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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being tight? So embarrassed!

126 replies

InsertBoringName · 10/10/2013 15:14

The other day DD1 (3) was invited to a birthday party by one on her friends at nursery and I've been a bit bothered and wanted to know if IWBU!

We haven't done any nursery birthday parties before (DD not been there long) so didn't know what to expect! Before the party I took DD to choose a present for her friend. We went to the pound shop and she chose a jigsaw (DD has several of them, they're great value, and a colouring book with crayons) We went to the poundshop for two reasons, partly because I don't have masses of money, but admittedly a good part of it is because I don't believe in spending a lot on pre-schoolers.

I'm honestly not a smug 'my kids get a lump of coal for Christmas and they're grateful for it!' kind of parent! It's just that, at 3, DD can't discern between expensive gifts and cheap so I may as well save some money! I know she'll realise soon enough!

I also got DD to draw a birthday card for her friend rather than buy one. This is because DD asked if she could make one.

After going to the party, I am mortified! All the other parents brought in these massive wrapped boxes! I don't know what was in them but I can only assume they spent a heck of a lot more than mine! And the party bags that were given out at the end had masses of stuff in. Easily £15 worth of things.

A few things are bothering me. Firstly, the birthday boy's mum mentioned in conversation that she works in the pound shop. So she's going to know straight away that I spend precisely £2 on her son Blush

And the other thing is I'm massively torn. My principles are that small children don't need lots of money spent on them. They have no concept and are usually happy with 'toys' in general, regardless of where they come from.

But on the other hand, I don't want to be known as the tight wad. I'm utterly paranoid about the fact that all the other parents will have spent so much more than me. I feel pressured that I should be getting a grander gift for people's kids, even though it's money I could do with spending on my own family.

We are not poor, in that we can pay the bills. But theirs very little money left for frivolous stuff (about £20 a week left, after bills but before new shoes etc) and to be perfectly honest I'd rather spend it on a trip to the swimming pool with my own kids rather than a present for a kid I've never heard of and has no concept of who's bought them it of what they've spent.

Give it to me straight, am I a tightwad cow? If it was your three year old would you be pissed off at that as a present? Especially if you'd spent circa £25 per child for the party?

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 10/10/2013 18:38

Shoah! That's loads. Shock

PrincessFlirtyPants · 10/10/2013 18:38

*whoah

breatheslowly · 10/10/2013 20:38

It all sounds crazy. We spend between £5 and £10 on a present for DD's friends (which is affordable for us). We live in the sticks, so no pound shop or similar round here. I love the tips about buying multipacks of cards. I didn't know you could get them and it make so much sense as £2 on a card is a real waste.

persimmon · 10/10/2013 20:44

Don't worry - I was shocked after DS' first proper party (4) at the expensive gifts some people had given. It's not a transaction though - " we've spent X on the party so you have to spend X on the gift!"
Kids often love cheap stuff just as much if not more than the swanky gifts IME.

YoureBeingADick · 10/10/2013 20:52

Well aside from the fact that i agree with you- young dcs cant tell nor do they care how much something cost, who cares if people think you're a tightwad? Maybe you are, maybe you arent- does it matter? You make your decisions based on your own financial circumstances just like every single other person does. Dont justify your spending to people who shouldnt have a say in it. If they think you're tight? So what? People think alot of things about you that you never know about. So even if they do think it? Well no-one's going to say it to you. Stop stressing- there are far more important things to spend your cash on than a 3 year old's birthday.

timeforahaircut · 10/10/2013 21:05

If you've a Card Factory shop near you, they do 10 cards for £1 frequently. I stock up on those for both children and adult birthdays.

Your present sounds fine to me. I actually get quite offended by party bags that contain proper books - it seems to up the ante of spend, spend, spend. If the host is giving you a party bag containing the usual stuff plus a book, then you feel the present needs to be better. I won't buy into it.

Best present my DD got at her recent party was secondhand/hand me down. The child giving it to her had loved it and outgrown it and wanted DD to have it and DD thinks it's the best thing ever. The fact that her friend used to own it makes it extra special to her and it cost the parents nothing - win win!

hermioneweasley · 10/10/2013 21:11

She won't even register who gave what.

And size of wrapped present doesn't correlate with quality, or how much the kid receiving it enjoys it.

mameulah · 10/10/2013 21:23

You sound lovely. And a very good role model for your child, and the other parents.

iwantanafternoonnap · 10/10/2013 22:02

I massively overcompensate on my DS birthday with entertainer, the food and too much stuff in party bags. I do it because I had such a hideous birth and time after it that I need to change how I view his birth. Plus his dad has nothing to do with.

