I have a very abusive husband, what help is out there for me (mother of 2)

[tikkaboti]

I had to register a new email and account so that this is not detected. I am a mother of 2 little girls 5 and 3. I am in a very bad situation. My husband is very emotionally abusive towards me and is driving me crazy. He is a bully and control freak. I am not allowed to work, I cannot meet my family, even my calls and emails are monitored. I have been married for 8 years and I am at the end of my tether. My husband loves our 2 little girls but he is turning them against me. The household environment is affecting my daughters negatively. He is constantly threatening to leave me and tries to convince my girls that they will be better off with another mother. He verbally abuses me every day, I feel like I am in a cage. He is unemployed and has been looking for work for over 4 years. He is always at home and rather than spending time looking for work, he spends his time trying to mentally torture me at. He does not let me work either. He does not let me have any money and locks up all my documents and takes away the computer so I can't do anything. I had to literally run away for a day to clear my mind. I am at a friends house now and fear to go back because he might use physical force on me. I believe he is bipolar. Overwhelmingly manipulative who cannot leave the past behind and blames all current difficulties on past events which had no relation to anything. He creates these stories in his head and believes them and then forcefully makes me believe them as well.

For 8 years, I have been living in this hell and I just want to find out what options I have so that I can have a better life for myself and my daughters. I do not want to leave him and that is not an option as my daughters love him very much.

I have tried my best and I just cannot change him or anything about his personality. I need advice on what to do. He is in need of counselling. Someone really needs to sit him down and tell him how to treat a family with respect otherwise there will be consequences. I have gone to my own family for help a few times and as consequence my family have become his mortal enemy (in his head).

He also uses religion to set fear in me on a daily basis. He says that I am your husband, know your place and I am your God so you will do what I say. He is always making me feel guilty for anything I do.

What can I do? Please help. I have looked at options like refuge and women's aid but I don't want to go to a refuge, leaving him is not an option.

You may be Asian Muslim but that does not mean you need to live in an abusive relationship. There are people out there with knowledge of situations like yours who can help. Woman's aid usually have workers who are able to assist in cases like yours. Social services can also help. Please go and get advice as soon as possible. You also need to try and get your children out soon too before your husband turns them against you. Good luck.

tikka I am really sad to hear of your desperate situation. I do understand how you feel as an Asian Muslim that you would not like to separate, however, as you say your family know how manipulative your husband is. Would they not support you?

I come from and Irish catholic family. Growing up I witnessed terrible violence, alcoholism, abuse. It scars me til this day. For your children's sake, it is important to act. At 5, I definately lived in fear and anxiety and knew things were not right. For religious, cultural reasons - the shame - my parents would never split up. Growing up was terrible. As I see my children grow up, I have nothing but bitterness for all my parents put me through. Sadly, I also see my mum as responsible, though in different circumstances I think she may have been a much better mum.

Good luck to you, this is really the first step....

I have a very close old friend, imip, who grew up in a household as you describe.

She lurched from one disastrous relationship to another, one drama or abusive partner (I've seen the scars, and I've sat beside her in the clinics) after another ever since she was old enough to date. 2 years ago she moved in with DH and I after a house fire, and lived here for a few months. As she moved out she told me with tears in her eyes that it was the first time she had ever seen a non-dysfunctional relationship at work. That she had never seen a partnership where both sides look after each other rather than sniping at each other. Where you still make DH's dinner and he still mends that shelf he promised, minutes after an argument, instead of throwing dinner in the bin or storming out to the pub. Where you comfort your OH after a failure instead of gloating in it. Where you kiss or touch casually in passing, because you like to be close, instead of rolling your eyes and huffing when the other person enters the room. Where you share small triumphs instead of thinking of remarks to bring them down again. My friend had not realised that a relationship is about being a team, instead of a rivalry. It sounds obvious, but how do you know what "normal" is if you've never seen it, or grown up estranged from it?

Think carefully about what you model for your children. The choices you make in your marriage are not just for you.

(My friend's parents are still unhappily married. They'd be lost without always having someone to be "better than".)

You all are being damaged by this situation, don't go back phone woman's aid and take your daughters.

