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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I am so clearly utterly unsuited to being a SAHM.

121 replies

Pontouf · 18/10/2013 07:26

I am not a SAHM. I am on maternity leave with my second child. However the principle is there. I have always wanted children, since right back when I was one. I wanted a big brood to play together and imagined spending lovely days having fun with them. I though I would be great at being a Mum and would enjoy it so much. I had visions of being a lovely earth mother type.I cannot believe how different the reality is.

I am at home with a 6mo DD and a DS who is 3 next month. I love them so so much and they are really lovely kids but being at home with them all day 7 days a week makes me want to tear my eyes out. I am so fucking bored with not having a conversation that doesn't revolve around dinosaurs or Fireman Sam. I am so sick of asking DS to do something over and over and over and trying to be patient while he gets round to doing it. I am sick of the constant "Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, I'm hungry.

I am so sick to fucking death of being poor. We have about £20 a week at the moment after the bills are paid and groceries are bought with which to entertain the children (it also has to clothe me - hollow laugh) as a result we are either outside in the rain "puddle jumping" or inside trying to find things to do.

I am so incredibly jealous of DH who works 6 days a week in a job he loves. He gets to talk to adults and have a lunch break and be actually useful in the world. I am sick of never getting a day off. Both kids and I had a horrendous vomiting bug for three days last week. If I had been at work I could have taken time off and stayed in bed. As it was I had to deal with washing bedding, clothes, sofa covers, carpets all in between rushing to the toilet. DH managed to negotiate working from home one of the days but wasn't massively helpful as, you know, he had to work.

I feel so happy and so guilty for being happy that I get to go back to work in two months. I love my job, I am really good at it and my colleagues respect me.

I guess I'm just ranting because I am so sad and feel so guilty that I hate being at home so much a lot of the time. I was in tears about it yesterday. I feel like I should be cherishing this time when my kids are little and there are bits if it I absolutely love but so much of it is just so dull and frustrating I can feel my brains trickling out if my ears.

OP posts:
KateSpade · 18/10/2013 09:23

I know exactly how you feel & I only have one child & never been a Full time SAHM, I've always been waiting to start something Uni, find work ect.

My dad said to me last night (after asking him if I was doing the right thing working) that he couldn't see me enjoying being a SAHM.

It's mind-numbing & I did struggle to find things to actually do, without watching TV or going shopping as I don't drive. But the lack of adult interaction had me the most, no adults or anyone to hold a conversation with, I just couldn't do it long term.

nosleeptillbedtime · 18/10/2013 09:25

Most churches have baby toddler groups which are free or a pound or two and you don't have to be religious to go. I agree with the poster who said it ain't natural the way we live now. We were meant to bring up kids in a large social group, not with just one person. It is sooooo hard. I long to be able to poo again without a little person looking up at me!

tomatoplantproject · 18/10/2013 09:28

I have just gone back to work Tuesdays to Thursdays after maternity leave and my goodness it's great to be back - to get that sense of achievement, to get some adult company, to actually THINK. I love dd to pieces but she needs so much stimulation and attention. I am definitely not suited to sahm role.

Mintyy · 18/10/2013 09:28

Op, did you really think you were the only person on Mumsnet to feel like this Confused.

NoComet · 18/10/2013 09:28

I've been a SAHM for 15 years, I was still shit at it until I had DD1 at preschool and DD2 at nursery one day a week.

Small DCs 24/7 do my head in. I certainly have no idea how CM and nursery workers with their own DCs do it.

Small children just give you no space to think and that is exhausting.

gintastic · 18/10/2013 09:29

I work 2 full days and 2 half days. Am so a better mum for it, and it means we aren't on the breadline. Win-win! Best thing is getting to go to loo on my own, finishing a cup of tea before it goes cold and having lunch break! A whole hour!

mrsjay · 18/10/2013 09:31

sometimes Mintyy it can feel like you are the only person on the planet that feels like that especially if you see happy smiley mums all around you looking like they are coping and having a ball

GrandstandingBlueTit · 18/10/2013 09:36

Ha, Mintyy, there are plenty of people on MN who'd give the OP a hard time on this, given half the chance!

Thank God they've, thus far, stayed well away. :)

Mintyy · 18/10/2013 09:41

I completely disagree Grandstandingbluetit. There may be a tiny minority of hardcore "mothers should always be in sole charge of their children and never work" types on Mumsnet, but actually I couldn't even put a name to one.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 18/10/2013 09:45

To be fair, MN is the place to come, if you want this sort of sympathy.

But ... I think generally, society doesn't have much sympathy for this sort of thing, which makes it hard for people - well, women - to talk about it.

I'm on another thread where the OP is being told by (admittedly, a small, hardcore minority) to suck it up and do her DH's share, so maybe I'm being a little unfair. :)

Preciousbane · 18/10/2013 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 18/10/2013 09:52

Which thread is that?

I have slightly got a bee in my bonnet about this because it is rather insulting to the rest of mumsnet and the people who regularly use this site for the op to state "flame away" as if that is what happens all the time when someone admits to struggling with being a sahm.

I have found, in 7 years on here, that understanding and empathy on this oft debated subject is available in bucketloads.

I am not unsympathetic to the op's situation, truly, I am just rather obviously irritated by her attitude that most sahms are somehow more easily pleased and less complex than someone like her who needs the stimulation of a career. People sahm for many reasons, often because of lack of choice, op is lucky that she can go back to work and good luck to her.

mrsjay · 18/10/2013 09:52

Parenting isn't equal some of the time even with fully hands on dads My dh was great when he was here when they were little still is but most of the day to day stuff falls on us and it can mindnumbing and frustrating

BadPoet · 18/10/2013 09:57

I am freelance and was offered a contract when my second child was around 4 months old. I practically bit their arm off. It was only 2 half and one full day at that point but the variety in my week made such an indescribably huge difference to me - and that was even with having to arrange childcare, express milk etc etc.

I was talking to a friend about this yesterday - your children's baby/toddler years ARE so important and precious but are more easily enjoyed in retrospect ;-). Look forward to going back to work, don't feel guilty and it sounds like your family will benefit enormously from having you working and more money coming in. Be proud of that.

trixymalixy · 18/10/2013 10:01

YANBU, i also absoutely hated being at home with two young kids. Going back to work part time saved my sanity.

Harryhairypig · 18/10/2013 10:04

I felt just like you. I worked part time since having the first child so always had sometime at home with them which we spent meeting friends or cuddling up trying to catch up on sleep! Full time SAHM was never financially an option for me, so I've always been grateful that I was happy working part time as it must be sad to want to be at home full time and not be able to. Work gives you a break to have some time alone. On the commute, hot tea and a chance to sit down and go to the loo in peace. I feel a bit regretful I found those preschool years tough but I did my best.

amicissimma · 18/10/2013 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenbananas · 18/10/2013 10:07

No flaming from me either! I'm a sahm, and always wanted to be, but theloneliness and lack of adult conversation does get me down. Sometimes Ifeel like my brain is turning to mush. And it's hard sometimes to feel that I am achieving anything... even though I know that I am.

Totally agree that the way we live is not normal. We are meant to be in communities, sharing the childcare between ourselves and working together in a meaningful way - not isolated in our own homes with only a couple of toddlers and the tv for company. If I didn't get out and see other adults sometimes, I would go insane.

PetiteRaleuse · 18/10/2013 10:07

YANBU I hated being at home with a toddler and a baby. Things have much improved since they went into full time daycare. The short time I do spend with them is now a real pleasure and weekends are fun and not just like any other day.

Supergeek · 18/10/2013 10:10

I hear you. I'm back at work in 2 weeks after 7 months on mat leave, and I can't wait! Love love love my boys but looking after a baby and a toddler is not exactly a holiday. There's a reason why valium became a problem for housewives in the previous century.

IHaveA · 18/10/2013 10:10

A baby and a three year old .

YANBU, we were expats and was not allowed to work so was a SAHM for the whole of my kids childhood. I found when I just had the first one and a baby really hard a a bit boring. They are just so needy Grin. Cute but needy!
It was a hundred time better by the time I had my third and fourth as the days were filled with more constructive activities aimed at the older kids and, more importantly, I had a great group of friends. I saw people every day and I DID something everyday.
I did try and see it like a job. I know that sounds silly but it helped me.

It's easy to forget how bloody tiring it is as well. It's hard to be cheery when you are knackered.

H2Ointolerant · 18/10/2013 10:12

I'm totally with you OP. I think some of us get these delusions when our own mothers were very good at dealing with children. I am one of 5 children and DM was brilliant, so I just sort of assumed I'd be the same.

Two children, multiple miscarriages and a severely disabled child who needs me 24/7 later and I see that I am crap at it. Sadly my child will always need me and going back to work properly is like an implausible dream.

Don't feel bad about looking forward to going back to work, I wish I could.

dietcokeandwine · 18/10/2013 10:15

I am a SAHM of 3 and I love it BUT

  1. I have never had to deal with more than 1 child at home at a time (biggish age gaps which wasn't planned but means older children were at school/preschool when I had baby). I would have gone stark raving bonkers juggling a baby and toddler full time
  1. I have a big support network with various friends who are either at home or work PT so always had adult company at some point in every day
  1. We have no money worries and therefore no restrictions on activities etc. Being at home with no money would also drive me doo la lally!
  1. I tried going back to work when DS1 was a baby and found it impossible to do my job properly part time and got so hugely stressed (to the point of being constantly ill) that for me, SAHM is by far the happiest option and the thought of trying to juggle career and kids again makes me feel sick.

Your situation sounds hugely draining OP and I can completely see where you are coming from, even as a happy SAHM. Is there any way you can bring your return to work earlier?

greenbananas · 18/10/2013 10:15

amicissima I am the same kind of sahm as you, always busy, always going places, loads of people round to play. But there are still plenty of times when it is just me and the kids. They do something cute and there's nobody to smile with, they poo on the floor and there's nobody to brown with. When I meet with other mums, we tend to talk about the kids a lot.

Generally it suits me, and I trained as a childminder so that I could money while carrying on. But the way the op feels is totally valid. We are not all made the same. I'm glad women have the right and the opportunity to work outside of the home if they want to, it's better for them and better for the children if everybody is able to choose the roles which suit them best.

greenbananas · 18/10/2013 10:17

Brown with? Grin that's not quite what I meant!