To ask you all how to make our mornings easier? DH incapable of timing things correctly

[ICameOnTheJitney]

DH doesn't start work till' 11.00am so he does the school run. I work from home and begin about 9.30. The school is almost 2 miles away through country lanes and they ride bikes. DD aged 9 has her own bike and DD aged 5 is on a tagalong.

Now...I do my bit...I get up first, make the packed lunches and help DDs with clothing and bags....I do their breakfast and hair etc.

DH gets up, spends ages making elaborate toasts (mini gourmet toasts) and then stands in the kitchen eating them while I do the last minute checks with the DDs. Then without fail, we all have a row because he's wasted a load of time and panics and gets grumpy because he's annoyed that one DD can't find her helmet or the other is moaning about her socks or whatever and we all spend the last 5 minutes arguing.

I HATE that he can't seem to get ready on time and he last night admitted he was too slow and said he'd change...he also suggested a good idea which was to stop blurring the lines of which parent was in charge, we'd sort of "hand over" when it came to coat, bag and helmet time....I thought this sounded excellent and tried to do it this morning and he STILL failed to get out for 20 past which is the time we them need to leave.

He always gets annoyed with one DD...whichever one is most grumpy or slow...and I get annoyed because if he wasn't so bloody slow himself, he'd have time to address issues with tight straps or cold hands!

What can i DO???

I'm FURIOUS. Stop saying "toasts"! It's the most infuriating thing I've ever heard.

I'd have left him by now.

And this shit of not being late until the time has past? THEY'RE LYING! They're not stupid, just fucking lazy.

And not just lazy, INCONSIDERATE FUCKERS.

FGS if he doesn't start until 11 then he can have his stupid gourmet breakfast when he gets back from school run, surely? Can't he agree to have fast, simple "pre breakfast" with the DC and save his ponciness for later? I bet he doesn't clear up all the toast related mess, either....

(I agree btw!)

(Hmmm ..... "Elaborate Toasts" - surely an idea for a new cookery title if ever there was one ??)

Seriously - he's being a lazy, self indulgent, toast twat. It's all very well eating a "decent" breakfast and starting the day off in a relaxed frame of mind having "treated" yourself blah blah blah but back on Planet Earth that's only possible after all the genuine, real necessities of normal family life with kids have been attended to. He's basically wafting around the kitchen (imagining he's Jamie Oliver or something what with his olive oil drizzles and so on) in a haze of pleasing himself and then coming back down to earth as soon as one child or another is on his case about some missing item required for school. He then gets annoyed because his bubble's burst - and no, it isn't fair on the kids that he snaps at them etc., because he's used up the time he could have spent sharing getting-ready-for-school-duties on elaborate toast.

As everyone else has said there are so many simple solutions to this if he really can't bear to forego fancy cooked bread:

1. work out how long it takes to make, eat AND clear up elaborate toasts and then GET UP however many minutes earlier

or,

1. save his indulgence for when he GETS BACK so he can complete the toast ritual without interruption, annoyance or "stress".

He's a grown man FFS - he should be able to work this out! Which makes me think that despite his agreeing that he could be faster, he doesn't really want to relinquish his routine and is hoping you'll pick up the slack in desperation.

OR, just hide the toaster and refuse to tell him where it is until he can prove he's capable of being responsible, doing his fair share and not getting annoyed with the kids for stuff which isn't fair.

a nice leisurely chat about how to improve things at a calmer time should do the trick, even if it needs repeating once or twice. screaming matches at the time rarely achieve anything. i know this cos of issue with my son. new plans include uniform reafy night before and a definite must leave time (which is actuallu a time that will get don there comfortably early rather than "just on time" which so easily transfers to late.

sorry, get son there comfortably early.

My dh is the same. He drops off dc at school on the way to work. In his case, it's an elaborate packed lunch. We have tried all manner of things - making his lunch the night before, geting up earlier. The problem is he has no sense of urgency. Whatever amount of time he has, he underestimates how long things take and runs 10 to 15 minutes late. I don't think anything will ever change this.

So what I do is deliver coated, shoed, bagged dc at the front door and follow him round the house chivvying him along. Dreadful I know. I will watch this thread with interest.

I then get 45 minutes (which is bliss) to myself before starting work. I would rather do this than do the school run myself though.

despite his agreeing that he could be faster, he doesn't really want to relinquish his routine and is hoping you'll pick up the slack in desperation.
^^ this - but instead of HOPING you'll pick up the slack, he is relying on you to pick up the slack.

