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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

361 replies

Stillhopingstillhere · 14/10/2013 11:28

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 16/10/2013 08:26

seriously olive???

oliveoctagon · 16/10/2013 08:27

One single baby and no other job? Yeah that is pretty easy. Come off it.

ThisIsMeToo · 16/10/2013 08:28

married why is it an issue that the OP wants to go to work because she wants to and not because she needs the money?

Tbh with a husband like this, I would want to go back to work to be sure I am employable and I have a job should I want to get divorced (which I would look at if my DH was behaving like this)

BooCanary · 16/10/2013 09:13

It makes me laugh when people argue over whether work or childcare is harder. Surely it depends on the child and the job. With the exception of when my DD and DS started crawling and were into everything, when I was glad to have a few hours a day not having typo watch them like a hawk, generally I find work harder. But I have a very stressful job . I certainly work harder than the SAHM's I'm friends with, now our dcs are all in school ft.

What shocks me are the number of my SAHM who are fairly well off yet don't have a pension, get given housekeeping money, and have little access to financial info. Disgraceful in this day and age. I love my DH but I also value myself enough to have some financial independence.

OP yanbu to want a job of your own. I'd have gone fucking crazy with my DH if he'd made that comment to me, and would be looking for a job asap. And as for the pp who mentioned giving up her uni course, I seriously hope that your DH was supportive of your course, and it was your decision to drop out. Its perfectly oK to think of yourself, as equal to the rest of your family!!!

BurberryQ · 16/10/2013 09:37

In my country it is the wife who does all housework. Yes! Even if she is working! And there will be very few arguments and rage about it. The wife knows her husband takes care of her and does all repairs and hard things
i wonder if you are from the same country as my exh, i was working, doing any housework, and guess what, he didn't take care of me or do 'repairs or hard things' cos i did them too!! I divorced him and blame the women in his life for allowing him to be an idle entitled arse.

SugarHut · 16/10/2013 09:38

Hello married :) Nice to see someone else speaking sense. You are so right, it's no big deal, and it can be done stood on your head. Just because someone does some of my bits and pieces, I could quite easily do it myself, in no time at all. Come and sit on my (sparkling clean Grin ) sofa, it's flame retardant...

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 09:48

There appear to be two arguments here from the she-should-do-housework brigade (they're the same arguments that get trotted out when posters suggest their partners could do the washing):

(a) it's really easy, so what's the problem, you can easily do it on top of your job: WOMAN, KNOW YOUR PLACE!
(b) it's tiring and stressful and time-consuming so you really shouldn't get your poor hard-working man to do it on top of his Real Job: WOMAN, KNOW YOUR PLACE!

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

joanofarchitrave · 16/10/2013 09:56

I don't give a shit whether it's easy or hard. It's a function of the family and therefore a concern of the family, not the woman alone. If there is a major shift in the family's circumstances, then the family needs to consider how to deal with that, together. Failure to do that means living on assumptions about the roles of members of the family, and that is dangerous to the wellbeing of the whole.

Norudeshitrequired · 16/10/2013 09:58

I have been a SAHM and worked full time and agree that going out to work is harder.
As a SAHM:
I have no boss to answer to
I gave no strict deadlines to meet.
I don't have to worry about phoning into work if the children are sick.
I don't have to be dashing around trying to fit in childcare, school drop offs and getting to work.
I can cook a variety of nutritional meals as I have the time to plan and prep.
I can clean the house at my own leisurely pace.
I am on hand to help with homework.
The children can come straight home from school and relax and not feel fed up in childcare.
I don't have to worry about finding good quality childcare.

I do miss the office banter that I got when working, but I volunteer for a few hours a couple of days a week to keep a good balance.

themaltesefalcon · 16/10/2013 10:01

What an idiotic thing to say.

Worst of all, he probably thought he was being gallant.

OP, have you thought of retraining?

BooCanary · 16/10/2013 10:04

Tbh, although we don't have quite enough spare cash for a cleaner, one of the benefits of going to work (albeit pt) is I do feel it gives me ( and dh) an excuse as to why the house isn't cleaner! If I was home all day, especially with dcs in ft school, I think I would feel obliged to reach a certain level of domesticity! Grin As it is, our 'its fairly live-able' approach to housework seems acceptable under the circumstances!

marriedinwhiteisback · 16/10/2013 10:05

grandstanding sorry what question?

Lweji · 16/10/2013 10:09

From the OP
Otoh dh wouldn't have wanted to stop home with ds, he is very focused on his career.

