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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a selfish fuck?

85 replies

Greenpanda · 13/10/2013 20:51

I've got a week old baby and DH has today gone away for a week with work. He had asked me on Friday if I wanted him to cancel, but I suspect he knew I'd say no due to the potential implications for his career and because I know this work trip is somewhere he wants to go. Today he told me he could have cancelled without any negative affect on his career as it would just be counted as paternity leave, although obviously today was too late to cancel. I have no family nearby and will now be in my own all week with the baby, a toddler and a child with special needs.

This isn't the first time he's done this, last time he left less than 12 hours after I'd been discharged from hospital with a potentially life threatening condition. (reluctantly on the doctor's part, although I didn't discharge myself)

Then, I discover he's been buying things on EBay to do with his hobby and getting them sent to his work. I haven't had my hair coloured for 6 months to try and save money and when he asked what I wanted for my upcoming birthday I suggested if just get my hair done instead of a present. I'm pissed off because the cost of what he's bought/buying on eBay is easily the cost of a hair appointment. I never ask for nothing for my birthday, Mothers Day etc, but he always has an expensive list of wants.

I've been crying most of the afternoon and I'm worried this is going to tip me into PND. I've had it before and I suspect I had antenatal depression towards the end of my pregnancy. I don't really see what I can do other than leave him, he just doesn't take me seriously.

OP posts:
AutumnLeafMyArse · 14/10/2013 17:58

It really seems that his decision to go when not absolutely necessary is speaking volumes about how he views his family responsibilities at such an emotionally and physically demanding time for you OP.

Xales · 14/10/2013 18:23

To be honest I would be tempted not to be there or to be contactable when he comes back.

He spends money when you are going with out to try and reduce costs. He lets you come out of hospital when not the best option, abandons you with his bitchy family around and dumps you in a fragile state with a new born + two others while he goes away on something unnecessary.

This man is a selfish fuck.

You are unimportant as a person to him.

Threalamandaclarke · 15/10/2013 10:07

greenpanda Thanks congratulation on your new beautiful baby.
YANBU. I would feel hurt and pissed off if my DH went away. It was thoughtless of him. He should not have asked you if it was ok. He should have just said "no" to them.
My advice (fwiw) is as follows: make the most of your time without him, enjoy your new baby and your DCs.
If at all possible have someone take care of your housework/ laundry/ childcare. If someone I knew was in your position I would be bursting to be asked to help. Have a few ppl do a little bit each and it will all come together.
Lower your housekeeping expectation. Order- in food if needed.
Book your hair appointment.
Be very clear with your DH that he was a selfish, ignorant and thoughtless and you are hurt by his attitude.

Tbh. Whilst I would fantasise about planning bloody revenge (check out my username) I wouldn't consider ending a marriage over this. You say he's hands on at home. If he is otherwise a good husband and father I'd consider keeping him. This isn't the time to unbalance your family (I know this is not your doing btw, and he is being a total wanker) unless you really think you'd be better off without him.
Brew Cake

Threalamandaclarke · 15/10/2013 10:09

Btw. I am good at laundry. And fully CRB checked.

BeCool · 15/10/2013 10:15

Yes he is a selfish fuck. He should have not even asked you - he should have made a grown up decision as a partner and parent and not gone. This is blindingly clear.

Congrats on your new baby Thanks

Have a hug {{{{ }}}}
And a benefits calculator

Original poster
Greenpanda · 25/10/2013 16:56

Well he came back and because I'm an idiot I let him, although we did talk about it, but things mainly carried on as normal. Sad

He has been helpful around the house this week, but only when he feels like it and he seems to think he's doing me a favour.

The baby has been having a growth spurt the last couple of days, so the housework has gone to pot a bit and as a result, the house was a tip this morning, despite DH's parents arriving today, although they are staying in a rented house nearby and just spending their days here. DH went out, leaving me not knowing when he was coming back, so I was trying to juggle a baby and toddler while getting dressed, having breakfast and trying to tidy up, which resulted in me texting him and telling him (admittedly crossly) to just stay at the house with his parents. He then rang me up and said 'listen to me carefully, this is your last chance' very aggressively, so obviously I told him I wouldn't be spoken to like that and put the phone down.

He then turned up to collect older DC from school, but literally as I had to leave, so I'd already managed to get myself, baby and toddler ready and said I would go. When I got back he was gone. He then text to day he'd be collecting the baby and toddler to take to see his Mum at x time. The baby is breastfed FFS!!! Obviously I told him he couldn't take the baby and didn't hear anything else until he turned up to collect the toddler. I was just making the dinner, so I said no and things needed to be properly arranged, at which point he started threatening me with solicitors and having a go at me until I was crying.

Then he left again. He's taken the car, despite the fact I need to go shopping. Apparently it's 'not far to walk'. (Its raining here most of the day at the moment) he said he'll return the car tomorrow.

He says its all my fault, I'm evil apparently. I just feel worn down by it all. I don't want the DC to see my cry, but I'm sat here feeding the baby with tears streaming down my face.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/10/2013 17:02

Am really sorry things are so bad greenpanda.

You are NOT the unreasonable one here!

Is there anyone around who could help with practical stuff?

Loopytiles · 25/10/2013 17:06

What's your financial set-up? Do you both share family money?

