To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

P.S. YANBU! At all!

Even if domestic management and paid employment are on a level in terms of importance, the fact remains that they are not equal in terms of how they are viewed by wider society and the financial remuneration they receive.

SAHPs, homemakers - whatever you want to call them - are potentially at a severe economic and status disadvantage.

And what about a sense of fulfilment? If the OP sees domestic stuff as a necessary chore but doesn't actually get any sense of satisfaction from it (largely because it's unpaid), a nurturing relationship would try to facilitate a change in that.

The OP does not have to justify her desire to change things unless you believe that a man's right to financial independence and a career are more important than a woman's.

FWIW - I think any SAHP who facilitates their DP/DH/DW's career are just as vital to the family unit as the one in paid employment, but I recognise the fact that I am in a minority for believing this, and certainly legally/financially there is little protection.

What he said wasn't great, but I understand the crux of it.

If he's making enough for both of you to live on, and you go back to work, then it follows that you can afford to pay someone to do the heavy lifting while you're at work.

I don't know anyone who would want to carry out a demanding full-time job and then cook and clean at night if they didn't have to. You'd have to be mad to say yes, we can afford to have one of us keeping peace on the homefront but what I'd really like to do is for both of us to work and then come home, cook, clean, put kiddos to bed, and then collapse into a puddle.

My DH is very similar to your's OP.
Until recently, I have been a sahm whilst he has a very busy career. He often said to me 'well, I go to work every day'. He knows it doesn't take 8hrs daily to do the housework so I didn't mind too much as it also allowed me to have me time.

However, in September, after 4 years of preparation, I started a uni course. Leading up to it, he had always said as soon as I go to out to work/uni, everything at home would be shared 50/50 yet when it came to it, I still everything the same as always, plus went to uni from 8:30-4 and then came home, cooked tea, did the washing, ironing (he managed to do his 5 shirts) etc.

After only 4 weeks, I have given up uni.....I simply cannot manage the house and be the mummy I want to be whilst being full time at uni/working on placement 37.5 hrs weekly. I'm not blaming my dh; I realise that I am actually quite happy for now, whilst my children are still children, being here every morning and night for them. Yes, it means that I'm in charge of then house but he works really hard from leaving the house at 7 until he returns home at 7 (inc. 2 hr commute). Fulfilling my dream still isn't as important as being a good mummy.....and I (personally) can't do both!

It's a shame he said something so arseachingly stupid because I'm sure he's a great guy, really.

'You know when you said that thing about not minding me getting a job if I still did my current job, i.e. all the house stuff? If my life has a big shift, so does yours because we are a team. We need to talk about how we - we - are going to do this and what our priorities are. If we are both working outside the house then some things ARE going to have to move further down the list of priorities. Let's talk about what we feel are the important things in managing the house and how we are going to share those out'.

And try to control any surges of contempt you may feel, as contempt ruins a relationship but then so does acting contemptibly.

Surely though, Joan, the OP's husband doesn't expect her to work 14 hour days while his remain steady. I would gather he just expects her to outsource it. As one normally does under this particular set of financial circumstances.

Plenty of adults come home from work every night and cook supper and get the kids to bed. Isn't that, you know, normal life? Mr Inferior runs a Hoover round the place on Sundays and does the washing; I do, er other stuff that I cannot recall at this precise moment. Bills get paid. Nobody's died yet. This claim that somehow this Poor Hardworking Man will be shackled to the cooker because he's required to produce the odd plate of pasta is a little over the top.

Not sure. According to the OP's recollection, he said 'as long as YOU keep the house tidy'. There's no information there that he now expects a cleaner to be visiting at £9 an hour.

If he does mean outsource it, that still has issues. A cleaner for 2 hours a week does not replace someone at home full time. Does he think that this outsourcing, whatever it is, all comes out of her pay? Does he regard all money earned as a truly joint pot? If she's really going to replace her own work, we might be talking a daily cleaner for a couple of hours M to F, sending the ironing out, a hike in the food budget for more prepared things perhaps, a gardener? Obviously few people do all that, but if he really wants to notice no change at all in how things look or feel, that's going to take a lot of money? It's quite a large expenditure from the JOINT pot to just assume that's OK to do without even discussing it, and it is quite a big assumption on his part that all domestic labour is his wife's concern to do or to pay for. Just liaising with all those people is a consideration.

i am a sahm of 4 under 6 and another due december,we are in charge of different things,we used to both do a bit of everything,but i find this way works better for us,he is in charge of-

bringing in the money!
planning the meals
shopping
cooking
bedtimes for older 2
ironing his own stuff
morning school run
bathtimes

I am in charge of-
all housework
looking after the babies in the day while hes at work
afternoon school run
getting all the kids shit ready for school like ironing uniforms and packed lunches.
bedtimes for younger 3(i say bedtimes,the basically fall asleep on me when they are tired!)

this works for us.

If i worked full time,it would be 50/50,right down the middle!

It's always worth remembering not just that "Person 1" would need to do or outsource their cleaning if "Person 2" didn't do it, but also that "Person 2" would in fact need to get a job and support themselves if "Person 1" was not bankrolling them. It works both ways.

