To not want to be repeatedly bulldozed into receiving gifts I have already said nicely that I do not want

[DontMentionThePrunes]

The backstory to this is that my MIL will NEVER, EVER take no for an answer, even if for a very good reason. She does not give up, never mind if it's an important thing or a completely trivial thing, she won't accept no.

She is obsessed with tulip bulbs. Last month she rang to ask if I would like some pots of tulip bulbs which would sit in the garden and flower in spring. Ordinarily I would say yes, thank you; but we are moving soon with luck, and so this year I would like one less thing to bother about etc. (Also, I just don't really care for them, and we have talked about that before. It's just a question of taste really. I haven't been rude about it but I have said I really don't love bulbs.)

So when she asked, I explained clearly that I didn't want extra pots in the garden this year because of the move.

DS visited her today and was not supposed to tell me but has spent the afternoon potting tulip bulbs as a present from him to me.

Before you answer, please consider that this has happened again, again, again, over and over: I say 'no thanks because X' and I find she has gone behind my back to make sure my response is disregarded. Also, even if you like tulips, that's not the point

AIBU to feel completely undermined, furious at not being allowed to say a polite 'no thank you, for X very good and clear reason' and doubly furious that she is using my son as a way around my very reasonable refusal?

[DontMentionThePrunes]

Love it!!

[CoTananat]

Oh just throw it away. That's what I do. When questioned I say it, whatever it was, went the way of all flesh.

[DontMentionThePrunes]

"Can your h not reason with his own mother?"

No! She has groomed him. He is scared to talk back to her and to be fair she gives him no reason to. I saw BIL lose his temper with her - he was completely justified - and it ended up with him apologising to her after she'd flounced from the room. Mostly we just let things go. I have lost count of the idiotic, tactless shit she has said to me over the years and my hands are usually tied by the need not to make a scene.

The woman is a PRO.

[Alexandrite]

I feel your pain. My family are quite able to produce lots of clutter of our own, we don't need to have piles of junk foisted on us in our 2 bed home all the time because my mum's favourite hobby is shopping.

[MollyRoses]

Zazzles my mother sounds like yours.

I do sympathise - my grandmother is like this. I don't need unsolicited gifts and feel really guilty for wasting her money too even when I've clearly said I'll never use a Jesus bracelet, a prayer booklet, a leather bookmark ie non regiftable things!

[Alexandrite]

My mum even bought me curtains once. I'm funny like that. I like to choose my own curtains for my own house.

[Alexandrite]

I think from now on I'm going to say "No thank you we don't have room," each and every time until the message gets through.

[Alexandrite]

It's actually like hoarding by proxy. (Trying to hoard things in someone else's house.)

[timidviper]

Buy her a pampas grass for her front garden, they grow huge and you can snigger every time you see it

[johnworf]

It sounds incredibly annoying, yes. But I'd graciously receive them and then pass them on. She's happy and you're happy.

If it's food then I should think your local food bank would be happy to take it. As for the bulbs, could you give them to your LO's school? I know our reception/Y1 use bulbs for various projects.

[Itstartshere]

I'm sorry, but for our entertainment, please can we hear what's she's said to you over the years?

I feel for you, it's one of those things that just drives you bonkers with frustration, doesn't it?

[Zazzles007]

My mothers sounds exactly like your MIL - both of them have groomed their families into behaving in a certain way, a way which suits them and their self-centred way of thinking. Remember, in her mind, its all about her. Don't engage in your MIL's self-centred ways and histrioncs, that's what she wants.

If she gives you something you don't want, just state calmly and no emotion (whatsoever) "No, I don't want that" and then return it with only a scant explanation ("I did say I didn't want that"). Again employ the no emotion tactic as it gives them nothing to retort and rebel against.

Am I right in thinking that this is not the only self-centred behaviour she exhibits?

[NameChange70]

Aw bless. Every time a relative dies, my mil had turned up with boxes of crap to clutter my house. It got out of hand once and there was a power struggle over two beds for our spare room that I didn't want. Hub was having issues with saying no and was trying to negotiate her down to one. Long story short I came home one day to find both beds in spare room and no room to swing a cat. I lost it and sold them on eBay the next day.

[LilyAmaryllis]

"Hoarding by proxy" ! Yes yes yes this is my DM in 3 words. What a great way of describing it!

OP - YANBU

[Doodledumdums]

If my DH wasn't an only child then I would swear that we must be talking about the same woman!

