, till DS is in school and then we can re-evaluate.

Also, from the end of Novemeber DH will be giving up his Sunday work so we will have one day a week all together which will be nice.

I was exactly the same OP: looked forward to being a SAHM, had two children, had the chance to SAH and ran for the hills office! I finished maternity leave last month and absolutely love being back at work (also working 4 days). I refuse to feel guilty about it because our current arrangement means the DC are well looked after and I am so much happier.

I'm not trying to put you off! I love working and am not great at SAHM although I did find if you had a project on the go (writing a book, courses etc) then the boredom factor was really not there. I just think managing illness when you both work is really hard on couples (and single parents even more so) because if each child does get the noro as mine did, you might have to have two days off each and so on. I have family help with this- I don't think I would cope well without.

Oh, Lady. I hear you. Being a SAHM to very small children and feeling permanently impecunious sucks. I don't think anyone does it for fun so you absolutely should NOT feel guilty for wanting to escape restructure your family life for now so that you feel more fulfilled. I went back for a little while when mine were small, both for financial and insanity reasons and was much happier and probably a better mom, I think. However...as time passed and DH became more successful in his career we were able to more comfortably afford for me to stay at home which serendipitously coincided with the children ALL BEING IN SCHOOL. It's good. I do feel obliged to take care of all the boring, yet pressing, household chores and errands to fill my time and then I spend the rest of the day running, taking long walks with the dog, reading, messing around in coffee shops, taking naps but I can always manage to squeeze in a little 'Me' time in between mopping floors and polishing things Just to say, don't write-off housewifery just yet .

Having had four DC s I think sahm is easier if you have money.
This is contradictory obviously!
I have always worked very part time,ie one day a week,mainly to 'keep my hand in' as they say,as I am a nurse so needed to keep registration up to date or lose it.
I have big gaps between DC1 and 2,smaller ie 3 yrs between DC 2 and 3 and then 6 years between 3 and 4,so haven't had them all at home all day together,and have always had school run to break up day.
One of hardest bits was being at home for a year after DC3,we were in process of moving and DH worked long hours and had an hour commute each end as well.
I have enjoyed being able to be at home most of time,but still keep the social and intellectual aspects of having a job.
DC4 now 7 and I love being at home 6 days out of 7.quiet house,coffees out,lunches out,afternoon nap....

I've been back at work full time for a month after having DD. I learnt on mat leave that I am wholly unsuited to being a SAHM, have no domestic skills, and I need to go to work. It's not that unusual.

Do what makes you sane and happy.

I actually don't understand why you want so much to want something that you don't actually want (iyswim :) )

I love my son utterly, but I don't want to be at home with him 7 days a week, I want some time to be my professional self and concentrate deeply on something cerebral without distraction. I love my work, and I will be a better mother for doing it two to three days a week.

If you don't want to be a sahm then just be happy that you aren't one and stop feeling guilty for not wanting to be one. please.

You shouldn't feel you're going to be flamed. Wanting to work while being a parent is perfectly normal. Of course you love your children as much as anyone else and you are as good a parent as anyone else. You just aren't suited to being at home all the time that's all.

Embrace the fact that you recognise this about yourself and are in a position to make a choice. And no harm in going back to work a bit sooner than planned if you want to either. Year long maternity leave is a recent thing and doesn't suit everyone... Or what about switching and your other half taking some leave ?

Are you me OP?! I feel exactly the same, so you're not alone.

Someone once recommended a great book on here, which I'd like to recommend once again. It's called 'What Mothers Do' - by Naomi Stadden (I think).

There's a chapter in there where describes this situation perfectly.

Which, not where!

Same boat here although I never wanted to be a SAHM and had no illusions that it would suit me. But we ended up moving abroad when DS was born and I don't have a visa to work here yet. Also DH has an insanely stressful job where he travels a lot and does 16 hour days sometimes so if I worked too, DS would never see either of us much. At least with me SAH he has some stability.

I have him in nursery 2 mornings a week now even though he's a year too young for it because he loves it and I'd be a gibbering wreck by now otherwise.