The society that I live in is very unforgiving about separation

If you are in the UK, we as a society embrace separation, when it removes people from harm and abuse, your daughters will be permanently damaged as you say they already have had undermining behaviour he is turning them against me.

Your first responsibility is to your children, you need to get them out of the vile situation that you are all in, by staying you are normalising abuse, do you want them to live in an abusive relationship? Now and in the future.

I hope your husband gets the help he needs(plenty out there, he can ask the GP), that is not your responsibility, he is incapable of being a responsible parent, so you need to be.

Phone women's aid, get your daughters and go and start a new life away from fear and abuse.

Don't waste another moment, get on the phone and get out.

hi everyone thank you all very much for all the advice you have given me. Trust me im really trying my hardest to get out of this situation, these inconsistencies I'm living in at the moment is taking a toll in my life so much that im always running out of time, dont have time to sit down with my daughter and help her with her homework, my home is a complete mess all the time, most of the time im unable to use the pc to search for jobs as my husband is always breathing down my neck on how and what kind of jobs im looking for as he adamant to fix our financial crisis according to way of job hunting and getting qualification that he would be so willing to help me with which in a 2-3 days time becomes a volatile dream and instead of helping he comes up with newer ways to harrass me; sometimes even im running out of time to the point where im unable to feed my children properly. My home is unorganized all the time, my children are unorganized, my husband is unorganized including his head, and i end up being unorganized as well, having no me time or time for my children either because he is always there on my tail 24/7. He doesn't even let me take a rest from all these petty arguments that he is creating which end up into huge fights and due to those fights i feel so numb, end up having a headache and become shaky and weak.

When my husband sees that i have become weak due to all the constant fights he sees this as an opportunity that he has overcome me, he has won an argument, and puts on an ugly affectionate demeanor just to end up having sex with me. If i say that im not in a mood and im emotionally drained and unable to offer him what he wants he would emotionally start blackmailing me that he would go out and find 10 women who would be willing to offer sex. Im feeling frustrated, im at the end of my limits here, i just cant take this anymore, im feeling completely empty and numb from the inside, im depressed, im unable to feel any love and affection for my husband and he demands it from me forcefully. I have wasted two years trying to convince myself and him that everything will be alright we need to work together to improve our situation to which he agrees for brief period of time and then goes back to being stubborn, snobbish bloke. Now im seriously thinking to go and sort help from women's aid.

Tikka, I very much agree with what has been said, especially by the Asian Muslim women who have posted. I am Christian but grew up in an area with lots of Muslims and have great respect for the religion (less so for some of the cultural practises associated which are actually directly opposed to many of the things that the Prophet said). I knew immediately from your first post that you would be an Asian Muslim and one thing struck me very forcefully.

Your husband has said that he "is your God". That is one of the most un-Islamic statements he could possibly make. Consider the truth in all his other cruel statements to you on the back of how his description of himself as your God when the most central tenet of Islam is "there is no God but God".

Yes woman's aid tikka, you have nothing to loose. Others ave given fantastic adive. The only person who can change tat situation is you!

op, there is absolutely nothing in islam which allows your husband to treat you in this way. and he is most definitely not your god. in fact saying that is a form of "shirk."

in fact islam teaches you to fight against oppression. please contact the nour organisation someone linked to up the thread they are incredibly helpful and understand all the cultural crap you have to fight through.

i understand how hard it is to think of separation but this is your life, do you honestly think you can live for much longer like this? please keep speaking to womens aid and start making a plan for you and your dd's. they need to see you as a strong role model, when they grow up would you want them to suffer like this? they will grow up learning it is ok for a woman to be treated this way when it really isnt.

pm me if you like as i know how suffocating the cultural rubbish is but remember it is cultural and not from the religion. islam affords many many rights to women. use them.

Tikka, I am thinking about you and hoping you are ok.x

A Muslim woman I work with had to flee her abusive husband.
She returned to family but after some time he was allowed to join her, then her parents returned to the family home with her to umpire the marriage.

Kind of odd in our culture but all cool in hers, apparently.

Can your parents help you?

I am a Christian married to a Muslim.

Your husband is failing in his religious duties as a husband, he is not treating you with kindness, love and respect. Yet he tries to argue that he is in charge and has rights. How can he have any "rights" when he totally neglects his duties. He cannot expect you to love and respect him when he behaves in an abusive way towards you.

