My employer wants me to work away for a few days

[Missfloweryname]

Hi, I am going back to work part time after having my DS. Once a year there is an event which involves working away for a few days. It's not mandatory but it's expected. Two of the 3 day event are my working days so I am expected to go. I would be a 2-3 hour drive away and I don't feel comfortable driving on the motorway so I would probably have to use public transport if I went. But basically I don't want to go!! Working 9-5 3 days a week is one thing but to be hours away from home and stay away over night is too much I think! My priorities are different now and I would hate to be that far away from my DS who would only be 11 months old at the time!! Going back to work is bad enough but we need the money. Am I being un reasonable not wanting to go? Or is it unreasonable them expecting me to go now I'm a mum? I would be grateful for your thoughts on this :-)

[Weissbier]

The first time is the worst OP (for you, your baby will be fine) but if it makes you feel any better I left my 11-month old DD1 to go to Canada to work for 12 days...She was fine. I maybe go away once a month on a 2-3 day work trip within Europe and while the first year it takes some organisation on my part with bfeeding, the children are fine and looked after by their father while I am away. Honestly, 2 hours' drive within the UK, 2 nights away, baby with her father, this is not child abuse. Imagine you were your DC's dad. You wouldn't give this another thought, and nor would anyone else.

What about a motorway driving lesson if you hate mway driving but it'd be much easier to go by car? Then if anything happened you could get back any time and that might be reassuring.

Also you will probably feel better about it generally once you've actually gone back to work, the anticipation's worse than the reality. Good luck and try not to worry.

My dad looked after me when I was small and Mum went out to work. It was fine and I still love my mum !

[Bowlersarm]

She is not still breastfeeding. If you can't be bothered to read the whole thread, at least be bothered to read the OPs posts.

[ilovebabytv]

I agree with threefeet. You should have replaced 'employer' with 'mil' and I can guarantee you there would have been a fucking uproar at the very thought of leaving your child when you didn't feel ready. And I say that as someone who was happy to leave her child willy nilly for a bit of peace :D

[OhDearNigel]

Women will always have these problems in the workplace as long as they keep on doing the lions share of the child care

But she has someone to do the childcare. She just doesn't want to do. You cannot blame this on her employer, they have expected her to go just as they have expected everyone else to go.
It's not her employer's fault that she's pulling the poor little woman whose employers are being unfair card.

[NotYoMomma]

I dont think 'she will only settle for me' is anything to be smug about, it must be bloody hard.

it may be these people who dont let/ want ttheir dps to play an active role and wouldnt dream of leaving a child with them will be the ones crying in AIBU in the future as they have somehow ended up doing all the housework and all baby things and working and stressing while their dp is totally disconnected infront of the tv

wild ott shit stirring speculation

[Talkinpeace]

when I went into hospital I was still breastfeeding .... the anaesthetic stopped my milk completely for a week but it came back.
kids were more freaked by my face when I came home (nose surgery) than by my absence.

Kids cope with multiple carers.

If you don't want it that way, don't expect employers to bend the law for you.

[jeansthatfit]

I'm not someone who enjoys a night away from their children. I miss them and don't get that feeling of a 'break'. There's nothing wrong with that. I always go for the 'long commute' option rather than an overnight when I have to choose.

I am also the main earner in my family. So I'm very very aware of the responsiblity that comes with being employed.

A job which you can return to part time and wants you to do ONE short stay away a year is a damn good deal for a working parent who does not want to return to work fulltime.

If I was the OP I would consider the employer to have done the 'family friendly' bit by letting me go part time. If that doesn't suit, they need to look for another job. Or perhaps not one at all if they find this one concession hard to make. Seriously - there is a big difference between expecting an employer not to treat everyone as if they were single childless men - and expecting the world to revolve around you.

[jeansthatfit]

PS OP, sort out that motorway driving issue. I don't like driving full stop - but I make sure I do it so I don't become dependent on others, or can only use public transport. Knowing I can jump in a car in an emergency and get back to my family quickly if I have to gives me peace of mind. You really can't ask an employer to compromise on where they ask you to go partly because you 'don't feel comfortable' driving on the motorway.

[kiriwawa]

I agree with you NotYo, but I do think some women revel in it a bit. They want to be the centre of their child's world and feel that no one else is quite as good. And I don't think it does anyone in the family much good tbh - it doesn't build solid foundations for a relationship between a father and his kids if he's reduced to a 'helper' role.

[MrsOakenshield]

You should have replaced 'employer' with 'mil' and I can guarantee you there would have been a fucking uproar at the very thought of leaving your child when you didn't feel ready.

but the OP (or anyone in this position) doesn't have any obligation to their MIL. They do have an obligation to their employer and colleagues.

I agree that the real issue is that companies and, to be honest, fathers are crap at ensuring that both parents are given some degree of flexibility, whilst being aware of their responsibilities in the workplace. I wonder how many fathers take up the option to cover half of maternity leave, now that this option is available? Are they fighting for their employers to ensure that this is made feasible? My gut instinct tells me not, though I would love to be proved wrong.