I would not think twice about what presents are bought for my DS all I care about is that kids turn up, enjoy themselves and my DS feels special for his birthday. Don't worry about what you bought.

Hunfriend · 10/10/2013 22:09

When my DS was little his BEST pressie ever was a small box of Maltesers.
He still goes on about it 10 years later.

Don't worry OP Smile

Scarifying · 10/10/2013 22:11

YANBU and if I had been the birthday kids mum I wouldn't have thought anything of it and I can gaurentee the birthday child won't have noticed. Smile

When my kids were primary school age they absolutely loved making up loot bags for their parties. It was one of their favourite bits of their birthdays. I wouldn't read anything into being given a fancy loot bag.

chocoluvva · 11/10/2013 09:33

One year I gave out loot bags stuffed with things I'd bought in sales over the past few months. I kept forgetting about stuff I'd bought. When it came to the birthday I couldn't resist using it all. Blush

quoteunquote · 11/10/2013 09:47

OP, that was totally fine, I much prefer when people give my children presents like that, I hate it when people over spend, it makes me feel awkward.

Children get give a ridiculous amount of stuff these days and I don't think the vast amount of money being spent is wise.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/10/2013 09:51

Not being right at all - just practical

Tbh kids love toys from pound shop - and they do lovely
Books /jigsaw / play dough / dressing up stuff etc there

I'm A nanny and often buy toys from 99p and kids love them

Yes some stuff from 99p are plastic tat that breaks - or get given in a party bag so you end up chucking it - one party we went to the 4yr I looked after got a barbie doll in it - she was thrilled and I know it came from 99p shop and didn't bother me

Balloon bubbles cock bar and put of cake is fine for a party bag

KittiesInsane · 11/10/2013 09:54

Cock bar? Sounds like an interesting party Blondes...

Viviennemary · 11/10/2013 09:55

I think £2 was a bit of a meagre amount to spend. Probabaly around £5 would have been more acceptable. But I certainly don't agree with spending a lot of money when you don't know the child well.

YoureBeingADick · 11/10/2013 10:01

How would £5 be more acceptable than £3 vivienne?

Genuine question- im interested in your logic and how you've come to that figure?

Viviennemary · 11/10/2013 10:05

Well there is a kind of unwritten rule for these things. Otherwise the OP wouldn't be asking as she would think spending £2 was fine. So around £5 I would have thought.

YoureBeingADick · 11/10/2013 10:10

Ive never heard of an unwritten rule. Why is it set at £5 for everyone? Confused People have all sorts of different financial situations, mixed in with age of child, relationship with child, interests of child.

Kiwiinkits · 11/10/2013 10:10

No cock bars in my party bag please Wink

nokidshere · 11/10/2013 10:13

I have some lovely big boxes of stuff to wrap for birthday/Christmas pressies and I am sure they will look impressive. And so they should! I am very pleased with the £139 worth of goods I got for the grand total of £39.50 Grin in The Toyshop sale recently. I bought 11 items which means I spent an average £3.59 per item - some of them were reduced from as much as £15.

Maybe other parents do the same?

If I cant get bargains £5 is my max limit!

Kiwiinkits · 11/10/2013 10:14

In response to the OP, I couldn't give two hoots about the value of Dd's gifts. I often put a request for handmedowns on party invites: dd doesn't care that things are secondhand, it's better for the environment and it doesn't cost the invitee anything. Win win win

SPBisResisting · 11/10/2013 10:19

15pds of stuff in a party bag Shock

I have had a few children s parties and presents range in apparent value I think. The children seem to love every single one. My favourites are colouring books or boxes of maltesers as they take up no room in the very messy playroom! But I have issues.
Ive been to parties before where ive felt silly for spending too much and the opposite. I think most of us have done this.

SPBisResisting · 11/10/2013 10:22

The gift is not an exchange for the party. Im shocked anyone thinks like that. You host the party because you want your child to have fun with their friends and when theyre primary age they love all the planning and preparation for "my party". People bring gifts because it is a social nicetie and to wish the birthday boy or girl happy birthday. Nothing more to it!

3birthdaybunnies · 11/10/2013 10:22

I usually spend around £5 but agree some of their jigsaws are great. Are you sure the party bags were actually worth £15 and she hadn't just had first dibs in the poundshop?

I was somewhat mortified though when one of two little presents dd1 gave at an early party was identical to the present in the pass the parcel!! Dd1 noticed too and went on about it for ages!