To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

No he wouldn't have to do it if he lived alone - he would outsource.

Can you afford a cleaner OP?

Just make sure you get a job that involves working Saturdays!

Well I think it depends whether you have to go back to work or not or whether you are doing it just for you and for spending money.

My husband has always worked long hours although rather longer than being out of the house from 7.45 to 7/7.30 and when I was at home I did everything although to be fair he always paid for a cleaner and still does although I have her twice a week now because somehow teenagers make more mess than toddlers.

We never argued about - he brought the money home; I sorted out the home - that was my job. When I went back to work I sub contracted more house work.

I got home from work at about 7.30 last night and frankly all I wanted to do was sit down and have a glass of wine once dinner was on - not start cleaning and doing housework and in that context I quite understand how anyone feels - male or female when they get home from work.

We are a unit that works together and support each other in whatever ways we are best at.

Here's another take on person 1, person 2.
Person 1 and person 2 share a house together. All the mundane housework falls to person 2, who doesn't complain. They took a few years off work to look after their child and feel it's their duty, while person 2 works long hours.
Person 1 is very happy indeed with this arrangement. They never lift a finger around the house. It's like having a live in P.A., nanny and housekeeper rolled into one.
The child starts school and person 2 is no longer needed at home full time. They are getting tired of doing all of the shit work, all of the time. They would like to work again as they would like to provide financially for the household, they would find it personally fulfilling and they would like some financial independence.
Person 1 has other ideas. They feel, after years of living this way, that they are more important than person 2. They like how things are. Person 2's happiness is secondary. Boring housework is beneath them. They do not feel they should lower themselves to such tasks again.

SugarHut, I agree with you that any decisions which impact on the family as whole should be made with the agreement and/or compromise of the whole family. I can't really understand doing it any other way. Announcing something, fait accompli, to my DH or him to me is just bizarre.

However you seem to be overlooking one crucial aspect.

In order for things to continue as they have, it necessitates the foregoing of any sort of pension, any sort of income, any sort of work experience, any sort of keeping-one's-hand-in, any sort of career progression...

So while the OP was unreaonable to just announce her plans in a 'decision made' sort of fashion, her DH's response reveals him to be somewhat of a buffoon, as well.

I can't imagine being married to someone who would just take for granted me going up my entire career, my years of education, my future career prospects, and my future earnings, in a 'I don't care what you do, as long as the drudge work gets done' wave of the hand.

Sorry, but what an unevolved twat! You might be happy to be married to such a specimen. One who patronisingly tells you 'he could never do what you do', pat-on-the-head-dear, but others of us are not.

And I must say ... I find there to be something deeply suspect about women who rush to identify with the man/husband in a scenario such as this. It's weird, IMVHO.

But if a woman is the main breadwinner and does most or all of the paid work, then I think the man should be doing all the domestic stuff.

It's about equality and recalling how easy being a sAHM was (for 8 years) I really don't get the argument that the full-time paid worker should do half the house stuff as well.

Our house was almost perfect when I was a SAHM - it took me about an hour a day and then there were trips to the park, singing, toddler mornings, coffees with friends, tootles round the shops. And while I did that and loved it and felt incredibly privileged to be doing it my DH was working his balls off under huge pressure. And I supported him to build his reputation and the other primary school mummies pursed their lips and tutted and said "I wouldn't stand for it". And in many cases they stood still and some of their DP's moved on.

SJ Will said Person 1 has other ideas. They feel, after years of living this way, that they are more important than person 2. They like how things are. Person 2's happiness is secondary. Boring housework is beneath them. They do not feel they should lower themselves to such tasks again

That was exactly the impression that I got.

well not will.

I don't know what is wrong with me this morning!

If you recall being a SAHM as easy, then that's maybe because you were cut out for it / didn't have experience of others things / yada / yada / delete as appropriate.

Other people most definitely do not find SAHM-ing 'easy' in the slightest. And that needs to be taken into account.

I think being a SAHM is very easy compared to FT WOH. Most of the time your deadlines are self-imposed and you have a great deal of flexibility, which is not the case when you are WOH. However, to find being a SAHM easy means, I think, that you need a lot of natural self-discipline and to like the creative aspects of child rearing and home making.

Let's imagine I hadn't had to do any housework for a few years (fab). Would I be rushing back to it? God, no.

If I got run over by a bus tomorrow, would my dh start doing all the housework? No, he'd start working out how to outsource as much as possible.

Golf, every Saturday morning- fine your dh has a hobby. Down time away from work and family. You need to work that into your life too, then you can be less resentful of his time.

Why isn't he helping with the housework - why should you be expected to do work outside of the home & at your home? Time for you to get a cleaner

I don't get this thread. The OP has clearly stated that her husband WANTS her to go back to work. For most families the SAHP period is a few years out of a working life, not a permanent state of being. So once the initial dependency period is over then the SAHP returns to work. This is completely normal and expected surely?

Of course there is a period of readjustment for everyone, but then for most people life is a compromise. I've been the working parent with a stay at home partner, and it was bloody lovely except for the financial strain.
Now we are both working again the chores are split between me, dh and our children, with help when we can afford it. I've never had the expectation that because dh used to be at home he should have to make my life easier, why on earth should he, I am not more important than him just because my pay check is bigger. That's just bullshit.

