I have a very abusive husband, what help is out there for me (mother of 2)

[tikkaboti]

I had to register a new email and account so that this is not detected. I am a mother of 2 little girls 5 and 3. I am in a very bad situation. My husband is very emotionally abusive towards me and is driving me crazy. He is a bully and control freak. I am not allowed to work, I cannot meet my family, even my calls and emails are monitored. I have been married for 8 years and I am at the end of my tether. My husband loves our 2 little girls but he is turning them against me. The household environment is affecting my daughters negatively. He is constantly threatening to leave me and tries to convince my girls that they will be better off with another mother. He verbally abuses me every day, I feel like I am in a cage. He is unemployed and has been looking for work for over 4 years. He is always at home and rather than spending time looking for work, he spends his time trying to mentally torture me at. He does not let me work either. He does not let me have any money and locks up all my documents and takes away the computer so I can't do anything. I had to literally run away for a day to clear my mind. I am at a friends house now and fear to go back because he might use physical force on me. I believe he is bipolar. Overwhelmingly manipulative who cannot leave the past behind and blames all current difficulties on past events which had no relation to anything. He creates these stories in his head and believes them and then forcefully makes me believe them as well.

For 8 years, I have been living in this hell and I just want to find out what options I have so that I can have a better life for myself and my daughters. I do not want to leave him and that is not an option as my daughters love him very much.

I have tried my best and I just cannot change him or anything about his personality. I need advice on what to do. He is in need of counselling. Someone really needs to sit him down and tell him how to treat a family with respect otherwise there will be consequences. I have gone to my own family for help a few times and as consequence my family have become his mortal enemy (in his head).

He also uses religion to set fear in me on a daily basis. He says that I am your husband, know your place and I am your God so you will do what I say. He is always making me feel guilty for anything I do.

What can I do? Please help. I have looked at options like refuge and women's aid but I don't want to go to a refuge, leaving him is not an option.

I rarely like to comment on relationship type threads, but I have to say that your situation sounds absolutely dire.

I am glad you have found the courage to post so well done for that, and I do hope you can find it in you to follow the great advice you have been offered. At least call Women's Aid, and see what they have to say. You may find that you have more leeway than you think.

Personally, I think that leaving this man is your ONLY option. He is a control freak and a bully. He will never change. For your own safety and sanity, and that of your children, please get out of the relationship. Your life would improve beyond all recognition from what it is at the moment.

Most people who have been in an abusive relationship like yours have said at some point 'leaving is not an option'. But they did and they, and their children, were better off for it.

You are not alone in feeling how you do. Unfortunately many, many people have been in similar situations.

Do phone Women's Aid while you have the chance.

Thank you all very much for all your comments.

My friend has recommended that I post my issue here. They believe they are too attached to me so their advice might be biased. My whole family also knows about my manipulative husband but their hands are tied and the last time they came to help, I had to cut off all ties for 2 years with my whole family. Due to his manipulation, I started doubting my own family and considered them to be my enemy. I even started sending hate mail to my brothers and mother because of him.

I am an Asian Muslim woman. The society that I live in is very unforgiving about separation. I also do not want to leave him as that will separate the kids from their dad. They love him but they are very young to understand the situation. They are very upset about our constant fighting and the negative atmosphere. My 5 year old often comes to me with tears in her eyes and asks me if I am abandoning her, these are the ideas my husband is planting in her head.

What I need really is not advice about leaving him, I just need to know how to shake him out of this situation and make him realise that he needs to change otherwise our family and future is in danger. He has said over and over to me that he wont change and I will have to live like this for the rest of my life. I am just holding on to this glimmer of hope that it can be better.

If this requires some time out, then I would be open to that but in the worst case scenario, I would like to know what assistance is available to me like financially, housing, support, childcare and benefits. Currently, I have absolutely no access to money and he keeps all the money and benefit payments in his account.

There are a million other things that I can say. I remember everything from the last 8 years. Day be day I am getting more and more depressed, there have been times where I have had suicidal thoughts but I go on for my daughters.

Tikka you might never be able to change him, you can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink. you might never be able to change him, for that leaving might be the best option. Go to Citizens Advice bureau they will offer good advice, and Womans Aid.

He will not change. You need to get out of there.

The society that I live in is very unforgiving about separation - so what? You're living with an abusive bastard and you need to get away from him. If they won't support you, find people who will.

What I need really is not advice about leaving him, I just need to know how to shake him out of this situation and make him realise that he needs to change otherwise our family and future is in danger. - I beg to differ, you really do need advice on how to leave him. Behaviour like that doesn't simply get shaken out of someone.

He has said over and over to me that he wont change and I will have to live like this for the rest of my life. I am just holding on to this glimmer of hope that it can be better. Actually listen to this piece of shit when he says you'll have to live like that for the rest of your life.

Is that what you really want for your daughters?

nour-dv.org.uk/

Perhaps these people can help.