I understand that you might feel a cultural pressure to stay with him but he will not change, if he won't follow the rules laid down by God that should be guiding his life then he is hardly likely to listen to people either. He sounds like a completely selfish and self-absorbed person.

The key thing to realise is that he does not see you as his equal. He sees you as a lesser being.

He is not a good father either. Any parent that makes they children feel insecure in their own family by constantly threatening to leave or belittling their partner is not a good parent. If you love your children you do not use them as a weapon against your partner.

Please do continue with Womens' Aid.

My love.

You can't change him. He knows no better.

You can't expect help from his parents, they made him.

You may not even get help from your parents, as that's often not the done thing.

What is happening to you is wrong, no matter what anyone says. It's abuse.

You came here, knowing what it is, knowing the name for it, that it's not right, and that you and your children are suffering.

You won't be able to shake him until he gets it. He won't get it. Why would he!? He has a religion he's warped into how it suits him, he has the backing of his culture, his family and potentially yours. Why would he give up the right to rule and terrorise you, when he enjoys it so much?

The only option is for you to take your children and go. It is the only thing that will improve your life.

It is the only thing that will save your children from going through the same in their futures.

Get advice on your financial options and get out. No matter what fear you feel. It's irrational fear and designed to keep you in your cage. Do emotions to one side and get on with escaping.

The confusion and chaos you describe in your home/life is created by him, the rows too, to keep you and your head busy.

While you're busy, you're not getting away from him.

Remember this behaviour from him is made from weakness, insecurity, and fear of you, not strength! He's scared you'll prove to be better than him, which is why he must destroy you.

He will use your kids to hurt you, and actually already is.

Those poor children think you'll leave them with him. And that upsets them. How sad they are.

Getting away from this man is for them, as it stops the harm they are suffering. Getting out will show you how wonderful life really is, and even alone is better than life in this hellish cage.

I've lived under a 'god' myself. There were days I hated life with him and his people so much I wanted nothing more than to walk into the sea.

But if I did that, my son would be stuck with them forever, and I couldn't do that.

Please just listen to us, and not what your fear is telling you.

Get the information you need on money etc now.

Get out as soon as you can. This week if you can get a place somewhere, and don't think about the emotional side at all.

We can help you deal with that once you're out.

We all of us have felt as you have, we all felt the same things as you are feeling now, and we all know it gets better, a lot better, in a matter of DAYS when you're finally free!

Trust us. Please?

Please listen to Hissy.

What advice would you give to your daughter, if she were in your situation? This is no life for you. It sounds worse than death.

thanks everyone for giving such a support I feel like as if all of you have given my strength back. Im working on it I have made a couple of phone calls and waiting for their feed backs. hope it all goes well. Im gonna go with marriage counselling first for myself and then involve my husband in all of this. If situation doesn't improve......I would consider other options to deal with this hopeless situation. And some of you are right that he has made think irrationally and has instilled irrational fear within me that I cant seem to get out of. But I get roped into this manipulative tactic he is gonna

Tikka - remember that this is the most dangerous time for an abused wife; when she is gathering strength to leave. Be on your guard against any violent behaviour, try to get hold of a mobile (can your friend get you a cheap PAYG one?) and keep it on, and on you. Phone police AT ONCE if you are in any danger at all.
Try phoning police DV unit for advice, SS, your HV if you have one - anyone you think may be able to help behind the scenes until you are ready.

Also - You shouldn't go to counselling with him - he is abusive and no counsellors will consider joint counselling with an abuser as it just gives them another platform to continue the abuse.

Good luck.

Please make sure that the counselling you get is for you alone. I really think you should avoid counselling as a couple given how bullying and manipulative your DH is. From my experience, joint counselling is very unlikely to be helpful with this level of emotional abuse and could make things worse for you.

Ultimately you need to understand that you cannot change him, you can only change the way you respond to him.

There is a little prayer I say sometimes:

^God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference^

In this situation your husband's behaviour is completely outside your control. You have to protect yourself and your children. I understand you have limited options, but the option of leaving him IS there. It's hard, but it is there.

