To not want to be repeatedly bulldozed into receiving gifts I have already said nicely that I do not want

[DontMentionThePrunes]

The backstory to this is that my MIL will NEVER, EVER take no for an answer, even if for a very good reason. She does not give up, never mind if it's an important thing or a completely trivial thing, she won't accept no.

She is obsessed with tulip bulbs. Last month she rang to ask if I would like some pots of tulip bulbs which would sit in the garden and flower in spring. Ordinarily I would say yes, thank you; but we are moving soon with luck, and so this year I would like one less thing to bother about etc. (Also, I just don't really care for them, and we have talked about that before. It's just a question of taste really. I haven't been rude about it but I have said I really don't love bulbs.)

So when she asked, I explained clearly that I didn't want extra pots in the garden this year because of the move.

DS visited her today and was not supposed to tell me but has spent the afternoon potting tulip bulbs as a present from him to me.

Before you answer, please consider that this has happened again, again, again, over and over: I say 'no thanks because X' and I find she has gone behind my back to make sure my response is disregarded. Also, even if you like tulips, that's not the point

AIBU to feel completely undermined, furious at not being allowed to say a polite 'no thank you, for X very good and clear reason' and doubly furious that she is using my son as a way around my very reasonable refusal?

Oh god she sounds like mine - and people don't get it (esp DH) - they just say "put the things away in a cupboard she's only trying to be nice". BUT SHE'S NOT - it's a bloody control thing! I don't want tat that she gives me - or the kids - especially the kids. DH was really anxious that he'd lost a gift she gave us and wanted to put it back on display when she visited - I think I binned it (ha ha!) - she didn't ask or mention....

That's ok LittlePeaPod, think of it as joining a support group

Sadly no further developments. We've had trouble with someone scoping out front gardens and thieving from them. I may leave the pots right at the gate and see what happens

Thanks Op. Why don't you wrap them in ribbon with a little note to the thief saying take at your please? Ha ha ha

Tht shoud be peasure notplease

Tell her you can't have the tulips, because you're planting croci. Much smaller leaves. Don't make an unsightly mess. Or at least not one that isn't covered over by some other plants.

She may actually hear you if you say that. This is the nice option if you really can't risk the brutally honest option.

As such there are downsides to my suggestion. Your choice! I'm sorry she's not respecting that.

Dwarf daffodils?

I honestly think she would wet her pants in excitement if I started planting dwarf daffodils. Tete-a-tetes? I often get a bowl of those for the table which dry out almost instantly and die, unmourned.

I do sound really ungrateful at that. It's lovely to be given beautiful things. It's just...I don;t really want them! The house is chocka.

Leave them at the front with a sign 'free to a good home'. They'll be snaffled in no time at all!!!

I planted some jonquils earlier this year and then sowed some annuals over the top, which came up as the leaves were dying around. Course, it remains to be seen if I will get flowers next year!

Tell her you're plantimg dwarf daffodils, while filming her. Then, if she wets her pants, promptly tell her that you've reconsidered, but that you'll put the footage on youtube if you see or hear of tulips again!

No? Too nuclear?

But you see, tulips should be in pots, because once they have flowered you can put them away out of sight and tadaa! no unsightly leaves

If you are looking for tasteless houseplants, how about a set of those hideously neon azaleas that are always sold around Christmas. Make sure you buy orange, red and pink so they clash really well with the poinsettias. In fact, a lovely big Christmassy basket of them arranged with spiderplants and those really garish variagated ficus or ivies; a special present from DS?
To add to the list:
Cheap chocolate
Cheap candles/roomscent in peach or vanilla, or 'Christmas pot-pourri'
Boak.

Or if you love holes and stringy bits so much and think these are valuable qualities for a towel, why not keep them for yourself?

I am sniggering at this.

My grandmother used to do this. It is a control thing. In my grandmother's case, it was about trying to force her granddaughters to keep house the way she considered appropriate. So she kept buying people things like hob covers. Who the hell uses hob covers? And why? And towels ought to be pink, so lots of pink towels were handed round. And pedestal mats for the loo in that shaggy twist pile that makes your feet feel funny when you stagger over it in the middle of the night. And mantel clocks. And jam spoons. And on and on and on. Some of it I liked and kept. Some I didn't.

