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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

361 replies

Stillhopingstillhere · 14/10/2013 11:28

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 16/10/2013 13:42

...and like I say: if it's so easy, he can do his share without much impingement on his life; if it's so hard, I don't see why I should pick up his slack.

BooCanary · 16/10/2013 13:55

Totally agree with you Motherinferior!

Funny how its almost ALWAYS the woman taking one for the 'team'.

Lweji · 16/10/2013 13:56

But if your partner's earning potential is several multiples of your own why would that not be a justifiable and sensible objective decision Mother Inferior?

Unfortunately that usually doesn't work in reverse.

If you were the high flier do you think your H would do all the housework for you? Be honest.

Lweji · 16/10/2013 13:57

And high fliers should still be expected to pick up their fair share over the weekend or time off. I doubt they do.

impty · 16/10/2013 14:05

And high fliers should still be expected to pick up their fair share over the weekend or time off. I doubt they do.

Well some do. Dh cooks every Saturday night (hates it but does it, so I don't have to) and is very helpful in the home, gardening, diy etc etc. Often works away, does 50+ hours a week at work. Def. Regarded as a high flyer. I don't work outside the home.

As someone mentioned up thread, respect is key. Self respect, being part of that.

Slipshodsibyl · 16/10/2013 14:10

But if you find - as I certainly do - that being a sahm is easier than working, then you aren't 'taking one for the team'. You are having the easier time. The same applies if your job has shorter ours than your partner's and you regularly find yourself home a few hours earlier than him/ her, surely?

This attitude, I know, ignores any discussion about whether it is good not to earn. I think there are issues later in life when the children grow if you don't keep a hand in, but Married has avoided that by planning and retraining.w

Lweji · 16/10/2013 14:10

Yes, sorry, I meant these high fliers who "can't possibly do more than earn money" and have to be fully supported.

Lweji · 16/10/2013 14:12

It is one thing to pick up more at home than the other partner, because you have an easier job, or work less hours, or work at home.
Another is for that partner to do nothing, or virtually nothing, or cherry pick what he does for his convenience.

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 14:21

I'm not sure about the fewer hours - I work fewer hours than my partner but don't see why I should fill those hours when he's on the train or at a meeting with housework. Admittedly I am particularly touchy about this because I work from home. (I might run up supper in my lunch hour but that's about it.)

What 'joint rewards' would I be reaping from propping up his career by doing his share of the housework? I'd be spending my time doing housework. That doesn't look like much of a reward to me.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 16/10/2013 14:22

I love that the two posters telling us how incredibly easy it is to keep a house clean, are the ones that have staff. Grin

You know what? It's easier to keep a clean house clean.

Would that all I had to do to clean my house was 'run a cloth over the bannisters' Hmm

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 16/10/2013 14:29

motherinferior, I think the financial worth of an SAHM is in drop-of-a-hat childcare, really, rather than housework. DH used to do one of these 'high-pressure' jobs that so exercise people on here. He could just phone me up at 8pm and say, 'looks like this is going to be an all-nighter so I'll see you tomorrow'. Which you can't really do with a childminder.

(He still pulled his weight with the housework though.)

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 14:36

Oh yes, I agree re childcare. My partner can work late because I'm based at home. And that I can see as a pay-off, really. The state of the kitchen, less so.

merrymouse · 16/10/2013 14:41

These days many of us knock along for a decade or more before we have children, somehow managing to live in sanitary conditions, washing and feeding ourselves and leaving the house every day to go to work. The idea that suddenly you have children and one of you becomes unable to do basic housework/self care/cooking is just plain odd.

Obviously sometimes one partner needs to stay at home to mind children, but nobody should have to stay at home to mind the dishwasher. (Unless they really, really want to, in which case it takes all sorts to make a world and many people have stranger hobbies).

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/10/2013 14:49

DH is a 'high-flyer', I'm a SAHM.

I love being at home with my DCs and being able to suit myself with how I spend my time, but there are days when it is a slog (mine are still little and need lots of looking after).

DH still does his bit when he's here though, and wouldn't dream of thinking that just because the payslip has his name on it that that gives him some kind of automatic right to decide everything about how and where we live, holiday and all the rest of it.
He cooks at the weekends, does his share of the dull clearing up and tidying after two small boys and is perfectly capable of seeing that the floor needs a hoover and getting on with it.

