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AIBU?

My employer wants me to work away for a few days

238 replies

Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 09:12

Hi, I am going back to work part time after having my DS. Once a year there is an event which involves working away for a few days. It's not mandatory but it's expected. Two of the 3 day event are my working days so I am expected to go. I would be a 2-3 hour drive away and I don't feel comfortable driving on the motorway so I would probably have to use public transport if I went. But basically I don't want to go!! Working 9-5 3 days a week is one thing but to be hours away from home and stay away over night is too much I think! My priorities are different now and I would hate to be that far away from my DS who would only be 11 months old at the time!! Going back to work is bad enough but we need the money. Am I being un reasonable not wanting to go? Or is it unreasonable them expecting me to go now I'm a mum? I would be grateful for your thoughts on this :-)

OP posts:

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/10/2013 11:15

exactly silver

Why would your child be so bloody dependent on one parent that they cannot cope without you?
It is a team effort, isnt it? My DH probably spent more time with ds2 in the first year of his life than I did, he is now 10 and it hasnt made the slightest bit of difference to our relationship.

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 11:16

is OP bf then because I didn't actually see that mentioned ?

kiriwawa · 07/10/2013 11:17

The OP isn't breastfeeding so that's irrelevant. I also know a lot of women who travel without their babies and continue to BF. By 11 months, your supply is well established

CreatureRetorts · 07/10/2013 11:19

Some of you people are harsh.

Why the need for an overnight thingy in the first place? And what about people with other caring responsibilities etc?

Most jobs do not allow employees to bring their own person leisure time into office hours so why should a job encroach on someone's own time? Which is basically what an overnight means.

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 11:19

my husband would be hugely hirt and embarrassed if it was assumed he couldnt cope for a couple of days alone with his own child!

the whole 'mothers cant possibly dare leave their under 1s' is pathetic. I was adopted at under 1 and as long ad a baby is well cared for, loved and interacted with it doesnt make any difference who is doing that

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 11:19

Well, I've also got two soon-to-be-on-the -jobmarket children...
Perhaps I should be doing all I can to push the Babies Need Mummies agenda and all mothers should SAH until their bubbas are...um...6? 10?...13?

flipchart · 07/10/2013 11:20

I first went away when DS1 was 4months old on a long wekend training course at Plas Y Brenin.

DH has been hands on since the second he was born so he took over everything, housework was done,meal waiting when I got back and him and the baby had visited relatives, gone for walks round Barley and Pendle.

Since then I have been away very regularly both with work and with friends.
Up until two years ago I went away on residentials with young people about 8 times a year. (sometimes my kids would come with me)

My boys are 17 and 14 now and as a family we are very close. They didn't forget who was their 'primary carer' for goodness sake!
DH is more than capable at looking after babies. I'm sure your DH is as well.
You are working part of a team, you can't pick and choose what you do without looking obstructive and anyway once you are there you may enjoy it.

flipchart · 07/10/2013 11:23

Most jobs do not allow employees to bring their own person leisure time into office hours so why should a job encroach on someone's own time?

I think you will find that the OP doesn't have to stay over. They aren't forcing her too. It's just that she will have up to 3 hour communte each way.

Most people would, I guess, prefer to have the comfort of a hotel for the night especially if the company pays!

PlayedThePinkOboe · 07/10/2013 11:25

What NotYoMama said, my husband is my co-parent. If I can't trust him to look after our children, who can I?

OP, you are of course BU. Fwiw I had to stay away 2 nights when my youngest was 7 months and it was fucking bliss. Room service, uninterrupted bath, remote control... Aaaaah.

Unexpected · 07/10/2013 11:26

Creature Retorts if people have caring responsibilities which prevent them from travelling, then they should discuss with HR/their line manager. Having a seriously ill partner, being primary carer for a parent with dementia etc might be reasons why it would be difficult to stay away from home. Simply having to leave your child with their other parent (shock) who is presumably competent to look after their OWN child is not a good reason not to go away. As regards eating into the OPs leisure time, I think you'll find, as I mentioned in a previous post, this will be more than balanced out by the times when nursery ring mid-morning to tell the OP that her child has thrown up and has to be collected NOW!

zower · 07/10/2013 11:26

i can really understand you reluctance OP i felt very close to my son at that age and him to me. i hope you find a way through it.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 07/10/2013 11:28

Well I am obvioulsy in the minority here beacuse I wouldn't leave my baby for 2 nights either. I have never left my children overnight even though they are older now. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing it, I know lots of people who do but I just wouldn't have felt comfortable doing it and I still wouldn't.

