My employer wants me to work away for a few days

[Missfloweryname]

Hi, I am going back to work part time after having my DS. Once a year there is an event which involves working away for a few days. It's not mandatory but it's expected. Two of the 3 day event are my working days so I am expected to go. I would be a 2-3 hour drive away and I don't feel comfortable driving on the motorway so I would probably have to use public transport if I went. But basically I don't want to go!! Working 9-5 3 days a week is one thing but to be hours away from home and stay away over night is too much I think! My priorities are different now and I would hate to be that far away from my DS who would only be 11 months old at the time!! Going back to work is bad enough but we need the money. Am I being un reasonable not wanting to go? Or is it unreasonable them expecting me to go now I'm a mum? I would be grateful for your thoughts on this :-)

DH goes to the gym when he is away.

I can't imagine why.

I like to sit in the bed eat chips and watch trashy TV.

My boys think I am awesome. Because I am obviously. They don't appear miserable.

Afterall I have never done this myself...but she could always do a sickie. Surely better to be straight upfront that she will not be attending this year.

Don't blame you for feeling a bit woeful about it - your ds is still very small and while you are still at home it probably does feel like a big deal. It'll be far less daunting once you are back at work and in the swing of things. Obv. it's not unreasonable of your employer to expect you to go, as you've gathered from everyone else.

Your ds and dp will be fine. Make sure you get paid for the third day, mind.

(I have just returned from a wearisome work event spread over three days where the whole organisation has to go. Deeply dull/irritating in all sorts of ways. So I do sympathise - if there had been any way of getting out of last weekend, I would have jumped at it...)

Re-read the thread if you don't think you were all with rare exceptions being bitchy.

MI, you know my job... if you did it, I promise you'd be grateful for any reason to get out of last weekend's conference, even if it did involve pandering to sexism.

Tantrums, is there another space on the bench ?

[whispers very quietly] usually I can't wait to go to work on a Monday morning. It's like a paradise of sustained sitting down, adult chat and mumsnetting in my lunchhour having a gentle stroll at lunchtime

Yanbu, I would absolutely hate this too. If it's not mandatory, I wouldn't go tbh. Your ds is still young and your employers should understand.

Plenty of space on the bench

lol at hard faced careerist bitch

I'm a part time bottom of the ladder working mother who loves their child just as much as the OP loves hers

its because of stuff like this (suddenly unable to do your job as you are a mother) that makes it harder for women in the long run as bosses will develop prejudices when it comes to hiring.

men should step up to the parenting plate a lot more and women should let/ demand it of them.

Women will always have these problems in the workplace as long as they keep on doing the lions share of the child care. The majority of men are lucky enough to have their careers unaffected by becoming a parent. Lucky men hey

Don't say that Nigel we are supposed to be torn between two worlds.

Not actually rather enjoying the contrasts.

Bloody hell, all this fuss, you would have thought that the OP had been asked to re locate to some where at the other side of the globe at a minutes notice. She is only going somewhere that is 3 hours away at most.

Options are simple

Go and stay
Go and come home, get up early and go again.

You want the job, you are happy to take the pay every month,you are part of a team, you have a partner who is more than happy to take over baby duties. You are in a hugely better place than a lot of other people at the moment.

As your op says it's just that you don't want to go.
Well I don't want to work every other weekend but like I said before to you I realize that I am getting paid every month, I need (want) the money and I am in a position a lot of other people want to be in, so I just get on with it.

''You can look at this as a positive opportunity- if your lo is going to be with your partner more, this is an ideal opportunity to get them to spend some time together and for him to get used to doing the whole shebang, not just the fun bits with the assumption it will always be you doing everything. I really think this is so valuable because if the dad sees themselves as capable and able to fully care for the children.''

Agree with this from Mumsyblouse it is also positive in another sense in that your DH may do things differently from you, but that doesn't mean it is wrong and it could be a lovely time for the two of them to know eachother better. You have some time to prepare for this so get him used to settling him.

I think that going back to work is always daunting, it won't be so bad once you go back. I wouldn't commute that distance for three days, you won't have any meaningful time with your child as you will probably leave as they wake up and get back at or after bedtime.

