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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be repeatedly bulldozed into receiving gifts I have already said nicely that I do not want

162 replies

DontMentionThePrunes · 13/10/2013 18:22

The backstory to this is that my MIL will NEVER, EVER take no for an answer, even if for a very good reason. She does not give up, never mind if it's an important thing or a completely trivial thing, she won't accept no.

She is obsessed with tulip bulbs. Last month she rang to ask if I would like some pots of tulip bulbs which would sit in the garden and flower in spring. Ordinarily I would say yes, thank you; but we are moving soon with luck, and so this year I would like one less thing to bother about etc. (Also, I just don't really care for them, and we have talked about that before. It's just a question of taste really. I haven't been rude about it but I have said I really don't love bulbs.)

So when she asked, I explained clearly that I didn't want extra pots in the garden this year because of the move.

DS visited her today and was not supposed to tell me but has spent the afternoon potting tulip bulbs as a present from him to me.

Before you answer, please consider that this has happened again, again, again, over and over: I say 'no thanks because X' and I find she has gone behind my back to make sure my response is disregarded. Also, even if you like tulips, that's not the point Grin

AIBU to feel completely undermined, furious at not being allowed to say a polite 'no thank you, for X very good and clear reason' and doubly furious that she is using my son as a way around my very reasonable refusal?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 13/10/2013 20:43

It's annoying. But she isn't going to change and it's hardly worth the effort. Just say hope you don't mind if I pass these on to such a person. They love tulip bulbs. But the bulbs aren't such a bad thing. It's other hideous stuff that nobody would want not even a charity shop.

BuntyPenfold · 13/10/2013 20:43

If your ds would be hurt then you are stuck with the tulips. On the other hand you have a lovely caring ds.

How about teaching him to play .grandma, we love you, there's no one quite like grandma. Etc on the vuvuzela? And keep the vuvuzela at her house so he can play it every time he visits :)

DontmindifIdo · 13/10/2013 20:45

when's your birthday? There's time for him to forget. Get him to get you something else. the tulips can be sidelined...

littlecloud · 13/10/2013 20:46

Oh god this would drive me bonkers.

Shall we help you construct a potted tulip poem/song?

Original poster
DontMentionThePrunes · 13/10/2013 21:20

A poem? A song? Why yes!

I am so glad IANBU, dh tends to think it's far better to just let her do these things and forget about it and not be mean. (But then she has groomed him to think this.)

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 13/10/2013 21:38

Can't you divert her onto diamonds? Or even, expensive chocolate ?

Lovecat · 13/10/2013 22:00

Think yourself lucky it's tulips, Dontmention At least they can live outside the house.

I get given pink and peach satin quilted lace-edged tissue box covers from MIL, who appears to buy them in bulk on her trips to the market. And matching loo roll covers. And something for the loo brush too in a matching style. AND she then tells me what a bargain they were.

Our bathroom is white and chrome with a touch of dark blue so you can imagine how well these offerings fit in... Thankfully DH is her stepson so does not have that emotional tug when I bin them 5 minutes after she has left the house :o

Original poster
DontMentionThePrunes · 13/10/2013 22:01

She thinks both are tacky. Particularly chocolate.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontMentionThePrunes · 13/10/2013 22:03

Hehe lovecat, it's incomprehensible isn't it?
As DH says, this sort of shit only gets worse as they get older.

OP posts:
Alexandrite · 13/10/2013 22:07

Could you get your son to plant up a gunnera for grandma

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/theweekinpictures/8841899/The-week-in-pictures-21-October-2011.html?image=3

thebody · 13/10/2013 22:15

this thread is so funny Grin

Curioustiger · 13/10/2013 22:16

I am in the same boat OP. I used to be deluged with presents I did not want. Think 35 pairs of tights for my dd at Christmas (my dd was 2 at the time and has the standard number of legs), amongst many other presents. Our tiny house was heaving. I now receive them by saying 'why did you buy me this when I said I didn't want any more?' (Straight face, no smile). Tbh my MIL still persists but the volume has reduced and I don't feel like such a bloody pushover.

