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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my husband is a selfish fuck?

85 replies

Greenpanda · 13/10/2013 20:51

I've got a week old baby and DH has today gone away for a week with work. He had asked me on Friday if I wanted him to cancel, but I suspect he knew I'd say no due to the potential implications for his career and because I know this work trip is somewhere he wants to go. Today he told me he could have cancelled without any negative affect on his career as it would just be counted as paternity leave, although obviously today was too late to cancel. I have no family nearby and will now be in my own all week with the baby, a toddler and a child with special needs.

This isn't the first time he's done this, last time he left less than 12 hours after I'd been discharged from hospital with a potentially life threatening condition. (reluctantly on the doctor's part, although I didn't discharge myself)

Then, I discover he's been buying things on EBay to do with his hobby and getting them sent to his work. I haven't had my hair coloured for 6 months to try and save money and when he asked what I wanted for my upcoming birthday I suggested if just get my hair done instead of a present. I'm pissed off because the cost of what he's bought/buying on eBay is easily the cost of a hair appointment. I never ask for nothing for my birthday, Mothers Day etc, but he always has an expensive list of wants.

I've been crying most of the afternoon and I'm worried this is going to tip me into PND. I've had it before and I suspect I had antenatal depression towards the end of my pregnancy. I don't really see what I can do other than leave him, he just doesn't take me seriously.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/10/2013 20:53

YANBU

Not even a little bit.

YoureBeingADick · 13/10/2013 20:56

oh I had one like that. dumped him. lived happily every after and never found receipts or new clothes stashed at the back of the wardrobe again. maybe not what you want to hear. but i'm happy. are you?

Preciousbane · 13/10/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2013 20:58

You poor thing. Obviously, he does sound very selfish.

Have you ever laid it on the line with him?

MajesticWhine · 13/10/2013 20:58

YANBU. You poor thing. Can you get any support from family, friends or neighbours while he is away? When he gets back, you must talk to him honestly about how you are feeling and about what support you need.
It would be tempting to sell some of his crap on ebay and book that hair appointment.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 13/10/2013 20:59

Selfish arse!

travailtotravel · 13/10/2013 21:00

Rght - this needs to stop. Be very very clear with him when he gets back that this is unacceptable and that he starts to consider his family first, you as his equal and all finances as family.

Oh, and book the f*ing hair appointment.

PS Congrats on the baby Flowers

YouTheCat · 13/10/2013 21:03

Why did he not take the 2 weeks paternity that he is entitled to?

quoteunquote · 13/10/2013 21:05

What twonk,

congratulations by the way,

can anyone come and help?

If not get a cleaning agency in a couple of times, to help.

and as for buying things sneakily, what a git.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 13/10/2013 21:06

YANBU. At all.

What you need right now though is practical help. Before he goes, he can easily set up online shops (one for tomorrow and one to arrive later in the week) and ensure the house is spotless.

You could both put out a call for help from all of your friends to see if anyone can take your older children out for a few hours at a time over the week.

Where are you? I bet there are MNers out there who would bring you a hot meal or a chat over Brew during the week Smile

CaptainSweatPants · 13/10/2013 21:09

Sorry not helpful but why on earth did you have no 3 with this man who doesn't give a shite about you :(

Could you get your mum or mil to stay for the week

Ring the health visitor if you start feeling bad :(

Flowers
PasswordProtected · 13/10/2013 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 13/10/2013 21:10

I was going to ask the exact same thing that ATruth just asked!

Whereabouts are you?

I know how you feel about the whole being left thing. ExP did that to me for two weeks after I had DC3 - I was very lucky in that I had my Mum staying for that time. To be fair to ExP he had no choice in the matter, he's self-employed and would have lost a shitload of money if he'd not worked. He knew I had Mum there but was gutted at missing DS's first two weeks.

So, yes, please let us know where you are so that some kind MNer (or more than 1!) can possibly give you some RL support.

