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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU? Asking school to not use Mr and Mrs. R Bonkers

293 replies

bonkersLFDT20 · 09/10/2013 11:10

Got a letter from DS1's secondary school.
It was addressed to Mr and Mrs R Bonkers
R is my husband's initial.

I've just written to them suggesting they use more a more modern way to address parents e.g Mr and Mrs Bonkers or Mr R. Bonkers & Mrs M Bonkers.

WIBU?

OP posts:
educatingarti · 10/10/2013 11:10

At least it isn't "Mr and Mrs U R Bonkers!"

Original poster
bonkersLFDT20 · 10/10/2013 11:11

My letter is worded as such "While this format is accepted, do you not think it is rather outdated and that the school should adopt a more modern way to address parents?"

So actually, I'm not asking them to change how they address me or anyone else, just posing a question.

I chose to take my husbands name for our family. We discussed it. There was absolutely NO expectation from him that I would take his name.

OP posts:
fedupwithdeployment · 10/10/2013 11:12

I contacted DS2's teacher recently and signed the letter,

"Kind regards, Jane and John HusbandandChildren's surname" I don't like my husband's name and haven't taken it, but it was easier given I hate typing on the ipad.

What annoyed me was that she replied to:

"Dear Jane and Jane Husbands...name"

Surely she should have addressed it to "Dear John and Jane" or to "Mr and Mrs Husband" Pedant I know.

BurberryQ · 10/10/2013 11:16

i think you are expecting too much of class teachers to expect them to remember how each one of thirty kids' parents likes to be addressed....they are teachers fgs, let them teach....

JassyRadlett · 10/10/2013 11:18

Plantsitter, thanks! I'm assuming that they are reasonable points based on the fact no one has bothered to take issue with them. Equally, no one seems to have taken them on board...

'Because the etiquette book says so' just seems like an incredibly weak argument.

FlapJackOLantern · 10/10/2013 11:23

Well said Burberry! - spot on.

MadderHat · 10/10/2013 11:44

What does Debrett's say if both partners are Doctors? (We both have DPhils, so the same level of doctoring too; it would be clearer if one was a DLitt or similar.) I don't use my married name - that is to say that I didn't change my name on any official documentation, so I am Dr Hat. However, I'm perfectly entitled to use Mrs NotHat whenever I want it's just that the banks etc don't have it recorded and I don't choose to... then again the background check forms have my alternative listed just in case.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 10/10/2013 13:23

curlew I absolutely agree it is irritating both ways round but the OP said in her post that

I've just written to them suggesting they use more a more modern way to address parents

This said to me she was asking them to change it for everyone to the modern way which actually is not necessarily how all parents want to be addressed, I would have completely understood if she has written to them saying please can you address us in this way in future.

Obviously she has now said differently in her most recent post however I still feel the way it is worded is suggesting everyone wishes to be addressed differently.

Original poster
bonkersLFDT20 · 10/10/2013 13:46

clover you are right and I hold my hands up.

In my mind I only wanted them to consider looking at how they address parents (maybe it's been like that since the 50s and no one has ever thought about looking at it.....fine, it's not a major issue for a school), rather than insist they make a special entry in the database for me.

More, "this bothers me" than "this is really important to me". However, I realise that's not how I came across in my email to the school and I'll remember that when/if I contact them again.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 10/10/2013 13:59

The letters won't be sent by the teachers, the addressee list is almost certainly electronic and OP at the least will be quickly updatable by, for example, putting " " in any addressee initial field. If parents got divorced, or married, or widowed, changes could certainly be made, this is not a big ask.

(Another whose school just goes with Parent(s)/Guardian(s) of DSname)

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 10/10/2013 14:10

Something more generalised would be better I imagine (not necessarily traditional nor modern), it must be very complicated as there is regularly more that 1 surname within a family so I imagine the school can get it wrong quite a lot. I am sure Parent/Carers of x will still offend some though Grin

ScarerStratton · 10/10/2013 14:16

But, but, it's correct. All the fretting about addressing wedding envelopes correctly, but then an envelope takes been addresses correctly according to the precious rules of etiquette, and everyone's upset?

