Was I being tight? So embarrassed!

[InsertBoringName]

The other day DD1 (3) was invited to a birthday party by one on her friends at nursery and I've been a bit bothered and wanted to know if IWBU!

We haven't done any nursery birthday parties before (DD not been there long) so didn't know what to expect! Before the party I took DD to choose a present for her friend. We went to the pound shop and she chose a jigsaw (DD has several of them, they're great value, and a colouring book with crayons) We went to the poundshop for two reasons, partly because I don't have masses of money, but admittedly a good part of it is because I don't believe in spending a lot on pre-schoolers.

I'm honestly not a smug 'my kids get a lump of coal for Christmas and they're grateful for it!' kind of parent! It's just that, at 3, DD can't discern between expensive gifts and cheap so I may as well save some money! I know she'll realise soon enough!

I also got DD to draw a birthday card for her friend rather than buy one. This is because DD asked if she could make one.

After going to the party, I am mortified! All the other parents brought in these massive wrapped boxes! I don't know what was in them but I can only assume they spent a heck of a lot more than mine! And the party bags that were given out at the end had masses of stuff in. Easily £15 worth of things.

A few things are bothering me. Firstly, the birthday boy's mum mentioned in conversation that she works in the pound shop. So she's going to know straight away that I spend precisely £2 on her son

And the other thing is I'm massively torn. My principles are that small children don't need lots of money spent on them. They have no concept and are usually happy with 'toys' in general, regardless of where they come from.

But on the other hand, I don't want to be known as the tight wad. I'm utterly paranoid about the fact that all the other parents will have spent so much more than me. I feel pressured that I should be getting a grander gift for people's kids, even though it's money I could do with spending on my own family.

We are not poor, in that we can pay the bills. But theirs very little money left for frivolous stuff (about £20 a week left, after bills but before new shoes etc) and to be perfectly honest I'd rather spend it on a trip to the swimming pool with my own kids rather than a present for a kid I've never heard of and has no concept of who's bought them it of what they've spent.

Give it to me straight, am I a tightwad cow? If it was your three year old would you be pissed off at that as a present? Especially if you'd spent circa £25 per child for the party?

no yanbu, I suggested pound shop stickers when a mum asked me what dd wanted, but she got expensive gifts instead.

Not sure if this has already been said (have skim read the thread) but if the mother had great party bags maybe she got free/discounted stuff at the pound store and that's why they were so good?

Don't worry about it, the children won't remember.

OP, if you were a true tightwad, you wouldn't be asking yourself these questions, as true tightwads usually have very little insight into how tight they are. So just to reassure you, you are not!

Also, I think the presents are fine. I used to have a habit of being a bit show-offy (even though I didn't have the money), but it was just that - showing off.

Oh, and if the child's mother works in the Pound Shop, I imagine that money is not in abundance in their house, either.

DS1's "friends" are the ones we met during his pregnancy, so the birthdays are clustered together, particularly into one month. We mutually agreed a £5 cap on presents last time which was really useful. At 5 parties in a month, it still stacked up, but you can get great things for young children on a tight budget, and there is no added value to them in splashing out.

Sunbeams, from a practical point of view, and I am to admit this, but in the post party frenzy I didn't actually keep track of who gave what (each time I start with good intentions for thank you notes). I have just sent an MNer a thank you text for her family's gifts, which did stick in my mind as they were played with all that evening. I've remembered bits of the others but I certainly didn't notice if anyone gave a gift that was particularly expensive, particularly cheap or none at all. Bad of me I know but I can't be the only one.

Actually now I'm thinking about it I wonder if I could cobble together a list and send proper thank yous.I always feel so guilty for not doing it.

DD got a thank you yday that said birthday child had ripped off all the wrapping before opening the,cards... I laughed, not bothered that it was a non-specific thank you.

(and op the gift we sent cost £2)

The great thing about children that age is the thrill of receiving and opening a gift. They have no concept of monetary value. Not unreasonable at all for you to go to PoundLand for the gift. I wouldn't judge you.

It's up to parents what they spend on hosting. One invites friends to share fun; no expectation of a gift. I think I'd be touched that you'd brought one at all.

That said, I was a bit when, after thoughtfully choosing (not cheap) gifts for my friend's DC, I ended up ill with norovirus while pregnant (they'd been very unwell but still held the party and prepared food - I would've felt rude for cancelling as they'd arranged entertainment as well) and then just a belated text for my own DD's birthday. DD would've been thrilled with a card - a text not so much.

call me a cynic but I think birthdays along with many other celebrations I.e valentines day are primarily commercial creations.

