I have a very abusive husband, what help is out there for me (mother of 2)

[tikkaboti]

I had to register a new email and account so that this is not detected. I am a mother of 2 little girls 5 and 3. I am in a very bad situation. My husband is very emotionally abusive towards me and is driving me crazy. He is a bully and control freak. I am not allowed to work, I cannot meet my family, even my calls and emails are monitored. I have been married for 8 years and I am at the end of my tether. My husband loves our 2 little girls but he is turning them against me. The household environment is affecting my daughters negatively. He is constantly threatening to leave me and tries to convince my girls that they will be better off with another mother. He verbally abuses me every day, I feel like I am in a cage. He is unemployed and has been looking for work for over 4 years. He is always at home and rather than spending time looking for work, he spends his time trying to mentally torture me at. He does not let me work either. He does not let me have any money and locks up all my documents and takes away the computer so I can't do anything. I had to literally run away for a day to clear my mind. I am at a friends house now and fear to go back because he might use physical force on me. I believe he is bipolar. Overwhelmingly manipulative who cannot leave the past behind and blames all current difficulties on past events which had no relation to anything. He creates these stories in his head and believes them and then forcefully makes me believe them as well.

For 8 years, I have been living in this hell and I just want to find out what options I have so that I can have a better life for myself and my daughters. I do not want to leave him and that is not an option as my daughters love him very much.

I have tried my best and I just cannot change him or anything about his personality. I need advice on what to do. He is in need of counselling. Someone really needs to sit him down and tell him how to treat a family with respect otherwise there will be consequences. I have gone to my own family for help a few times and as consequence my family have become his mortal enemy (in his head).

He also uses religion to set fear in me on a daily basis. He says that I am your husband, know your place and I am your God so you will do what I say. He is always making me feel guilty for anything I do.

What can I do? Please help. I have looked at options like refuge and women's aid but I don't want to go to a refuge, leaving him is not an option.

Just keep telling yourself - you are doing the right thing.

Of course it is going to be scary and hard for you at first but it will get easier.

The worse he behaves and the more scared you get, should reinforce to you that you are doing the right thing.

You NEED to do this for your DC. You need to protect them.

Get to the refuge. They are used to this and will help you navigate through the practical and emotional problems you will encounter.

Your DH will get worse to try to intimidate you into stopping you standing up for yourself. Expect this and get all the help you can to resist him.

It doesn't matter if he is bad mouthing you to people. You only need to worry about your children and yourself.

Get out of that situation now.

I'm glad you're out, it sounded a horrible situation to be in. Your DD will catch up on her schooling - its not ideal, but its better that she misses a few days now and gets to have a home where she can be safe and happy in the long-run. Just make sure that the school know why she's not in, a phone call would be fine. I hope that you can get some help with accommodation from somewhere - don't be afraid about taking it, your situation means that you need this support.

Oh Tikka, I've read this thread with Tera in my eyes. I'm so glad you've left him, please stay strong and don't let him bully you into going back. Your daughters will thank you for this one day. Don't worry about missing school, a few days won't matter. Do let the school know what's going on though, make sure they know that your husband must never be allows to pick the girls up.

I hope with all my heart that you stay strong and start a new life for yourself and your girls. X

Not Tera (what is that?!), tears!

well done tikka, what an amazing brave thing you have done. Try and rest in the help of the refuge people. They will be used to helping people who feel as scared as you do.
Just try and focus on what you have to do for the next few minutes, or hours rather than longer term. Use all the help you can and don't be afraid to lean on all the people you come into contact with.
You will be safe and happy again and so will your lovely daughters.

Oh my lovely lady. Now you're out, stay out.

I know you may feel you are letting down your community, but you have to forget anyone else in this. You need to think about your children & yourself.

Keep on to woman's aid. Also get the police involved. Does your gp know anything?

Stay safe x

Tikka
You are being extremely brave. His behaviour was getting more physically intimidating and that is a very worrying sign. I'm so glad you are out of there as I think you were in very real danger.

Stay strong. You are doing the best thing for your daughters too. School work can be caught up but living with an angry and aggressive parent can cause lifelong problems.

Tikka, you are dong the best thing for yourself and your daughters. It's not the ideal thing in an ideal world, but it is the best thing in your situation.

You will be looked after and you will be able to look after your dds - once you're away from your husband you will be able to get yourself much more organised and in control of your life and the lives of your lovely children. I will offer up a prayer for you (I am Christian).

Tikka - I hope you do go to a refuge. They will look after you and guide you through the next stages. DOn't worry too much about school at the moment, keep your dds with you safe.

It sounds like he has got some idea of what you intend to do (how do they do that? It must be a change in confidence or something) so this is the most dangerous time - get out and stay out.

And bad-mouthing you about town ? So what. No-one else knows what you do, and if they did they would be horrified, i think.

thank for your support I really appreciate it.

Tikka have you ever been in a refuge? I went to one for support and my DS came along. In the end I found somewhere else to stay but my DS loved the toys and garden, there were supportive women there and an atmosphere of calm and safety. Basically they are a haven. They are a safe space for you and your girls to stay where you can begin to relax and unwind, and let your thoughts slow down a little.

