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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be more angry than I've ever been at DH?

139 replies

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:16

Hi,

Have NCed for this and posting here for more traffic. Really don't know what to do and am feeling so desperately angry & upset.

After a year of trying for our much wanted 2nd child (& suffering a loss at the beginning of the year), I've finally been given clomid to help me ovulate properly. The trouble is every time we now DTD DH doesn't ejaculate. First time laughed it off, second was slightly concerned, now I've lost count & I'm fuming. How the hell are we supposed to conceive if he doesn't play his part?! I've tried talking to him & he days he's turned on, he wants to but doesn't know what stops him. He won't go to the GP so basically we're stuffed. We have just tried for the millionth time & it's ended up with me walking out in floods if tears leaving him in bed.

What do I do?

OP posts:

MistressIggi · 13/10/2013 18:23

One thing telling us she's angry with him, don't think she has said these things to him? She said after the last time she ended up "in floods of tears" - now that may not help matters, but I refuse to think a woman going through these problems and letting her emotions get the better of her is being unreasonable, I think it is very natural in the circumstances. And I do think the dh is not looking at suggested solutions (help from GP, AI) from the OP which will make her feel more powerless.
OP before I came on MN I didn't know anyone who had babies in their forties - now I know of many, myself included. Don't give up yet

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 18:35

OP I hope it all works out for you I really do. Must be awful for both of you. Just take some time to get back to being naughty lovers for a bit

notnowImreading · 13/10/2013 18:36

Echoing what other posters have said, with a warning attached - my DH left me over this and I don't think my reactions were anywhere near as extreme as you describe yours to be. We had gone beyond clomid towards ivf and he hated the whole medicalisation of the process so much that he decided he never wants children and went off to get himself a much younger girlfriend who doesn't want kids and just wants to have fun.

Probably what you both need is a lovely holiday, somewhere hot, without the clomid and an agreement to let it be for a while at least. You have a child and I'm sure you want her father to stick around.

God, that's a bleak post. I'm not deleting it though. Ttc is really rough on both of you and I didn't realise in time just how rough.

Bluegrass · 13/10/2013 18:39

I can certainly imagine how, after desperately trying and failing to find somewhere in the recesses of his mind away from the emotional pressure and expectation that might just trigger an orgasm so he can finally stop, roll over and retreat into the depths of his own self doubt, the sight of his DW bursting into tears and walking out on him would have left him feeling fantastic. I don't suppose that scene is going to be playing itself on an endless loop in his mind next time he tries!

I know its tough (been there and came out the other side) but you have to support each other, that's what marriages are about, not getting angry about it and trying to cast blame.

MistressIggi · 13/10/2013 18:40

Notnow if he really wanted to ensure no more pressure to have kids, he'd be better with an older girlfriend, surely?

It does highlight the fact though that a man can take a longer break from ttc, and still have the option to revisit the idea later. Perhaps this is part of why women can get so caught up in all this.

Original poster

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 18:41

notnow, I'm so sorry that happened to you. What an awful time. I really don't know what to say but I hope your future is much brighter than the past.

10 years ago I would've thought what's the worry? Chill out & it'll happen but now time's ticking its just adding to the pressure. Clomid is our last hope, we can't have IVF on the NHS as we have DD. It's clomid or a loan!

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 13/10/2013 18:47

I remember the stress of clomid treatment, pressure to have sex, husband working away all week, feeling under pressure to perform, being told to do it, not to do it, him failing to perform, tears, knowing you've only got a limited number of goes.

Infertility sucks. i hope it works out for you OP. i'm sorry i have no advice, just sympathy.

harticus · 13/10/2013 18:49

Poor man - and poor you.
Too much stress all round.
Time to ditch the pressurised mechanics of baby manufacturing and get back to makin' lurv.

Retroformica · 13/10/2013 20:03

Talk to your GP yourself. Tell him DH is feeling the stress. Ask for help.

I know there is a lot of pressure on you both to make the most of the limited fertile window in the 6 cycles using clomid.

Can you start by having a little bit of fun. A date? Dont talk about fertility, just have some nice non sexual times together. Can you give him some slow sensual massages (pretending to be uninterested in sex initially). Can you buy some Anne summers stuff and try a few things out. Has he or you a secret fantasy? Can you make it a laugh. What about waking him with a sneaky blow job type thing?

I have walked in your shoes. I have 3 clomid boys after years of painful secondary infertility. The first child conceived without clomid.

Retroformica · 13/10/2013 20:06

There are other things that can be tried if clomid doesn't work. I'm not talking IVF. Much cheaper. I can forward my consultants details if you like.

kiriwawa · 13/10/2013 20:22

Clomid isn't very expensive (well it's a lot cheaper than most other kinds of fertility treatment).

It's not a race and clearly you need to take the pressure off him - I feel for both of you but he needs to perform to give you what you so desperately want and clearly that's stopping him.