I'm sure my DH would be a bit pissed off being described as a 'secondary' carer. He goes away for a day or two every couple of months and a week abroad each year. I would say that DS (6yo) misses him more than the younger two as he understands more. The other two just get on with it.

Surely if you refuse to go because you need to 'look after your baby' and there is NO ONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO CAN DO THIS APART FROM YOU it wont help mothers who make a choice and try and have a career and kids. Where is the father?

I have seen friends time and time ago for the ego boost that says 'she wont settle with anyone but me'. I am the centre of their universe. Lets lock the Dad out - after all he is only a man and wont be able to do what I do...

Please - if you dont want to work then find a job where you wont be expected to travel.

Can i go please?

Another bitch faced careerist here :)

Since I had ds1 I've been away two nights, three days every year to our annual conference. This year's is in December when ds2 will be six months and I'm going to go. He'll be fine, like ds1 was always fine, at home with daddy.

OP at the moment I know it seems terrifying but I promise it'll be ok. Give yourself licence to enjoy it.

It seems that a lot of women feel their children's fathers are incapable of child care, and won't allow them to get fully involved and set off this ridiculous vicious of circle of being martyred that they are stuck at home and can't possibly go away (OP this is not a specific dig at you BTW, just a general observation on other comments).

My DH cared equally for our DT's - he had to, we had no other help - when he was home from work and at weekends. They were our children and he was as responsible for their care as I was - I was encouraged to go away for a day/weekend when it became possible, he took them out every Sunday for 3 hours to give me the house to myself and we have always shared parenting. There has never been an occasion when I have not felt able to leave them with him. Likewise I have been happy for him to have w/ends away for a break too. All irrelevant now as they are at uni!

A lot of the time these things are only difficult because we make it that way.

I'm not sure I would have gone when my DC were 11 months. We were having awful trouble with DC1 and sleep at that age, very stressful.

Edam

Absolutely handcream these mummy martyr posts make me sick . Your baby has a father - to be perfectly blunt, what would happen if you had to go into hospital or dropped dead? Your baby would soon adapt to someone else caring for him/her. I made absolutely sure that when my baby was born he was never 100% reliant on me - his father is just as important in his life.

Change - surely an even better reason for you to get away and have a good night's sleep? .

Ragwort, why do you think its the mother who makes the child dependent on them? I asked (begged) DH to take DS in the evenings at the weekend from early on. He wouldn't wake up or would wake me up two minutes later and say he wants a feed. He never did anything for DS at night until he was 11 months old. DH even complained if I patted DS at night as it kept him awake.

frostyfingers we have young twins too, DH has to be a full on parent, and say it quietly he really enjoys it and is a great father.

His employers have also been great, not expected to go to conference on another continent 6 weeks after I had twins, no overseas travel just before I was due to give birth (overseas travel was a large part of that job) and going in late to work as he stayed overnight with DS1 when he was taken into hospital. Some employers are flexible with parents, it works both ways.

YANBU and please don't let anyone tell you that you are.

You've posted in AIBU and people like to have a go IMO. If you'd posted in breast & bottle feeding, parenting or employment issues you would undoubtably have got a more balanced response.

At 11 months, your employer would by law need to keep your job open if you had decided your baby was too young for you to come to work at all. Being away for 3 days is a bigger ask IMO. Some mums and babies might be fine with this but some may not.

I left DS with MIL for New Years Eve when he was 12 months. She said he was fine, but she later admitted that he screamed for pretty much 6 hours

I can't believe the unsupportiveness of the comments on this thread (well actually I can, this is AIBU). You're not saying you can't go because you;re a mother, full stop. You're saying you can't go because you're a mother of a very young baby!

You're instincts are right IMO. If your baby is breastfed and used to you being around, 3 days away from you all of a sudden could be very distressing indeed. And it could mess with BFing, which could affect the long term health of your child, ultimately.

In your shoes I'd ask about being allowed not to go this year (reminding them that you are back to work early - you did not take the full year, as you are entitled to). If they said no, I'd start looking for a new job asap.

And next time you have a serious question, please post it somewhere other than AIBU!

Sorry, should have said "very young child", not "very young baby"!