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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be more angry than I've ever been at DH?

139 replies

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:16

Hi,

Have NCed for this and posting here for more traffic. Really don't know what to do and am feeling so desperately angry & upset.

After a year of trying for our much wanted 2nd child (& suffering a loss at the beginning of the year), I've finally been given clomid to help me ovulate properly. The trouble is every time we now DTD DH doesn't ejaculate. First time laughed it off, second was slightly concerned, now I've lost count & I'm fuming. How the hell are we supposed to conceive if he doesn't play his part?! I've tried talking to him & he days he's turned on, he wants to but doesn't know what stops him. He won't go to the GP so basically we're stuffed. We have just tried for the millionth time & it's ended up with me walking out in floods if tears leaving him in bed.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Shellywelly1973 · 13/10/2013 14:40

I feel sorry for you both.

Try & take some time out to enjoy stuff with your dh. It sounds really stressful & I appreciate your annoyed but its a waste of energy.

Take care of yourself & really hope the situation works out well for you all.

LtEveDallas · 13/10/2013 14:41

You have one child, are you sure your DH wants another?

CoffeeTea103 · 13/10/2013 14:41

You are putting too much pressure on him. Your desperation is probably turning this into an unpleasant experience. He wants the child just as much as you. Stop being so pushy and if it happens it will happen.

Original poster

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:43

I know it's horrible for him, it's horrible for me too. I feel like the failure - I can't ovulate, I couldn't carry a baby to term. I know it's difficult for him to perform under the pressure but unfortunately we've been given the pressure: only 4 rounds, advised to opk 3 x a day, DTD every other day. I would seriously love the artificial insemination, I've even asked him to do this, but he says he'd have the same problem. It took him ages to give the sperm sample.

OP posts:

PlayedThePinkOboe · 13/10/2013 14:44

OP - I sympathise as time is quite clearly of the essence. For all those who "accidentally" got pregnant, it's easy to shake the Calm Down Dear pom-poms. How about getting him to JIAP (jizz in a pot) on his own and then give you the pot.

Delayed ejaculation/performance anxiety/overbearing wife - call it what you will - has anyone ever met a man who can't regularly ejaculate when wanking?

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 14:49

No I wouldn't be angry at all, I'd be worried about him.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 13/10/2013 14:50

My DH hated giving the sample too Desperate. But if he is in his own home it's completly different to a doctors room with strangers walking up and down the corridor.

I know it's shite for you too. DD was a clomid baby and was two years in the making, so I do understand (to some extent) how you feel.

Maybe if you speak to him again and try to sell it as being different to when he had to give a sample. You would be suprised at the amount of couples who have to do this in order to concieve.

Iamsparklyknickers · 13/10/2013 14:51

Ok you need to take a step back and remember that even though you're dealing with a lot of crap - so is he. Please don't get competitive over whose got the worst hand - you're both in it together. What affects one will affect the other. In different ways, but equally as valid.

I'm not being blase about your situation, we've been trying for years and I'm the one with the issues so whenever I feel like DP isn't putting the same amount of importance on things I want to wring his neck tbh - but what's the point? I have to accept that he needs to deal with the situation in his own way too and there's no point in dividing the team iyswim?

Come on here and rant away, but don't rant at him it's counter productive.

Practically - any chance of taking the pressure off? Get drunk, put on a porno, give him a BJ or get him to go down on you with no expectation of intercourse. It's stressful (as you well know) thinking of your body as a baby making machine, never mind someone else viewing it as one.

passmetheprozac · 13/10/2013 14:52

If he is having that much sex and not ejaculating surly he will be in pain?

Original poster

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:53

Thanks fortheloveof, will approach the subject later. Going out for a meal with in-laws so after a few drinks he maybe more relaxed. Although we'll no doubt get the pregnant yet? Such and such is expecting conversations first!

OP posts:

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 13/10/2013 14:57

Good luck Desperate, fx it all goes well

WaitingForMe · 13/10/2013 14:58

I get quite annoyed when the pressure card gets trotted out. Part of being an adult is dealing with pressure when things matter. Deadlines at work, paying the bills, every aspect of raising a family. Why be a precious little snowflake when it comes to sex? Especially with something this important.

OP is not at all unreasonable to want her DH to man up a bit.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 13/10/2013 15:02

To man up????!!!! Bloody hell, no wonder men don't want to go to the doctor about issues like this.

OP - I do think that yabu but I also feel that you are very, very stressed. All of that, and the pressure to 'man up' (fgs) will make it harder and harder for your dh - your anger will make the problem much worse. You make it sound as if he's 'failing to perform' on purpose.

I'm sorry about your loss, but your relationship and your existing child, really are more important than all of this, you know.

froken · 13/10/2013 15:03

Poor you :( both of you, it must be a really hard situation.