[OhDearNigel]

You should have replaced 'employer' with 'mil' and I can guarantee you there would have been a fucking uproar at the very thought of leaving

It's hardly the same thing. Most DILs aren't on their MILs payroll

[NotYoMomma]

no I am in total agreement with you kiriwara. trying to be sarcastic on the internet has failed me lol

[froken]

No one has an obligation to work uncontracted antisocial hours. It is great if you can or want to but youdon't have to.

Just because your employer pays your wage doesn't mean they own your life. If a person doesn't want to go away on a work trip they shouldn't be made to feel guilty.

[flowery]

I don't think wanting an employee to participate in a trip of 2 nights once a year could constitute an employer thinking they own someone's life. Anyway, the OP has already said it's not compulsory, but has identified that it would be sensible to go if possible.

If employees want flexibility from an employer wrt going part time, dealing with child sickness etc, it is sensible to show a bit of willing back where possible, rather than working to rule and only doing what is specifically stated in a contract.

[handcream]

I think the OP needs to be careful here. She has a part time job. She is only required to go away for a few days A YEAR.

All of you who are saying 'leave, demand this and that'. You arent the same people who are complaining there are no part time roles and if there are they wont let you take emergency leave, first choice for hols just because you have kids are you...

[Chippednailvarnish]

Going away once a year for a few days is hardly an employer "owning your life".

[jeansthatfit]

I think anyone confusing the demands that family members make with the relationship between employer and employee must find working life very hard (or family life - I guess it could cut both ways).

Fathers do need to be more active in asking for flexibility at work/paternity leave. They tend to be much less likely to ask, and their requests are more likely to be refused. They are more likely to be seen as 'opting out' of career progression (whereas a lot of employers tend to assume that of working mothers anyway....). Employers need to be better at being more balanced in terms of gender when they think about employees and caring responsibilities.

However, the OP is still in a good position as a working parent - much better than a lot of working mothers - and is being unrealistic in not wanting to do one away trip in 12 months.

(I commute 7 hour plus journeys when I have to work away, btw, rather than stay overnight. But I still breastfeed and co-sleep, so it makes sense for me. It is tiring, but I set that against doing a rewarding and lucrative job, with enough day to day flexibility that I can spend more time with my children than a lot of working parents)

[handcream]

Surely 2 days per year away from home isnt an employer owning someone's life!

[Scrounger]

If it is part of your contract of employment you may need to work some hours that you don't want to. OP may have a clause that includes that or it may be implied because she has done it for the past x number of years. I agree an employer does not own your life, but flexibility needs to work both ways.

Agree with justforjeans that one short overnight trip a year with PT working, if it is somewhere that you like to work at anyway, is a really good deal. I think it is usually easier to get good PT working and flexibility in a job that they already know you on and where you have built up some goodwill previously.

About the mil analogy, the issue here is that the father will be looking after his child. OP may not want to do it, but the employer is not being unreasonable in asking for it.

[kiriwawa]

:o NotYo

froken - I'd imagine the OP's contract contains a clause which something along the lines of 'Your normal office hours will be 9am until 5pm with one hour for lunch, meaning your standard hours are 35 hours a week (or 21 hours in the OP's situation). You may however be required to extend these hours on occasion.'

I've never had a contract which doesn't include something along those lines because it's inevitable that people are going to have to work above and beyond on occasion.

[jeansthatfit]

Good point flowery. If we want employers who will be flexible with us, and make allowances for the various upsets and emergencies that family life throws at us, why shouldn't we be a bit flexible in return?

I'd be wary about doing a 'work to rule' for an employer I liked, or in a job I valued. children or not.

[bonkersLFDT20]

If you don't want it that way, don't expect employers to bend the law for you. It's not the law that she has to travel. OP says "It's not mandatory but it's expected".

And therein lies the problem. If it was mandatory or the law then it would be black and white. No one would have this dilemma of wondering whether their reason for not going is good enough (BF baby, hen night, can't be arsed), you'd go or know that it would look bad, or you could face disciplinary action.

This grey situation causes just this problem and it's one I have faced.
I was never put under pressure to travel when my children were tiny, yet when your boss then turns round and say "the fact is, you weren't there, you don't have a presence at the moment, it will be noticed"...well, I feel that actually my career has been effected by me having children. He also got this false impression that I didn't like to travel, purely based on only starting to be my boss when I had a 9 month old.

It's a load of bollocks.

[Mojavewonderer]

Op you'll be fine honestly. I had only been driving 5 months when I had to collect my husband from a course 4 hours away and I got hopelessly lost, my phone ran out of charge and I couldn't remember my husbands mobile number. It was bloody awful but I managed to get there (2 hours late and with the very kind help from a couple at a service station who actually drew me a very detailed map) and I have to say that I was really proud of myself for not losing it a turning home. It cured my fright of motorways and I bought an in car charger for my phone and a satnav!

Of course you will miss your child but by then I can guarantee you will be pleased of a little break and it will be lovely when you are all reunited again.
My husband goes away and he always says its so wonderful when he comes home because he gets treated like a king because we have missed him all so much!

[handcream]

Sat Nav's are really really great. They give you the utmost confidence and also having a car charger for your phone will cost you about £4....

[KatoPotato]

Every hairy car journey I do, I chalk up as EXP points!

Drove to Edinburgh for work, got lost in road works, phoned venue brink of tears... EXP points! I did it! It was awful but I did it!

Only way to learn is to gain experience!