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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I am so clearly utterly unsuited to being a SAHM.

121 replies

Pontouf · 18/10/2013 07:26

I am not a SAHM. I am on maternity leave with my second child. However the principle is there. I have always wanted children, since right back when I was one. I wanted a big brood to play together and imagined spending lovely days having fun with them. I though I would be great at being a Mum and would enjoy it so much. I had visions of being a lovely earth mother type.I cannot believe how different the reality is.

I am at home with a 6mo DD and a DS who is 3 next month. I love them so so much and they are really lovely kids but being at home with them all day 7 days a week makes me want to tear my eyes out. I am so fucking bored with not having a conversation that doesn't revolve around dinosaurs or Fireman Sam. I am so sick of asking DS to do something over and over and over and trying to be patient while he gets round to doing it. I am sick of the constant "Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, I'm hungry.

I am so sick to fucking death of being poor. We have about £20 a week at the moment after the bills are paid and groceries are bought with which to entertain the children (it also has to clothe me - hollow laugh) as a result we are either outside in the rain "puddle jumping" or inside trying to find things to do.

I am so incredibly jealous of DH who works 6 days a week in a job he loves. He gets to talk to adults and have a lunch break and be actually useful in the world. I am sick of never getting a day off. Both kids and I had a horrendous vomiting bug for three days last week. If I had been at work I could have taken time off and stayed in bed. As it was I had to deal with washing bedding, clothes, sofa covers, carpets all in between rushing to the toilet. DH managed to negotiate working from home one of the days but wasn't massively helpful as, you know, he had to work.

I feel so happy and so guilty for being happy that I get to go back to work in two months. I love my job, I am really good at it and my colleagues respect me.

I guess I'm just ranting because I am so sad and feel so guilty that I hate being at home so much a lot of the time. I was in tears about it yesterday. I feel like I should be cherishing this time when my kids are little and there are bits if it I absolutely love but so much of it is just so dull and frustrating I can feel my brains trickling out if my ears.

OP posts:
TEErickOrTEEreat · 18/10/2013 08:00

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone just like having a career isn't for everyone.

I freelance but am also am a SAHM more than I freelance. That works me and my family. Doesn't mean it has to work for anyone elses.

cg13 · 18/10/2013 08:07

OP, if a man had written your post he'd be applauded for being entirely normal, so give yourself a break....parenting is hard. Good luck with your return to work.

ShoeJunkie · 18/10/2013 08:08

I'm convinced that me working part time makes me a better mum on the days I do spend with DS. No flaming from me either! You have to do what works for you and your family.

neolara · 18/10/2013 08:10

I've been a SAHM for nearly 10 years. Frankly, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Firstly, looking very young kids is just plain hard work. And, with the best will in the world, they aren't very interesting conversationalists. I've only managed it because I used to make sure I went out the house to something every, single day. And I found a group of really great friends to hang out with. Otherwise, it would have DONE MY HEAD IN. On the plus side, you've probably done the really hard bit now your youngest is 6 months. It is going to get easier and easier and much more fun as they get older and it's easier to get out and do stuff.

lljkk · 18/10/2013 08:29

I was a SAHM for 8 yrs & now back to work. I tell everyone I went back to work so that I could see less of my children.
Totally Yanbu.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/10/2013 08:33

God, YANBU!!! I love my DS with all my heart but I went back to work when he was 5 months old, not so much for the money but more for my sanity. I am definitely a much better mum for working that's for sure.

CreatureRetorts · 18/10/2013 08:35

The thing is, this is the shit bit - being at home when they're so young and you've not got much money etc.

When they get older it becomes easier in many ways - but we don't get maternity leave for that bit sadly.

When you get back to work and get back into your groove it'll be better.

I know this sounds glib but try and enjoy it while it lasts - Christmas is coming etc etc. I now work 4 days a week and miss maternity leave although if you offered me a time machine to go back to the days of having a preschooler and baby at home again, I wouldn't take it!!!!!!

