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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a selfish fuck?

85 replies

Greenpanda · 13/10/2013 20:51

I've got a week old baby and DH has today gone away for a week with work. He had asked me on Friday if I wanted him to cancel, but I suspect he knew I'd say no due to the potential implications for his career and because I know this work trip is somewhere he wants to go. Today he told me he could have cancelled without any negative affect on his career as it would just be counted as paternity leave, although obviously today was too late to cancel. I have no family nearby and will now be in my own all week with the baby, a toddler and a child with special needs.

This isn't the first time he's done this, last time he left less than 12 hours after I'd been discharged from hospital with a potentially life threatening condition. (reluctantly on the doctor's part, although I didn't discharge myself)

Then, I discover he's been buying things on EBay to do with his hobby and getting them sent to his work. I haven't had my hair coloured for 6 months to try and save money and when he asked what I wanted for my upcoming birthday I suggested if just get my hair done instead of a present. I'm pissed off because the cost of what he's bought/buying on eBay is easily the cost of a hair appointment. I never ask for nothing for my birthday, Mothers Day etc, but he always has an expensive list of wants.

I've been crying most of the afternoon and I'm worried this is going to tip me into PND. I've had it before and I suspect I had antenatal depression towards the end of my pregnancy. I don't really see what I can do other than leave him, he just doesn't take me seriously.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2013 21:31

I agree quoteunquote

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/10/2013 21:32

hand and foot

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 13/10/2013 21:33

He's left you with a one week old and 2 other children?

First off, fuck the housework. Order food in if you have to. Call on family and friends who if they are worth their salt will come and help you out. I was a hormonal sleep deprived mess in the weeks after birth. Call on any help that you can.

Secondly, your DH is a dick. He shouldn't have even asked you if it was OK, he should have just not gone, full stop. When he gets back, can you go to your mums with the baby and let him have his fun with the other two while you get a rest?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 13/10/2013 21:34

With everything on your plate just now, you're in no fit state to make his decisions for him, he should be responsible enough to make them for himself, and since this isn't your first child, surely he knows just how hard it is to manage a newborn, especially with older children too Confused
Are you anywhere near Hartlepool? I'll come round and totally goo and snuggle and adore and worship mind the baby while you nap/shower/gibber in the corner for a while if you are - or anything you need doing (that I can manage, I must point out I am a bit well, useless but I can snuggle babies Grin and offer moral support)

iwanttobelola · 13/10/2013 21:35

if you get the time and have the money available spend it on yourself and get your hair done , you deserve it ! you don't need to justify it to yourself or anyone... its sometimes random things like that , that make you feel feel sooo much better Smile

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2013 21:36

I don't think my last post was worded strongly enough. I kind of worded it as if it was your first child. He must know full well what he was chosing to do. V V selfish.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 13/10/2013 21:58

I wouldn't wait til he gets back to tell him what you think of him. Why should he get a week away chilling out in a hotel while you struggle at home? I would tell him that he's massively let you and his family down and that its made you reconsider what you all mean to him, that you're not sure you'll ever forgive him and most definitely will never forget how hard he has made this time for you.

Or whatever it is you feel.

Let him stew on it for the week.

BabylonReturns · 13/10/2013 22:05

YANBU. pls feel free to pm me your location and if I can help at all, I wll x

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 13/10/2013 22:13

When DH gets back make sure you book an hairdresser appointment, if you have the time this week go and get the patch test done and book it.

Bugger the housework do the bare essentials , I would be making sure DH picks up the slack when he gets home.

travailtotravel · 13/10/2013 22:26

Also - since you know he's ordered stuff off ebay, is there any way you can get in and change the password/unlink your account etc - that way he knows his ass is totally busted too.

Original poster
Greenpanda · 13/10/2013 22:51

He knows I know about the eBay stuff because he rang earlier. It's not the first time it's happened. He also only rang as he'd left something on the plane and wanted me to ring the airline about it. I said no.

I won't be able to contact him this week, which I think is a good thing.

Thanks for the replies because I was starting to think I was BU. this has helped me think more clearly. Thanks also for the very kind offers of help, it's overwhelming. Hopefully the week will go fast. The HV is coming tomorrow and I have things organised all week, although I can easily cancel if I don't feel up to it.

My in laws are staying in other accommodation we arranged for them. I did stand up for myself after their last visit when they were intolerably rude and DH did at least listen to me on that, so I suppose that's something at least.

OP posts:
FeckinNC · 13/10/2013 23:04

He has left you for a week and he is not contactable?

Darkesteyes · 14/10/2013 00:16

This man is a fucking arsehole. How are you suppossed to contact him if you or DC get ill.
And hes a selfish twonk with money If financially abusive seems to strong for me to describe this then its at least financially manipulative.

cartoad · 14/10/2013 00:40

Waimt a minute - not only as he put you in the position of pulling the plug on his trip with associated pressure and guilt when he should have had the love and consideration for you not to even think about going in the first place but he's also left you to deal with his parent's visiting when he isn't around and they have form for being very unreasonable?!?

Angry he is bvvvu!

loveblackcats · 14/10/2013 03:30

why are you with him again?

