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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair of the school on my friend's daughter.

82 replies

PMDD · 11/10/2013 16:36

My friend's child (not mine, honest) has attached herself to one girl in her class. They are both year 1 and age 5. When the other girl is in class/at line up etc. my friend's child is fine and goes into school and lunch and play time etc. happily. However, when the other girl is not in school, for example, illness, my friend's daughter cries hysterically. At lunch time, if her friend isn't there, my friend's daughter sits in with the teacher or TA in class as she is so upset and won't settle down.

This behaviour went on all last year in Reception. The mother of the other girl has decided that my friend's daughter is 'suffocating' her daughter's social development. That the clingy nature of my friend's child means that her girl isn't 'free' to play as she wishes. For this reason, she has asked the school to move her daughter into a different class (there are 3 year 1 classes). The move started this week.

However, my friend's daughter has been so upset and hysterical that she actually vomited at school line up this morning. My friend understand's why the other mother felt the way she did, but the other girl wasn't being hurt or damaged in some way.

I just think the school were unreasonable.

OP posts:
Spirulina · 11/10/2013 16:38

Why were the school unreasonable? It isn't healthy for anyone so moved her

pictish · 11/10/2013 16:40

I don't think the school were unreasonable at all. I'd hate for my child to be under that sort of pressure, and I'd be looking to have them set apart as well.

icetip · 11/10/2013 16:40

Sad situation for the little girl, but not unreasonable at all for the school to act this way.

Mckayz · 11/10/2013 16:40

I don't think the schol is being unreasonable. It is not healthy for either of the girls.

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/10/2013 16:41

I think the school should have nipped it in the bud far soooner and can see why the other girls parents have asked for her to be moved. Not healthy for anybody.

CoffeeTea103 · 11/10/2013 16:42

The school was definitely not unreasonable. If the other child was being stifled this way, it surely wasn't healthy for her. And the other mum asked for her daughter to be moved not your friends daughter so it seems like she was also trying to be helpful, in that it's less upset of familiar environment for your friends dd.
Your friend should be very concerned about her dd emotional attachment to one child.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor · 11/10/2013 16:43

I think the school were right to do what they did. Your friend's dd's reaction is extreme and she needs help in learning to cope without the other girl and in making other friends for her own sake.

MrsGSR · 11/10/2013 16:43

I think the school was right to move her. Your friends DD needs to get used to her not being around, what if she was to move away etc?

SirChenjin · 11/10/2013 16:44

I don't think the school was unreasonable at all. Very sad for the child, but I'd be more worried about the intense attachment. Is she getting any help or support for that?

AmberLeaf · 11/10/2013 16:46

I don't think the school were unreasonable in moving the other girl, but I think they should be helping your friends little girl with her obvious anxiety issues. Are they?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2013 16:46

It's a shame this wasn't sorted last year - it should have been.

I can see the POV of the other mother but it probably won't solve the problem for your friend's daughter and getting help for THAT should be the focus of your friend's concern, IMO

cantspel · 11/10/2013 16:46

I think they should have moved this child at the start of the year if this has gone on from last year. Not healthy for either girl.

LEMisdisappointed · 11/10/2013 16:47

not unreasonable at all - the school are doing the right thing, for BOTH children. It does sound quite extreme

Spirulina · 11/10/2013 16:47

Don't think you'll find anyone here who agrees with you op.... Why do you think they were unreasonable?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2013 16:48

Many schools mix the classes up after Reception - did this school do this?

AllThatGlistens · 11/10/2013 16:49

Not unreasonable of the school at all, surely you and your friend can see how unhealthy that behaviour is?

NatashaBee · 11/10/2013 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morgause · 11/10/2013 16:49

I'd have asked for a move long before now.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2013 16:50

I'd want to know what the school was doing/suggesting your friend does to address her daughter's emotional issues. Hope it is not limited to moving the other girl - that would be unreasonable.

LittleMissWise · 11/10/2013 16:51

I think the school were right to act on the other mother's wishes. I really wouldn't have wanted my children to have been under that sort of pressure.

Your friend's daughter now needs the school and her parents to help her through the next stage.

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 11/10/2013 16:51

Vomiting and hysterical crying need to be sorted out, OP, you must see that.

SaucyJack · 11/10/2013 16:55

Agree it wasn't unreasonable of the school or the other parent involved in the slightest.

Your friend is the unreasonable one for expecting a five-year-old child to bear the brunt of managing her DD's behaviour issues.

Original poster
PMDD · 11/10/2013 16:56

the school have form for using the children to manage another child's difficult behaviour. I know of 1 autistic boy in year 3 whose behaviour was managed by putting him with specific boys, those parents requested a change too.

I understand why the school and my friend wanted the situation to continue as there wasn't a problem if the other girl was there. So one way of looking at it is that the other girl didn't ever see the crying hysterics.

I can see both POV but the school hasn't come up with any alternative means of managing my friend's daughter's emotions. They just let her cry.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 11/10/2013 16:58

As the parent of a child who has been on the other side of this sort of attachment (though less extreme), I think you're underestimating how incredibly stressful this can be for the other child. You say that nobody was being hurt by the situation, but my dd used to cry daily about another girl who constantly clung to her. She didn't want to be unkind to the child in question, but she felt utterly suffocated and trapped by her, and eventually I had to speak to the school about it as it was causing her such distress.

I think the school has done the right thing for both children in moving the other child to a different class. The kind of emotional dependence that you describe isn't healthy for either of the girls. Is there a reason why your friend's dd is so anxious?

pictish · 11/10/2013 16:58

Well...that IS unreasonable...but seperating them certainly wasn't.
That seems very extreme behaviour from your friend's dd. Is she anxious generally?