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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this fair of the school on my friend's daughter.

82 replies

PMDD · 11/10/2013 16:36

My friend's child (not mine, honest) has attached herself to one girl in her class. They are both year 1 and age 5. When the other girl is in class/at line up etc. my friend's child is fine and goes into school and lunch and play time etc. happily. However, when the other girl is not in school, for example, illness, my friend's daughter cries hysterically. At lunch time, if her friend isn't there, my friend's daughter sits in with the teacher or TA in class as she is so upset and won't settle down.

This behaviour went on all last year in Reception. The mother of the other girl has decided that my friend's daughter is 'suffocating' her daughter's social development. That the clingy nature of my friend's child means that her girl isn't 'free' to play as she wishes. For this reason, she has asked the school to move her daughter into a different class (there are 3 year 1 classes). The move started this week.

However, my friend's daughter has been so upset and hysterical that she actually vomited at school line up this morning. My friend understand's why the other mother felt the way she did, but the other girl wasn't being hurt or damaged in some way.

I just think the school were unreasonable.

OP posts:

timidviper · 11/10/2013 17:00

What is your friend doing to help her daughter? It is not healthy for anybody at any stage in life to be totally reliant on another person. Presumably this intense friendship is stopping the other child making other friends too and, I'm afraid, I would have done exactly what the other girl' mother has done

Original poster

PMDD · 11/10/2013 17:01

She is very quiet. I can't say whether she is anxious. My children are very loud so she seems extremely quiet to me. She doesn't smile much either. However, the home is normal and happy. Nothing dodgy going on.

OP posts:

Jinsei · 11/10/2013 17:01

The other girl may not have witnessed the hysterical crying, but I'll bet she has felt suffocated by this child nonetheless.

Your friend now needs to forget about this other kid and focus on working in partnership with the school to try and improve her dd's emotional wellbeing and coping mechanisms.

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2013 17:03

It sounds as though your friend's DD has fairly sever emotional/ attachment problems that need to be addressed.

I don't think it's right to expect a 5yr old to deal with this.

pictish · 11/10/2013 17:05

The other girl may not have witnessed the hysterical crying, but I'll bet she has felt suffocated by this child nonetheless.

Absolutely. And I disagree that this other girl wasn't being damaged in any way...anyone who has ever had a clingy, needy, possessive friend will atest to how hard that is...never mind a 5 yr old who has not the emotional maturity to even begin to deal with it. Too much...way way too much.

Spirulina · 11/10/2013 17:06

How do you know the school just leave her to cry?

I bet they don't..

Jinsei · 11/10/2013 17:06

Does your friend recognise that her dd's behaviour is a concern, OP, and that this is an issue that urgently needs addressing?

zatyaballerina · 11/10/2013 17:07

Do you have any idea what it's like to have someone so suffocating and emotionally over attached to you? We wouldn't expect an adult to suffer that in a work (or any other type of) environment, why on earth should a child have to put up with it?

SoupDragon · 11/10/2013 17:07

I also think the school has done the right thing for both girls.

defineme · 11/10/2013 17:08

My eldest has asd and forms obsessive attachments to other children. I specifically ask that he not be put in the same class as these children specifically because it's unfair on them.
Just thought it would help to hear from the other side.

DDDDDORA · 11/10/2013 17:08

YABU. This happened to my DD in reception, another child attached himself to her. It got to a point where she didn't want to go to school as she couldn't do anything by herself or play with anyone else. It was quite distressing for her and was holding her back, I ended up asking for them to be separated and she has come on leaps and bounds and so has the other child.

ihearsounds · 11/10/2013 17:09

Why is it just down to the school to sort this out? Are her parents doing anything at all other than moaning because the school is splitting their daughter from another girl?

Weegiemum · 11/10/2013 17:11

My ds was the "supporting" child in this situation, and we had him moved.

The week of hysterics from the other boy when they were 7 because my ds didn't invite him to his party was the final straw.

It's up to patents and schools to manage this and not involve pupils.

If the girl can't deal with her friend being off to the point of being sick, then there's a psychological issue that has to be dealt with.

It is nothing to do with the child who is supporting the other (without even knowing). They should be protected from this behaviour!!

The mother of the boy who was fixated on my ds still ignores me (rather pointedly) at the school gate. As she does the 3 other parents who's sons also weren't able to support her ds.

You can't ever use children in that way. It's abusive! Luckily (they are now in p7) it seems the boy involved is going to go to a different high school to my ds. I'm mightily relieved!!

Jinsei · 11/10/2013 17:11

I'm curious really as to why you think the school was being unreasonable, OP. What do you think they should have done to manage the situation?

BrokenSunglasses · 11/10/2013 17:17

The school wouldn't have moved a child out of a class just on a parents say so, they will probably have agreed that the move would be best for the child that was moved.

The school was not being unreasonable, and neither you or your friend will know exactly what was going on in school time to have warranted this course of action.

Groovee · 11/10/2013 17:17

I think it's very fair of the school. A very clingy child can make life very hard for the child they cling to.

What are the school and parents doing to resolve her anxiety? That would as a parent be my next step.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2013 17:21

Jinsei

I think from her last post it's that she believes the school used the other girl to support her DD, but then just moved her

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2013 17:22

... without offering other help/advice/support

Pachacuti · 11/10/2013 17:23

"there wasn't a problem if the other girl was there"

Really? What happened if the other girl didn't want to play with your friend's DD? What happened if the other girl wanted to sit with different friends at lunch? When (if) they get put into sets/teaching groups for Maths and English what happens if they aren't in the same classroom?

The school seem very reasonable in splitting the girls up. Your friend's DD probably needs some support, though, but it may be that she needs specialist support at a level the school can't provide -- that's something your friend ought to explore with the school and with her GP.

Finola1step · 11/10/2013 17:23

Agree that the school have done the right thing but probably should have done it from the beginning of term but hindsight is a wonderful thing

The key issue is why your friend's dd behaves in this way.

ObtuseAngel · 11/10/2013 17:23

Actually, I think your friend might be the unreasonable one here. She's not doing her daughter any favours by failing to address this shyness/anxiety. Has she thought about seeking some professional advice? Perhaps something like play therapy or other therapy might be helpful.

The other child is too young to be acting as a sna/therapist. She needs to be able to have a carefree childhood of her own. The needs of each child are equally important, just because your friend's child has very high needs it doesn't mean that others' needs can be totally disregarded.

Jinsei · 11/10/2013 17:26

I think from her last post it's that she believes the school used the other girl to support her DD, but then just moved her

Possibly, Jamie, but she also said in her OP that the other girl wasn't being hurt or damaged in any way, implying that she perhaps thought the situation could be left to continue. But perhaps I have misunderstood.

Jinsei · 11/10/2013 17:27

I think from her last post it's that she believes the school used the other girl to support her DD, but then just moved her

BrokenSunglasses · 11/10/2013 17:31

I understand why the school and my friend wanted the situation to continue as there wasn't a problem if the other girl was there.

If the school wanted it to continue, they wouldn't have moved the other child. They aren't obliged to do what parents tell them to do.

There may not have been a problem for your friends dd if the other girl was there, but it's very small minded of you to assume that means there wasn't a problem at all. It was probably a very big problem for the other five year old. Her mum wouldn't have asked for the move for no reason.

MrsCakesPremonition · 11/10/2013 17:31

My only concern about the school is to wonder why they didn't split the girls up from the start of Y1, instead of waiting until nearly half-term.

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