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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair of the school on my friend's daughter.

82 replies

PMDD · 11/10/2013 16:36

My friend's child (not mine, honest) has attached herself to one girl in her class. They are both year 1 and age 5. When the other girl is in class/at line up etc. my friend's child is fine and goes into school and lunch and play time etc. happily. However, when the other girl is not in school, for example, illness, my friend's daughter cries hysterically. At lunch time, if her friend isn't there, my friend's daughter sits in with the teacher or TA in class as she is so upset and won't settle down.

This behaviour went on all last year in Reception. The mother of the other girl has decided that my friend's daughter is 'suffocating' her daughter's social development. That the clingy nature of my friend's child means that her girl isn't 'free' to play as she wishes. For this reason, she has asked the school to move her daughter into a different class (there are 3 year 1 classes). The move started this week.

However, my friend's daughter has been so upset and hysterical that she actually vomited at school line up this morning. My friend understand's why the other mother felt the way she did, but the other girl wasn't being hurt or damaged in some way.

I just think the school were unreasonable.

OP posts:
Kaekae · 11/10/2013 17:41

I feel for both children but think the school has done the right thing in separating them. Our school has a buddy system for any child struggling with friendships etc. A child with behaviour issues was placed next to my son everyday at school because my son was placid and hardworking, in the end I asked for this to stop because I felt it was unfair on my son. It got too much for him and he was even getting the brunt of the other child's anger.

SockPinchingMonster · 11/10/2013 17:42

Yabu - my daughter in year 1 has a friend who follows her around and won't allow her to play with other children. Their reception teacher picked up on this and tried to split them up a bit because she could see the other girl was stifling my daughter. My dd is often pretty upset that she hasn't been able to play with other children and it really isn't fair on her so I can completely see where the other mum is coming from.
Your friends dd needs to learn to play with other children and the only way to do that is to split her from the other girl - the school has done the right thing.

SatinSandals · 11/10/2013 17:48

I think it is entirely reasonable of the school. What everyone needs to do now is to have strategies to deal with your friend's child who has the problem.

Altinkum · 11/10/2013 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2013 17:57

Jinsei

That's true

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2013 17:58

Jinsei

I meant, what you said is true, not that it's true you have misunderstood Grin

shewhowines · 11/10/2013 18:07

It wouldn't have been an easy decision for the other mum to ask for her dd to change classes. She leaves behind everything that is familiar and good to go into the unknown. Nobody does that without good reason. The mother must have felt the positives far outweighed the negatives to go to such extreme lengths.

It is sad for your friends dd but she needs to be encouraged in her independence. Hopefully it is short term pain for long term gain. It may well end up to be the best for both children.

NotYoMomma · 11/10/2013 18:12

I wouldnt have a problem with that - your friend and the school had to do something! imagine someone totally clinging to you and following you and screaming hysterically for you all the time.

both annoying as an adult and a child

Boaty · 11/10/2013 18:18

I was on the receiving end of this type of friendship as a child all the way from the age of 7 to 13, she called for me at 8 am to walk to school then she had to spend all day with me, then came round after school too. I was suffocated..I made excuses to get out of being with her. When I transferred to the comp at 13 we were separated, but not before the girl was hysterical when she realised we were not in the same class...I think my grandmother may have had something to do with it. The girl then had to look elsewhere. I was relieved!!! We sent a Christmas card to each other for years afterwards but we went our separate ways.
The school are right to do this in my opinion.

kilmuir · 11/10/2013 18:22

Well done the school. Though i am surprised was not done earlier

SoupDragon · 11/10/2013 18:24

I understand why the school and my friend wanted the situation to continue as there wasn't a problem if the other girl was there.

There was a problem and the problem was with the other girl. I doubt her mother asked for her to be moved lightly and clearly the girl has complained about the situation.

LIZS · 11/10/2013 18:29

dd had a friend who was bit like your friends dd. Eventually we didn't need to raise it as such but the teacher recognised our concerns and they were discreetly allocated different classes the next year. Things must have escalated for it to be done mid term.

