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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being tight? So embarrassed!

126 replies

InsertBoringName · 10/10/2013 15:14

The other day DD1 (3) was invited to a birthday party by one on her friends at nursery and I've been a bit bothered and wanted to know if IWBU!

We haven't done any nursery birthday parties before (DD not been there long) so didn't know what to expect! Before the party I took DD to choose a present for her friend. We went to the pound shop and she chose a jigsaw (DD has several of them, they're great value, and a colouring book with crayons) We went to the poundshop for two reasons, partly because I don't have masses of money, but admittedly a good part of it is because I don't believe in spending a lot on pre-schoolers.

I'm honestly not a smug 'my kids get a lump of coal for Christmas and they're grateful for it!' kind of parent! It's just that, at 3, DD can't discern between expensive gifts and cheap so I may as well save some money! I know she'll realise soon enough!

I also got DD to draw a birthday card for her friend rather than buy one. This is because DD asked if she could make one.

After going to the party, I am mortified! All the other parents brought in these massive wrapped boxes! I don't know what was in them but I can only assume they spent a heck of a lot more than mine! And the party bags that were given out at the end had masses of stuff in. Easily £15 worth of things.

A few things are bothering me. Firstly, the birthday boy's mum mentioned in conversation that she works in the pound shop. So she's going to know straight away that I spend precisely £2 on her son Blush

And the other thing is I'm massively torn. My principles are that small children don't need lots of money spent on them. They have no concept and are usually happy with 'toys' in general, regardless of where they come from.

But on the other hand, I don't want to be known as the tight wad. I'm utterly paranoid about the fact that all the other parents will have spent so much more than me. I feel pressured that I should be getting a grander gift for people's kids, even though it's money I could do with spending on my own family.

We are not poor, in that we can pay the bills. But theirs very little money left for frivolous stuff (about £20 a week left, after bills but before new shoes etc) and to be perfectly honest I'd rather spend it on a trip to the swimming pool with my own kids rather than a present for a kid I've never heard of and has no concept of who's bought them it of what they've spent.

Give it to me straight, am I a tightwad cow? If it was your three year old would you be pissed off at that as a present? Especially if you'd spent circa £25 per child for the party?

OP posts:
HenriettaPye · 10/10/2013 15:44

£15 on a party bag?? What was in them?

Makes my balloon, pencil, freddo bar and piece of cake look like nothing GrinGrin

NotYouNaanBread · 10/10/2013 15:48

DD1 (4) was invited to a birthday party recently and the invitation clearly asked us NOT to bring a present. So I didn't. But out of the 30 children invited about 8 or so HAD bought presents and they were there on the table, beautifully wrapped with cards etc. I can only hope that they were from parents who are good friends with the birthday child's parents, because they didn't have a pound shop air to them. :/

I was v. embarrassed though, and it only crossed my mind now as I write this that they were probably from good friends rather than some people ignoring the specification on the invitation.

Donkeyok · 10/10/2013 15:49

My dd loves making cards and can spend an hour making lovely ones, in fact now she is pushed for time as she's older and the novelty has worn off she is wanting me to buy some. (so make the most of it). I found the other mums full of admiration that I had thought of doing this and supervised it. My ds had a party where he got only 2 nice presents and a load of tat from the pound shop, it felt a little sad coz we've always made the effort to find good and value presents for others. We dropped them off at the charity shop coz I agree they have too many presents. If all the others were giving big presents then it doesn't matter getting a smaller one. My ds would have loved a jigsaw at that age.

Pawprint · 10/10/2013 15:57

Of course you weren't being a tightwad - I never spent more than a couple of quid on presents for very young children.

tracypenisbeaker · 10/10/2013 16:00

Howstricks Grin
I could pick up some stick-on gems while I'm there and really go to town

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/10/2013 16:04

Suspect the stuff in the party bags was from the pound shop if she works there so probably cost less than you think.

tracypenisbeaker · 10/10/2013 16:05

NotYouNaanBread You bring a really good point to light... a pre-schooler doesn't need all those presents to begin with!

Poledra · 10/10/2013 16:07

I have only once been bothered by a gift that someone brought for one of my DCs at their birthday party and that was because I felt it was too expensive! DH and I both felt a bit uncomfortable - we rationalised it to ourselves by saying that maybe it was a regift of something the other child had received 2 of on their own birthday.

So, no, I wouldn't be pissed off and my DCs would have been more than happy with a jigsaw and a colouring book.

loopylou6 · 10/10/2013 16:10

yanbu. I do however need to know what was in the party bags.

OliverBoliverButt33 · 10/10/2013 16:10

Honestly, it's fine. Truly.

Those big boxes are probably not containing anything that wonderful anyway.

Never once throughout my DS's childhood did he get an expensive gift at a party and he loved everything anyway. I don't think there are many parents who go mad and spend a fortune.

Your gift was absolutely fine. Stop worrying :)

mumofweeboys · 10/10/2013 16:20

I usually spend £5 for a party but try and get stuff on sale. I got some great Lego sets worth £10 for about £3. I like to give a quality gift. If your dd chose something she would like then I'm sure the party girl would too.

Couple these other parents be friends of the mum so they brought more expensive gifts. This happened at ds nursery as we were new to the area but lots of the mums had grown up together, so tight friendship group of mums, naturally they are going to spend more.