I know a friend of mine's DH had similar issues but then they had 2 DC. Not sure how they resolved the issue but if it's never been a problem before, I'd stop PIV sex altogether and bring him to orgasm in other ways. Right now, he must feel like a performing monkey

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2013 20:30

I feel sorry for you and him. I can only imagine the damage it would do to our relationship, though, if I was expected to orgasm on demand.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2013 20:34

"However, many, many men do orgasm to a schedule when ttc, when there are difficulties. So why is this particular woman being viewed as so unreasonable in wanting hers to do the same? "

That is so incredibly sexist that I'm aghast.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 13/10/2013 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiriwawa · 13/10/2013 20:43

OMG PAs - I can't believe I'd forgotten about that! Clomid made me utterly unhinged!

Not saying you are OP and not wishing to belittle your frustration but it most definitely does affect emotional responses

FingerPicker · 13/10/2013 20:47

Just to point out that we only have one child as I am medically unable to have another. It's really not all that bad y'know :)

HavantGuard · 13/10/2013 20:50

If I were taking a drug, one of the common side effects of which is serious PMT, that meant I was putting myself at risk of ovarian cysts and fibroids for the chance to have a baby and my OH wasn't ejaculating, I would be furious too.

You're taking drugs and risking your health for a child and he won't even talk to the doctor about his issue?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/10/2013 20:52

Havant

In reply to that, I think I'd agree with what Worra said at 16.45.

notnowImreading · 13/10/2013 20:57

Thanks, desperate. I'm sure there are brighter times ahead and there will be for you, too. I didn't mean to make your thread about me - it's just that nobody even thought to warn me about the possibility of trouble in the relationship coming from TTC (beyond the very general 'oh it can be tough, you know') and I don't think I'd have taken it seriously if they had.

Mistress, I'm pretty sure that the (much) younger girlfriend is helping to restore his self-esteem, which took a big hit through the TTC process. An older girlfriend might have been (God forbid) closer to his own age, and wencant have that, oh dear me, no.

Good luck, desperate.

PresidentServalan · 13/10/2013 20:59

Sounds like he is struggling with the pressure to 'perform'. This is not something to be angry with him about, you need to sit down and talk to him - I don't know of any man who would be feeling particularly good about himself if he couldn't ejaculate.

fluffyraggies · 13/10/2013 21:02

Perhaps he knows that talking to the doctor will increase his performance anxiety? He has told OP that it would help if he weren't aware of the fertility window, so i guess he knows this is his issue. The man must know his own mind.

If i had to orgasm to order, and was having trouble doing so because of feeling the pressure, someone ordering me to talk to a doctor would make it worse still :(

that was to posters asking why on earth he isn't rushing to the docs.

OP - i've been on the desperate ttc train. It's horrid. My DH asked me to 'hide' when i was ovulating if i could, to avoid TTC sex for him. I took it badly at the time. I felt it was unfair that i should have to do all the charting and worrying and timing and also be adept at being a temptress at the right moment without letting on IT needed doing tonight!

In hindsight i can see that for me - i just had to lay there and be happy to have sex. He had to actually orgasm. If that didn't happen we had no chance. So it was worth doing what he asked.

I sympathise massively. But take the pressure off somehow now. Try the soft cup method method? Stop the clomid for a couple of months and start again without his knowledge?

froken · 13/10/2013 21:06

My fertility specialist told me that my fertility should actually improve as I got older because I have PCOS, his theory was that as your body starts to run out of eggs so you start to ovulate more normally. I do hope this happens to you.

Your body has ovulated before without treatment, maybe if you take a very quick break (a couple of months) your body will have got into the swing of ovulation becuse the clomid gave it a kick start. Even if you don't ovulate and just spend time rebuilding your intimacy with your dp that would be better than subjecting your body to cycle after cycle of clomid with no chance of any sperm.

HippoSlug · 13/10/2013 21:09

My DH struggled to perform when we were ttc DC3. Obviously we weren't in the same boat as you, but I can relate to the frustration. I tried not to make him feel bad about it as he already felt he was failing and letting me down, I'm sure your DH feels the same and it only compounds the problem! After a year of ttc I got practical - made him use a cup and I squirted it up there straight away with one of those pamol syringes!! Worked a treat. Got pregnant that month. It was very low on the romance scale, but I was desperate! His performance issues instantly disappeared too. Ttc puts a lot of pressure on a guy, especially in your case where the opportunity is limited by the clomid.

cherrytomato40 · 13/10/2013 21:20

YANBU, DD1 is a clomid baby and I totally get it..It's a horrible drug that gives you hot flushes and mood swings, you become obsessed with cycle days and ovulation. It sucks.

I remember having the most almighty row with DH when I was on clomid when he couldn't 'perform' because he admitted he'd had a wank in the shower that evening. I just let rip: "Don't you UNDERSTAND, it's DAY 14 OF MY CYCLE, you've RUINED EVERYTHING!!" He looked at me like a crazy lady and surprisingly we didn't conceive that cycle

Original poster

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 21:32

Thanks everyone.

I actually did say to DH this afternoon "I'm taking the drug, it's making me feel like shit and you can't do that!" Felt awful :-( We've made up now though (without sex!). The clomid is making me crazy. Getting angry ever so easily :-(

I've tried to initiate sex "secretly", not revealing I'm ovulating, but when it doesn't happen I just want to scream we've now just wasted a round! We've only got 4!

Clomid sucks!

OP posts:

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