I'm confused.

farewellfigure · 10/10/2013 14:31

Mrs is actually short for Mistress which means 'The wife of'. So Mr and Mrs R Bonkers means Mr, and the wife of R Bonkers. It's correct etiquette and the school aren't being demeaning or rude... just using good English.

If they wrote Mr R Bonkers and Mrs A Maiden name, they would be addressing you as 'the wife of A Maiden name' which would be wrong (implying you're married to yourself).

I always address envelopes in the 'old fashioned' way. Even if I'm sending a card to just the woman I would write Mrs R Bonkers, where R is her husband's initial. My bf once told me to stop doing it as it drove her nuts, so when I send her a birthday card addressed Mrs A Maiden name I want to scream 'It's wrong it's wrong'.

I'm actually quite a feminist but I just can't get over the wrongness of addressing something incorrectly.

Right... where's my tatting?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 10/10/2013 14:32

The correct way to address people is how they prefer to be addressed.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 10/10/2013 14:33

Don't most people who've kept their birth name go with "Ms A Birthname", ff?

Thants · 10/10/2013 14:41

MrsBW you talk as we have won equality. We haven't and a clear signal of that is women changing their name. You say you made the choice to change your name but you were raised in a culture that pushes you every day to be subservient to men and see you changing your name as the norm. I don't think we can call it a choice until we live in a fair, equal society. One small way of fighting for equality is to see your name as a equal to that of a mans and not something you give up because he wants to marry you.

farewellfigure · 10/10/2013 14:42

Ms is fine apart from the fact it makes my teeth itch.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/10/2013 14:44

"The correct way to address someone is how they prefer to be addressed"

YY to that Doctrine.

Perhaps schools could ask, though I notice that ours doesn't use what we put down (on original entrance form). I sometimes think about pointing it out (one of us is Dr but they just put Mr and Mrs - not sure which initials they've used). Possibly they are moving towards Parents/Carers of X. Probably because anything else is fraught with difficulty!
(Though also agree should it be so hard really, for school office with database ?)

2tiredtocare · 10/10/2013 14:45

I've only just clicked on that your surname isn't actually bonkers! Blush

farewellfigure · 10/10/2013 14:45

But why would you want to have a name different from your husband's, and then which name would you give your children? A surname is just a family name. It's not something you have to bow and scrape and 'accept' from your husband as he takes away all your rights.

ScarerStratton · 10/10/2013 14:46

Err, I changed my name, when I got married, so that our future children would share our name, and to signify we were a family unit.

Nothing wrong with that. It signifies united strength, and has nothing to do with any outdated ideas of belonging to anyone.

stealthsquiggle · 10/10/2013 14:50

"Even if I'm sending a card to just the woman I would write Mrs R Bonkers, where R is her husband's initial. My bf once told me to stop doing it as it drove her nuts, so when I send her a birthday card addressed Mrs A Maiden name I want to scream 'It's wrong it's wrong'."

I get over this by addressing things to A Maidenname (no salutation) - I know Mrs R Bonkers is correct, I don't like it when people do it to me (I don't violently object to Mr and Mrs R Bonkers though) - for friends who have chosen not to change names I address things to "A Hisname and B Hername", and family things to "The WhichevernametheDChave family"

All "official" things in my name only are down as Ms S Squiggle and I do get a little annoyed when people don't use that.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/10/2013 14:50

I agree it can be done (changing surname on marriage) more in a spirit of having a shared family name (which DCs will also have) than with a sense
of taking your husband's name.
I still think assuming a woman is happy to be called by her husband's first name as well as using the surname or family name is a step too far in the 21st century!

stealthsquiggle · 10/10/2013 14:51

ooh - etiquette people can answer me this - two PhDs married to each other - Drs A & B Bonkers - is that right?

campion · 10/10/2013 14:58

Some people would say that using 'Doctor' or whatever outside your job is being a little bit precious, a bit like 80 yr olds insisting on Wing Commander.
But whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

I'm with farewellfigure; technically you are Mrs husband's initial surname in any formal written address but few people would use that. It's still correct to leave out your initial if you're both being addressed but, if you're bothered about it, ask school to do it as you wish. They'll probably be a bit Hmm in the office but they'll do it.