To not want to be repeatedly bulldozed into receiving gifts I have already said nicely that I do not want

[DontMentionThePrunes]

The backstory to this is that my MIL will NEVER, EVER take no for an answer, even if for a very good reason. She does not give up, never mind if it's an important thing or a completely trivial thing, she won't accept no.

She is obsessed with tulip bulbs. Last month she rang to ask if I would like some pots of tulip bulbs which would sit in the garden and flower in spring. Ordinarily I would say yes, thank you; but we are moving soon with luck, and so this year I would like one less thing to bother about etc. (Also, I just don't really care for them, and we have talked about that before. It's just a question of taste really. I haven't been rude about it but I have said I really don't love bulbs.)

So when she asked, I explained clearly that I didn't want extra pots in the garden this year because of the move.

DS visited her today and was not supposed to tell me but has spent the afternoon potting tulip bulbs as a present from him to me.

Before you answer, please consider that this has happened again, again, again, over and over: I say 'no thanks because X' and I find she has gone behind my back to make sure my response is disregarded. Also, even if you like tulips, that's not the point

AIBU to feel completely undermined, furious at not being allowed to say a polite 'no thank you, for X very good and clear reason' and doubly furious that she is using my son as a way around my very reasonable refusal?

[pleasethanks]

Oh I have every sympathy OP, some of this sounds very similar to how my MIL behaves. I am fed up with my house getting filled up with crap she has bought for DD (at jumble sales, which I have no issue with, but she tends to go for quantity over quality). And I swear she has been collecting toys at jumble sales since the moment she found out I was preggo and her attic is full of enough toys for all various stages until DD is 16. It gets to the stage I cannot buy anything for DD as MIL buys so bloody much. Or when I do buy her something she says (in a put out way) 'Oh, I have that for DD up in the loft'. Oh piss away MIL.

But will NOT listen to me saying 'no more' etc etc etc. Yes, you can pass it all on charity shops etc. But why should you have to do that, it is another chore for you to do. You have already said you don't want it.

Also, she will say 'oh I have seen cycle helmets for a good price in Lidl, would you like some for christmas'. I say 'no thanks ,we don't have bikes". And then we get them for christmas anyway. It is just patronising isn't it. It isn't just about the tulips, it her not listening to you and respecting you point of view.

Anyway, I digress, apologies....

Is there anything (such as the house plant) that you know she won't like? You should mention to her you have seen X and would she like it (perhaps to thank her for something?)? She will hopefully say no. You buy it and get DS to give it to her. See how she likes that! What do you think her reaction would be if you did that? Would be say 'dontmentiontheprunes I said I didn't want it". If so, that opens up a opportunity for you to say she does that to you all the time.

[tobiasfunke]

I have had my own MIL Tulipgate. She came and planted 100 tulip bulbs in a large rockery in our new house that was so overgrown with groundelder that we had planned to weedkill the whole lot for 2 years and then start again. I had explained all this and said no thanks but she did it anyway when we were away. Then she wailed to DH that she'd spent a fortune and if I weedkilled I would kill them so I had to spend 6 months weeding the bloody bed . Every so often I happen upon some of the bulbs and like to smash them with a spade. They weren't even nice tulips.

[claudedebussy]

i think i'd go round in the middle of the night, return all the pots and plant a whole lot of dahlias all over her garden. then deny all knowledge.

you'd lose a night's sleep but it would be soooo worth it.

[Squeakygate]

Next time you see her try and offload some of your old stuff onto her.

[comewinewithmoi]

Do we share a mil?

[DontMentionThePrunes]

So there are lots of MILs like this?! Good grief, no wonder we are all slightly falling apart at the seams (or is that just me?!).

I think if she came and planted anything in my garden I might lose the plot. We once had a house near her to which she had the key (we didn't live in it but were organising to rent it out). She arranged for an agent to come round and assess it for holiday rental potential then very publicly presented me with all the financial details with a ribbon around them. I told her in public that she had overstepped the mark — I mean that was my house and she just wanted to know what it was worth! — and she told me very clearly in a deep, quiet voice and with a steely stare to watch what I said to her because 'we would need her in future'.