Fifibluebell · 10/10/2013 16:24

No! Definitely not tight for a child you don't know! I know a lady who said she was only having a party for her DC because you get more presents Shock I didn't go to the party because of that but I did give a 20p card with the price label left on Smile

It was my sons 2nd birthday last month and a friend of mine probably spent £60 on him!! I only know because I have seen the items in the shop before. I didn't spend that much on him myself. She has a DC who's birthday is this month I cannot spend that much but I do feel pressured that whatever I do get is not enough! She is a very very good friend though not a random nursery person I have never seen but I will only spend £20 I just can't afford to spend more she probably won't even be bothered I just feel a bit mean as she spoilt him!

chocoluvva · 10/10/2013 16:33

I think you're very sensible OP!

Also, as the DC get older your house gets more and more cluttered and you begin to look at the piles of plastic, kindly bought as presents in dismay.

I suffered from the same problem as you when my two were little - it goes against the grain with me to lavish money on presents for little ones for all the reasons you said - and at that age they outgrow toys so quickly - but I didn't want to look mean.....

The Book People are your friends - really good quality books greatly discounted.

It was rare for any little party hosts to get something that wasn't from a sale (or re-gifted).

chocoluvva · 10/10/2013 16:35

We gave lots of home-made cards too.

DS got a homemade card from his 12YO friend on his 13th birthday! It was very funny and personal.

MillyONaire · 10/10/2013 16:43

when dd was that age and up to (but not including her 6th as she had a very strong opinion against mine by that stage!) I used to invite with no presents please. Some people ignored it but the vast majority abided by my wishes as her grandparents and we gave her what she wanted/needed. For DC#2 we just haven't bothered having parties beyond family. He'll be five soon and isn't bothered - he'll cotton onto the parties mean presents soon enough. Maybe start a trend in your area OP by specifying no presents for your dd's 4th!

Jinty64 · 10/10/2013 16:44

I spend £7 - £10 on a party gift. I do try to get gifts when I see them in sales or re gift things. Ds3 (7) had a "whole class party" for his 6th birthday and I would say all the gifts were within this price range so I think it's the norm here. I would not have thought anything of it if one of the gifts had cost less. I would have assumed that was what you could afford to spend. I think cards are a waste of money and home made is better than bought.

CecilyP · 10/10/2013 16:51

I think what you spent on the party present was absolutely normal and you wouldn't have given it another thought if others had done the same. Of course you might spend more for something they particularly want for a special child, say a niece or a child of a close friend, but for I party, I don't think so. And £15 for a party bag seems an awful lot - they are usually some cake and a few bits and pieces. The party is usually the thing - not the presents.

wigglesrock · 10/10/2013 16:57

I think that is absolutely fine for that age group. I always do a big shop of Poundland colouring books & sticker books Smile. My dds always get their stationery bits & pieces from there.

With regard to the party bags, I wouldn't worry - maybe she had a whole load of stuff she had picked up along the way. My dd had a birthday party for her 6th birthday and I had got a whole load of Hello Kitty little figures in bags which looked really dear - 35p in Home Bargains Smile. So I wouldn't judge her on the party bags, but honestly colouring books & jigsaws are great presents at that preschool age.

havatry · 10/10/2013 17:06

I do spend more on birthday presents for dc's friends - but mine don't go to many parties - they're quite shy and generally only have one or two friends. If it's our party, we have a few round so again, I'd probably spend a bit more on party bags because there are only 4 or 5 coming and we have them at home, so don't spend the £12 a head at a soft play centre or similar. But I wouldn't bat an eyelid at what anybody else spent on a present. I think the birthday dc would be very happy with your present.

Retroformica · 10/10/2013 17:15

The gift is an exchange for the party. I think a cheapie gift (unless you are utterly strapped for cash) is quite rude. I'm not saying you need to go crazy with gifts though either. We are not rolling in cash but mostly buy gifts when they are on offer or bulk buy nice quality books from the book people. We tend to spend between 4 and 8 pounds depending on how close my child is to the party girl/boy.

I've never bought a pound shop Toy as a birthday gift. Only ever use pooundshop items as stocking fillers at Xmas really - bubblebaths etc. The pound shop only really sell tat anyway.

Homemade cards are a great way to cut costs. I think you can still keep costs low but give special well thought out gifts.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 10/10/2013 17:21

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable amount & lovely gifts too.

I need to know what was in the party bags

mysticminstrel · 10/10/2013 17:24

Yanbu but i'd worry about looking tight too!!

For info, I stock upon presents in home bargins where you can get branded stuff for far less than the rrp. Also supermarkets often have clearance stuff - I have a cupboard full of play doh sets from sainsburys atm reduced from 12.99 to 2.99.

Fakebook · 10/10/2013 17:58

Yanbu. I have a £5-6 max limit (depending how good a friend party boy/girl is Wink) when it comes to birthday presents now.

I was actually the opposite when dd was a pre schooler. I'd spend about £10 on gifts only to get to the party and see that when presents were opened others had only bought smaller and cheaper things.

So now I buy everything from TK MAXX. You can get good quality craft type gifts for £3-6. I like the Melissa and Doug wooden crafty packs there.

Fakebook · 10/10/2013 18:00

I also buy 8 pack birthday cards for £1 from ASDA. We never have enough time to make cards.

Original poster
InsertBoringName · 10/10/2013 18:28

Thank you for the replies! Glad it seems INBT (I'm not being tight!) Some great tips re. book people and tk maxx, thanks!

Party bags were lovely, there were about three (largeish) colouring books, several sweeties (chomp, curly wurly, haribo etc), crayola crayons, a 'surprise' bag (I used to get them as a treat sometime in the newsagent's when I was a child) with a toy and sweets in, one of these princesses (one princess, not the whole pack!!), two pots of bubble mixture, and a few other bits I've forgotten!

OP posts: