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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

361 replies

Stillhopingstillhere · 14/10/2013 11:28

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/10/2013 16:47

Married, the key there is that you both established your roles and decided to have a cleaner.
The OP's husband hasn't proposed that. He told her it would be her responsibility.

PaperSeagull · 15/10/2013 17:47

Only slightly pissed off? Good Lord, I would be incandescent with rage if my DH ever said anything like that. Not that he would.

Of course the two of you need to reassess your responsibilities around the house if you go back to work full time. Why on earth should you be in charge of all the housework if you also have a job?

I do think that if one parent is at home and only has school-aged children, then that person should take on the lion's share of housework. But when both partners are working, there needs to be an equitable distribution of labor.

OP, if I were in your shoes I would have a "come to Jesus meeting" with DH.

BasilBabyEater · 15/10/2013 18:04

He has no respect for you.

That's what it comes down to

It's not about housework it's about respect.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 15/10/2013 18:42

I am really struggling to understand SugarHut and married's stance.

Neither of them have the least desire to do much actual housework themselves (and who can blame them?!), and yet both are telling the OP she is being unreasonable to expect her DH to step up and help out.

Newflash: nobody wants to do housework and clean up after people. But it has to be done. It should not automatically default to anyone, and even less so when a family's circumstances change.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 15/10/2013 18:44

And I say this as someone with a cleaner and an au pair.

Surely the two of you are not so detatched from reality, that you can't see how the OP's DH is being an entitled arse...?

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/10/2013 19:10

I used to work full time, come home and look after DS and the house.

If you're comfortable with the current situation OP, that's fine, but make it clear to him that when you are back in work he will have to do his share.

PaperSeagull · 15/10/2013 19:14

I must admit I grinned a bit when reading this post from SugarHut: "Sorting out the school trips, the mere logistics of internationally getting all 6 of us in the same place at the same time, liaising with 101 tradesmen, cooking, and again a lot of stuff that's no one else business is just as important and probably more time consuming as dusting and cleaning." Quite a lot of us manage to do all that, work a full time job, and do the "dusting and cleaning" on top of it. Imagine what amazing superheroes we are. Wink

whatever5 · 15/10/2013 19:55

I'm amazed at some of the replies on this thread. Why should the housework be the OPs responsibility? She may have agreed to do it all while her child was preschool age but that doesn't mean that it should be her responsibility for the rest of her life even if she works!

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 15/10/2013 20:02

OP was his comment serious?! I would ltb. He can fuck off. What a pig.

marriedinwhiteisback · 15/10/2013 20:48

If the OP hasn't worked for several years and want's a part-time job why the chuff can't she pay a cleaner. I went back to work in 2003 at the the very bottom of the ladder again. I pulled in £600pcm part time. The cleaner at that time was £8 per hour - I would happily have paid £100 a month for a bit of domestic help from the money I didn't have before. The OP isn't saying she wants to go back to work because she needs the money, she's saying she wants to go back because she wants to.

I work full time nowadays and only have one child at school. Life is getting easier but I have only been in for about 40 minutes and have unloaded the dishy, unloaded the tumbler, fed the cats, put dinner on and DH has just texted to say he's leaving work in about 10 minutes which means he'll be home at about 9.30. I still have life tons easier than he does.

Our life is a partnership and I reckon that if I hadn't supported him to the extent that I did (and do) his earnings would be less than half what they are now.

To the person who said I was 2nd in the relationship I think that's absolute nonsense - I have never worked as hard as my DH yet everything he has worked for is shared by us all. We have both invested in our family, in our lives and in our love.

marriedinwhiteisback · 15/10/2013 20:50

Oh yes, and sugarhut fancy lunch to compare graft notes.

whatever5 · 15/10/2013 21:02

Marriedinwhiteisblack- why should the OP be solely responsible for ensuring the house is clean and tidy (by doing it herself or employing a cleaner) if she is working? It should be her DH's responsibility as well as hers.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2013 22:54

married you have both invested, of course you have.

But you've posted before about how your DH will only go to X place on holiday, how when he retires his plan is Y, how he likes the house to be clean and tidy but won't do anything about that himself, and many other examples.

It is clear that you are happy in that set up, but to not be able to see that others couldn't stomach their husband behaving like their boss is very blinkered.

marriedinwhiteisback · 15/10/2013 23:03

We work together and I get lots and lots of what I want. We are a partnership and success doesn't come without working together for a common aim and the common good.

Why is it such an issue to keep a house a clean and tidy. It isn't hard, it doesn't take long and it really isn't a bit deal. I can do it standing on my head. With or without a cleaner. Why is it such an issue and why does it create such bitterness. Most people could have a place spotless in the time it takes to complain about it.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 16/10/2013 00:43

LOL.

Why don't you ask your husband that very question? I'm sure his answer would be enlightening.

Whatever his answer is, it's probably the exact same reason other women don't particularly want to do it. Wink

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/10/2013 00:44

Married is that last reply a joke?

OrangePanda · 16/10/2013 04:53

In my country it is the wife who does all housework. Yes! Even if she is working! And there will be very few arguments and rage about it. The wife knows her husband takes care of her and does all repairs and hard things. So the wife takes care of him and gives him a lovely home. The wife can also work but that is her choice. [Grin]

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 16/10/2013 07:36

Married are you serious? You actually think that going out to work is harder than staying at home and looking after a house and children? Jesus. I have a one year old and I go out to work for a fucking break. My dh has taken plenty of night shifts with the baby and does lots of housework when I wasn't working because he realises that his job is 10 hours a day but my mine was 24 hours a day. Oh poor husband, going out to work every day and having to share HIS money with the little wife. But at least she keeps his shirts ironed.
You are mad/deluded.

gamerchick · 16/10/2013 07:56

I got to work for a break as well Grin

Actually married I'm pretty sure the OP has said her husband wants her to go back to work but still expects her to keep in top of the house as well.

You are coming across as if you live in lala land... its quite entertaining.

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 08:04

Nah, she just sounds like she is married to orangepanda (or his knuckle dragging equivalent) and gave up a long time ago

oliveoctagon · 16/10/2013 08:05

Anyone that goes to work for a break must be very lazy at work Wink

marriedinwhiteisback · 16/10/2013 08:08

I do think going out to work is harder and I've done both. Before DC out of the house before 7am and back at 8ish. High pressure in the City, always wondering if one's figures were good enough and worrying about the "book" at the end of the week. Dealing with difficult people all the time. Not going out much because you know you have to be tip top sharp at work and getting up at 6am day in day out grinds away in the end.

Being a SAHM for 8 years was a zillion times easier and more rewarding. If some of you think your children are so hard I feel really sorry for you - I always found mine a delight (well most of the time) and even now when I get home I'm delighted to see them.

I work full-time now and yes for my intellectual sanity but I still say that work (professional work) is more demanding than being at home.

oliveoctagon · 16/10/2013 08:11

I agree that working is harder than 1 one year old. Thats not exactly going to be hard Hmm

GrandstandingBlueTit · 16/10/2013 08:20

So anyway, married, are you going to tell us how your husband would answer the question you posed, or are you now trying to dodge it?

ThisIsMeToo · 16/10/2013 08:26

The thing orange that organisation works if both partners are happy with that.

As it turns out, in the UK, as in a lot of other european countries, the man isn't that keen on all the 'hard' work, DIY etc (and often wouldn't even know where to start) and women are trained and want to have a fulfilling career too.
So there is a need to find another way to run the household. Who on earth can actually say that one way is right and the other isn't?

Problems only arise, as it always the case, when the 2 partners have different views on the issue. But the man saying 'That's how it has always been', or 'that's what everyone else does' isn't an option.