So it is all about control and asserting her position over me. I think I've done well not to let her do this, by and large, but I can't stop this sort of thing and it bloody annoys me!

[DontMentionThePrunes]

And of course it's all complicated by the fact that when we started out she gave us a whole load of really nice antique furniture: all things she didn't really want but nevertheless. It is such a massive help when you get your first flat to have free furniture, not to be underestimated. I really do appreciate it, and they have helped us move, helped us redo the garden etc. She isn't all mean.

Over the years we have run out of space for the furniture and can't sell it because it's dh's grandmother's family's stuff, and MIL won't take it back. So it's now in storage and costing us money every month. Aaargh.

[LilyAmaryllis]

It IS about control. And the psychology of stuff. My DM kept all our childhood toys for 30 years to pass on to my children (and my DBs, if he has children). She also buys lots and lots from charity shops/jumble sales like someone else said upthread. So. She passes on the toys. Some of them break very quickly because 30-year old plastic has slightly perished/weakened. It really has steeled me to get unsentimental about toys. If my kids are no longer playing with them they should be passed on or charity-shopped so that someone else can make use of them while they are still unbroken.

The unbroken stuff - I feel I have to ask her permission before I dispose of them! (For some she has actually specified this as she would save them again for my brother!) Control control control.

So the antique furniture - no-one wants it or needs it! What is the psychology of keeping it? Someone else - unrelated to you!! - should be making use of that furniture while it is still usable. The perfect response to tulipgate is sitting right there; you are going to stop spending money storing it and sell it. (or - MIL can start paying the storage bill?)

Aaaahhahhaghhhh. Its taken years for me to persuade my DM that I am not EVER going to be living in a house that is bigger than hers. (She says, "I'm keeping this for when you have your own house, ie space) ie hoarding by proxy for sure. We are finally buying a house. Smaller than the house we currently rent, which isn't large.

[cartoad]

Can you get ds to pot up some Japanese knotweed and present it to her to have in her garden? [evil cackle]

Or make sure that you go to her house to be given the tulips, preferably indoors in her sitting room. Then you can be holding them, trip over spectacularly as you are about to leave having made sure that you have loosened the soil in advance so it's not all packed in tightly and all the soil, tulips and broken pots can fly through the air to make an almighty mess... Which you can leave behind for her. [more evil cackling]

Or take a packet of cress seeds with you and sow them into your mil's carpet/curtains/car...

Or weed killer to spell out no tulips on her lawn?

. (and if you're anything like me, wish that you had the guts to carry out at least one of them!)

I'd also have a word with dh and even mil herself to say that you are concerned about her as although you have told her several times that you dont want potted tulips or any potted anything, she hasn't remembered and has still gone ahead regardless. Is there a fil that you can express your concerns to - highlight that it's just not normal to repeatedly insist on doing something even when you've been asked - with very good reason - not to. And that whilst you and dh can overlook this worrying symptom of forgetfulness, now that mil has started to involve ds in her plans, and therefore knowingly cause distress to her grandson when you have to point out again that there is a good reason That you don't want the pots and thus hurt him in the process.

Can you also have a chat with ds so he understands the real situation and how granny is using him?

I'd also insist on the pots, if you do have to have them, staying at granny's at least until you have moved, so she doesn't have the satisfaction of you having to have them when she wants.

Good luck!

[Alexandrite]

Yes I agree it is about control. My parents have displayed this in other ways too, eg. When my dh and I bought our house, they drove over (before we had moved in) and knocked on the neighbours' doors to ask them questions. We were in our 30s and my parents hadn't contributed financially in any way, which would make it more understandable. My mum also used to read my letters and listen in on phone conversations from the other extension. A lot of it is boredom as well as control.

[RigglinJigglin]

This is my MIL and hanging baskets.... In our first home (first floor, rented flat) she gifted us a hanging basket. That we couldn't put up anywhere. We left it on the windowsill, where she could see it and it died. we hoped she'd take the point.

When we bought a house we had hanging baskets of fuschias given to us for years, and years. We have about 50 empty hanging baskets in the garage.

This year I though of a cunning plan to do my own hanging baskets and show her - 'oh MIL we've done our own baskets this year, no need to buy us any!'.

She bought us hanging baskets cos mine weren't nice enough (and didn't contain fuschias).

