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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I being tight? So embarrassed!

126 replies

InsertBoringName · 10/10/2013 15:14

The other day DD1 (3) was invited to a birthday party by one on her friends at nursery and I've been a bit bothered and wanted to know if IWBU!

We haven't done any nursery birthday parties before (DD not been there long) so didn't know what to expect! Before the party I took DD to choose a present for her friend. We went to the pound shop and she chose a jigsaw (DD has several of them, they're great value, and a colouring book with crayons) We went to the poundshop for two reasons, partly because I don't have masses of money, but admittedly a good part of it is because I don't believe in spending a lot on pre-schoolers.

I'm honestly not a smug 'my kids get a lump of coal for Christmas and they're grateful for it!' kind of parent! It's just that, at 3, DD can't discern between expensive gifts and cheap so I may as well save some money! I know she'll realise soon enough!

I also got DD to draw a birthday card for her friend rather than buy one. This is because DD asked if she could make one.

After going to the party, I am mortified! All the other parents brought in these massive wrapped boxes! I don't know what was in them but I can only assume they spent a heck of a lot more than mine! And the party bags that were given out at the end had masses of stuff in. Easily £15 worth of things.

A few things are bothering me. Firstly, the birthday boy's mum mentioned in conversation that she works in the pound shop. So she's going to know straight away that I spend precisely £2 on her son Blush

And the other thing is I'm massively torn. My principles are that small children don't need lots of money spent on them. They have no concept and are usually happy with 'toys' in general, regardless of where they come from.

But on the other hand, I don't want to be known as the tight wad. I'm utterly paranoid about the fact that all the other parents will have spent so much more than me. I feel pressured that I should be getting a grander gift for people's kids, even though it's money I could do with spending on my own family.

We are not poor, in that we can pay the bills. But theirs very little money left for frivolous stuff (about £20 a week left, after bills but before new shoes etc) and to be perfectly honest I'd rather spend it on a trip to the swimming pool with my own kids rather than a present for a kid I've never heard of and has no concept of who's bought them it of what they've spent.

Give it to me straight, am I a tightwad cow? If it was your three year old would you be pissed off at that as a present? Especially if you'd spent circa £25 per child for the party?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 11/10/2013 10:25

Whoops CHOC bar

Bloody iPhone - always changes CHOC for cock Grin

3birthdaybunnies · 11/10/2013 10:25

They don't have cock bars in our poundland except around Valentines day or maybe I just haven't looked closely enough.

HorryIsUpduffed · 11/10/2013 10:37

I'm all about the Book People for party presents. My heart sinks when one of the DCs has a birthday party because we don't have room for lots of presents. I wish I could say "no presents please" but they do like opening them Sad

Looking forward to the days of just having one or two friends for a party, not a roomful. Whole-class parties are obscene for gifts though.

Floggingmolly · 11/10/2013 10:50

She won't have spent £15 on party bags. The bags for our last party, the 6 year olds, contained a Trash Pack bin, Moshi Monster figure, Power Ranger mini figure, Football mini figure, amongst the usual sweets and balloons etc.
The kids were estatic, and so was I - Sainsburys had the lot on it's clearance shelf for 19p each Grin. Each bag came in at around £1.50, and ds2's party bags are now legendary...

Floggingmolly · 11/10/2013 10:51

ecstatic, that would be...

chocoluvva · 11/10/2013 12:21

Re - getting a houseful of presents - I do wonder if it encourages children to be careless with their things. And it gets to the point where they can't use/play with it all anyway. They forget about things/have more than one of the same thing/break it.....

DeWe · 11/10/2013 12:33

I once had a parent hand over a small bag of sweets apologising it was so small. I felt bad that she had felt she had to get anything, I, nor dd would have minded at all, she was just thrilled her friend came.
A cheap well thought out present (which it sounds like yours was) is worth much more than an expensive present that they get out of the packet and never use.

IHaveA · 11/10/2013 12:39

My kids used to go to loads of parties but I shopped carefully for presents so it didn't cost a mint. I remember buying about 15 quite large Lego packs for very, very little. I can't remember the cost now I am ancient but there were something like 90% off but were great sets.

The kids slowly gave them out at different parties much to the delight of the recipients.

defineme · 11/10/2013 12:40

If she works there, I'd be surprised if she's snooty about what it sells, and I'd be even more surprised if the party bag contents didn't come from there with a generous staff discount and cost a lot less than you think.

I really wouldn't worry about it, people can spend what they like whether it be £50 or £3 and anyone who judges isn't worth knowing.

Tanith · 11/10/2013 12:43

I think anyone who would mind isn't worth worrying about, tbh.

Ages ago, my DS was invited to a party and I had no money at all: we hadn't been paid. I ransacked my cupboards and made up some home-made sensory playdough - 3 colours.
I'm quite sure they thought I was tight, too, and it probably went straight in the bin. I felt embarrassed at the time but, really, there's no shame in having no money.

MummyPig24 · 11/10/2013 12:46

I don't think its tight. We are really, really pushed for money so I don't spend over £5 on a classmates birthday present.

Ds is going to a party tomorrow and I bought the girl a famous 5 annual for £4. It looks great and I know she will love it.

Parties can be expensive when your child has one a week so I wouldn't worry, a lot of parents are in the same boat as you.

Chocovore · 11/10/2013 13:04

I think it was absolutely fine OP.

Vivienne, don't know what planet you are on but I certainly don't plan on joining you. Unwritten rule? Perhaps for materialistic people only.

MoominMammasHandbag · 11/10/2013 13:11

I hate it when the kids get masses of birthday presents; even decent stuff like Lego, they have so much of it anyway. I would love to say "No presents, donations to the NSPCC please" but I imagine people would think we were odd or something.
DS's best friend always buys him something very expensive and thoughtful (£25 plus) and though I feel a bit mean, I am determined not to reciprocate as I don't want to start going down that route. I have tactfully tried to say to the mum that she is being too generous but she just brushes it off.
Your present sounds fine OP. Small and disposable are the sort of presents I like. At the moment we are giving T shirts as presents.

mumteedum · 11/10/2013 13:48

I'm such an old gimmer, we didn't have party bags when I was young and all these expensive kids parties in soft play centres. They're lovely and all that, BUT at the mo DS only goes to a couple a year. It'll be one a week before we know it and we're stretched enough as it is. Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. Mum sounded nice as do you.

Also, there are loads of good offers on toys don't forget. Argos 2 for £15 so maybe if some parents only get an occasional party this is an ok spend for them? Just took a lovely gift to friend last week which LOOKED expensive but was in fact £7.50. Same with supermarket deals etc.

If DS is anything to go by, some of the big flashy gifts he's had have been ones he's less into. Give him a little car for £1 and he's chuffed at the mo :)

moldingsunbeams · 11/10/2013 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breatheslowly · 11/10/2013 17:08

Sunbeams - I'd be gutted if someone didn't come to DD's party because they couldn't afford a present. It just doesn't matter whether a child brings a present - it's being there and being part of the party that matters. I understand that it might be awkward to turn up empty handed and would happily sort something out so you didn't have to. Obvioulsy it is a difficult conversation to have. TBH DD has received lovely gifts for her birthday, but would have loved 50p worth of sweets even more.

Donkeyok · 11/10/2013 19:05

Sunbeams I hope you are sorted now Shock

TiredFeet · 11/10/2013 19:22

Yanbu. I had similar, we bought some matchbox cars and a picture book for his friends 3rd birthday, turned up at a party and everyone was carrying huge big presents, toy helicopters etc that were nearly as big as the child! I felt so embarrassed. But actually I don't think the mum minded in the slightest, she's certainly given no indication she did

If you came to my child's party with that gift I would be thrilled! He has far too much stuff already, and jigsaws are great as they don't take up too much space, and he spends ages playing with them and he certainly couldn't give two hoots whether they came from poundland or harrods!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/10/2013 19:29

sunbeams - sorry to hear you've had such a crap time :( How are things now?

Please don't let your DC miss any more parties because you can't take a present - really, it's not important (and if anyone thinks it is, then they aren't worth knowing anyway!). The VAST majority of us just want the Birthday Child to have a good time and that means FUN with their friends - they'd be sad not to have a friend there, not getting a present isn't a big deal at all.

moldingsunbeams · 11/10/2013 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Levantine · 11/10/2013 19:49

The ONLY present I can remember a child bringing to any birthday party of mine is a box of maltesers. I would be really upset if a child didn't come to a party because their parents couldn't afford a present.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 11/10/2013 19:55

PArty bags would have been from work and maybe with a staff discount!

A good present Is a good present regardless of cost

SeaSickSal · 11/10/2013 20:00

She couldn't really avoid mentioning where she works in general small talk could she?

The presents were very nice. Having DD write a card was particularly thoughtful.

In my opinion most people who are worth knowing will just be grateful that you've bought yourselves and a little token.

Throwing parties should always be about the pleasure of spending time with people you like, not about accruing presents.

TiredFeet · 11/10/2013 22:44

I agree seasick I have invited people to my sons party because we want them to come and have a lovely time with him. If I could I would say 'no presents' but I don't quite dare! I wouldn't want anyone to feel they couldn't come because they couldn't afford a present, or even to be stressed about finding the time to sort a present etc.

deakymom · 11/10/2013 23:25

it wouldnt bother me getting a gift from the poundshop for my child ive had a fair few parties and her gifts have ranged from expensive £30 china dolls to nothing at all im sure it will be fine xx