Lweji · 16/10/2013 14:53

Regarding child care and working long hours, it works both ways, unless both work late quite frequently.

With a partner at home it's easier for any of the two to work more hours. Or go on longer work trips.

As a currently single mother, I can still do it to a point as I have family support, but with limits.

It is much harder for an isolated single parent.

OrangePanda · 16/10/2013 15:16

I am a woman thank you. And I agree that working is harder than being at home. I hate to think my hubby is away from home just to make money and I am full of coffee lol! I can make his home very cosy and welcoming. If I want to work then I can do it but it is a job I would do in addition to my main role in the house. No sexism about it - it makes for happy environments.

ThisIsMeToo · 16/10/2013 15:19

Unfortunately studies have shown that when a woman us the high flyer, they do even more housework than when they have a similar wage than their DH :(

And yes it is hard to get equal treatment of a woman's work ands man's work. Somehow the man' sis always more important, has less flexibility, even when both partners do the same job!
It is still something you have to demand rather than ask, let alone expect.

ThisIsMeToo · 16/10/2013 15:22

orange I hope you don't mind me saying that for me, being at home is HARDER than being at work? Especially as I love my work and I hate all the housework stuff. And even though I work long hours, not usually back until 8.00~9.00 at night.
I've also done the long travels before and the meetings and the 1.5h commute each way.
Bit none if it was as hard as being at home with young dcs. Or as boring as being at home with some school age dcs.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 16/10/2013 16:26

married, you said:

Why is it such an issue to keep a house a clean and tidy. It isn't hard, it doesn't take long and it really isn't a bit deal. I can do it standing on my head. With or without a cleaner. Why is it such an issue and why does it create such bitterness. Most people could have a place spotless in the time it takes to complain about it.

...and I said, 'why don't you ask your husband for the answer to that question, it might be quite revealing'. If it's so easy and no effort, why doesn't he bother his arse with it?!

But of course when you say, 'most people could have a place spotless...' what you mean is, 'most women could'.

And this is also quite telling...

But if your partner's earning potential is several multiples of your own

Shocking notion, but some of us pull in just as much as our partners/husband - most likely enabled by not accepting being the drudge-worker in the home...! Why should we agree to be the one who does it all indoors?!

merrymouse · 16/10/2013 16:56

Bet same sex couples don't have this kind of argument.

BooCanary · 16/10/2013 17:45

Thisismetoo my FIL once told me that DH may be able to get some DIY done if I could ensure his tea was on the table as soon as he got in from work Hmm . I politely, but through gritted teeth, reminded him that I worked longer hours than DH and got home often an hour later than him, so this wouldn't be possible. I could have also added that I had a more senior role and was the higher earner, but I refrained.

Hardly any wonder that we are still putting up with lazy men, when their fathers are such a bad example ( although in my case my DF has always more than pulled his weight round the house - but unfortunately he didnt have sons to pass his domesticity - and full head of hair Grin - on to!!).

marriedinwhiteisback · 16/10/2013 20:19

Grandstandingblu Why on earth would I have such a banal conversation with my DH when there are so many more interesting topics of conversation to fill both of our time with. My DH doesn't shift his arse over the chores because frankly he doesn't have to and neither do I.

In response to the rest of your post the year before our ds1 was born (1994) I was earning more than six figures. I don't quite think the label drudge applies and if you want to infer that I'm not as capable as any other woman or man on this thread because I happen to have taken the lead role at home I think that's pretty low and not actually very appropriate in the context of equality and valuing everyone for their individual contributions.

What is the point of arguing over housework if both partners together are able to provide more than the sum total of their financial commitments. At that point as much as needs to be is outsourced but I really can't see the point of doing this if one partner works part-time and children are at school, and the home is no bigger than a 3/4 bedroom property - especially if it's modern and easy to clean - that is not the best use of family resources.

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 21:27

I still don't see what I get out of this alleged 'use of family resources'. Sure, my partner gets a free housekeeper. What's my benefit?

motherinferior · 16/10/2013 21:29

And of course my partner and I spend time discussing the banal issue of housework. He may have a penis but that isn't a get-out clause for a spot of domestic tedium.

marriedinwhiteisback · 16/10/2013 21:42

But just think how much more time you'd have for sex if all the housework was done motherinferior wouldn't that be more fun than talking about housework. Grin.

Guess we all want and expect different things.