As for kids birthday parties kids in nursery. The whole point of giving presents is you give it from your own money with love. A nursery child doesn't have money, so effectively their parents are buying the gifts it's bull.

If I celebrated birthdays I'd hold a party for my child just with good food and I would make it clear cards only no gifts. What 4 year old can afford a gift anyway? Unless it's something homemade.

Then the whole thing with parental guilt, having to out do the next parent. Doesn't the same thing occur when adults have birthday parties. Why is their an overriding obligation to provide a gift and people throwing their own parties. Screams to me selfishness and greed.

People should give because they want to not through any sort of obligation and

So back to your question I don't think its unreasonable, don't give it a second thought. I think other parents are out giving such expensive gifts. How long have they known the recipient a year or two at the most it's nursery for heavens sake not big school.

I remember in the nursery my daughter went to one parent invited the entire nursery class not because she wanted to but she felt she was obliged didn't want to offend parents and kids point made.

I usually spend £10 on a gift for DCs friends but always look out for suitable gifts in sales/3 for 2 offers etc. I don't think most children have any concept of what things cost, just like opening presents and are often more pleased with the cheaper items! However, I really hate the £5 in an envelope gift. It's sooooo lazy and as these mums have kids the same age, they must have at least a general idea what might be suitable. Younger kids don't have much concept about money and miss out on the excitement of opening a present. I was really shocked the first time this happened (age 5).

My dc's quite like getting money in an envelope.

I'm always grateful when people give my children small things. Larger gifts just make me feel embarrassed.

My dc bloody love money in an envelope and get great pleasure from totting up the total. It's educational innit .

Tbh I buy all party presents from discount places. Like The Book People , The Works etc..... So the gifts can say RRP £10 but actually are sold in these places for £2-3..... So maybe done of the other presents were bought this way too..... Don't worry at all, it really is the thought that counts.

Personally I never understand party bags either as most of the stuff is total tout. Last birthday for DD I did stickers and balloons. No normal person will judge your birthday present because they suspect it is from the pound store

not at all. if they are that up their own arses that they care how much you spent and not just happy that you showed up and did something nice then that's their problem not yours.

i bought a christmas present for my friends son yesterday, it was 10p but i know he'll like it and use it so i wont spend more for the sake of it.

DD1 attended a nursery in a very wealthy part of the city. We didn't live there but it was next to my work. So for the first 4 years of her life she was on a party circuit where parents thought nothing of dropping £40 on birthday presents (I spotted something DD received in ToysRUs for £39.99!!!!). One Xmas she even went to a party where each child was given a stocking with a Steiff teddy bear (plus other stuff).
Meanwhile I limited presents to £5, and our parties were cheap and cheerful in a field. But you know what? She never stopped receiving invites. Some of those children even remained friends after they left nursery. Which I take as a sign that the parents weren't offended by our presents. They just cared about whether DD was a nice child who their DCs enjoyed the company of.

My dcs love getting money!

Nope. You're not right. Those other parents may have done what I do and stock up on offer presents. I got a £20 set for £5 the other week. Big box, looks good. Doesn't break my budget for the dc's friends.

Yes I love throwing parties but it is the present bit which makes me uncomfortable. My dh's friend bought our DS a swing for his bday so at least £40 there. Very much appreciated & overly generous but I accepted it in the spirit it was given in.

DD got a notepad and felt tips from B&M bargains at her party yesterday. Bloody loves it. The book is half full of drawings already. I bloody love the fact it isn't princessy, plastic shitty little pieces of counting crap

I do cheap presents too. DD is quite popular (unlike her mother who is socially awkward) I can't afford to spend £15-20 per party invite. I aim around the fiver mark and get DD to tell me what the friend actually likes.

Arsing, prim iPad that should be "cunting crap"

YANBU.

DD1 has had 2 birthday parties since she started school. I'd say most of the presents she received cost around a fiver. I also take DD1 into Pound Shop or local Boyes (love that place) give her a few quid and let her pick her friends presents. Gives the kids more to unwrap, and lets face it, most kids love the unwrapping part more than the actual gifts themselves (or is that just my kids?)

YANBU OP, what you have done is what I have always done and will continue to do dd is 7 and still makes cards as that is what she likes to do for her friends. I still manage to either find enough in the pound shop or I buy cheep books from the market for birthday presents.

I wouldn't worry what anyone else does. My dd is always happy with what her friends give her because they are from her friends. No one else's opinions or expectations matter to her.