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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be more angry than I've ever been at DH?

139 replies

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:16

Hi,

Have NCed for this and posting here for more traffic. Really don't know what to do and am feeling so desperately angry & upset.

After a year of trying for our much wanted 2nd child (& suffering a loss at the beginning of the year), I've finally been given clomid to help me ovulate properly. The trouble is every time we now DTD DH doesn't ejaculate. First time laughed it off, second was slightly concerned, now I've lost count & I'm fuming. How the hell are we supposed to conceive if he doesn't play his part?! I've tried talking to him & he days he's turned on, he wants to but doesn't know what stops him. He won't go to the GP so basically we're stuffed. We have just tried for the millionth time & it's ended up with me walking out in floods if tears leaving him in bed.

What do I do?

OP posts:
LadyKatherine · 13/10/2013 22:04

You should be able to take clomid for up to 12 cycles as long as there are no serious side effects. DS was conceived after one round and DD after 4 rounds so i've still got 7 left when we try again. If you do exhaust that, I am fairly certain there are alternatives that can be used to help with ovulation.

My husband also suffered pressure to perform as I went from not being bothered about sex, to pushing him to have sex every couple of days during my fertile window. (If it helps, I was told to take clomid on days 2-6 of my cycle and we DTD every couple of days wef day 6/7.)

I had to try to make it more spontaneous while also making sure it was spontaneous at the right times iyswim. I also used the clearblue fertility monitor while ttc DD and i think it helped although not sure if this would work for you and also they are costly.

VivaLeThrustBadger · 13/10/2013 22:17

Have you tried different times of the day, like early in the morning?

PresidentServalan · 13/10/2013 22:35

Man up???

FFS - it's not like the guy is doing it deliberately!

ilikemysleep · 13/10/2013 22:36

Someone who was definitely not me got pg with one of their children via blowjob. Spat the doings into a cup and squirted it with a calpol syringe. Bingo :-)

MistressIggi · 13/10/2013 23:17

Jamieandthemagictorch - what was unbelievably sexist about my post? Sex is reduced to a schedule for both men AND women when having difficulties conceiving. I spent about a year sticking a thermometer in my fanjo the moment I woke up each morning, plotting the results and knowing that, in the mood or not, tonight was the night. I took lots of drugs and took the physical pain of rmcs, alone. It is hard for both partners in this scenario, but I do think the female partner has got it harder - that's not sexist, and I know my dh doesn't think so either - he saw what I went through.

MysteriousHamster · 13/10/2013 23:28

Really feel for you OP. AIBU isn't really the place for discussions about fertility once it gets to the complex stuff like you feeling ragey, knowing you shouldn't necessarily, but feeling it anyway!

TTC is so so hard for both partners. As the one with the issues (not all of them, clearly!), OP is under enormous pressure and if she's been given limited amounts of clomid (not all GPs will prescribe more than a few months worth, some won't prescribe it at all), then no wonder she feels like time is running out.

And advising her to take a YEAR out is madness. Madness.

What they need to do is talk openly and honestly about what would make a DH feel better and enable to go forward in TTC.

Maybe he could do it in a cup? I've known it work for a few people.

CharityFunDay · 13/10/2013 23:33

YABVU

It's not his fault and it's totally unforeseeable.

Perhaps, as suggested, AI would be the way to go?

cantspel · 13/10/2013 23:53

MistressIggi having also gone through fertility treatment i would say i had it way easier than my husband.
I didn't have to perform to order. Yes i had to put up with the doctors poking about, checking my mucus, taking and plotting temperature charts but my husband had to produce sperm to order which is way harder to do than anything i had to do.

Quandary to the public opion on mn men are not unfeeling machines who are up for sex 24/7.

MokuMoku · 14/10/2013 02:52

Why is it madness to take a year off?

I think the OP is the one who needs to talk to her GP, explain how things are not going well and ask if she can take time off and restart the clomid when she and her DH are both ready.

Perhaps her DH would prefer not to know when she re-starts the treatment?

There are other ways of treating PCOS such as weight-loss, healthy eating, supplements that she could do in the meantime but the main thing is to work on re-building things with her DH. She has already said he struggles to produce a sample in a cup.

I know many people who have decided to take time out from TTC, some permanently.

If this last cycle of clomid fails the OP is going to feel very resentful towards her DH. If she miscarries again she is going to be devastated.

Mimishimi · 14/10/2013 03:01

YABU. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be doing that and your anger/anxiety wouldn't exactly put him in the mood would it?

Original poster
desperateandangry · 14/10/2013 08:09

Moku, I have PCOS but am a size 8, exercise regularly and eat v healthily & take vitamins every day. Can't do much more!

Thanks to all for advice, interesting to hear the AI stories. Something I never considered but will def look into. I've missed my fertile window this month which means only 2 rounds of clomid left. It's not prescribed by my GP but a fertility consultant at my hospital so I can't discuss anythin with him til my follow-up once my 4 cycles have finished.