The xmas before last she asked if we wanted a stool for our bathroom. We said no thank you as we wouldn't use it (who sits in the bathroom?!). She asked us about 8 more times before xmas, and each time we said no we really don't want one. Xmas day arrives, as does she with a huge box, and in it was a bathroom stool. 'I thought this would be useful?' Fine if she had not asked and had just given us a bathroom stool as a gift, but if you are going to get one regardless of the response of the person you are buying the gift for, then my suggestion is to not ask! She did exactly the same thing last year with a towel rail. ARGH!

[DontMentionThePrunes]

Zazzles I am good at being firm and clear. She tries to say the same thing in different words, and if that doesn't work she waits a few days then gets to DH. Since it's mostly trivial shit like plant pots, he just goes 'yeah, yeah, thanks' - job done, as far as she's concerned.

She just does NOT give up. It's bordering on hateful.

[DontMentionThePrunes]

Oh no doodledumdums, that sounds like a person who had already bought the bathroom stool and perhaps lost the receipt

[Zazzles007]

Yeah I know Prunes , I go through the same thing with my mother as well. It is so bad that I only see her once or twice a year now. She cannot get it through her head that 'everyone is not like her'.

When I last saw my mother regularly, she gave me 3 bars of soap, and since I accepted them, the next time she tried to give me a pack of 20 soap! For someone who lives on their own, it would take me years to get through 20 bars of soap!

[Doodledumdums]

Haha, that would seem like a logical excuse! However, knowing my MIL, the receipt for the stool will have been photocopied and neatly filed in her alphabetised filing system, probably with a copy at home and work 'just in case!'

[MrsZimt]

That sounds like my mother. She sends me the most useless stuff by post from abroad, costing a fortune. Whatever I said, she'd send it anyway.
The latest being a box full of empty margarine pots (300 of them) to freeze my fruit from the garden. She spend £10 on postage and made me feel guilty for "forgetting" them at her house.
I didn't forget them, I didn't want them (they open in the freezer and get squashed) and binned them straight away.

She is also very good at emotionally blackmailing me through our children. My older ones are now seeing through it.

[vtechjazz]

My granny does this, and then accuses people of taking advantage of her and 'doing very nicely' out of her generosity.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Sorry but the Japanese knotweed and the daughter with the standard number of legs have cheered up my morning immensely!

[timeforahaircut]

Oh I feel for you! My MIL has decided that we need bookends in our lives. We both dislike bookends (we have bookcases, lots of them, jammed full with books, no need for bookends) and although we have lots of clutter, we're fairly strict on only having clutter that we like or that is the DC's stuff. MIL has been buying us bookends for 8 years because she thinks we'd "see how useful they are if we'd only try."

Why would I need or want to "try" to like bookends? Over the years we have progressed from polite thanks (and quietly passing to a charity shop) to openly expressing our surprise that she's bought bookends yet again and telling her that they will be going straight to the charity shop. She even brings them as a staying-for-the-weekend gift. The local charity shop must have had dozens from us.

We feel no guilt on this. There's something very strange and controlling about trying to force people to accept presents that you already know they don't want. If you consider someone difficult to buy for then surely you go down the gift voucher/wine/chocs route?

In your position, I would tell DS when it's handed over that Granny has been naughty and wasn't supposed to give you this and that it's going back to Granny's house. I've done that before when she very deliberately brought over something we'd banned.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

"Hoarding by proxy" - omg yes, DM does this. If we ever express the slightest intention to buy a thing, she will already have six in her attic, and we get all six regardless of suitability.

[Primrose123]

My DM is definitely a hoarder by proxy. She is a hoarder anyway and her house is full of junk. She loves to buy second hand stuff and give it to other people. I have no problem with second hand things as long as we need them and they are in good condition, but she expects us to be grateful for any old tat. We arrived home one day to find a flimsy child's desk by our front door for our 5'6" DD.

When DD was 3, we bought her a bed frame and mattress. DM was furious because she had kept my dead uncle's bed in their barn for 12 years and we should have used that (never mind the mice living in it) and told us that we should have asked permission to buy our DD a bed!

Now we are stuck with my dead great great aunt's bed in our garage, because she wanted it but had no room to keep it (although they have 2 barns full of junk). She has said she would move it for 2 years now, but it is still there. She seems to have a thing about beds!