That's the thing. Apparently a wife has to ask whether she can go to work, whereas a man just goes to work because he wants to and because he's focused on his career.

dh does want me to go back. In fact he's more keen than me because of the money (he can't really see the point in the volunteering even though I've explained that it's to make it easier for my to find a job and get some current experience).

He's money driven.
He just wants a skivvy to bring in money AND take care of the housework. He doesn't even suggest bringing in a cleaner.
Because he's above that.
The little wife is there to make his life easier.

OP, go to work and stop doing things for him.

Mumsyblouse · 16/10/2013 10:09

Basically what he's saying is 'as long as you keep going with the drudgery so I can continue with my well-paid and developing career, you are allowed to work'. That's not very supportive, is it and does indicate that he is not interested in supporting the OP's personal development or career (if that's what she wants).

Everyone would rather someone else did the drudgery, so when you are all mature adults, you either come to a mutual agreement (which the OP would now like to change), or do it equally, or get someone else to do it.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 16/10/2013 10:22

I am utterly amazed that there are still men like this and still women who put up with it!

For fuck sake! Angry

I had lunch with some women the other day and this came up in conversation. These are women who either are full time mums to preschool children/babies or who work all the hours possible whilst their children are at school, or who work full time. They all said that they still do the bulk of the "womens" jobs! Their husbands refuse to do cleaning, ironing or much cooking, and rarely look after the kids on their own.

I. WAS. SHOCKED.

You should have seen their faces when I said my DH does his share. Don't get me wrong if I am not working much one week I'll do most of it as that's only fair as dcs are school age. But if the dcs are off school or if I am working (or both) then everything else is shared equally.

These men can't get away with acting like fecking cavemen if you don't let them.

I couldn't believe the poster up thread who gave up their uni course because their DH didn't hold up their end of the deal to do half of housework. Seriously? What fucking year is this? Stick up for yourself!

Sallystyle · 16/10/2013 10:36

Goodness, Dontgiveaway. I have five children and a heap of pets. I get loads of time to sit down and just chill out. By 7.pm everyone is fed and all housework done.

Am I doing something wrong? Hmm

OP YANBU

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 16/10/2013 10:36

You are a team and it's up to both of you to 'keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework'. The only issue is to what extent each of you does so.

Add up all your working hours, both at home and in your potential new jobs outside the home.

Add up all the time you have spare.

Do the same for him.

Work out the housework pro rata.

If he's not happy with that, he can get to fuck.

marriedinwhiteisback · 16/10/2013 11:40

Totally agree with the Headless Lady of Cannock. That's precisely what we do. I work full time (9-6ish); do the lion's share of domestic stuff and still have more free time than my DH. Therefore I think how we operate is entirely fair and I don't see why anyone could take issue with it.

To the poster who said it's OK for us because we agreed it at the beginning, yes I agree but I don't understand why other couples don't set out their stalls at the beginning. Life, success and fulfilment is all in the planning. I know what I need to achieve evry day and very rarely is something not done or forgotten.

When I was single and working I laid my clothes out the night before; when my DC were tiny I topped up the changing bag when we got in, as they started school everything was ready the night before; as teenagers they know they are expected to get packed up before bed.

I don't understand chaos and procrastination. It takes me five minutes to empty the dishwasher; five minutes to tidy main rooms; five minutes to run a damp cloth over a bannister on my way back upstairs to do something else. Why do people find that so onerous?

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 11:52

I did set out my stall at the beginning. I expect my partner, whether or not afflicted with a Y chromosome, to take their share of the domestic crap.

I'm not convinced by this whole 'team' idea anyway. Certainly not if it means he's team bloody captain.

YouTheCat · 16/10/2013 12:07

Not so much a team, as a partnership.

Plus if you supposedly love each other, wouldn't you want you both to have a smooth a ride as possible.

I used to be married to a caveman. Even when I was working 25 hours a week, I did all the housework and childcare. I'd not get sat down until 9/10 at night while he would be swanning about in the pub.

It won't end well. There will be resentment.

marriedinwhiteisback · 16/10/2013 13:03

Depends whether he's swanning about in the pub I suppose.

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 13:09

No, I also don't think my partner's career advancement should be done on the back of my domestic labour.

marriedinwhiteisback · 16/10/2013 13:18

But if your partner's earning potential is several multiples of your own why would that not be a justifiable and sensible objective decision Mother Inferior? Would you not wish to reap the joint rewards of your combined team efforts?

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 13:39

What, I should clean up his crap so he can have a lovely high-flying career? No thanks.

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 13:39

I see my contribution to the world in general in terms other than housework, thanks.