To think my husband is a selfish fuck?

[Greenpanda]

I've got a week old baby and DH has today gone away for a week with work. He had asked me on Friday if I wanted him to cancel, but I suspect he knew I'd say no due to the potential implications for his career and because I know this work trip is somewhere he wants to go. Today he told me he could have cancelled without any negative affect on his career as it would just be counted as paternity leave, although obviously today was too late to cancel. I have no family nearby and will now be in my own all week with the baby, a toddler and a child with special needs.

This isn't the first time he's done this, last time he left less than 12 hours after I'd been discharged from hospital with a potentially life threatening condition. (reluctantly on the doctor's part, although I didn't discharge myself)

Then, I discover he's been buying things on EBay to do with his hobby and getting them sent to his work. I haven't had my hair coloured for 6 months to try and save money and when he asked what I wanted for my upcoming birthday I suggested if just get my hair done instead of a present. I'm pissed off because the cost of what he's bought/buying on eBay is easily the cost of a hair appointment. I never ask for nothing for my birthday, Mothers Day etc, but he always has an expensive list of wants.

I've been crying most of the afternoon and I'm worried this is going to tip me into PND. I've had it before and I suspect I had antenatal depression towards the end of my pregnancy. I don't really see what I can do other than leave him, he just doesn't take me seriously.

I have just taken a cake out the oven.
I wonder where you are.
Obviously you might not want to say.
{{{greenpanda}}}

With the exception of abusive ( and I appreciate there are many forms of abuse) I do think a couple should attempt to work on their marriage. I do agree that he is taking the piss and being unreasonable but that doesn't mean he can't change. He too is probably finding 3 children difficult and stressful to manage. I doubt he wants to hurt or upset his wife, but we are all human. Of course, if communication repeatedly fails then separation should be considered, but the OP cannot think about that an option when she is so stressed and tired. She needs to make reasoned and practical decisions. These problems are rarely as simple as LTB.

Where are you based Greenpanda? Sure there are plenty of us who would pop over to make you a cuppa and cuddle your baby for an hour or two!

Your DH is an utter bellend. Stay strong - if you've gotten through life with all this shit in it then getting through life without it will almost certainly be easier once you've gotten past the emotional shock. X

Op is this out of character for him or has this been going on for a while and only now you can see the problems in your marriage.

I think what sleepy is saying is right, but only if both of you work hard in solving the problems.

Yanbu. At all. Twat

Please give us an approximate location. If you're near me i have a) a small freezer stash of bm b) and excellent local bf support group and c) sen experience plus current DBS check

sleepy I am all for working on a marriage, however in this situation the oh IS abusive. There are many forms of abuse and this is one.

the dp would also want to change, and it doesnt sound like he does. I really dont think your contribution to this thread are helping.

OP please tell us where you are and let us help you. Any one would be overwhelmed in your situation and we just want to help you. Many of us have been helped and want to pay it forward, please let us.

Just take a day at a time or even a part of a day, get though that then onto the next. You sound to me like you are doing brilliantly, you even got your kids to the park! You can cope and you will but don't exhaust yourself further by trying to work out the biggies such as separation right this moment.
Writing down what he has done wrong and how it has made you feel is a really good idea if you can find the time and energy but if you can't, then reread your posts here occasionally. His original decision to go away - especially somewhere where it was difficult to contact him - was selfish and unfair but his behaviour since has been far worse. However, it may be that he wakes up a bit once not under the pernicious influence of his parents who sound vile. When do they go home?

Where are you Greenpanda? If you're anywhere near Glasgow I'll be over with a cake and a cleaning cloth as soon as you like :)

You gave birth to this man's baby 7 days ago, he really should be bending over backwards to be kind and lovely.

Sleepy I'm right with you on the working on marriages but Cbeebies is right this is abusive. Its also pretty significant that he's doing this while the OP is at her most vulnerable and he has back up nearby in the form of his parents.

I feel for you so much greenpanda.

Try to enjoy your first weeks with your newborn, I know it must be difficult to do so at the moment.
Have you tried to explain to him how you feel using non-attacking language? (Not that I'm suggesting you've been attacking) but instead of things like 'I can't believe you left me' try 'I wish you hadn't left me' or 'I feel upset because you left me'. Maybe write it all down for him to read, preferably on an email (that can't be ripped up!)
Explain everything you've been feeling and why.
I'm not sure it will help your marriage or as others have said, whether it's worth helping, but whatever happens you need his support right now as the other parent and he needs to kiwi that you are tied and vulnerable and lonely and doing the lions share of the parenting.
I really hope you've been able to have visits from some other mnettrrs.

My 'attavking language' example is rubbish! I mean stuff like "you made me upset" sounds more attacking then "I feel upset when.."