I am very glad to see that you have been in contact with Women's Aid again, and are considering your options.

I just want to join in with the others though in saying DO NOT, under any circumstances, take this man to marriage counselling with you. Go on your own if you really need to go, and be open with your counsellor about the level of abuse you are experiencing. Tell them everything you have told us (and I think you hinted that there might be more, so describe as much of that as possible too).

I can't imagine anything worse, or more dangerous, than taking him to joint counselling even if the marriage guidance people did advise it (which I highly doubt). He would use it against you. He has already assured you that he has no intention of changing, so I think you need to take him at his word there.

I hope you are OK at the moment, and that you are finding the strength to make exit plans for you and your children.

Please remember all this advice when you are back at home, remember your strength and remember all this support. You are strong and you can be the person you want to be. You are doing well do far to talk about these issues and realising where you are.
So glad you've got the advice from women's aid, and listen to the posters here they are fantastic

I am making exit plans and I was considering for joint marriage counselling but I just realized that you guys are right I should not be taking him along with me as this would not improve his behavior as he is saying this for the past two years now that he is not going to change.

Im still contacting the services around let where it will lead to and how it is going to help me.

imthinking it was not until my late teenage years that I saw my friend's love for her father, despite her father cheating on her mum, that I realised the parental relationship must be different to what I have experienced. And, in turn, it showed me a lot about how adults treated each other. Despite this affair, the adults still treated each other with respect, no violence. Also, they taught me other things, like a sensible attitude to money and saving. How to keep a house clean etc etc.

tikka I guess things are becoming clearer in your mind now and you can explore your options and gain strength. I try to not stay on the relationships board, but I find myself lurking perhaps as an antidote to such a miserable upbringing (a recent thread from people with childhood such as myself explored how the hell we could possibly be decent parents without a decent role model for family life). Anyway, as others mention watch Your Internet privacy settings and take good care of yourself.

Yes tikka the counselling should be just for you alone, not your h, you need to give up on him, he is a bullying abusive bastard who does not give a damn, so counselling for both would be useless. It is great you have contacted Womans Aid. yes make exit plans

If you take him with you to counselling, he will BURY you. you know that right?

The ONLY thing in your head is the GETTING OUT, the when and the where.

this is urgent.

I'm a counsellor and I echo the comments regarding joint counselling. Get counselling for you but do not involve him. I won't counsel couples where one is abusive and I don't know any counsellor who will.

Thinking of you and your girls Tikka and hope you are all ok tonight and that you manage to find some support to get out of this horrible situtation. The support on MN for women in abusive relationships is incredible.

hi everyone. Just want to thank you all for leaving such encouraging and supportive comments. At the moment im in an unnerving condition and cant seem to think rationally for myself and my daughters. Last night was a terrible night i tell you. When i got back home, my husband got on with his usual manipulative tactics this time it was unnerving, more forceful and he was following me around and blocking my way from one room to another. I was trying to get away from him several times and he would let me go in a very awkward positions. I secretly called my friend to pick me up as this from my place. after receiving my call she rushed over immediately and helped me along with my children to get out of that messy, scary situation. While i was gone for the day my husband has been bad mouthing about me to the ppl in my community behind my back.

He has misbehaved with my mother using extremely vulgar language with her behind my back, he tried to do the same with my brother which i came to know of after i got back home last night. so I decided to yet again run away this time with my children as well. I have missed my most crucial GP appointment and i havent been able to send my daughter to school today as im in a refuge at my friend's. Guys, I havent been able to sleep the entire night so havent been my daughters. whenever i got a chance to get some shut eye i got nightmares whick kept me awake. Now im feeling very scared, guilty, confused and bewildered. Im unable to think rationally right now, I have contacted the refuge service and have reported to them about my situation and they are encouraging me to leave the house and not return as the current situation is going to pose grave danger to me and my girls and it actually is turning into dangerous situation. Im feeling nauseous and having a very nasty feeling in my tummy which is reaching too my head now (im starting to have a headache now). Im also scared of taking this step going into refuge as i cant seem to figure out what will happen to me and my girls? Desperately need help as im running out of time, im becoming irrational here, my girl is missing out on her school. I dont want to go back to my husband as situation is getting from bad to worse.