To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

Agree wordfactory. If one half is working all hours in a job they hate because the other half enjoys drinking coffee so much that they don't want to leave the house, but the agreement is that the coffee drinker cleans the loo, I suppose fair enough, there's none so strange as folk.

However, I think some people are pulling a fast one with "oh my job is so stressful, I have to work till late, all I can do is eat and watch tv when I come home" and they tend to be men. Women seem to be able to fit in making children's lunches, checking homework, doing a load of laundry, noting what's in the fridge etc. etc. etc., whatever they do and whether or not they are the higher earner.

It doesn't sound as though either married or her other half have to do these things, which is great for them but not really applicable to the OP.

Married. The majority of people cannot afford staff to do the house. You are in a tiny minority that can. What do you expect people who can't afford it to do?

I am really frightened by all these women or men that think they can just rely on their partner's income.
My experience is that
1- it is disastrous if you get divorced/one partner is ill (eg the SAHP is unable to do their share) or dies etc... The first one being the most likely
2- it is a real issue if the only earning person loose their job, not quite an unusual situation these days and the reason why so many people are in dire financial situation atm
3- the power balance in the couple is wrong. So the earning partner needs to go away for work, regardless of what the other one has planned his 'needs' will come first. The working person wants some time off, again their needs are coming first. Etc etc. it is much harder to have your pov heard when you are completely dependant on the other as the non working partner is.

Thisismeto.

In an ideal world no one would have to rely on anyone else for money, but a lot of people really don't want to put their children into childcare. Unless you get free family help (a lot of people don't) then that is often the only option if you are going to earn money of your own. Its a massive sacrifice for financial independence for a lot of people.

Things don't always go how you plan them and my plan of working from home on a self employed basis whilst my dc were young, became impossible when a family member died. You can't always predict these things.

I am trying to get work now that my children are at school but without after school care my options are limited.

I definitely can relate to your number 3 in that my dhs job has to take priority over my getting back to work because he is bringing the money in. Pissesme off massively but don't know what the alternative is. I've just had to cancel an opportunity for myself because of his work

I know what you mean re things don't always go to plan... Obviously there are things you can't do anything about and you have to make do.
But I really think that when planning to stop work for your dcs, you should think about the consequences. Quite often it means reverting to a1950 set up and men aren't keen to change that as it is so comfortable for them!

Re work opportunities, I found the only way is to be as careless as a man, not to ask and do it anyway because your work is just as important (and true fully you aren't going to get a job if he isn't making an effort now).

It's one thing not being able to work because of childcare, quite another not being able to work because of house care.

(But I agree one sometimes drifts into becoming the other, and this seems to be the case with the OP).

I don't have any children yet but DH and I are both out of the house for longer than your DH. We don't live in a filthy pit because of this - you fit it in!

I do agree both should share but unless you live in a stately home housework is a very small amount of tie out of the week.

Louwn. There is sooooo much more once you have children!

I don't have any children yet but DH and I are both out of the house for longer than your DH.

Do you have any pets?

Two people who hardly stop at home leave much less dirt and mess.

Even if you consider that 'housework' (including feeding and washing working OH's clothes) is SAHM work for time constraints reasons, the crux is weekends.

If the SAHM partner still finds themselves busying round looking after the children and cooking and cleaning for everyone while the working OH gets to relax and effectively take Saturday off (as was the case with the OP) then it is profoundly unfair.

I love the way I have developed staff. Five hours of cleaner a week for a three story victorian monstrosity full of dust catching surfaces in the middle of London is not actually that much in context. And there is still the shopping, cooking, teenage pickups, admin and a myriad other things to do but I don't find it a problem because I like looking after them all and am happy.

When people say you should both be working because things might change in the future i.e. divorce, they're ignoring what it's really like. Firstly, should you really live your life on the assumption that the worst will happen, every day as if it's your last? Secondly, unless your work/childcare arrangements are entirely independent of your partner, the chances are that when there's a breakup you may be unable to continue the previous work arrangements. And thirdly, at a time when you are dealing with something really devastating, you may be unable to manage to continue the job. So divorce may actually result in you having to give up a job.

Please give me three examples of women who have been so devastated by their divorce that they have given up paid work...

50% of current marriages are predicted to end in divorce. It's not a remote offchance, so it makes sense, in financial planning at least, to assume it might happen.

And when couples do divorce you don't usually hear the one who did the earning and mortgage paying being 100% happy to hand over half their pension etc. It may be all cosy teamwork while a couple is together but far too many women who did more of the domestic work get financially shafted after divorce.

If being at home with the kids and doing housework was so great, men would do it.

I hate housework. I would much rather go to work - I would rather do anything than drudge after another adult. So I am completely on board with these men who want to work long hours and never lift a dishcloth.

But I could treat my DH like that, because I love and respect him as an equal.

Sorry, I could never treat my DH like that. What do these men really think of their wives, that they are not prepared to lift a finger in the home?

I am delighted to report that a news release from the British Heart Foundation has just arrived in my inbox, pointing out that housework does not count as physical activity strenuous enough to protect your health.

Sisters! Put down that duster and put on your walking boots! Live long and prosper. Which is a damn sight better for 'family life' in any case.

i will tell you what they think of their wives - that they are their servants or maids or something, that is what they signed up for.

jan49, if somebody enjoys housework and is happy with a bit of financial risk, great. The point is that nobody should be made to feel that they aren't entitled to earn a salary unless they have done the housework.

From my point of view, that kind of attitude would cause a much higher than 50% chance of divorce.

Motherinferior, well I can't but I don't personally know many people with young children who are divorced. But when my h came home on a Friday night and announced he was having an affair and was leaving, there is no way at that point I could have carried on as usual. I didn't have a job at the time and if I had, I think I'd have needed to leave or been sacked for absence.

But also what about the many households where both work and share childcare, then one leaves and stops doing their share of childcare or becomes unreliable? Do you expect someone to continue to do the same work and hours as a single parent that they managed when they had another parent involved? Often that's just not possible.

Better to have a foot in the door of employment and the possibility of being able to ask to reduce hours temporarily than to have to look for a job as a single parent. Neither option is good but one offers more security.

I am sorry about your husband, and I agree that you'd have to have taken sick leave.

But we are talking about households where both partners are (ostensibly) present. Just that the one afflicted with a penis finds it hard to pick up a hoover as well.

I suspect hoover wrist is a complication of man flu.

Afflicted with a penis. That's not nice. How would you feel if someone said a woman was afflicted with breasts or a vagina. And you have the audacity to talk about equality and being respected.