Oh, and for me full time work has always been easier than being at home with small children because I am lucky enough to choose the work I do, and I'm not naturally very inclined towards nurturing toddlers (much better with teenagers so far!). Which is probably the position of many parents that opt to work as opposed to all day child rearing (if they have the choice).

Ideally we all play to our strengths.

My DP does 12 hours shifts, it's a physical job, I am a SAHM to an 18 month old.

My DP gets up with the baby on his days off for me to have a lay in.

He hoovers and washes up dishes when I go to town for shopping on his days off.

He deals with all the garden maintenance.

We alternate doing baby's bathtime every night regardless of whether he's worked that day.

I do everything else, but you can bet your bottom dollar when I go back to work he will put even more effort in helping round the house.

No he wouldn't have to do it if he lived alone - he would outsource.

Not everybody outsources (most people in my world don't).
When my husband lived alone he managed to work full time, cook for himself, wash and iron his clothes and keep his apartment clean and tidy.
When we both worked full time we split the household chores equally.
Now I'm a SAHM I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, shopping, help the children with their homework, extra curricular clubs etc. We split the laundry and ironing equally. Husband works full time and in addition to the laundry and ironing he maintains the garden, loads the dishwasher daily and sorts the rubbish. He doesn't cook often because frankly I am much better at it.
If he lived alone he would be doing everything himself, like he did prior to living with me - he wouldn't outsource. Obviously it is easier to cook and clean for one single person though.
We have discussed me returning to work and have agreed that we will both chip in with whatever household chores need doing when that time comes.

Your DH works long hours and makes enough money for you all to live on. Why should he do housework?

ehh? 12 hours out of the house is not that excessive? My DH is out of the house for 11 hours and has a stressful job as a teacher and deputy head of dept and he still does the washing up, laundry and ironing when he gets in. I also work - school hours, then I pick up the DCs, take them to activitities, spend time with them, start cooking at 5 then till 7 its' dinner, bedtime etc and then from 7pm I make packed lunches for DS and myself, clean the kitchen, bake something or do food prep for the next day, sort out clothes etc and we finally sit down at around 9pm. DH goes to play squash a couple of times a week in the evening and I go to zumba twice a week too. We both have equal amount so leisure time and do about the same amount of housework during the week. At weekends DH does most of the cleaning of the house, changing beds, laundry etc whilst I look after the DCs or take them to swimming/dance lessons.

OP - it was a sh*tty comment. Time for a sit down and a serious chat about your mutual expectations I think. You have a young child, you would both (I presume) like another. A second small baby in the house changes the dynamic considerably in my experience. Your DH will by necessity have to step up then anyway.

If you are about to start IVF and all that entails, what will you do if you get pregnant and have another child? Are you planning on a couple of years out again and then back to work? Does your H assume that will be it for employment and essentially anything you do secure now is temporary, for pin money? He might like the extra income but he certainly doesn't sound like he is taking you seriously.

The only time I was a SAHM was when I was on maternity leave. MAternity leave with one DC was pretty easy and was easier than going to work. But my 2nd maternity leave was hell on earth (DCs 21 months apart) and I couldn't wait to go back to work. Even DH says he'd rather be at work, however stressful it is, than being at home with two small DCs. I think everybody has different experiences of being a SAHP.

Read the op. Currently has a child who has started school. Let's assume half days. She currently has time to do the housework, volunteer (in order to help make her more employable) and take a bit of time out for herself. Really she does.
WHEN she does go back to work she will have less time to do the housework. So either dh helps or they employ help.
This isn't about being a sahm, its about the transition from being a sahm to being a wohm.

I was addressing whoever said that being a SAHM is easy, just saying that it wasn't IMO!
I totally agree that when kids are at school then the SAHP should be doing the vast majority of the housework and that parent goes back to work, then ofcourse housework should be shared.

I am shocked by all these comments that because the OP DH is earning enough money for the family then they shouldn't be working because their role is at home looking after the dcs unless there is no other option for her than working to make meets end.

I am at work because I need it for my emotional well being, to feel useful. I am at work because we nearly got divorced a dew years ago and I remember how scared I was robe on my own with potentially no money. I am at work because I have learnt that that sort if situation could happen for a whole lot of other reasons such as death or accident. I am at work because I want my dcs to learn that equality means that a woman can work and her work to be as important as the one of a man (even more important as they are boys). I am at work because I live my job and shouldn't I be able to a job that I love? I am at work because he and childcare is dome thing we should both be involved in equally as we are equal as parents. I am at work because for me, being at home is boring and depressing.
And the reality is that you don't need that many reasons. Just the last one should be enough for your partner to want and support you.

Just make sure you get a job that involves working Saturdays!

This.

Being a sahp is definitely not easy. You can't even do a no.2 in peace. Your day to day life revolves around the dc.
If the op is going to be returning to wohm ft then her dh needs to pull his wrt to housework & do his share or they'll need to hire in a cleaner. Her dh had a very shitty response & comes across as rather sexist imo.