Is it really that unreasonable that someone who works 5 days a week should use one-quarter of their free time to go and do a hobby? Should they not have a hobby?

I dont really underatand some peoples posts on this thread,if the op is going back to work full time,why is it down to her to pay for someone to do the cleaning,if she is no longer at home full time then why is it still her responsibility?it should become both of their responsibilities.whether thats them doing it themselves or finding someone to do it (unless you pay someone to come in every day then you will still need to do something.)

Bankrolling?

I thought being married and having children together was supposed to be a partnership. How would that all work out for the paid work partner if they had to also look after the children and do all the housework as well? The sahp is enabling the other partner to work fulltime so don't say such idiotic things as 'bankrolling'.

This is all besides the point. The OP would like to go to work. The OP's partner would like her to work too and bring in some money but he doesn't want to facilitate this by picking up the slack.

He sounds like an absolute joy.

If you note, I was not the first person to say "bankrolling".

My point is merely that the other side of the equation seems to be forgotten.

Sounds to me as if, as usual, the answer is for the OP and her DH to talk more. It may have been a lighthearted comment from him.

What other side? Why should he expect her to get a job (and it seems he does) and still continue with all the housework/childcare she is currently doing while he still gets all his leisure time and does as he pleases outside of work hours.

Being a parent means not having 'work hours'. You don't just clock off at 6.

Is he "expecting" her to get a job? I was under the impression that initiative came from the OP.

It should be proportional. If someone works 75% full-time hours and the other works 25%, for example, they should do that amount in reverse of housework. If they both work roughly equivalent amounts of part-time (50-50), that should equate to equivalent amounts of housework. If anyone thinks that's unfair, can they explain why?

(My other point was just that, if they were both single, they'd both need to earn money.)

She wants a job and he wants her to get one and bring money in but isn't willing to do any housework and expects her to keep things as well (housework wise) as she does when not working.

I do think it's fair that if one partner works less, housework should be split accordingly but then that would depend on if there were children to be looked after in the meantime. When both parents are home, then they both need to work together - but it doesn't sound like that happens for OP.

When we got married I knew my DH would not do anything domestic except gardening, bins, outdoor paintwork and tidying up after himself. He knew I was an ace cook, ironer, and had a good eye for interior design and quite liked all kinds of shopping. We were also both ready to set up a home for life and have children. I had worked my socks off for ten years (City) and he was on the bottom rung of his career. I had capital and he had ambition and a brain the size of a small planet.

He also knew that I hated housework but liked a tidy home. I had a cleaner when I was single - there was no way I was going to forego one because I got married.

We made those decisions very early on - neither of us do anything without a plan and for us it has worked. I went back to work when my youngest was 5 and retrained. When I increased to full-time we got an au-pair and kept the cleaner. When the DC were too big for an au-pair I got more cleaner.

I have always felt that our contributions to our family unit have been entirely equal.

My mother summed it up once "If I had been stricter with you you would have been better at cleaning and housework; but then I suppose you wouldn't have aimed so high. You were always an odd child - never agreed with me and had to do your own thing". Yet on here I am regarded as a doormat because I don't expect my DH to join in with crap domestic stuff that I don't enjoy.

Married, you have a system that works for all the family. I can't see how that can be wrong if everyone is happy.

OP doesn't sound happy. She sounds downtrodden.

but Married, neither of you are doing the crap domestic stuff because you have a cleaner. So your situation is entirely different from the OP's (though personally I really wouldn't have much time for any man who refuses to do anything domestic - the chores you mention that he was prepared to take on aren't in the main essential, and don't have to be done week in week out, taking quite a lot of time: gardening - as and when you want to, bins - once a week, outdoor painting - once a year, if that, tidying up after himself - well, how very very big of him to agree to do that one. Food shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry - all have to be done, daily in most cases, and they take time. Not his time, of course, oh no. I don't think you're a doormat, but I just couldn't find a man like that attractive or want him in my life.)

Gardening isn't as when you want to - it's at least 4-5 hours a week during the summer; bins every day or at least every other and when I say outside paintwork I mean washing it down to keep it clean. Good God - what sort of standards do you think we have - don't you sweep yor paths and keep your lawns free from leaves and moss .
Not bothered that you wouldn't want him because he's all mine anyway :)

married I think the situation is different if you have the financial wherewithal to pay for a cleaner and an au pair. Your arrangement sounds very equitable given your situation - however, it isn't a reflection of how most of us live.

What is this 'lawn' of which you speak? You mean our rare weed collection?

Married you don't expect your husband to clean because you don't either. The cleaner does. Why are you comparing this to ops situation? You both don't want to look after your own home so you are paying someone else to do it.

My dh likes me to iron his shirts for the week , I'm part time he full time I'm now think am I spoiling him? Re the comment adults look after themselves I mean. I do all the shopping cleaning meal s me does recycling and bins tho ..

Married your situation is totally different. Mainly because you have the financial means to outsource any parts of domestic labour that neither of you have the time or inclination for, but also because you have embraced the role of coming second to your DH's wants and needs wholeheartedly.

That is your choice.

The OP is in a completely different scenario, and more importantly is not happy about it.