Personally I think advising you to have sex every other day and doing 3opks a day is far too much. Could you just try to take the pressure off you both and aim to have sex twice midcycle?

Do you ever ovulate on your own? Did you need Clomid for dc1 and the baby you miscarried?

I know how infertility feels, both me and dp have fertility issues and it took years to conceive ds, I hope you are not offended by me suggesting that you relax.

We were told that I wouldn't ovulate the cycle before we were due to start ivf ( internal ultrasound, the Dr saw no eggs maturing) we went on a skiing trip, drank lots and didn't have planned sex ( just spontaneous sex) and I got pregnant.

We had spent years having dull baby making midcycle sex, it just didn't work for us.

Can you take a break for a couple of cycles? My Dr said they would prescribe Clomid for a maximum of 6 cycles, it seems a waste to be using up you cycles if there is no hope for sperm.

You could possibly start taking the Clomid again and not tell your dp? Fertility treatment really isn't sexy unfortunately.

Best of luck, I am sorry for your loss :(

gobbin · 13/10/2013 15:08

You've got one child, yes? I'd be grateful for the one and give up on number 2, honestly.

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 15:09

Man up?!! What sort of sexist bullshit is that

Original poster

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 15:12

froken, I have PCOS so was always told I would need fertility treatment but conceived twice without it (miraculously). Unfortunately since the MC nearly a year ago, I haven't ovulated at all. I might just have to bite the bullet & stop taking the clomid til that has resolved.

OP posts:

Original poster

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 15:15

gobbin I am and always will be eternally grateful for my DD. what's wrong with wanting another? We are fantastic parents & both of us have always wanted more than one child - DH actually wants 3 - why shouldn't we?

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 13/10/2013 15:21

It's it at all possible to stop taking it, get things in the bedroom back on an even keel then start taking it without him knowing so the pressure to perform is off.

Bluegrass · 13/10/2013 15:27

"Man up" ffs!! He's not a machine, he doesn't just decide to come and then it happens! Can you imagine a guy plugging away at you with an expectant look on his face waiting for you to come? Do you think it's very likely that you could just man up and orgasm on demand?

He's probably reluctant to waste a busy GPs time when all the GP will say is "yup, I completely understand, you can't come to order - welcome to the human race".

HandbagCrazy · 13/10/2013 15:27

We are trying at the moment and my dh is feeling the pressure, although not on this scale. My only 2 suggestions are to spend some time talking things through - explain you're not angry at him but are frustrated by the situation. then maybe initiate some sort of sex but not necessarily the type you get pregnant from. If he realises baby making isnt on the agenda, he may relax. If he manages then, you know he doesnt need the gp, its a mental block. If he cant then push for the gp.
I do think you're reaction is a little harsh but i also understand that its coming from a place of complete frustration and pressure. Please try and remember though, that you are a team, so you need to work together to sort this out.

Also, tell his mother that you've changed your mind and are no longer trying. She'll stop asking and then you can surprise her nicely when you're expecting. I have told my inlaws that we're not ready yet so that they dont ask because its a horrible question to have to answer x

ShadeofViolet · 13/10/2013 15:31

**I get quite annoyed when the pressure card gets trotted out. Part of being an adult is dealing with pressure when things matter. Deadlines at work, paying the bills, every aspect of raising a family. Why be a precious little snowflake when it comes to sex? Especially with something this important.

OP is not at all unreasonable to want her DH to man up a bit.**

What a load of bollocks

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2013 15:31

You need to listen to what your DH is saying and try to calm down a bit.

As others have said, putting the pressure on will just make it worse.

Imagine if you also had to orgasm in order to get pregnant...I'm sure you'd feel the pressure too.

You could always try artificially inseminating yourself if he can manage to come into a cup.

I know that sounds clinical but I wouldn't rule it out.

LeoandBoosmum · 13/10/2013 15:32

I know you want a second child and have suffered loss. Perhaps that's clouding your judgement... You should put your anger aside and be concerned about your DH's inability to ejaculate as it could point to a medical issue, not just a psychological one. You need to convince him to go to the doctor!!
If the issue is psychological, you are approaching it in the worst possible way and compounding the problem.... Not a great analogy but it's rather like screaming at a child who wets the bed and expecting them to stop!

ImperialBlether · 13/10/2013 15:32

I think the first thing to tackle is your mother in law. I would put it in writing to her that she is making you very, very unhappy at the moment with her constant references to your fertility. Tell her when and if you are pregnant you will let her know but in the meantime you'd be very grateful if she would stop asking intrusive personal questions.

Next, never mind the every other night sexual challenge, go for every night. Have sex to be closer to him and I'm sure he'll relax. Don't mention fertile periods to him. Can you phone your mum or a friend if you need to talk about it? I know it's unfair but at the moment your goal is to get pregnant and if he can't come when he feels under pressure, all you can do is remove the pressure and go for some good close sex.

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