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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My employer wants me to work away for a few days

238 replies

Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 09:12

Hi, I am going back to work part time after having my DS. Once a year there is an event which involves working away for a few days. It's not mandatory but it's expected. Two of the 3 day event are my working days so I am expected to go. I would be a 2-3 hour drive away and I don't feel comfortable driving on the motorway so I would probably have to use public transport if I went. But basically I don't want to go!! Working 9-5 3 days a week is one thing but to be hours away from home and stay away over night is too much I think! My priorities are different now and I would hate to be that far away from my DS who would only be 11 months old at the time!! Going back to work is bad enough but we need the money. Am I being un reasonable not wanting to go? Or is it unreasonable them expecting me to go now I'm a mum? I would be grateful for your thoughts on this :-)

OP posts:
froken · 07/10/2013 13:02

froken, has it occurred to you that your son's responses might be alleviated if he was more used to being left with other adults who love him and could care for him? So that he wasn't so disconcerted when things changed for a brief period of time?

I hadn't thought of it like that, it's a good point! I will keep that in mind when he starts daycare to try to stop myself feeling worried.

It was a stressful trip and it was also around the time ds became "mummyish" ( I'm not sure if there is an English word for that) so those factors could have contributed to his reaction. Dp is a lovely dad, he looks after ds 50% of the time now ( although he didn't at the time) so I'm not worried that there is something wrong with their relationship they are at baby singing at the moment so I can rest mumsnet I don't think dads are any less able to parent, given the choice I'd want both of ds's parents to see him every day.

ukatlast · 07/10/2013 13:04

Ironically, true family-friendliness from a Corporation would be HR realising OP's child is a bit young to be left overnight 2-3 hours drive away.
They could also supply a babysitter on site if her attendance were so crucial.
Trying to outmen the men is ultimately fruitless - your kids are only young for a very short time.

I very much doubt that not attending will impair OP's ability to do her job as some have implied. It should be her choice based on her feelings at the time.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 13:05

"hard-faced bitch careerist"

how delightful

Morloth · 07/10/2013 13:08

I LOL'd at that and that hardly ever happens.

Unexpected · 07/10/2013 13:08

Anyfucker - I know! Grin

I am twirling around mataphorically tying on my new title from the vantage point of my two-day-a-week job!

ukatlast · 07/10/2013 13:09

Tanrumsandballoons - I chose to SAH, so doesn't apply to me but I would suggest if the majority find it logistically difficult, it would be better and cheaper to run such courses on a 'day only' basis and at least that would get you out of that crap evening stuff they do. I think they are called Awaydays. Cheaper for company too.

My company did do nights away but female colleagues with young kids were not pressurised.

Unexpected · 07/10/2013 13:09

trying - not tying. Obviously, proof-reading does not form part of my bitch responsibilities.

ukatlast · 07/10/2013 13:09

Anyfucker - what a delightful choice of username.

TenaciousOne · 07/10/2013 13:10

YANBU, as it means spending a night away. DS at 11 months wouldn't have slept at all without his night feed and would have been awake in several times wanting a feed. I also wouldn't want to be away from him at night either and I still wouldn't now that he is 2.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 13:11

I can change my username though....

Morloth · 07/10/2013 13:11

God there is a tussle in my office over who gets to go.

No pressure required.

All of my scientists are women, most of them have kids. If we all decided not to go/take the kids it would be a disaster.

motherinferior · 07/10/2013 13:11

I hate that cliché 'for such a short time'. If you were given a prison sentence of five years, would you say blithely that was just for a short time? Especially if someone then imposed another one on you a couple of years in....

Not saying, obviously, that the stifling powerlessness of early childhood is like prison. But it isn't for just a short time. Feels like forever, when you're going through it. Especially as you're awake for so much of it.

handcream · 07/10/2013 13:12

I am wondering when Mum's are saying their child is clingy, wakes up in the middle of the night looking for them, night feeds etc.

What has this to do with your employer??

motherinferior · 07/10/2013 13:13

I'd far rather a company acknowledges fathers' parenting responsibilities than makes kindly exceptions for women's.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 07/10/2013 13:13

'hard-faced bitch careerist ones.'

Nice. Classy. Constructive.

'Anyfucker - what a delightful choice of username.'

Bit rich in the light of the above, no?

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 13:14

well said, MI

giving women excuses for not fulfilling their job role as they should do lets men off the hook

unless of course men are given similar dispensations (but we know they are not, and nor do they feel entitled to them)

Chippednailvarnish · 07/10/2013 13:15

Yep, my entire education and professional life is all because I want to outmen the men.
Nothing whatsoever about the financial security, intellectual satisfaction and job satisfaction I get from being away from my dcs 3 days a week for 8 hours a day.

Talkinpeace · 07/10/2013 13:15

When DS was 8 months old I had to go into hospital for an op for three days.
He and DD (then 2) were brought in once to visit me, but as I looked rather a mess they stayed away after that.
DH coped, they coped.
Frankly you are underestimating the resilience of your child.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/10/2013 13:16

ukalast whether you agree with overnight events is irelevant.
The OP knew this event was happening.
She knew she would be expected to attend.

So IMVHO she can't suddenly decide she doesn't want to leave her child and make everyone else cover for her. Just because she decided to have a baby.
I'm sure she isn't the only parent working for that company.

I may put that on my business cards Grin

TenaciousOne · 07/10/2013 13:16

handcream - It doesn't have anything to do with the employer but for me it means I wouldn't go somewhere overnight without DS for work.

ukatlast · 07/10/2013 13:17

Quote Bonkers:I don't think YABU and I don't think your employers ABU either. Imagine if they said "we know you have an 11 months old baby so we are not asking you to come on this trip". There would be outrage. Women have fought to be treated equally in the work place. It works both ways. '

Bonkers this is called 'equality of misery' and is where people are going wrong. Her employer giving her the choice, her employer giving a male colleague with an elderly mother to care for, the choice is entirely what a reasonable employer should be doing.
You should be standing up for fairness according to individual circumstances for everyone not equality of misery.

OhDearNigel · 07/10/2013 13:18

I would be grateful for your thoughts on this :-)

My thoughts would be 2 nights of uninterrupted sleep, bed to myself, possibility of having a few nice quiet drinks in the evening, maybe a hotel gyn to use, a stack of DVDs and my laptop, WHEN CAN I GO ?????

GoldenGytha · 07/10/2013 13:18

I'm with you jellybeans

I would have hated this, and it would be an ordeal for me, not "A break" or "Bliss"

I also used to work 12 hours on a Sunday, and hated being away from my DC, and they were not babies at this time.

YANBU, If it isn't mandatory, I would also refuse to go, Missflowery

ukatlast · 07/10/2013 13:20

Tantrums - I thought she is still on mat leave or has only just gone back. She is probably thinking ahead - it may not even be an issue with her line manager as we are not all unaware of employment law or unable to see that someone may have personal reasons for not attending. This event is likely a teambuilding course - in which case no one needs cover for her.

motherinferior · 07/10/2013 13:20

I don't want that choice, thanks. I want choices, day to day ones, about work hours and about fathers' work hours and about doing my job, not getting out of it.