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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be more angry than I've ever been at DH?

139 replies

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 14:16

Hi,

Have NCed for this and posting here for more traffic. Really don't know what to do and am feeling so desperately angry & upset.

After a year of trying for our much wanted 2nd child (& suffering a loss at the beginning of the year), I've finally been given clomid to help me ovulate properly. The trouble is every time we now DTD DH doesn't ejaculate. First time laughed it off, second was slightly concerned, now I've lost count & I'm fuming. How the hell are we supposed to conceive if he doesn't play his part?! I've tried talking to him & he days he's turned on, he wants to but doesn't know what stops him. He won't go to the GP so basically we're stuffed. We have just tried for the millionth time & it's ended up with me walking out in floods if tears leaving him in bed.

What do I do?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2013 15:33

And yes, I second 'man up' as being a total pile of bollocks.

So he's less of a man if he can't ejaculate under pressure?

Nice.

themaltesefalcon · 13/10/2013 15:33

Secondary infertility hurts terribly. I feel for you, OP.

Beccagain · 13/10/2013 15:34

I say this in all love. If I were you I would step away from TTC for the time being. The way you're going, you're not going to be 'fantastic' parents for much longer, either because you'll have split up (you could still be fantastic, but separately, I guess) or because your focus will be so off your current child that she will start to feel the strain too.

Nothing whatever wrong with wanting more children... there is a LOT wrong with being so obsessive about it and thinking that wanting should be the same as getting.

LeoandBoosmum · 13/10/2013 15:36

Glad I'm not married to you ShadeofViolet!

StUmbrageinSkelt · 13/10/2013 15:41

Less of a responsible human being if there are 6 possible cycles of clomid and he's unwilling to look at what he can do to enhance the chances of conceiving.

cupcake78 · 13/10/2013 15:45

Two words, artificial insemination! It can be done at home and no one needs to know.

Sex should be kept as sex if its ruining your relationship there are other ways.

Being horribly clinical about it to get pregnant you've just got to get sperm to egg! A penis is the usual way but syringes can also work .

I'd say your both under too much pressure. Don't ruin your sex life and relationship simply because he gets stage fright.

Keep sex for intimacy and love.

MokuMoku · 13/10/2013 15:47

I think he should man up and tell his mum to back off but apart from that I think you should stop trying for at least a year. Take the pressure of you both and I say that as someone who went through fertility treatment and lost 4 babies to miscarriage and one to ectopic pregnancy so I know how hard it can be.

whois · 13/10/2013 15:49

Why won't he go to his GP? I would be angry/upset about that. And, actually, I would probably be really upset if my DP couldn't ejaculate with me.

But being openly angry with him isn't going to help, but must be v upsetting for you OP.

Wilberforce2 · 13/10/2013 15:57

Op yanbu to be feeling so upset over this, I have been where you are twice and it's horrendous I wouldn't wish fertility problems on anyone. It is pressure for him but for you as well, I remember getting a sinking feeling when I knew ovulation was coming around because it of the whole "right it needs to be tonight and tomorrow" then DH would work late and be stressed and tired I would get stressed we would argue and miss the window. I remember DH screaming at me during an argument once "I am not a fucking machine" and that's when I realised it was really hard for him as well.

If I were you (and I know how hard it is to do this) I would take just two months off, use that time to just have sex because you want to and not to make a baby and then start the Clomid again but do not tell him. I started keeping the whole thing to myself, I didn't even tell DH when I was ovulating in the end. After 4 years of trying I am 22 weeks pregnant number 2 so it will work. I really feel for you as the shittiness of the whole situation is still very fresh in my mind.

Oh and people telling the op how selfish she is clearly haven't been there.

cantspel · 13/10/2013 16:00

He doesn't need a gp to tell him what is wrong. Nothing is broken it is just he is being treated like a performing seal and his body is rebelling against it.

The only thing that will work is to take the pressure off him and get back to having sex rather than trying to make a baby.

Crying and blaming him will just make it worse and could end up destroying your marriage.