So Missfloweryname, I don't think YABU but then neither is your employer. I think I would find some excuse not to go though if it was me.

zower · 07/10/2013 11:33

jeez, so many rude and hard posters again, even swearing at the OP who is clearly a naturally loving and sensitive mother. I despair of MN attm, there seem to be a whole bunch of bossy battleaxes on here who seem to positively enjoy berating OPs.

BrokenSunglasses · 07/10/2013 11:34

Tbh, despite my saying that I think OP is BU to expect her employer to let her off certain aspects of her job just because she's a parent, I would feel the same as her and Froken and i wouldnt have left my children for that long at that age. The difference is that I wouldn't expect to be able to keep my job and I wouldn't expect my employer or colleagues to accommodate me.

I also don't think you can discriminate between bfin and non bfing mothers. Whether someone is bfing or not is irrelevant to their job, and giving mothers space to express if they need to in the workplace is enough.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/10/2013 11:35

Funnily enough zower we all feel close to our children.

I would imagine that most of us also trust that the person we chose to have children with is quite able to cope with looking after their own child.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 07/10/2013 11:38

'I think OP will be one of those mums demanding all the best holidays at work because she is a Mum'.

I think so too. And I agree that this sort of attitude doesn't exactly help to improve employers' opinions of women of child-bearing age.

OP, your baby has two parents and the other parent, one has to assume, is perfectly capable of looking after him.

YABU.

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 11:40

but a lot of us are also naturally loving and sensitive mothers.

we just dont try to delude ourselves that not going is for the benefit of the baby rather tHan for the benefot of herself.

OP didnt say anything about not trusting her dp, her main reason was 'i just dont want to ' and 'i am a mother' to which a lot of us equally caring and loving mothers have responded

and?

flowery · 07/10/2013 11:41

"i felt very close to my son at that age and him to me"

Oh that explains it! That's why I was able to leave DS1 with DH at 10 weeks. I wasn't close to him! Silly me.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/10/2013 11:44

The trouble is "finding an excuse not to go" means putting more work on another employee. Who may well also be a parent or someone who has other reasons not to want to go.

Its not fair on everyone else who has accepted that this event is only once a year and has arranged their lives accordingly.

Its not fair to expect everyone else to pick up the slack because you do not want to leave your child.

Either do the job properly or do not do it all. Dont expect everyone else to do the bits that you do not want to do.

Bowlersarm · 07/10/2013 11:44

zower are you telling the people posting not agreeing with the OP that they aren't loving mothers?

The OP has a responsibility to her employers. This once a year event is not new. She knows she has an obligation to help at this event. if she doesn't want to do it she should get another job, and let one of the thousands of people who would be thrilled to have her job, have it.

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 11:45

clearly not flowry

I must have not been close to dd either. in fact a possibly failed her completely when I went away for a weekend when she was one whispers to relax with some friends

actually I came home to beaming smiles, cuddles and a chatty and well fed and loved baby I could have died from shock, I though she would have just wasted away without me

Chippednailvarnish · 07/10/2013 11:46

You're clearly a terrible mother flowery

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KatoPotato · 07/10/2013 11:52

You can't question how close or loving a mother is like this zowler

I'll admit it, I sometimes enjoy working away, getting to have my handbag filled with items just for me, getting a meal, a bath, a huge bed and breakfast all to myself and of course doing a good job while I'm there.

I facetime DH and DS at bed and morning time, then come home refreshed and happy.

ArbitraryUsername · 07/10/2013 11:53

See, if this were a weekly or even monthly event, the OP would get more sympathy. But it's not. It's something she'll be required to do twice a year. 4 to 6 nights of not doing bedtime a year. And she could commute rather than staying over, if she chose to.

Sometimes missing bedtime, or tea time is inevitable in parenthood. It isn't cruel and detached mothers who don't give a shit about their kids that realise this; it's just pragmatic ones. It won't harm the baby any more than the OP going out with her friends would.

flipchart · 07/10/2013 11:53

Bloody hell!!

After all these years of running round after my boys, making them meals they liked, taking them to places they love going to, having great times together, chatting about nothing and everything, having 'in' jokes as a family, having our own traditions, having a kiss goodbye and hello everyday even having a pint with DS1 after going to a sports game with him I thought I was quite loving.

Apparently not because I went away when he was little!(and still do!) Poor mite ( well he is not a poor mite, he is 6ft 4 and lovely!!)

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