Women's aid are very supportive and will help you with filling in forms for grants and benefits, housing, etc as I know it can feel so overwhelming.

Stay away from the house, keep your DDs close by, and take every bit of support that women's aid offer you.

Well done. Stay away. You will feel more rational at the refuge because the fear will subside. Your dH is in the wrong not you.

Well done for being so brave and getting out. You are bound to be in turmoil at first as you have made a massive change to your life in a very short time frame but, honestly, it will all get better as things settle down. A few days off school won't do your DD any harm and the doctor will still be there for an appointment next week. And as for your DH badmouthing you to your community, what can he possibly say that won't make him look really bad - they will know that women don't suddenly leave their husbands for no reason.

Women's Aid should be able to help more as they have so much experience of other women going through exactly what you are going through right now. But things will improve and the future will look much brighter.

Remember if your husband speaks rudely and aggressively about you in your community it just gives people very clear evidence of why you have chosen to leave.

Wow. Well done tika. I've been reading your story for a couple of days now and you are so brave. Stay brave for yourself and your daughters. There's a happier life for you in the future and you deserve it. Well done xx

Dear Tikka you have absolutely done te right thing, this bastard is evil and might do something extremely horrible to you and your DDs. So what about the community, they are the least of your worries, as for schooling don't worry they will catch up. The main thing is that you and your girls are safe. It will get better once you get everything back in order. Tat will happen in time. You are very brave lady, things can only get better now. Sending you and hugs

He is using nasty and vulgar language to your family, will not do him any favours and confrms to the why you eft.

Oh sweetheart!
I've just read this whole thread and was so happy to find out that you've left.
You WILL want to go back. But please stop yourself from doing so. The longer you're away, the easier it will get.
Well done you!

still thinking of you tonight Tikka, Hope you and your dcs get some sleep tonight

Hi everyone, its been 10+ days now at the safe house and the tension is releasing and i feel much relaxed now. thank you all for all your support. Kids are great at the house too and are having a good time as they get to go to play sessions once and twice during the day and get to spend all their energy in doig so many activities there. Im making friends, my paper work is being sorted out and they are working on getting to have my daughters admitted in the school nearby.

Now that im relaxed, A new feeling taking place in my mind that i suddenly feel lonely-like. Girls dont really have an idea where we are or why we are there.They are missing their dad and occassionally ask me when are we going back. As far as im concerned, Im trying to shut out emotional and feeling of love which is not exactly directed towards my husband. Its not exactly directed towards anyone, I just kind of suddenly feel lonely and loveless. Ive been getting a lot of emails from my husband lately, he is trying all the tactics that he could possibly play to get me to come back with the children. He is trying to get me to go through a tiresome guilt-trip (which is again started to take its toll) and the victim card. All of this attitude is draining out all of the love that i had from him. Since i almost always let him have his way with me to when it came to sex even at times when i simply hated it sometimes right after heated arguments and brawls. I'm suddenly feeling starved for affection and at the same time im thinking that falling in love again would be a sign of weakness. Im confused I want to think about my children and god id tell they mean the world to me but its just that i dont want to go back to their dad now. But what do i do if they keep on asking me to that they wanna go to their dad. I dont wanna portray myself weak and submissive anymore. I want to become strong and I want to stay strong in the future as well that if i ever get a chance to remarry i dont become, relaxed, dependent and submissive again. And the next one would love and appreciate me for the characteristics i regain here in this academy, Not forcefully change me into a weak, pathetic, needy and submissive zombie anymore.

Tikka you have so done the right thing, it will only get better and better. Better you be lonely than in that abusive situation, please do not go back that is not love, he is a nasty controlling bully. I would tell your DDs that mabey mummy ad daddy don't love ech other anymore, but you both love them very much, you are now hav to live away from him. Mabey in time you could gothrughte carts to sort out contact with him, but pease ignore anything from him. That is not love. You are such a strong and brave lady . As time goes on you will get stronger and stronger.

Courts to sort out contact doh sorry

They are children. You are the adult. You know it is not in their best interest, EVER, for any of you to go back.
Trust yourself, you are doing the only thing you can under these circumstances.
I was the child in a very similar situation, mum got us out and my real life started then. It was the best thing she ever did.

Tikka - you have already achieved so much by leaving with your children and you are doing the right thing for them AND you.

A major life change like this can easily leave people feeling totally and utterly emotionally overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself for a while. Stay strong

What on earth is there to love about someone who is such a nasty person??

Unless it is those traits that you love? ?? If it is then you would not of been unhappy and left.

Therefore, really think about it.... do you REALLY love him or are you in love with the thought of what he COULD of been. That nice person does not exist and if he did once before then he certainly doesn't now. If he loved you he would treat you with respect. Do you REALLY want to be with someone who thinks you are a piece of shit?

The loneliness is only because he was constantly with you and so you are now getting used to being an independent lady. You wont be lonely for long as he created this loneliness by cutting you off from everyone. Soon you will have made new friends and will see your family again.

If you go back to him then be careful as SS may get involved as he is abusive and he might turn on the children one day - especially as he sees females as a lesser being.