DH hates them, always hits his head on them - then all I hear in the garden is 'frigging bastard baskets'!

[DontmindifIdo]

OK OP, that furniture needs to go - first things first, next time you see her tell her you are never going to use it again and have decided to stop paying for the storage, so give her a clear choice, does she a) want it back or b) shall you sell it? If she suggests an option c) of you keep it and use it, repeat like a broken record "no MIL, we're never going to use it, and so something needs to be done with it, either you take it back or we'll sell it or see if we can find anyone else who wants it. I'm not going to keep paying for storage, it's such a silly waste of money and is just delaying the decision being made about what to do with stuff we have no use for." Then if she says again about it being useful for you in the future say "ok well if you don't want it, I'll get rid then, really just wanted to give you first refusal." OR "OK, I'll arrange to have it delivered to you next week then." Basically, insist on only hearing one of the two choices you've given her and spell out she doesn't get to decide what the options are.

It's tough because it feels rude, but she's being rude to you. You can then tell your DH that his mum has either A) agreed for you to sell it so that's what you're doing or B) has agreed to take it back, so you're arranging for it to be taken to her house (what she does with it next is her problem).

Honestly, this is so much bigger than tulips!!!!

[comewinewithmoi]

Oh no you're not the only one. My mil is a control freak. It does and has driven me nuts at times. She is now doing it to my nearly 12 year old, I vehemently defend her corner and tell her straight what mil is like.

[comewinewithmoi]

I have just got over a nasty illness which could raise its head at anytime. I have been on loads of tablets, been feeling quite odd coming off them and a bit fragile. This co-incided with mil visiting for the weekend.

Pil pulled my sofa out to clean under it, I was on the edge I can tell you.

[comewinewithmoi]

Mil gave dd1 some money to buy clothes. All kind and lovley. However, she wanted to go round the shops bullying Helping dd. I advised dd to decline.

[badbride]

She'd the Japanese Knotweed of my life.

Have you tried covering her with root barrier membrane and burying her under at least 5 metres of topsoil, Don'tMentionThePrunes?

Gets rid of the problem, apparently. And creates a new garden landscape you could plant with something nice, like, I dunno, tulips or something

[Curioustiger]

It is totally about control. I get on OK with my MIL, this issue aside, but I truly believe if she had her way we would all pay over all salary to her each month so that she could select appropriate clothes for DD (and DH... which would heavily feature brown polonecks), all our furniture (we spend too much), all our food (we don't spend enough and should be buying M&S ready meals as they are 'the best'), and toiletries, cleaning stuff etc, as she's a neat freak. Then she would dole out pocket money (carefully allocated by perceived need ie loads for DH as he is the man of the house, not much for me as I would fritter it away on non-approved clothes etc).

I just read that back in case I was too harsh, but no, I genuinely believe she would both love that situation and truly see it as being in our best interests.

[oscarwilde]

Have you tried sitting her down with a very concerned expression on your face and asking "How are you feeling? Are you quite well.....?" in tones of grave seriousness. When she says "I'm fine, why?" in a concerned tone you need to say the following:

"DH and I have noticed that you have had some "episodes" of forgetfullness [cite tulips and other areas where your wishes have been clearly outlined and ignored] recently and we are getting a bit concerned.
We were wondering if you have noticed and while we know it is a difficult subject to raise, we thought perhaps we should raise it with you now. Perhaps your GP could run some tests just to make sure that all is ok with your memory" tests for rude women being non-existent

It's quite evil but with any luck she will be so horrified at the thought that you're all worried that she is developing alzheimers/dementia, she'll back off and listen a bit more.....

[shewhowines]

Just say no and if she persists just give it away immediately. If she moans just remind her that she already knew you didn't want it.

Let the tulips stand, your sons sake this time but next time you say no, then tell ds and tell him to refuse it if dmil gives it to him, for you.

She's doing it because you are letting her.

[becsbornunderadancingstar]

I used to think it was about control with my MIL but over the years I've come to a more sympathetic understanding.