AllDirections · 11/10/2013 18:48

The way you're talking about this other girl OP it's like you don't see her as a person in her own right, but as an object to ensure that your friend's DD is happy. I'm sure you don't really think that but that's how it's coming across.

cory · 11/10/2013 20:45

Speaking as the parent of a child with anxiety issues I would have thought it was the parent's job to ensure that her dd got treatment for her problems. Laying that on another 5yo seems extremely unreasonable.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/10/2013 21:14

It might seem harsh now but may well be very beneficial in the long run. For both girls.

It's such a shame your friends daughter is struggling but it's not just her needs the school must consider.

MidniteScribbler · 11/10/2013 21:14

It's the parents and teachers job to support students. It's never the job of another student.

iwantanafternoonnap · 11/10/2013 21:23

Jesus if my DS behaved like your friends daughter I'd be doing something about and not blaming another child or the school.

That poor 5 year old who has had a suffocating and awful start to school life

Coveredinweetabix · 11/10/2013 21:28

DD was in the position of the other girl at pre-school and really struggled. She knew that her friend would be sad if she went off and played with other people so she always stayed with him, playing with things he wanted to do rather than doing what she wanted to do. The first term, I didn't mind as thought they were just finding their feet and were both relying on each other, by the second half of the second term though, I was feeling really sorry for DD who'd come home saying things like "A, B and C were playing in the kitchen today and I wanted to play there too but couldn't because X wanted to play with the cars and he would have been sad if I hadn't played with him". Both the staff and I had to do quite a lot of work with DD persuading her that this boy's happiness was not down to her and, whilst it was nice of her to play with him some of the time, she could also do her own thing. In the third term, DD became friends with a couple of little girls and completely changed how she behaved, what she played with etc. I still don't think the little boy's mum have forgiven me.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 11/10/2013 21:31

I hope alot is being done to support your friends daughter and help her learn how to socialise and play with others. It sounds like she is really struggling and I feel for her.

It was right that the other child was moved though.

starlight1234 · 11/10/2013 21:37

My son formed an very unhealthy attachment to another boy and would get very upset if this boy didn't want to play with him..they knew other before school.. The school had to invest a lot of time dealing with my son's issues...
The two now have a much healthier relationship and my son now has a great circle of friends..

At such a young age they need to practise making friends, need more than one friend..she can't do that clinging to one child...So yes I do support the schools descision

Chrysanthemum5 · 11/10/2013 21:46

My DD was in the position of the child who moved class. She wasn't talking to me about it but I noticed she was becoming sad about pre-school. Eventually I got her to talk to me and realised one of the children was so dependent upon her that he was physically trying to hide her so other children couldn't play with her.

I asked the teachers to keep an eye on it, and discuss friendship. That dealt with it, but if it hadn't then I'd have asked for her to move class. I think the school needs to support both children but its not fair to ask a child to be the support for another child.

Turniptwirl · 11/10/2013 22:05

I think the school have acted in the best interests of both children and if anything should have split them up sooner

Your friends dd sounds like she needs support from her parents and school in dealing with friendships and other children. Her behaviour towards the one little girl is not healthy for either child.

PresidentServalan · 11/10/2013 23:08

Your friend's child sounds very intense and it sounds like the school did what was for the best.

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/10/2013 11:18

Poor little girls, both of them! The unreasonable part is why on earth did the school let this roll on so long without addressing it? (Or did they in other ways?) This should have been picked up on months ago and the child given help in other ways, not left to lean on another five year old for support until her mother felt she had to step in and protect her by moving her. I'm desperately sorry for the child who's had her support removed after a whole year of reliance, but if it was my five year old being used as that support I'd have moved them too unless I was guaranteed that something very proactive was happening to improve the situation quickly.

Leaving that child there to enable your friend's child to cope is just putting a temporary plaster over a bigger problem, it's not good for or even kind to either one of them. What happens to your friend's child if this other child gets flu? Moves away? Doesn't want to be her friend any more? The school need to be putting other strategies in place to help this little girl develop the coping skills she needs to feel secure.

pigletmania · 12/10/2013 11:42

I totally agree with the school and parent. This sounds quite extreme, your friends dd needs help to manage her anxieties. Being with this girl all the time at school is not healthy for her or the girl