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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To restrain a child from beating mine?

154 replies

JeremySmile · 08/10/2013 14:57

I have 3 children but am back in toddler group territory with my youngest. This morning, she was playing with a push along toy at toddler group (she's 14 months and tiny) and an older girl of 3/4 came and tried to pull DDs hands off it. I explained dd was playing with it and pointed out a similar one the other girl could play with. She replied no, that she was having that one and tried shoving dd. I picked up the toy and turned it to face a clear direction so dd could walk with it, again explaining to the girl that she could wait nicely for a turn or play with something else. She started screaming in my face, looked around and picked up a pull along dog and raised it to hit dd in the head with it. I caught her arm mid air before the toy hit dd and told the girl it wasn't kind to hit etc. She then started to try and shove the slide onto dd, then picked up another toy to hit her with. Again, I stopped her and this time her mother saw and came storming over saying how dare I touch her child etc. I explained the situation and she said I shouldn't take dd to toddler groups if I'm going to follow her around and be so precious over her. I said perhaps she should follow her child around if she's aware she's unable to share and violent to other children. WIBU to have said this/stop dd being hit?

OP posts:
ThoughtsPlease · 08/10/2013 23:12

I think if the OP used the word 'restrain' in her title then it probably describes what she actually did. She said at least twice that she 'caught' her arm which I would think means held it.

No I don't think the approach did work very well, I actually suspect that think the OPs manner over this 'aggressive' child right from the outset just fuelled the incident. I really don't think that holding another child's arm is right, by all means speak to the child, but I don't think restraining, and this is what the OP says that she did, is the correct way to deal with it.

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:12

maddening, I hope that the mother thought long and hard about how to address her dd behaviour when going through that phase, and to be more watchful in future

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:13

well it prevented her dd for getting injured so it did work, the op is not responsible for this childs behaviour.

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:15

why should op keep having to move all the time away from the child, thats not fair on dd.

ThoughtsPlease · 08/10/2013 23:18

Exactly, the OP is not responsible for disciplining the other child or her behaviour, and if a quick word didn't work at the start she should have simply moved her child away.

One incident when OPs DD is 14 months is hardly going to set her DD up for the rest of her life thinking that you let everyone bully you or something.

And as you say it is not the OPs job to discipline the other child, so no need for the 'restraining' when there was another way.

ThoughtsPlease · 08/10/2013 23:19

She had to move away once, that was all, problem solved.

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:21

she did move her away, but the girl followed her with a toy to beat her with

BrokenSunglasses · 08/10/2013 23:21

To those people saying that OP did not deal with it correctly, what woudo have been better?

Her choices were to prevent the child hitting her dd with a hard object by stopping her arm, to allow her child to be hurt, or to move her child away.

Out of the three options, I don't see how either of the last two could have been preferable.

Mumzy · 08/10/2013 23:24

Oh the joys of toddler groups! OP YANBU but in the strange world of these places you can never tell off/ restrain or in any way discipline other peoples dcs. If you do You will always be made to be seen as the unreasonable one. Interestingly enough I use to go to a toddler group which had a high percentage of choldminders. If one of their mindees were misbehaving and you pointed it out to them then they never had any qualms of 1) taking your word for it 2) dishing out a telling off or some form of punishment

Canthisonebeused · 08/10/2013 23:25

I think you should have just removed your own dd. what happened isn't acceptable and the mothers response was crap, but these things happen all time sadly. You need to safeguard your dd from a bashing and safeguard your self from the wrath of another crap patent by removing yourself and dd from these situations rather than physically involving your self with other children.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 08/10/2013 23:25

YANBU but in that situation I'd have just scooped my child up out of harms way, picked up the toy and walked away.

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:29

Exactly Mumzy, nobody can tell little Cressida or Tarquin off, despite them hurting other child. Shock horror op caught the girls arm to prevent prevent her baby being clouted over the head by another child. she is being seen as bad, noway, the girl was hurting her dd, mother not near so she took reasonable action to prevent her dd getting hurt.