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 16:02

I'd feel under enormous pressure if I knew I HAD to do something and it was so detrimental to someone. People can't orgasm at whim. It's as much a mental process as a physical. Imagine if we were telling women to get a grip because they couldn't orgasm

Agree with cantspel

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 13/10/2013 16:02

Yanbu. I would be very upset too.

cantspel · 13/10/2013 16:03

Wilberforce i dot think anyone has called her selfish but she is not behaving well either and yes i say that as someone who did have fertility problems. 3 years to conceive my first 2 of those on clomid and plenty of being poked around by a doctor.

tracypenisbeaker · 13/10/2013 16:12

Maybe you could just spend time just having foreplay without having actual penetrative sex, just to reconnect for a bit. Then maybe move onto having sex using condoms, so that he is aware that there is no pressure on him to necessarily ejaculate as it's going in the bin anyway. Hard, I know, but maybe if you stop treating his cum like liquid gold he might not feel so under pressure and used.

JaneFonda · 13/10/2013 16:16

Good God OP, how horrendous for your poor DH.

WickedPlans · 13/10/2013 16:33

I don't think there is a simple solution to be found with the GP.
This is performance anxiety. Putting pressure on him will make it worse.
Talk to him openly and sensitively to see if there is something you can do to help, even using AI

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/10/2013 16:43

I'm so sorry OP, you sound like you've been through an awful time. Perhaps you should stop taking the medication for now, let your hormones settle and give your OH a bit of breathing space.

Alternatively, only begin to have sex once he's so excited he's almost at the no-return stage, no more standing starts.

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2013 16:45

He doesn't need a gp to tell him what is wrong. Nothing is broken it is just he is being treated like a performing seal and his body is rebelling against it.

Exactly.

What's the point of wasting the GP's time?

It's not like he can't get an erection, he just can't ejaculate because of the pressure to do so.

What can the Doctor do about that other than tell the OP to ease the pressure on him?

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/10/2013 16:47

Or possibly, he's upset by the miscarriage or doesn't want any more children despite what he says.

Counselling might be a better idea than a medical appointment. It sounds like he has a psychological problem, not a physical one.

LIZS · 13/10/2013 16:48

I'm with Juneau , take a break this month and relax then see how you feel next . Conceiving in anger isn't going to help your relationship

Branleuse · 13/10/2013 16:49

calm it down, or your marriage wont even survive ttc. Youre being ridiculus

Polpotsbabyteeth · 13/10/2013 17:00

We TTC for 4.5 years in total with various fertility treatments. If I'd had to orgasm to someone else's schedule I dare say we would still be childless.

I feel sorry for you I do, but I feel really sorry for your DH.

MistressIggi · 13/10/2013 17:48

However, many, many men do orgasm to a schedule when ttc, when there are difficulties. So why is this particular woman being viewed as so unreasonable in wanting hers to do the same?

And Gobbin, that was one of the most unhelpful posts I've seen on secondary infertility.

Yes sex does become more "business-like" when ttc if there are problems. But that can be fixed. Sex for us became formulaic when ttc dc2. Then he arrived and it became non-existent! But we built it up again. A strong relationship survives such a thing. Neither of us would swap our happy ending (dc2) for any amount of relaxed sex, I don't think.

Original poster

desperateandangry · 13/10/2013 18:13

Thank you everyone for your frank replies and honest advice. After dinner out & a few hours thinking time I've calmed down.

I'm not angry with DH, it is the situation but I do also think there are other couples who have to do this so we just have to get on with it.

I know the sensible solution would be to take a break but we're nearly 40, time is ticking!

This bloody sucks.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2013 18:13

However, many, many men do orgasm to a schedule when ttc, when there are difficulties. So why is this particular woman being viewed as so unreasonable in wanting hers to do the same?

She's not.

She's being viewed as unreasonable for 'being angrier at him than she's ever been' and for failing to empathise with how difficult it must be to ejaculate under such pressure.

I'm a woman and I know I couldn't orgasm on demand.

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