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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have a very abusive husband, what help is out there for me (mother of 2)

106 replies

tikkaboti · 07/10/2013 22:08

I had to register a new email and account so that this is not detected. I am a mother of 2 little girls 5 and 3. I am in a very bad situation. My husband is very emotionally abusive towards me and is driving me crazy. He is a bully and control freak. I am not allowed to work, I cannot meet my family, even my calls and emails are monitored. I have been married for 8 years and I am at the end of my tether. My husband loves our 2 little girls but he is turning them against me. The household environment is affecting my daughters negatively. He is constantly threatening to leave me and tries to convince my girls that they will be better off with another mother. He verbally abuses me every day, I feel like I am in a cage. He is unemployed and has been looking for work for over 4 years. He is always at home and rather than spending time looking for work, he spends his time trying to mentally torture me at. He does not let me work either. He does not let me have any money and locks up all my documents and takes away the computer so I can't do anything. I had to literally run away for a day to clear my mind. I am at a friends house now and fear to go back because he might use physical force on me. I believe he is bipolar. Overwhelmingly manipulative who cannot leave the past behind and blames all current difficulties on past events which had no relation to anything. He creates these stories in his head and believes them and then forcefully makes me believe them as well.

For 8 years, I have been living in this hell and I just want to find out what options I have so that I can have a better life for myself and my daughters. I do not want to leave him and that is not an option as my daughters love him very much.

I have tried my best and I just cannot change him or anything about his personality. I need advice on what to do. He is in need of counselling. Someone really needs to sit him down and tell him how to treat a family with respect otherwise there will be consequences. I have gone to my own family for help a few times and as consequence my family have become his mortal enemy (in his head).

He also uses religion to set fear in me on a daily basis. He says that I am your husband, know your place and I am your God so you will do what I say. He is always making me feel guilty for anything I do.

What can I do? Please help. I have looked at options like refuge and women's aid but I don't want to go to a refuge, leaving him is not an option.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 07/10/2013 22:09

If you think leaving is not an option, then there is nothing more you can do.

There is plenty of help and support for you and your girls, do them a favour and be strong

Itstartshere · 07/10/2013 22:10

Have you rung Women's Aid for a chat? I know it all seems really scary but it might be worth just talking things through to see what they can offer. You sound very scared and I would like to think that there is an amazing life waiting for you if you did want to try to leave. You do not deserve the treatment you are receiving, a loving husband doesn't abuse his wife and no religion or God would truly want you to be treated this way.

It was very brave of you to post here, by the way, hoping you get the support you need.

Glendaanddennisarentinvited · 07/10/2013 22:11

Leaving him isn't an option? Why not? What dies your friend say?

You can't change him.

Your children will NEVER thank you for staying.

Call women's aid and chat through your options.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/10/2013 22:11

You need to contact Women's Aid. this can be difficult as they're chronically underfunded, but once you get hold of them they're fantastic.

Do you have your dc with you?

CocacolaMum · 07/10/2013 22:12

why isn't leaving an option?

TheFabulousIdiot · 07/10/2013 22:13

Can you get in touch with your family. How would they react if you told them all that you have posted here?

TooOldForGlitter · 07/10/2013 22:13

Can I suggest you ask for this post to be moved to Relationships? You will find such invaluable amazing advice there. It WILL change your life for the better to leave this inferior prick but please, ask for this post to be moved.

MsVestibule · 07/10/2013 22:14

Have you considered going for counselling, if that's possible? TBH, if you won't even consider leaving him, I think your options are limited, but maybe the correct form of counselling would help you weigh up your options more clearly?

I'm sorry, I'm really not sure what to suggest. He won't change, only you can. You may get better advice in Relationships?

pigletmania · 07/10/2013 22:14

Hi sweetie, I am no expert but i think you need to leave this abusive relationship for the sake of the girls and yourself. Contact Womans Aid, are you in contact with your parents or anyone, you could go to temporarily. i would also contact Citizens Advice Bureau. Sending you Cake Flowers and big hugs

bellasuewow · 07/10/2013 22:14

I am so sorry for your troubles is there any way you can start to put a plan together to leave with the help of your family and friends. I know that leaving is a huge step but for the sake of your girls you may have to really consider this and for the sake of yourself you sound like you have run away already. Have you spoken to women's aid they may be able to give you excellent advice on the phone. Yes your husband does need help but you cannot help him your job is not to take care of the mess that his life is but to look after yourself and your daughters he actually sounds quite mad.
I wish you the best of luck with all of this.

Gossipmonster · 07/10/2013 22:15

refuge.org.uk/

Please contact them and please keep yourself safe over the next few days esp if you have left or he thinks you are going to leave x

cestlavielife · 07/10/2013 22:15

You need to leave .
It is your only option.
He won't get help or counselling while you there.

But you need to forget about trying to fix him.
You can't.

You on here.
You can ring women's aid.
You can leave .

TooOldForGlitter · 07/10/2013 22:16

Oh and I will just add that LOTS of these abusive twats hide behind religion as an excuse for abuse. It is an utter smoke screen and a sad attempt to control you.

fusspot66 · 07/10/2013 22:16

I think you should call the police as you have escaped a kidnapper here. Women's Aid would help you too but it actually sounds like an emergency if you are at a friends house and your young childen are with your unstable husband. Call 101 if you doubt my understanding of the situation. Financial abuse is domestic violence.