He doesn't sound like a good partner, who respects your role as a SAHM or how this helps him in his career.

If he was decent, he wouldn't say those nasty things to you or prioritise a non-essential work trip and his parents visiting over caring for his partner and newborn and older DC.

Loopytiles · 25/10/2013 17:09

As for his threats of this being YOUR last chance, and solicitors (Shock), turning that around, kicking him out and seeing a solicitor could be a really good thing (for you).

RiaOverTheRainbow · 25/10/2013 17:10

What an absolute bastard. Do you have anyone nearby who can support you? Get the shopping delivered, it often doesn't cost more than fuel would if you drove.

raisah · 25/10/2013 17:32

Change locks, record his threats and play it back in front of his parents so that they know exactly what kind of creature they have brought up, call up someone to stay with you for a bit, book a cleaner to help & charge it to him.

If you decide to see a solicitor do remember that the first half hour is free. See a family solicitor rather than a general practice one. Remember he wont have a leg to stand on with regards to child custody after the threats he has made. If you feel really threatened, call the police and dont let him bully you and play mind games.

Mim78 · 25/10/2013 18:11

He needs to take the second week when his parents are not there to spread out your support! If he can defer this second week til after his trip he cam defer til after they've gone! (unless your in laws are a nightmare of course!)

Mim78 · 25/10/2013 18:14

Shit didn't read the last page before posting as on my phone! Scrub that remark! Do what others have said and change locks etc.

Original poster
Greenpanda · 25/10/2013 19:03

My in laws are a nightmare. I expect they're currently telling DH what a bitch I am and how he's not at all in the wrong and is better off without me. They have the rather odd view that although all housework etc is women's work they also look down on me for being a SAHM and enjoying cooking etc.

I don't feel I'm at any threat of actual violence from my husband. If not for any other reason than he knows I would tell people and his career would be over.

I'm just trying to get something to eat, but the baby is really restless and won't be put down. Hopefully he'll settle soon.

Ill try and order the main shop online later, but ill still have to go tomorrow as there's really not much at all in the house and I need baby wipes etc. I'm sure it'll be fine, but obviously its easier with the car.

I feel so crap that I'm obviously so worthless that anyone could treat me like this. I'd almost prefer it if I was BU I think. Sad

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/10/2013 19:13

You are not worthless OP. You are doing a great job looking after the DC. Try to get some rest tonight if you can.

Is there a friend or neighbour who could nip out and get you a few essentials tomorrow?

Don't worry about what PILs say or think. Any parents who would condone their son's absence from his wife and DC just after the birth of DC3 - let alone all the other things - are total dicks!

Sleepyhoglet · 25/10/2013 19:32

You don't need to leave him. I'm sure you can work things out. You need to sit down and have a long conversation. Perhaps tell him you have concerns and ask for a meeting. Tell him you will write things down beforehand that you want to discuss and he can also write down things he would like you two to work on to improve the marriage.

Obviously, this meeting will be hard for you because you are exhausted stressed and possibly depressed, but you need to try. Good luck.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 25/10/2013 20:44

You seriously think this relationship is worth fixing Sleepy?

OP you're not worthless at all. At very least you're raising three children and keeping them fed, warm, loved etc, and that's worth a hell of a lot to them.

BarbarianMum · 25/10/2013 20:53

I know this is a terrible time for you but honestly it sounds like you are well rid.

Now is the time to think about yourself and your kids and for you to decide what's going to happen. Then tell him (but be prepared for him not to like it cause it sounds like he's had a very cosy little set up until now).

Good luck.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/10/2013 22:07

I think Sleepy is right, we have one side of the story only and the OP obviously loves her husband as they have just bought another child into the world.

Backinthering · 25/10/2013 22:17

The one side of the story is certainly enough to convince me he's a useless prick.

knickernicker · 25/10/2013 22:27

Please please leave him. Can you put up with years and years of this? I feel so sad for you.

MikeReepySpooksard · 25/10/2013 22:39

What a totally shit bastard! I have no advice, but you seem to be doing everything I would do anyway - you can't carry on a relationship with someone that big of a git. Big hugs to you (sorry mumsnet)!

Original poster
Greenpanda · 26/10/2013 08:52

I don't think there's any way to sort things out. He's text me this morning but he's only interested in his Mother seeing the DC, not sorting things out. Obviously it's all my fault too. As usual. I suggested he stay at the house with his parents when I was cross because he'd done nothing to help, so it has nothing to do with the fact he just left while I was doing the school run with his things but not a word....

I'm so angry and upset. I'm in pieces quite frankly and exhausted. I have no family near, no friends I can ask for help or that I'd feel comfortable asking. I just need some proper sleep.

OP posts:
TheGhostofAmandaClarke · 26/10/2013 09:10

Greenpanda I'm so sorry. He is in the wrong. He should be supporting and comforting you right now. And he's being rubbish.
And I'm sorry your ILs are so shit.
Tbh. I would use those links for moneysavingexpert and women's aid, even if for advice. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.
on a practical note. Have you considered contacting Homestart? You can self refer to this volunteer organisation in many areas. Or you could ask your health visitor or children's centre about where you could get some emotional support/ somewhere to go with the dcs.
Brew