TeamEdward · 13/10/2013 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 13/10/2013 21:16

I don't know why you didn't say you would need him home.

Did you discuss with him regarding saving money.

cees · 13/10/2013 21:16

YANBU
He is a massive pig for leaving you like this. Why didn't you tell him not to go? I feel for you but stop being a martyr, be direct and very blunt with him in future. You need to assert yourself and don't be afraid to tell him you need him home.

Congratulations on you new baby

Original poster
Greenpanda · 13/10/2013 21:20

Now I'm crying because of the kind offers of help. Thank you! A couple of friends have offered and are arranged to come round for coffee etc but I'm just going to muddle through with the housework this week. Husband did go to the supermarket and get some bits in before he went today at least.

I know I'll manage, but I feel this time should be spent enjoying our newborn instead of managing, if that makes sense?

I'm going to try and see this week as an opportunity to prove to myself I can manage and think about what I want to say to him when he gets back. He didn't take two weeks paternity due to this work trip and he plans to take his second week when he gets back and his parents are here.

OP posts:
PansOnFire · 13/10/2013 21:21

YANBU, at all, not even slightly.

I'm sorry you feel so terrible, he's a selfish arse who seems to be putting a lot of emotional baggage at your feet. You say you could have asked him not to go - he knew he didn't have to. He's hiding things so that you make sacrifices and he doesn't have to. You're sitting there feeling bad. That's awful.

Seriously, let him go and you enjoy the break from the emotional tension he's creating. I can't imagine how hard it must be with 3 little ones but the break from him sounds like it's what you need. Don't let the terrible way he's treating you tip you into PND, it's likely you're feeling down but not because of PND but because of him.

Do you have anyone you could talk to? Even over Skype? You need a friend to have a chat and a cuppa with because it often puts everything into perspective. I think the suggestions about cleaners etc up thread are great too, there is some great advice on here.

Take the week slowly, don't expect too much from yourself and do what needs doing in the immediate rather than doing too much by trying to do everything. Enjoy your week with your babies and without someone who makes you feel bad.

I'd second ATruth's advice - where are you? Us MNers will be more than happy to help :), it's happened before.

Original poster
Greenpanda · 13/10/2013 21:22

I don't know why I didn't just tell him not to go. I think because I'm worried about the potentially negative affect on his career and the knock on affect/financial affect that may have on our family.

I need to stand up for myself, don't I? Sad

OP posts:
skippy84 · 13/10/2013 21:24

Not to be harsh but if you didn't ask him not to go, how is he to know you didn't want him to go?

Libertine73 · 13/10/2013 21:26

password wtf?

Libertine73 · 13/10/2013 21:28

You thought he needed to go, he knew he didn't, and only told you when it was to late to cancel. Your right, he's a selfish fuck.

quoteunquote · 13/10/2013 21:29

He shouldn't of even asked you to make the choice,

Very unreasonable to make you the one who has that responsibility , of course you would feel pressured into making a for the great good decision, it was unfair, and when you did agree it would be OK, he should of said no, he couldn't possible leave you on your own.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2013 21:30

Yes you do but I understand why you didn't.

It can feel like a weak position when you've just had a baby and are teetering on the edge of PND. Like you need someone's permission to ask for help because if you ask for it that means you aren't good enough and will be a burden to him because you aren't "working" and he is.

Women on Maternity leave, and SAHM, from my own experience and on here seem to carry a bit of guilt and it doesn't take much to skew their thinking so they don't stand up for themselves.

But that just isn't fair and it isn't right that he would do this to you, not once, but twice - proving that this isn't some new adjustment to having a baby but a sign of his attitude towards you.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/10/2013 21:31

Do you think that you didn't tell him not to go as you were worried about the potential negative effect on your relationship? In that you felt he might resent you for not wanting him to go?

He told you it wouldn't have an effect on his career so it's not that, really, is it?

You need to have a long, adult talk when you get back, preferably before his parents get there and you end up waiting on them and and foot, no doubt.