I don't know if this is the same with yours, OP, she does sound more extreme than my MIL. But with mine I realised that her problem was that she found it hard to understand that her lovely son had married someone who had absolutely nothing in common with her. So she wants to see something, like it, give it to me, and then me to like it so that she can believe that he's chosen someone who is at least the same species as her, rather than the exact opposite of her in every way.

DH and I finally understood this one Christmas when DH put his foot down and said 'mum, you have to buy Becstar THIS for Christmas, and NOTHING ELSE' and she said 'But I can't just buy her that! It's not a nice present! I'll get it for her, but can't I just get her a few nice things as well?'. (The 'nice' things being, naturally, either godawful tat that we have no room for or a food that I'm violently allergic to, but which is MILs favourite - etc, etc.). So I've started to see it as a search for common ground, and I love her dearly despite us being exact opposites, so I try to see every misplaced kindness in that light.

[Chelvis]

21 size 1-2 year coats for toddler DD, all from MIL. She literally fills bin bags full of clothes for her, despite repeated requests to stop. She sneaks them into the car when we're not looking. She has even started to give us these bags of clothes as Christmas presents.

90% goes straight to the charity shop now without even opening it. HER charity shop, where she volunteers. She hasn't mentioned it yet, but I hope she has seen them and realised that she is throwing her money away. I can't work out how else to make her understand because 'STOP GIVING US BAGS OF CLOTHES WE DON'T WANT' doesn't seem to be getting through.

[DontMentionThePrunes]

becs...yes, I think you might be close to the truth in this case. (The warning not to mess with her as we will apparently need her in future, mentioned earlier: no, that was unpleasant and clear and I keep it in mind.)

She loves the fecking things. She wants me to love them. I actually feel fairly neutral about tulips but I dislike bulbs in my garden, just because they take weeks and weeks of looking awful and withering slimily before you can get rid of the leaves. I've explained this. I once house-sat for two years and the owners had a large garden full of bulbs. It was nice for a week, then rancid for two months, then I spend days and days on my hands and knees plucking out the slimy foliage, with a maniacal toddler trying to impale himself on the gardening equipment: I am DONE with that shit.

And still, every year I have this conversation with her about why I don't plant bulbs in my teeny tiny garden. It is mine and it's my prerogative AND it's just not a big deal. Except she wants me to love the things she loves. She cannot let go of the idea that I'd love these tulips if I had them so she has worked at it and this year, she's going via ds. I still hold in the back of my mind the picture of the look she gave me when telling me to watch what I say to her: THAT is her nasty side, this is actually her nicer side, but they are both down to her being a total fucking control freak.

I don't know that I "allow" this to continue: short of being very unpleasant, it is harder than you think to pull someone up on what they think of/or what they are presenting as kindness if they just won't stop. If you say no, then you say it again, then again, then someone tries it on via another route and you're a bit blindsided, often the only thing left to you is the sort of firmness that is actually unpleasantness by another name. Not that I don't do it: I have done it. As you can see, it hasn't worked in getting her to back the fuck down. So I can ramp things up a notch with proper confrontation but actually that will burn a bridge which will impact on DH and DS.

[DontMentionThePrunes]

Actually what I hate more than anything about this is that I don't get the chance to be a nice person with her. I am always at the limit of what I find tolerable, and frequently over it. We can never have an exchange where we come to some mutually agreeable conclusion and get on with enjoying things. Everything is this fraught. I would love that sort of easiness. This forcing me and forcing me over and over to do things I don't want to do is one of the things that has made me retreat more and more, but tbh it is not making me any happier or healthier.

[DontMentionThePrunes]

PS lol at badbride's suggestion of murder

And thanks everyone for the ideas and joint indignation. It has cheered me up immensely.

[Howsuper]

Pissing myself at the book ends!!

That is just insane.

My mother goes through obsessive phases so, for eg, she will be really into some recipe she copied down off the telly. She will make it several times over, posting about it on Facebook, emailing me, phoning me and texting me about how marvellous it is. Texts like 'Oh I made my asparagus with almonds for blah blah last night - they RAVED about them'. She'll come over with the ingredients and make it at my house in a slightly hysterical flurry. I start off saying 'yeah, it's really nice' then after the 12th time I literally say nothing at all and completely ignore her. If she brings said dish round, I put it on the side in a very disinterested way. She never gets the message though.