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 14/10/2013 08:37

Yeah my friend has PCOS is very small, but toned but with big boobs and bum and hips, this made her BMI too high and the doctors weren't willing to help until her BMI lowered Hmm ridiculous. Luckily they just went with the flow and after two years, she gave birth to my god daughter last month.

vtechjazz · 14/10/2013 10:26

Sleep naked. Tell your dh that from now on you will sleep naked, and you are not telling him when you will ovulate. Maybe even quit the clomid until you can rely on his regular servicing!

musicismylife · 14/10/2013 11:06

So, because he can't perform like the circus animal that he is Hmm, you're 'running out in floods of tears'?

Stop acting like a spoilt brat and give the poor man a break. He is not a means to an end.

Kewcumber · 14/10/2013 11:14

OP - it is not Clomid or IVF and you have been poorly advised if you have been told that. In addition to IUI after clomid you can move to injectible drugs and IUI (or sex) which even if you have to pay for it privtaely is significantly cheaper than IVF. I'm also slightly confused why you only have 4 rounds of CLmoid

These are the NICE guidelines -

"Women with World Health Organization Group II ovulation
disorders (hypothalamic pituitary dysfunction) such as
polycystic ovary syndrome should be offered treatment
with clomifene citrate (or tamoxifen) as the first line of
treatment for up to 12 months because it is likely to
induce ovulation."

cantspel · 14/10/2013 11:33

I did 2 years on clomid. Ok that was nearly 18 years ago but even today i am sure that you can take clomid for more than 6 months. It took several months alone for them to find a dose that made me ovulate.

MokuMoku · 14/10/2013 12:04

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything. Just trying to say that there are alternatives. You seem to be pinning all your hopes and dreams on the next two months and that is so much pressure for you both.

I think a good talk with your DH when you are both calm is a good step to step. Hopefully your consultant with have something to offer you as well.

I wish you both all the best.

MistressIggi · 14/10/2013 13:01

Musicismylife that was a nasty post. You're telling a bereaved woman desperate for a child that she is a spoilt brat?

Original poster
desperateandangry · 14/10/2013 13:50

I've only been given 4 rounds as my consultant says he's "confident" I'll conceive in that time! After that I'll be sent for more tests.

Thanks Moku :-)

Music I can assure you I am far from spoilt - I feel like a failure. I can constantly asked by friends & family when I'm having another child esp since I lost out baby there have been 10 pg announcements in our family. I'm not a brat, I am the reason why out family is incomplete.

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 14/10/2013 13:56

Hi OP, I'm a guy who has gone through this scenario, except my wife wasn't taking clomid so in your situation there is even more pressure.

My wife got really pissed off with me which made everything far far worse. The only thing that worked for me was having no pressure to perform. We did do the 'turkey baster', so I knew there was an alternative if it didn't happen. I didn't like doing that but it did at least take some of the pressure off, in that I knew we could still do something. In the end we did conceive 'naturally'.

A note of caution: the whole thing has completely fucked up our sex life. We have got a wonderful son though.

SnakeyMcBadass · 14/10/2013 14:14

I feel for you, OP. The need for a child isn't rational, and it's all consuming. I can only advise you to keep on talking to your DH, and to try and step back from pressuring him. He's going through this, too.

icklemssunshine1 · 14/10/2013 14:54

Thanks whatsthat, interesting to see the other side. I'm hoping after all this is over our sex life will return to normal. Sick of it being so difficult.

Shockingundercrackers · 14/10/2013 15:19

I can't read and run... Poor you OP, what you are both going through really is the absolute pits. Ttc after miscarriage is a total passion killer in my experience. I lost all confidence when that happened to me (twice Hmm). Please don't underestimate how hard it is for your DP as well. MC is terribly sad for dads too, but no one talks to them about it. That said, i do think you should take a step back You aren't even 40 yet. There's so much pressure on you, but please remember a lot of that is utter utter bollocks. You still have plenty of time (really) and you still might conceive without the drugs. It happens. As a 40 (cough) something myself i know a number of friends who've conceived after the clomid, after the IVF, after they've given up all hope. Just shagging for fun has given DS three of his little playmates! Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/10/2013 15:56

MistressIggi

I said sexist because if a man had made an assumption about what all women should do/feel/behave based on what they perceive to be the norm for women then he'd be - rightly- criticised. Women would also, rightly, be upset to have it assumed that their feelings about sex don't matter.

I can see it's really hard all round, but my posts, and others have cautioned against blaming each other and losing sight of the foundations of raising a child - the relationship.

Bexamundo · 14/10/2013 16:50

Gosh OP I feel for you. We had a long journey TTC for DD (currently asleep on my chest!). DH had performance issues (maintaining mostly). I too got incredibly angry at times and wondered if he wanted a baby. He did have av underlying medical problem. However a lot of it was psychological. One thing that really helped us was taking the pressure off by introducing massage. Massage provides skin-to-skin contact and is both sensuous and relaxing. We used to agree it wasn't an automatic pre-cursor to sex but often lead to it. One too though - was your hands between massaging and sex or your lady bits will be on fire! I speak from experience!