Or something here.

mwnuk.co.uk/directory.php?s1=1&selAreaID=6&selIssueID=4&id=25

all you know is that you cannot go on like this, and you need to be strong.

Since he is repeatedly saying he won't change counselling would be of no use to him and I doubt he would go anyway. Ne won't see anything any differently through anything you do I'm afraid.

I'm sorry but leaving him would appear to be the only option to keep you and your daughters safe.

Your daughters can still see their dad. They don't need to be living with him in this awful environment.

He will not change and seriously the ONLY OPTION is for you to leave with your daughters.

That's all that can be said.

You cant shake anything out of him. Trust me!

I agree worra, you need to leave, you are in a hopeless relationship with a bastard of a man. you need to leave, put your daughters first, is that what yofu want them to see, that this is normal! Womans Aid, Refuge, and Citizen Advice bureau.

Nour is an Islamic organisation but you can see that they advice women to contact the police and women's aid on their website.

nour-dv.org.uk/need-help-now/

Advise, not advice.

I had to run away today. My daughters are still at home. I need to go them as soon as possible this has been very insightful. Thank you all very much. I will keep checking back for advice and opinions.

I have contacted women's aid and I will call them back tomorrow morning from a quite place. I hope I can get away again.

www.southallblacksisters.org.uk/domestic-violence/

Even if you aren't in London, Southall black sisters can offer advice...

Imagine an evening: you've helped your girls finish their homework and after supper you all read a story together in bed. The girls are asleep - a little late, because there was a lot of giggling and laughing in the process.
You tuck them in and as you turn out the light - you realise that you have had a good day - full of smiles and not a single bad word said against you. That knot in your stomach? Gone. Looking over your shoulder? Gone Listening out for 'him'? Gone

This is worth fighting for and will come quicker than you think, if you leave. That's what happened when my mum finally left my dad for good.
Leave and don't look back.
Your kids will be happier with a happy mum.

Good luck

I am sorry you are going through this. You have had good advice. Keep safe and for the sake of your daughters please leave him. His behaviour is not acceptable in the UK and you are part of UK society and your daughters must grow up to be part of it; to be confident and to be equal to everyone else within it.

tikka God, the creator does not want one single child of his to suffer this. It is not done in His name. Your husband does not have any right, religious or cultural, to treat you this way.
You are not obliged to live in misery and fear for the rest of your life. Your duty to God is to flourish, be happy and bring your girls up the same way. That is the bottom line there.
Find all the help you can get, take a big breath and GO. Don't look back, don't worry what anyone else will think. They don't know what you are suffering.
Reach out to your family tomorrow. Ring them, tell them, let them help you i am very sure they are only waiting for the word from you.
Your husband is going to have to work out his own problems for himself, it is not your duty. Your girls need you more than he does.
All the very best of luck and I will be keeping an eye out for your updates.

Your husband has said that he won't change. I am sure that is true. He won't. The one and only favour that he is doing you is confirming this, so that should tell you that the only way you can improve things for yourself and your children is to get out as soon as you can. Otherwise, you are condemning yourselves to this miserable life of penury.

If you separated from him and got out with your daughters then I think you should be entitled to claim the child benefit for yourself. There would be other benefits you would be entitled to claim whilst you were getting onto your feet and/or looking to get work.

I find your posts rather worrying. I wonder if you are safe at all in his presence, and if your daughters are?? Please think of that.

Oh tikka, your little girl with tears in her eyes asking that question is heartbreaking. Your post struck a nerve because I am also an Asian Muslim woman, with two little girls. However my DH is amazing (alhamdullilah). I want to say so much, I wish I could sit with you in person and talk. Your post really made me sad, and although I am in bed and almost incoherent with sleep, I will try to get some of my immediate thoughts out as I read your post.

Although I belong to the same culture and community as you, I see myself as a human being first, a woman with my own passionate thoughts and views, my own desires, interests, hopes and dreams and my very own personal goals in life.
He is crushing all this out of you.

He has no fucking right to do this.

Islam does not restrict any of the above and neither does it say to live in fear and depression FROM ANYONE.

In Islam there are two types of divorce. Male initiated (talaq) and female iniated (Khula).

The Khula is there for a reason, op. It is for women like you who are suffering at the hands of an abusive bully. The Beloved Prophet (pbuh) spoke constantly about behaviour towards your spouses. In his last speech before his death he told the men, 'the BEST among you is the one who is best with his wife.'

Nowhere in Islam does it say that a husband is God.

He is not your God.

Fuck culture. Set fire to this shit that we are expected to adhere to all our lives (I never did, do or will).

Be a strong, amazing role model to your daughters.

Lift your head up high, op and do something. Be strong. Don't buy into this male serving culture crap all your life.

You ran away??

But are you back in the house now?

Are you ok?

Well done for contacting Women's Aid! Step one. you can do this for your children and yourself.

You really do need to leave OP. you'll get a lot of support from here.
Stay safe.

How does the lazy bastard get away with not working for 4 years??

Great post Teajunky.

OP where are you? Are you sure your girls are safe?!