The key is to feel no guilt about dumping anything you don't like or need. Be absolutely ruthless.

has anyone else got tulip adverts down the side of their screen reading this thread?

I caught myself feeling very mellow about this today, which is good...but also...I must not be weak....

From what I know of her, she isn't sitting there scheming and plotting ways to bring me down. She's just entirely, and perfectly self absorbed, and doesn't hear what doesn't fit with her world view.

But I have to remember that quite often it's me who doesn't fit in with whatever tableau she has created, and she likes to make sure I am not around in subtle ways. I've had enough of her, overall, so, you know, fuck the tulips.

Oh God, I sooo empathise. My MIL is exactly the same. About everything, not just gifts. It is massively controlling behaviour and does my head in. When she's over at my house it's like...

MIL: Do you need any help with dinner?
Me: No, I think I have it under control
MIL: bustles into kitchen Shall I put the cauliflower in the microwave?
Me: No, it'll go soggy - it'll be fine in the oven.
MIL: (going through fridge) I'll just throw this out for you
Me: I'd rather you didn't - I need it!
MIL: puts it in bin I really think that cauli will be better in the microwave
Me: Honestly, I've made this loads of times before, it's fine.
MIL: If you say so dear. Do you always walk around the kitchen in socks? What if a knife falls off the counter?
Me: Even if I were wearing slippers, they don't have steel toecaps!
Microwave: PING
Me: What's that?
MIL: the cauliflower.
Me: It wasn't supposed to go in the microwave!
MIL: That sauce isn't thick enough. What recipe are you using? It doesn't look like the one I sent you.
Me: It's one I found online. It takes some time, but it tastes great
MIL: I wouldn't bother with that. My sauce is much simpler and I'm sure tastes better.
Me: (through gritted teeth) Please go and sit down, and let me bring you a drink. You must be tired
MIL: I already poured us all one.

etc. etc. etc.

OP how about some of those wildflower grenades put to good use . Drive over in the middle of the night and ambush her garden. Won't solve the problem of the unwanted presents but will be enormously satisfying.

Oh, mother in law you are obscene
With hide of leather and fingers green
Your raison d'être, it would seem
Is to see how long and loud I'll scream
When once again you barge right in
All steel of eye and fixed of grin
With yet another pair of pots
To add to the already lots
Cluttering up my little lawn
My son's a horticultural pawn
Planting bulbs from dusk to dawn
Mother in law, now feel my scorn
Those fucking tulips make me sick
I am not Dutch, you dozy prick
Get your pots out of my sight
Or I'll kick your fanny with all my might
One more gift of something brown
I'll burn your bastard bungalow down
I'll bury you in your flower bed
Do you understand what I've just said?
Let me make it crystal clear
Any further presents, dear,
I'll stick your trowel in your ear

I have your MIL exactly except that its not plants but second hand books . No matter how many times I say we don't have room for any more they turn up relentlessly .

Someone upthread mentioned that one possible reason that MIL's do this is because they don't know us as people. Because our other halves never talk about us and who we are as people.

I can take this one stage further. I'd been with DH for 2 years before he even thought to mention to his folks that he had a girlfriend. Now, his parents live overseas so it wasn't as though he was popping home every weekend and keeping me a secret, but still. 2 YEARS before they knew I existed. And how did they know? We planned a visit back to see them as he'd not been home for three years. He did all the arranging with his folks (as you'd expect). He threw into conversation a month before, when they called to talk to him about picking him up at the airport etc, "Oh, by the way, I'm bringing Baby with me." That was it. The lot. They had no idea who I was - they assumed I was the girlfriend but they had no idea really. Similarly, knowing I was about to spend a month with people I didn't know, I asked him about them (I'd have asked a lot more if I'd known how little they knew about me!). He said "They're, like, normal, really. Just parents. Sisters, well, one's blonde, one's dark and one's short. What else do you need to know?"

Not strictly relevant to the thread but it does explain why, when we go to stay, MIL cuts DH out of the equation altogether and asks me what we need/want!