BratinghamPalace · 07/10/2013 22:21

It seems you cannot leave but hope to find some way of dealing with what is happening? It seems you are hoping that, by changing yourself or the way you deal with it, you will change the dynamic? OP I am so sorry but that is almost impossible. You seem convinced that you cannot leave. There is perhaps danger for you or your family if you do? I do not know what to advise you op but one thing is clear, you need help. Could you call a help line and start talking to someone? Good luck OP. I am very sad for you.

Wallison · 07/10/2013 22:23

You have already taken a massive step by going to stay with your friend, so give yourself a huge pat on the back for that. You have put yourself first and that is a good thing. What you need to do now is take that momentum forwards, for both your sake and the sake of your children.

Think of it this way - if anyone else came into your house and treated you and your children the way this man does, you would do everything to get away from him, because his behaviour is abhorrent. The fact that you have a shared history with him does not negate the fact that he has no place in your or your daughters' lives. Just because you know someone doesn't mean that you have to stay with them when they are treating you badly.

Please, please call Women's Aid. They will be able to advise you practically, financially and emotionally on how you can build on your very courageous act of getting away from your abuser (that is what he is, however much he might try to justify his actions) and how you can keep yourself and your family safe.

CoffeeTea103 · 07/10/2013 22:26

Sorry that you're going through this. I hope that you realize soon that the only option you have is to leave.
This man is not a good father if he belittles and treats their mother so badly. How is he being a good man by hurting you which is on turn hurting your kids?
There really is a lot of support out there if you are truly willing to leave this man.
Your children will only be really happy when they see you happy.

mummyof2munchkins · 07/10/2013 22:31

Hunny, I get that you feel leaving is not an option at this moment in time. However, please at least build yourself an exit strategy. Speak to womensaid and find out where you could go if you left. Have some emergency items for you and your girls stashed somewhere, maybe at your friends, clothes, toys, medicines any money you can put away.

Maybe just knowing you can leave will give you the strength to stand up to this man. You have the absolute right to feel safe, your children do to. I strongly suspect they are saying and behaving in a way that they believe will please your partner. You are their mum and they love you.

Please keep yourself safe. If you can, have an emergency strategy - give your friends or family a code word that alerts them to call the police if you are really in trouble. Can you hide an emergency mobile phone somewhere your partner wouldn't find it. You can call the police from any phone.

You have friends on here, post as often as you can. There will be lots of support and advice. Feel free to contact me if you need some more detailed support.

xxxxx

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2013 22:35

Yes leaving him is an option.

It appears to be the only option here

If you can't do it to protect yourself, do it to protect your kids.

FreudiansSlipper · 07/10/2013 22:41

please look into going on the freedom programme. you can do this online

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

you know you have to leave, it is not that simple if it was you would have gone long ago. the programme is designed to help woman take control of their own life

Awomansworth · 07/10/2013 22:43

Why is leaving not an option?

Seems like the only option if you want to protect yourself and your girls.

Do you really want them to grow up thinking this is normal?

From what you've written, there is little anyone can do to help if you are going to stay.

bunchoffives · 07/10/2013 22:47

I just want to find out what options I have so that I can have a better life for myself and my daughters. I do not want to leave him and that is not an option as my daughters love him very much.

Your girls will love their parents yes, but you as the adult know how much damage their father will do to them as they are growing up.

You say you feel like you are living in a cage, and that is very very sad. But if you stay your girls will feel like they are in that cage too as they get older - and the worst thing is they won't know any different. That cage will be their normal. It will take them the rest of their adult lives to get over that. Don't do that to your children.

I'm sorry but I truly believe your only option is to leave. He will not change. Women's aid will help you. Refuges really aren't that bad and there will be all the help you need once you are there.

If you feel like you are in danger, if you feel threatened ring 999

elfycat · 07/10/2013 22:55

If you're typing on a computer don't forget to clear your history or there's a way of opening websites without it being seen. 'Incognito window' is what my browser (google chrome) calls it - top right corner of the browser screen for the option.

If this is a way to talk freely, keep it quiet.

You've taken a step - asking for advice. The next step will be to decide what you want to do with that information. I'm inclined to think you are exploring the 'leaving him' option if you're asking those questions but only you can make those decisions.

I have girls about the same age as yours. Please consider what they are learning having an unhappy and abused mother. They don't have to stop loving their father if you leave.

I'm no expert on this subject. But there are some very wise and experiences people on here who will make suggestions. From your OP I think you need to listen to them.

Hissy · 07/10/2013 23:07

When he says he'll leave, does he mean it, or is it just BS?

I ask because mine always threatened it, but eventually did. Now i'm free!

If he wants to go, let him.

I know that's sickeningly scary, but you have to do whatever it takes to get him out of your life,

If he won't go, you have to. No matter what that means.

You feel trapped, but there are agencies to help you. I've been places where there wasn't a living soul to help.

You may feel trapped, but much of that is in your mind.

Believe you can be free, dig deep, keep talking to us, plan and don't let anything get in thé way of you getting free.

You can do this!

Hissy · 07/10/2013 23:09

I know hundreds of women like you, like me, and let me tell you, not one victim of DV has ever, nor will ever regret leaving an abusive relationship.

Life is better out of this, how could it be worse than what you've got now?

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