Aeroaddict · 18/10/2013 08:36

Does your DH feel guilty for having a job he enjoys? Does he think it makes him a worse Dad? Do you think that of him? No? Enough said! Grin

impty · 18/10/2013 08:39

Well, I'm the opposite. Thought I was a driven career person, turns out I love staying at home. You can't predict these things!

Beavie · 18/10/2013 08:48

I know exactly how you feel. Small children, especially babies IMO, are deathly boring. Now my youngest has got to 3 and the tantrums are getting a bit fewer it's not soooo bad, but yeah on on the whole being stuck at home with them with no money is crap. And then you feel guilty for thinking like that and wish you could be one of those mothers who seem to delight from making models out of yoghurt pots etc. However, I have recently started college and as a result dd is in nursery 3 long days a week now and I feel horribly guilty about that too! Every time I take her she breaks her little heart because she wants to stay with me and I feel like a cow.

madmomma · 18/10/2013 08:49

I'm a SAHM to a 2yo and a 1yo. I hated my job anyway, but I always wanted to be at home with my kids the way my Mum was with us. I have found it absolutely relentless and draining beyond belief. The boredom, frustration and tiredness know no bounds on the bad days, but then half the time I feel like it's the best job in the world and I'm so lucky to be at home. It all hinges on having mates in the same situation. When I've got mates on mat leave or working part-time, it's a breeze. Otherwise it's a battle to get to the end of each day. So YANBU at all. If I liked my job Iwould be highly tempted to escape back to it, at least part time.

mrsjay · 18/10/2013 08:52

what you are feeling is normal for lots on parents even the SAH ones there is no shame in wanting to poke your own eyes out with boredom Grin of course you love your children but you like your work too no shame in that, dont be so hard on yourself life isn't one big long craft and baking day Wink

stowsettler · 18/10/2013 08:54

Hey, pontouf, I'm in your camp too! DD is 7mo and I've been back at work full time since 1st August. Before then I actually went back 1-2 days per week when she was tiny - about 6 weeks old. Not exactly my choice, I was helping my work out (I'd just handed my notice in to go to a new job and my mat cover was taken suddenly ill so they would've been right up a creek if I hadn't gone back).

I have to say that even those first 1-2 days were a godsend. I am definitely NOT SAHM mum material, but those couple of days of sanity during the week made the time with her so much more precious and enjoyable. I would be stark staring mad if I had to stay at home all the time.

Practically, stuff for free: don't suppose you live in Wales? There's free swimming for kids during the holidays.
Library - rhyme time, this is free. The two libraries round by us do it on different days so DP (SAHD!!!) and DD go to both!
Check out museums - lots are very child-centric. Many are free (I was under the impression that all museums are supposed to be free but apparently not).
Do you live near the coast? Nothing nicer than a windy day on a beach, rock-pooling. Just put the tiny one in a sling and off you go.
Nature reserves and country parks - lots of them have nature trails for little ones. My nephew is 4 and had a WHALE of a time looking for bugs recently on a freebie nature trail.
Check out your local supermarket noticeboard. I see loads of stuff going on which look like fun for kids and parents.

And if all else fails - put a big calendar on your kitchen wall and cross off the days! Thanks

Mumbledore · 18/10/2013 08:57

You are absolutely not alone. It's fine to admit this! You have to find what's best for your family and sod what everyone else thinks. I think lots of people find staying at home very different to what they imagined - it's quite difficult to admit in RL but I think people can be more honest here and you see that lots of others feel the same. Good luck going back to work!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 18/10/2013 08:58