DaleyBump · 13/10/2013 22:22

I hate this. I'm currently the proud owner of 8 bottles of brown sauce (we don't eat brown sauce), 4 jars of coffee (we don't drink coffee), 12 packs of blister plasters (none of us have blisters) and 4 packs of foot felt Hmm because my gran just doesn't seem to understand "no thank you".

Original poster
DontMentionThePrunes · 13/10/2013 22:23

Sadly she is well aware of what Gunnera can do Grin
What would really upset her is something suburban like an umbrella plant.

OP posts:
MrsBonkers · 13/10/2013 22:24

Can DS take them to school so the class can see them everyday???
Give her the pots back and say you re-planted them in the garden?
Leave them at the front of your house and hope someone steals them?
Claim they've been stolen?
Donate them to an old peoples home?

I understand. My MIL buys me clothing and costume jewellery. I feel so ungrateful when I try to convince DH to talk to her about it.
I have so much stuff that I need to Ebay!

CerealMom · 13/10/2013 22:28

Spider plant, aspidistra and mother-in-law's tongue. All 'loverly' house plants.

JumpOnIt · 13/10/2013 22:30

This is such a MIL thing to do!!! Why?! Mine drives me up the wall. She gives me things for the garden so she can make snarky remarks when I kill said plant.

Seriously OP, when it's her birthday tell her that DS loved potting them with her so much, you thought she would like them back for all of the lovely memories. She won't be able to say no because they are from your DS. She would be highly unreasonable if she refused a present from a child. :)

AllThatGlistens · 13/10/2013 22:31

Dontmention I'm sorry I have nothing remotely helpful to add but your quote "She is the Japanese knotweed of my life" made me howl! Grin

ZenNudist · 13/10/2013 22:32

Yabu to be furious.

Yanbu to leave the tulips behind when you move. Tell ds it will be a lovely housewarming gift for the new owners Smile

Your dmil sounds like she has thick skin, should be able to cope with odd looks & less than effusive thanks.

Zazzles007 · 13/10/2013 22:35

I have a mother like this, simply doesn't listen and won't take no for an answer. When I visit, she will pack up a bunch of things for me to take home, some of which she has asked me if I would like, and I have said no. She won't listen, and can't change, so I have simply taken to unpacking the things I don't want, and taken the few things I do want back with me. Of course none of the things she gives me will ever make up for the lack of love I have experienced from her over my lifetime Sad.

If those tulips turn up, I simply would not allow them to come into the garden, pack them straight back into the car, and dump them on her doorstep. Then go MIA for a while shortly after so you don't have to hear MIL's ranting Grin.

Original poster
DontMentionThePrunes · 13/10/2013 22:35

DaleyBump we have a fridge full of jars of various jellies. Crab apple, rowan, apple and mint etc.

I have asked her repeatedly to stop buying or passing on jars of this sort of thing because we don't use them and don't really like them. For some reason she cannot take this in, or refuses to take it in. I've raised the issue with dh and he thinks I'm overreacting (not sure how because it's taken about five years to get to this point).

She came round the other day with more jars and I accepted one and refused - politely! - another and this did not go down well at all.

I am forty years old and getting disapproval because someone who I've asked more than once not to give me a particular thing keeps giving it to me, I have no room for it and I have politely refused. It's absolutely intolerable.

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 13/10/2013 22:37

You could get DS to buy her some chickens for Christmas. A noisy cockerel in particular. :-)

cocoleBOO · 13/10/2013 22:38

I would like MIL to buy me tulips Envy
I get verruca sock (singular) and deodorant from my MIL Hmm.

Idespair · 13/10/2013 22:39

Include them in the fixtures and fittings list when you sell your house. No need to take them with you! If she questions where they are when you get your new house, remind her that you said you couldn't move any extra pots!

Your mil sounds overbearing. Can your h not reason with his own mother?

EmpressOfThe7WillowsandTaras · 13/10/2013 22:41

Thank you, thank you, thank you
For the lovely tulip pots
They've made me oh so happy
I love them lots, lots, lots
I want to show my gratitude
In ways that mere words can't
So dearest MIL, I'm giving you
This super umbrella plant.

Love

Prunes