To be upset that I am so clearly utterly unsuited to being a SAHM.

[Pontouf]

I am not a SAHM. I am on maternity leave with my second child. However the principle is there. I have always wanted children, since right back when I was one. I wanted a big brood to play together and imagined spending lovely days having fun with them. I though I would be great at being a Mum and would enjoy it so much. I had visions of being a lovely earth mother type.I cannot believe how different the reality is.

I am at home with a 6mo DD and a DS who is 3 next month. I love them so so much and they are really lovely kids but being at home with them all day 7 days a week makes me want to tear my eyes out. I am so fucking bored with not having a conversation that doesn't revolve around dinosaurs or Fireman Sam. I am so sick of asking DS to do something over and over and over and trying to be patient while he gets round to doing it. I am sick of the constant "Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, I'm hungry.

I am so sick to fucking death of being poor. We have about £20 a week at the moment after the bills are paid and groceries are bought with which to entertain the children (it also has to clothe me - hollow laugh) as a result we are either outside in the rain "puddle jumping" or inside trying to find things to do.

I am so incredibly jealous of DH who works 6 days a week in a job he loves. He gets to talk to adults and have a lunch break and be actually useful in the world. I am sick of never getting a day off. Both kids and I had a horrendous vomiting bug for three days last week. If I had been at work I could have taken time off and stayed in bed. As it was I had to deal with washing bedding, clothes, sofa covers, carpets all in between rushing to the toilet. DH managed to negotiate working from home one of the days but wasn't massively helpful as, you know, he had to work.

I feel so happy and so guilty for being happy that I get to go back to work in two months. I love my job, I am really good at it and my colleagues respect me.

I guess I'm just ranting because I am so sad and feel so guilty that I hate being at home so much a lot of the time. I was in tears about it yesterday. I feel like I should be cherishing this time when my kids are little and there are bits if it I absolutely love but so much of it is just so dull and frustrating I can feel my brains trickling out if my ears.

I work a couple of days a week. I call it "my weekend". I love my DS to bits but these couple of days I'm working saves my sanity.You have nothing to be ashamed of,being SAHM is not for everybody.

Agree with zoobmeister - our ancestors rarely brought up tiny children completely alone in a house all day long. That's a fairly recent thing and can be relentless. My DH did the SAHD for 5 years with DS and he became quite depressed and withdrawn towards the end.

Being a SAHM didn't suit me at all and i work full time (couldn't afford to be a SAHM either). Can I just make the point though that work isn't exactly a "break"? I have a full on job which at times is incredibly stressful

I'm out of the house from 7am until 7pm for 5 days a week. Around this I spend time with my DD and then have to fit all the normal chores etc. It's bloody hard work and exhausting.

can I just say that being a sahm doesn't have to mean being in the house all day long, day after day after day?
It's what you make of it, it really is.
There are always toddler groups, activity groups, messy play groups etc.. and many different ways to have an 'adult conversation'
You DO have to be super pro active, organised and disciplined to be a sahm. If you sit on your bum in front of cbeebies all day waiting for someone to knock on the door for a chat: isn't going to happen.

Blimey, I only went out for a couple of hours! It is really comforting to hear so many other people feeling like me.

Minty, I'm sorry if you felt insulted by my OP. it wasn't my intention to act like I was special for needing more than this life I'm leading at the moment. I have found MN to be a lifeline ever since I first got pregnant in 2009 (sadly ended in a mmc) and have generally found people to be incredibly kind and friendly, but you know, this is AIBU and I have had my arse handed to me a couple of times in the past here!

I think I expected a bit of a flaming from some people, mainly because of my own guilt for feeling this way, but also because the only person I've spoken to about it in real life (my Mum) jumped to blame my inadequacies for feeling like this.

Anyway thanks to all those who have said that they've felt the same. I mentioned it to my DH briefly last night. He knows I'm a bit low at the moment. I suffered with PND after my eldest was born and I know DH was really worried I'd suffer with it when DD was born. I have been much better his time but I found the first two months incredibly hard. It has got better now I'm not BFing every two hours, but I do struggle with the boredom and frustration of constantly dealing with people who cannot understand basic negotiation!

DH is very sympathetic and he does help out a lot when he's here. He agrees that he has an easier time than me but I am reluctant to burden him too much with how down I am because I know he worries about PND and I don't want to put more on him. He works really hard for a shit wage but he's good at his job and loves it so what can you do? Anyway I'm just rambling now. Thanks again for all the support :)

Hayley I agree that work isn't a "break" - I too have a very full on job. I work ten hour shifts with a half hour lunch break and am usually on my feet for most of it. The job involves a lot of responsibility. While it's not a break in terms of not being down time it is a break from the monotony - change is as good as a rest they say?

Don't feel guilty about not loving it. I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years and I think that's why I get cross when people undervalue it - it's bloody hard work.

It's boring, monotonous, relentless, exhausting and infuriating. It is constantly putting others needs before your own and not getting any thanks for it etc etc etc.

I do think that the older they get the easier it gets (in my opinion). I do it as I feel it's the best thing for my children and financially for us it makes sense as I have 3 children and childcare would wipe out my earnings. I also (perhaps selfishly) want to be the one that the kids talk to about their day, have tea with, have bath time with etc

I think some mums just aren't that honest about how hard it can be which leads others to think that they must be doing it wrong or not 'maternal' enough when they're not loving every minute with their kids.