It is so isolating, boring an depressing being stuck at home on your own caring for a baby / toddler or both. I get out a lot and do lots if play dates and so on but it's still very isolating. Definitely not for me... I can't wait to get back to work! Am do jealous you're going back in 2 months!

Yes, what mothers do is a great book - do read it op! You will be surprised by all the wonderful things you are doing without even realising.

Today has been a fairly typical sahm day for me, with my 5 year old (inset day so not at school) and 11 month old baby. I have spent time with two other mums, been to the park, had another child round all afternoon, cooked pie, cleaned the floor, pretended to be a bear, broken up fights, tidied up a zillion toys only to find them all over the place again three minutes later. The baby has been gorgeous but also cranky. The 5 year old has been wonderful company but also had 10 minutes of being so naughty that I seriously nearly whacked him one. There have been lovely, precious moments, like eavesdropping on ds and his friend playing mummies and daddies, helping them roll pastry, reading books quietly with them, but also awful moments when I could have screamed because of the noise and chaos. I have not had a second to myself until now, no fag breaks, no lunch hour, and I have to go and deal with bedtimes in a minute.

Being a sahm can be great on a good day, but even then it can be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Ithink if you are struggling with depression then these highs and lows are particularly exhausting. I am one of those who wouldn't change being a sahm for the world, but I can still see the attraction of an in-tray and deadlines for clearly defined tasks that you walk away from for a bit at the end of the day.

I hope you're feeling a bit better, op. Seriously, read that book - even though it's perfectly okay to want to go back to work, I bet you are still doing a great job of being a sahm.

No flaming here either op. I've been a sahm for nearly six years now, not really by choice more by situation in that we live outside the UK and my language skills are not up to work king locally yet. We are just making ends meet on DH modest salary, no luxuries but enough to meet friend in a cafe or soft play when we want to. And that has, been the key to overcoming all the boring, mundane, mind numbing party of being a sahm -plenty of friends in the same situation. My bids are 6 and 3 now but when they were younger we were out meeting friends every day of the week, in parks, at our house, at toddler groups, you name it. I would have gone insane trying to get through the endless days without my friends and their children to hang out with, have a moan, have a laugh with. It's an alternative to going to paid work just to get some adult company that worked for us. I've also taken on some very flexible voluntary work, enough to keep the grey cells ticking over and feel like I have something other than childcare to do.

I HATED being a SAHM when my DC's were a similar age. I actually got severely depressed and ended up on anti d's.

I am MUCH happier now they are older and we can have some really interesting conversations and they are both
at school and I get 6 hours a day to myself to do as I please.

You are not alone!

I felt the same with my dd. Loved her to pieces, but missed my job. I was stressed out being at home all of the time for exactly the reasons you described. We can't afford for me to be a sahm and I always thought, pre baby, that I would resent that. However, in all honesty im glad. In a better mum for going to work, and a better wife. When I was on mat leave I would get so pissed off if dh was even 5minutes late home, it caused a lot of tension. Now we both work, dh works full time and I work 4 days, dh does more with dd because I physically can't do it all. Dh feels more involved and I feel less stressed. We are both teachers so alternate picking dd up at 4pm and cooking the dinner whilst the other works. Then the person who has stayed at work does bath and bedtime whilst the other catches up on planning and prep. On my day off and at the weekends we always make sure we pack in family activities and give dd plenty of time and attention. It helps that she loves nursery, but this set up is ideal for us. Dont feel guilty. Not wanting to be a sahm doesn't make you a bad mum. If your older dc is three, he should get funded nursery hours, you could send him a couple of mornings a week to lighten your load?

Love MummyToMog's post, and also completely identify with above poster about being cross if DH 5 mins late!

I feel exactly the same as you OP (also on mat leave) - my baby is 8 months and I've really struggled to find age appropriate classes/activities. Soft play etc only seems suitable for older kids. Swimming is good and I go to a music class, but other than that it's difficult to find stuff. Went to a messy play class last week and it was a disaster - DD was far too young for it.

I'm supposed to be going back to work soon but I hate my job - neither am I suited to being a SAHM so I havent got a clue what to do for the best.

Anyway OP, please don't feel guilty. Good luck on your return to work.