Is the plural of toast, toasts? Isn't it just one piece of toast, two pieces of toast, three elaborate pieces of toast?

My dh also lacks a sense of urgency (understatement). Usually he leaves for work first so does the early shift: making lunches, getting kids dresses, making breakfast etc, whilst I do the post breakfast stuff and deliver them to school. Would this swap work for you?

On the days where he is taking them to school I make sure I'm out of the way so if he's running late (he usually does) it's his problem. Actually, me being gone helps cause it stops us barking contrary instructions at the kids. And of course I don't get stressed.

I have to say, though, that generally at least one child gets grumped up by someone and I consider that normal. One would think after 3 years they'd realise 8.15 is not the time to get engrossed in a new game involving tipping all the lego out, then getting cross when told to put on shoes and coat but apparently not.

Hand over, remove yourself. Prob resolved.

Hopalong, I think you are right, but some how "elaborate pieces of toast" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Jesus, you can tell I work in IT.... obviously my and were supposed to be *'s.

"I am tempted to not appear tomorrow morning. He will be in a mess though and the kids will probably be late....he'll be grumpy...is it fair on the DC when I KNOW he's iincapable?"

1. Is he an adult human being?
2. Does he have any special educational needs?
3. has he known these children all their lives?
4. is he capable of holding down a job? If yes,no,yes,yes, then he is not incapable, he is a dick.

Tell him tonight that you are starting work at 7.00 tomorrow and he has to do the school run. Then do whatever you usually do in the evening tonight,and in the morning, go to your office, shut th door and let him get on with it.

Having a DH who is useless at doing anything in the morning unless it involves getting himself out of the door/ cleaning a bike while I run round doing breakfasts/ lunches/ finding uniform and shoes and doing the school run, I sympathise but frankly would just do it all myself. I find it easier personally - and weight the afternoon chores the other way, so HE does the clearing up after tea etc. I don't really see why he is doing the school run if you work from home and he is so patently useless at it, it sounds more stress than it is worth tbh. You would home by 9.30 anyway.

"DH, this isn't working. EVery morning is a fraught battle against the clock that you always lose. It's quite simple. If you want to continue with the gourmet breakfast and the leisurely start, you have to get up earlier. If you're not prepared to get up earlier, ditch the toast and organise everything else the night before. If you're not prepared to do either of those options, I can only conclude you are either lazy and disorganised or you don't respect either myself or our DC's education enough to get your arse into gear. As you manage to hold down a job successfully, I'm hedging towards the latter. Now I'm sure you don't want us to feel like that so choose an option and stick to it or I will stop picking up the pieces, let the DC be late and let you do all the explaining to the educational welfare officer."

I have no advice op I just want to sympathise.

My ex used to regularly serve ridiculously elaborate dinners at 1 AM!

I tried to explain that yes if I was still awake to eat them they were delicious but actually someone (me) was going to have to get up with the toddler in the morning and that actually the toddler would probably like some dinner too but got no where.

Being a single mum was my solution and its much easier but obviously there was more to it than that issue and I'm not necessarily suggesting it for you.

Does he not even share his elaborate toasts with you?

You're all still saying bloody toasts. IT'S TOAST.

And he'd be toast if he was living with me.

I do wonder why people think it's OK for men to be incapable of doing perfectly simple,ordinary everyday things.

I actually got palpitations reading this thread. We have a somewhat similar issue, and it feels like it sums up a LOT of problems.

It's toasts because there are different varieties being made. Just as it would be 'cereals' if there were more than one variety used.

I know you're going to say that it's the same, plain, toast underneath it all. I would argue that once it has a topping, its fundamental nature has been changed; you cannot return it to its original state, so the compound substance (toasted bread + topping) becomes a new entity.

In this way, toasts is justified.

Set the kitchen clock 5 mins fast (don't tell anyone and remember for yourself).
You say you have everything out the night before, but have you thought of laying out breakfast. My bf has 4 x ds under 8years and dh away at sea, she always lays out the bowls of cereals covered with kitchen towel.

His elaborate toast sound more like a leisurely indulgence which you could share when he returns or restrict to w/e.
Failing that chopped toms in fridge with seasoning and oil, preslice your bread set his alarm 5 mins earlier.

I think its best for you to be out of sight, so he can't lapse in his responsibility.
Let the dc use timed lists to remind them so that don't need reminders.

I found with me own dc getting them up later worked best as they couldn't start playing or watching breakfast tv.

Failing all of that let them sleep in their uniforms and shove a packed brioche in their bag to be eaten in the playground!

What solutions, pray, is he spending the day discussing with his friends????