No flaming from me. I loved going back to work.
I have the greatest of respect for parents who stay at home, who are patient and entertaining and go to toddler groups and make things and jump in puddles because I am useless at it.
I love my DCs, but I simply could not cope being a SAHM. I don't have that... Well I don't know what it is but I don't have it.
I found I had a lot more patience and enjoyed it all so much more when I was working. There's nothing wrong with that IMO

foslady · 18/10/2013 08:59

I could so.easily have been the one.writing your post when on mat leave. I would end up qith a glut of milk just so I could interact with another adult during the day instead of having another mind numbing chat about the tweenies/finbles/birds at the park. When I went back to work it was a lifeline to know I still existed.
No flaming from me, just a huge Wine

Idocrazythings · 18/10/2013 09:01

I think I am a better mother and more organised at the house when I work as well (only 2 days/week though)

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/10/2013 09:02

You won't like this. In my purely personal view it's not being a sahm that you hate. It's being a sahm in the way you are.

You state for example dh works 6days a week in a job he loves and you get no time off.

Frankly if you could sort this out you might actually enjoy sahmdom. What you appear to be saying is that parenthood hasn't altered him. There's little compromise possibly. Your side has changed dramatically and he's acting as if nothing's happened or just like when you first met.

I realise money is involved. But this ^^ won't alter if you return to work. You will likely still be 'doing everything' but now you will work too.

Think about what actually pisses you off. A bad workman blames his tools (or kids).

I am one too and I'm still working on this. I do understand.

hackmum · 18/10/2013 09:04

I felt just the same, OP. Loads of disagreeable things happen at once: you're cut off to a large extent from interesting adult company, you no longer have your salary coming in, and you're at the beck-and-call all day of at least one mini-tyrant. I found the boredom overwhelming. And not just the boredom, but the sense that you could never just relax and read the paper or even do the dishes or write a quick email because the mini-tyrant was always there interrupting whatever you were doing to demand stuff. I don't know how other mothers manage it. I suppose there are some children out there who just get on with things and amuse themselves but mine wasn't like that.

mrsjay · 18/10/2013 09:07

I am a sahm mum well im not really I have a medical condition that makes working full time difficult and some days if i saw another episode of the tweenies i was going to batter my head against a wall the days were very long and I started to feel resentful I hated it, no tmy children obviously but the whole you need to be all singing all dancing as a sahp ,not every parent is suited to it parents need to be able to do something for themselves to benefit their family or it all goes to pot ime, ds are older so i now do work v v part time and do other stuff it helps me and the family as i am not as grumpy as i used to be,

mrsjay · 18/10/2013 09:09

and I also struggled for a long time with the not earning previous to children i did work full time but we wanted a family and I couldnt manage both and dh earned more than i could so it made sense

DrSeuss · 18/10/2013 09:09

Flaming? For wanting adult company to talk to? For not wanting to have to count every penny? For wanting intellectual stimulation? Hardly! You sound normal enough to me!

kotinka · 18/10/2013 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHeartKingThistle · 18/10/2013 09:18

I became a SAHM when my youngest started preschool. It was the right thing to do for our family but I KNOW I could not have done it when they were at home full time. No flaming from me.

Does your DH know how you feel?

WhatWillSantaBring · 18/10/2013 09:22

I so hear you - I was exactly the same. Always wanted kids (lots), always wanted to be a SAHM. After 9 months ML with the first I was going insane (and possibly borderline depressed). I am so much happier back at work (if more tired/busy/frazzled). It breaks my heart saying goodbye every morning and I feel so guilty all the time, but I know its the best thing for the family as a whole.

YY to your 15 hours a week when DS1 turns 3 - the stimulation he'll get from pre-school will help tire him out too Grin. In the meantime, have you tried Radio 4? It was my sanity saver when on ML, as you can keep it on whilst doing housework/playing etc etc, and it does provide some intellectual stimulation.

I've got really mixed feelings about going on ML again in December - looking forward to it but also worried I'm going to end up miserable again.

SAHM is not for everyone. Working F/T or P/T is not going to harm your children, stunt their development blah blah. Anyone who says it will is using that to justify their own position.