ElleBelly · 14/10/2013 06:05

Yanbu in any way at all. Am near peterborough if that's anywhere near you, be more than happy to help. It feels so overwhelming the first few months, I remember it well as my DP only took a day or two paternity leave as self employed.
First of all, fuck the housework, not important. You and the children are what matters. You need to rest and recover and treat yourself kindly. Talk to your HV if you're feeling shitty. Camp out in front of the telly all cuddled up on sofa, films, books,duvet etc. Nothing wrong with pyjama days either. Don't put pressure in yourself to manage everything, just look after yourselves and your DP can pick up when he gets back. Why are some men so fucking clueless! Congratulations on new baby, it will get easier soon x

iwantanafternoonnap · 14/10/2013 10:10

What a selfish arse! I had one of those and didn't even realise it at the time, one that spent money on himself during the week (was in Army and lived away during the week!) then pleaded poverty at weekends so that I paid for all food etc.

I scrimped and saved so he could go see his daughter as he said he didn't have any money to. I went without lots, never went out etc so we had money to spend on DS. He also arranged his stag do the weekend before we moved into new house leaving me to paint, including miss coat, 5 large rooms and ceilings by myself while looking after 7 month DS!!

Oh and went on work do's that suddenly I was not invited to. My inheritance went on paying his loans off and solicitors bills while his family slagged me off for saying we were so skint he couldn't see his daughter more as there really wasn't any money to do so.

He left me 3 weeks before DS was 2 while I was still suffering from PND and PTSD for the woman he'd been having an affair. This is when I found his bank statements showing he's been going out to restaurants, cinema, buying stuff etc. I also found that he was getting paid £500 more a month than he stated. I'd been a mug.

I am much better off now, much happier and I really didn't realise how much of a pleb he was and how much that affected my happiness.

Someone who puts their needs, hobbies before their family is never going to change and you will never be put first or even thought of.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/10/2013 10:17

I started reading thinking oh dear, newborn and H has gone away leaving OP on her own, baptism of fire but then I read on and you also have a toddler and a DC with SN. H is being massively unhelpful. Spell it out to him in future. The sad thing is I think he's beyond hope.

Original poster
Greenpanda · 14/10/2013 16:17

I'm so bloody angry with him. The baby has been quite unsettled today and its exhausting. I don't know if he can get Internet access but I've sent him a rather cross email. I really don't know if I can ever forgive him for doing this. Sad

I can't get hold of him personally, although if there was an emergency his work could contact him.

I'm not sure we can sort this out, but if I tell him its over then ill be juggling all the children all the time and that's not fair on them, as well as being difficult for me. My husband does do a lot to help when he is here.

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 14/10/2013 16:43

Why would you be juggling them all the time? He would have them a % of the time wouldn't he? Well perhaps not the baby for a while.

What did you say in your email?

cestlavielife · 14/10/2013 16:49

call a housecleaening agency get someone in to clean if you need to get it done
ditto ironing etc if it needs doing
order shopping online and order takeaways for you and dc.

call nanny agency and order an emergency nanny to help with the older dc.
make sure dh pays for all this [sell some of his hobby equipment to pay for it]

Original poster
Greenpanda · 14/10/2013 17:07

I suppose he would have them some of the time. I don't really want to end it, but I don't see how anything can change. His job always has and always will come first.

I didn't say that much in the email really, just that I could never forgive him for making this time so difficult for me and I wasn't sure our marriage can recover from it. Which is true.

I think ill manage this week. I've managed to tidy as I went along today and Hoover with the baby in the carrier. I've managed to make the DC pasta for dinner and will hopefully have them bathed and in bed for around 6. I even managed to get them to the park for half an hour.

I've got a friend coming round tomorrow, so some adult company at least. Once the older children are in bed I'm going to try and get a quick bath and then just relax and watch a film before bed.

One day down, five more to go...

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenpanda · 14/10/2013 17:08

cest selling his hobby equipment is very tempting, but its at his work.

OP posts:
Mojavewonderer · 14/10/2013 17:27

Yep he sounds like a selfish cunt to me. I would so ditch his ass.

Lottystar · 14/10/2013 17:43

YANBU

I really feel for you, I'd be close to pulling my hair out in that position, I honestly take my hat off to you. Put in the position you just get on with it but you really shouldn't have to. Your hubby is being an utter blinkered arse. He should not have even thought about going, he is entitled to paternity and I think he opts for the easy option, not being at home with a newborn, toddler and sn child.

Get as much help as you can this week.

I'd also be tempted to tell him that you don't want any visitors next week, you want time together to talk and bond with the new baby. You need to put yourself first atm, you're bound to feel utterly hormonal, let down and exhausted. Don't let others dictate anything or do what you think you should.

I have a hubby in the army and get left alone without family support quite a lot (we have moved 5 times in 3 years) as they are too far. I'm lucky as my Mum comes whenever she can to help with my baby & toddler. Obviously my hubby has little say in going away. I feel frustrated enough about that at times, let alone if he choose to go! You need to let him know clearly how you feel and the effect this has on you and the children.

Best of luck to you xxx