ThoughtsPlease · 08/10/2013 23:29

She didn't move away, the OP states that she turned the toy around, they were all still stood together.

Honestly the other child 'followed her with a toy to beat her with'?

I am interested to know what would have happened if the OP hadn't been stood right there with her DD when the older child came over to pry her hands off the toy. Sometimes children can actually work things out without constant adult intervention. Perhaps allowing her 'tiny' DD a little more freedom might not have been such a bad idea.

And yes obviously before anyone pipes up, the other child may have acted in the same way without the OP present and her DD could then have been beaten etc etc....

MrsOakenshield · 08/10/2013 23:35

I think you reacted very well - you made sure that your DD was safe by moving her to one side, and made it clear that the other child was not going to get her own way be behaving badly, and you made it clear to the other mother as well, who frankly was an idiot.

Children should have bad behaviour challenged by whoever they are behaving badly to - surely it is a good thing for them to realise that not everyone will accept it. The OP did not hurt the other child, she caught her arm as she was swinging a toy towards her child. Quite right too.

MrsOakenshield · 08/10/2013 23:36

sorry, I've realised I've contradicted myself there as obviously the OP's child wasn't safe, as it turned out - but my point is she was standing her ground whilst looking after her child. Oh, I know what I mean and it's late.

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:38

thoughts her dd is only 14 months old, how the hell can she work things out, shes a baby! Its not like she is of similar age and understanding. op took the toy and turned it around to face a clear direction, so that her dd could push it, I guess that would be away from the other girl

ThoughtsPlease · 08/10/2013 23:43

Well let's see, most 14 month old toddlers would protest if another child came and took a toy off them that they particularly wanted to play with, so in doing so the other child may then have acted differently.

The OP simply says that the other child came along and tried to take her DDs hands off the toy, and straightaway it seems the OP jumped in with no my DD is playing with this at the moment etc, where was the opportunity for her DD to react and learn? Of course at 14 months she can understand.

kali110 · 08/10/2013 23:51

Ywnbu at all.

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:54

no not all toddlers would thoughts, my ds certainly would not have. yes her dd was playing with that toy and the child should not have done come and snatched the toy, that was wrong, the mother should be up there dealing with it. How would you expect a 14 month to react to being hit over the head with a toy, they are not strong enugh or able to defend themselves, ludricous to expect a baby to defend herself against a 3-4 year old, or to know how to react in that situation. It comes in time as the childs social and cognitive skills develop

pigletmania · 08/10/2013 23:57

If a child snatched a toy off 20 month ds, he would be a bit nonplussed, and would not be able to defend himself if an older child came and hit him. its my job as a parent to teach him the correct way to behave

ThoughtsPlease · 09/10/2013 00:02

I think you have missed my point, the other child may well not have tried to hit the 14 month old if the OP had not been there, and her DD had been allowed to protest or not on her own.

What would your son not have done? Not protested at another child trying to take the toy? If so there would have been no problem, of course it is not right for another child to just take the toy anyway, but if your son wouldn't have protested then he clearly wouldn't have been bothered, so so what?

ThoughtsPlease · 09/10/2013 00:05

It was a one off, obviously as the OP is so shocked by the whole incident that her DD would really not have been scarred for life, had the older child taken the toy.

pigletmania · 09/10/2013 00:06

no he wouldent, not all children react in the same way, he probably would have cried. he would not have been able to say no thats my toy,im playing with that at 14 months. i would not have expected him to. And

pigletmania · 09/10/2013 00:08

and because of his age and vulnerability i would intervene, it not an equal playing field. its not like another tohaddler snatched the toy, but an older more stronger child, with more advanced cognitive and social skills and speech

pigletmania · 09/10/2013 00:10

no of course she would not be scarred for life by the child taeking the toy from her, but its the principle, and a mothers instinct to protect your little ones