Don't feel guilty. I find structure and routine helps, as does finding like-minded people to be friends with and getting out of the house as much as possible.

Try not to wish your time away but be kind to yourself to. It's very normal.

I was just talking to a friend about this this morning.

I, too, thought I would love to have a big brood of children and thought that I would love it. I have no idea what I was imagining, because I cannot fathom how I got it so badly wrong

I think that women are just sold a big fat massive lie - that because we are female we will magically enjoy being a SAHM and it will be all fulfilling and lovely and wonderful. But it's not. It suits some people and they are great at it, really throw themselves into it and seem to love every minute. But I don't think it is for everyone. What I want to know is why this promotes so much guilt! I trained as a graphic designer but found I wasn't very good at it and didn't enjoy it so I decided to do something else. I did not feel one iota of guilt or failure for that. But this!

If it's any consolation, I hear that the first year with two is hellish and after that it becomes easier than having one, partly because they entertain each other, and partly because it provides a bit of variety to have different ages and stages.

I'm horribly torn now because one of the hardest things about having DS is that he always looks to me because he has no brothers or sisters to play with or appreciate his humour/jokes/interesting fact about something that I don't have the slightest interest in. So, in some ways I wish I'd had more and I do want to have more, as in, multiple babies after him. But in other ways the thought of that fills me with dread and makes me feel afraid that we would be making a huge mistake.

frumpypigskin, I could have written your post and agree entirely.

I've been a SAHM for nearly 6 years now and still find is soooooooo hard - though it is getting easier with one at school and one at preschool now. The early incessant years are nightmarish and I'm not sure that anyone is 'suited' to that - lots of people saying they're not cut out to be a SAHM, but I don't think its that simple. I'm not that character at all, but going back to work would have cost me financially and I while I loved my job and miss it hugely, I can't bring myself to pay for the privilege of working and not seeing my children.

The longer I do it, the more I realise that what I am doing is important and that I would not be able to do it if I was working. That is what gives me the strength to keep at it - its worth, not that it is enjoyable. Sorry, rant over - overall just agreeing that is is hard work and pretty miserable at times. I agree with others who say to get out - at one time I was doing toddler groups at church 4 mornings a week - just to have some adult conversation and keep things in perspective!

I just knew this thread would turn into this kind of thing. Mini - I do see my child thanks...

Good god, go back to work now - the only reason I stayed at home for six months each time was because I was PAID to and it didn't make financial sense for me to go back until I had to. If you're not being paid to be at home, GO TO WORK. Lordy. I was scratching at the doors to the office by four months. I would be the world's most horrendous stay at home mother. My poor children don't know how lucky they are that they get to spend time with lovely, patient nursery staff who are paid to make them happy and teach them how to be nice well rounded little people. If they spent all their time with me, they wouldn't turn out hald as well!

Eh? hayley I can't see how this thread has turned into any 'kind of thing'

mini said it would cost her financially to go back to work, meaning I assume, that she would be out of pocket by doing so, thus effectively paying to see her children less- it wasn't a dig at working mothers who don't see their children- you seem to have got a bit defensive a bit quickly on that front.

Hayley are you facing a lot of criticism for working?

I think this thread had been really supportive of the OP and other working mums who don't enjoy being home full time.

Why do some people think that being a sahm is boring, tedious etc.
Surely life is what you make it and if there are aspects you don't like then you do something to change them.
Saying that OP, I don't think there is anything bad about how you are feeling in fact it is normal, and especially when you are all ill it seems relentless.
Finding hobbies and interests helped me enormously and I began to look at the childcare and domestic aspects as part of my role as a sahp. Then the rest of the time I used my imagination to come up with lots of things to do and now really cherish my free time, far more than if I worked.

The only thing I would say...however...amongst all the SAHM is sooo boring stuff, is that working four full ten hour days plus having two small ones plus a husband who works weekends is going to be pretty exhausting. I don't know what you have in the way of support networks, but doing sole parent childcare all weekend is going to be just as tiring and your days don't sound like there's any scope for a bit of a rest along the way.

I don't want to pour cold water on your idea that working is going to be a good solution, and it may well be in terms of getting you out of the house and combating possible PND that way- however, you will need a lot of support/internet shopping/getting your husband on board as you will be doing full-time work in four days. I think it's better to be realistic about this and prepare for it.

OP you are certainly not alone, i did the sahm thing for a year and aged about 50yrs. I now work nights in a job i love and although i do feel a bit guilty about sleeping through school plays/puppet making/other i do really think the break does us all good. Mine are 9 and 11 and they really dont care if im there or not as long as they are fed/warm/online/have access to disney

Sorry, Hayley, to clarify, if I went back to my previous job, I would not see my children Monday to Friday - just as dh doesn't now. He leaves before they are up and comes home after they're in bed. If I went back to the job I loved, it would be the same for me. I have lots of friends who work part time or flexibly and can do both more easily. That wasn't on offer for me. But my time will come, I keep telling myself

I hear you. I am much happier and a better Mummy now I work 21 hours a week and one DC is at school and the other with a childminder.

It's hard, babies are hard work, toddlers are hard work.. children are hard work!

No real advice, but you aren't terrible, or alone.

Oh ignore me Mini - I've had a bad week at work and am feeling super grumpy - sorry!

And killer - not from anyone else - just from me!

I don't know what you lot are whinging about - being a SAHM is a doddle.

At, least it is when your youngest is 17 and your older kids have left for Uni