My MIL recently gave us a baby blanket embroidered with the head of a yorkshire terrier. No body, just a decapitated head picked out in silver thread

at horticultural pawn and I'll burn your bastard bungalow down

I've just spat my coke all over the keyboard thanks to HangingGarden - love it!!

Really, this is such a nasty control thing and so absolutely bloody rude, dressed up in a veneer of so-called generosity which is actually no such thing. It's all about - as Eldritch said - imposing their taste and their ideas about how things should be done upon others - in effect, saying that your taste and your way of doing things is crap and wrong.

I buy my mum hideous ornaments - but that's because she likes them! I know if I bought her something I'd like for my house she'd feel disappointed because my taste is very different - and IMO, it would be incredibly thoughtless and pointless to get her something I KNOW she wouldn't like. I think maybe that a few of the parents/ILs described previously are perhaps more guilty of being thoughtless rather than out and out controlling, but all those who continue to foist assorted crap upon people regardless of having had it made clear a hundred times over that whatever-it-is isn't wanted, can't be fitted in, isn't something you'd ever use etc etc etc are most definitely controlling twats - more so when they drag kids into it to do their dirty work for them by presenting mummy with something they've had a hand in making/buying.

BTW - my local Tesco are selling huge rubber plants this week at £10 a pop I think. I mean, they're probably getting on for 4.5 to 5 foot already (so actually a bargain if you like that sort of thing) so it may be worth checking your local branch out. Just imagine how lovely such a plant would look if placed in a "Christmas" pot which DS had lovingly decorated with cheap tinsel and "snow" (cotton wool), and, for added festive cheer you could also drape it with lametta and homemade baubles (think cut up egg boxes and painted yoghurt pots) and paper chains.

From Mil I've got a giant orange viscount type vase , a stone owl , and several hundred baby pictures of Dh that are in slightly manky tackey plastic albums ,too big for bookcases,that are stinking of mildew as they were kept in the attic for 30+ years .

Gosh , it's just what I've always wanted .

I also think she suspects Dh doesn't get fed , that neither of us is capable of making a hot meal . She sends down boxes of frozen soup . Homemade , but always the same , lentil and bacon , with Too much salt in it. Always in single portions of frozen soup. Poor Dh he's clearly wasting away , being 3 stone overweight . Never mind , it will soon be time for the annual " tin of biscuits " Xmas gift . .

She , once also acquired from her elderly aunt, a round pine dining table with matching chairs and insisted we use it ... ( I'm an interior designer FFs) , we then just had our house fitted with oak floors and furniture , so it looked shit . Took 18 months ,and an accident with a bottle of acetone nail polish remover to get rid of the monstrosity.

Prunes, accept the tulips from MIL. Then a few days later (after gifting to a local nursing home/hospice/wherever you explain to her that you found they had Stem and Bulb Eelworm, which meant that sadly the bulbs, compost and pots had to be destroyed. You can safeguard your garden from being overtaken by bulbs by saying that the soil has this pest and you must not plant any bulbs in it for at least three years! (Or they will be infested and die.) Perhaps save this one for the new garden, I'm not making it up, they are a genuine pest should she decide to find out for herself.

I think that MIL quite enjoys enforcing her will upon you, and will be infuriated if you fail to respond in the way she expects. Let her keep on buying you stuff and simply find it another home where it will be appreciated.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to have the antique furniture valued. It may not even be original i.e a good reproduction, in which case if it's not worth much you might want to consider whether the storage fees are worth it and send it to auction. If it is valuable you will have to consider more carefully, but leaving it in storage might be a risk. You could make murmurings about inadequate insurance if anything happens to it in storage, but you mustn't do anything with it without making sure MIL knows about it. If she is desperate to hang on to it she can fork out the storage fees which will impact on her tulip buying budget (you hope!)

lol at HangingGardenBabbysBum (I haven't got your name right I am sure)
Pam Ayres lives! Brilliant and gave me a good laugh.

I've calmed down a lot since I said I was going to have a sarcastic tattoo
But am still in the zone as it's half term here and two weeks ago she promised to spend time with ds: guess what eh? Silence.

Everything's for show. It's so sad. When she's being genuine (she can, I think) she's actually very warm and nice. Shame she can't seem to do anything these days without it all being a facade for something else. I'm sure she speaks equally highly of me too.