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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My employer wants me to work away for a few days

238 replies

Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 09:12

Hi, I am going back to work part time after having my DS. Once a year there is an event which involves working away for a few days. It's not mandatory but it's expected. Two of the 3 day event are my working days so I am expected to go. I would be a 2-3 hour drive away and I don't feel comfortable driving on the motorway so I would probably have to use public transport if I went. But basically I don't want to go!! Working 9-5 3 days a week is one thing but to be hours away from home and stay away over night is too much I think! My priorities are different now and I would hate to be that far away from my DS who would only be 11 months old at the time!! Going back to work is bad enough but we need the money. Am I being un reasonable not wanting to go? Or is it unreasonable them expecting me to go now I'm a mum? I would be grateful for your thoughts on this :-)

OP posts:
CreatureRetorts · 07/10/2013 10:48

You can't be the only one in your position?

MrsOakenshield · 07/10/2013 10:50

I have to say, as I feel I've been a bit bullish, is that I would have felt the same as you, mainly because I found looking after DD so hard, and assumed that everyone else would too and that wouldn't be fair to them to expect them to 'struggle' with DD as I did. But I would have been wrong, it wasn't that hard, I made it hard. I actually think it would have done me no end of good to have had something like this 'forced' on me.

Original poster
Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 10:51

Thank you froken. I am glad it's not just me with this opinion. I am willing to work 9-5 maybe even some over time if needed. I always work hard and that's not going to be any different now I have a baby! It's just that this is over night and miles away that's just getting to me! But it is just my opinion and I'm not saying I expect everyone to feel the same way. My DP does help but as he works full time I am the one who is always around and there for DS.

OP posts:
CbeebiesIsMyLife · 07/10/2013 10:52

Froken I've left my dd's over night with no problems from when they were 4 months old. I'm a SAHM and care for them 24/7. My husband also cares for them when he is home.
We left them with my inlaw and my parents, they were happy to be left and happy to see us when we got back. No tears, no 'mummy I missed you' from the older one. In my opinion and expiearience leaving a baby is often more difficult for the paren than it is for the child. If I'm completely honest I'd say other than a fleeting moment maybe, they don't even notice!

Chippednailvarnish · 07/10/2013 10:52

Here we go again with froken going on about how mothers must not leave their babies.
Maybe you should stick to living in your paid maternity leave bubble and let the adults get on with living in the real world?

The fact is if you want equality within the workplace for women (with or without children) then you have to be willing and able to be treated the same as every other employee.

froken · 07/10/2013 10:56

I apologise for not starting original post with "in my opinion" it is only an opinion, I thought that it was accepted that when people post replies to aibu threads they were sharing an opinion not making a final judgement about the situation.

I took ds away for a week ( family death, I needed to attend tge funeral) he was very wary of dp when we returned. That is my experience of my child being separated from parent, I wouldn't choose to do it again if I had any other option.

Pigsmummy · 07/10/2013 10:56

Why not go and travel back? Get over your fear of motorway driving in advance by booking some motorway tuition? Could you get away from the event by 4-430?

Many mothers, me included are expected to put in hours of motorway driving as part of their job, if you don't want to stay then it's your answer? Or could you just do one night and not the whole three days?

kiriwawa · 07/10/2013 10:57

Missfloweryname - I didn't say I skipped off and left my baby without a backward glance. I did find it hard. But it was hard on me, not him.

And you know, sometimes you just have to suck this stuff up if you want to be treated like an adult.

Bowlersarm · 07/10/2013 10:59

The trouble is OP, it's attitudes like yours that would make employers think twice about employing women of child bearing age. That may be harsh and against the law, but would be understandable. You do working mothers no favours. You simply mustn't use having a baby as an excuse not to fulfil your duties at work.

And why aren't you prepared to drive on the motorway??

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 11:02

I think OP will be one of those mums demanding all the best holidays at work because she is a Mum dont know know.

used to do my nut in at work

and I am a Mum now myself and it still does! seriously it's a once a year deal and I would be weary of how moany and entitled you sound.

being a parent is... nothing special gasp

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/10/2013 11:02

luckily enough, the child has 2 parents. Therefore 2 "special people"

I very much doubt he will be emotionally scarred for life.
I very much doubt my dcs were, when I had to travel.

And whilst your theory about not going away until they understand you are coming back is marvelous, what if there is an emergency?
Life is not perfect, but as long as the dcs are safe and with a person who love them, then they will not be irrevocably damaged by a couple of days FFS

If you choose to do a job that involves travel, you cannot suddenly say "oh my baby is too small to leave"
It is infuriating.
99% of working parents in my team do their very best to organise their childcare etc without wanting any special treatment so that if there ever is an emergency or an issue then it is very easy to accommodate them. There is 1 person who thinks she is the only person to juggle work and children and is coming very close to pissing everyone else off.

MrsOakenshield · 07/10/2013 11:04

My DP does help

oh dear. He helps. Is he a friend, popping in every so often to give you a hand? Or is he your ds's father, your co-parent? If the latter, he needs to parent. He doesn't stop being a parent because he works. He needs to do bathtimes, bedtimes, and waking-up-in-the-nightimes (and if you're ffing then there's absolutely no excuse).

I think it's important to lay some ground rules about this because once you are both working, there's no difference between you. But he may well think that it's still all for you to do.

Mumsyblouse · 07/10/2013 11:04

You can look at this as a positive opportunity- if your lo is going to be with your partner more, this is an ideal opportunity to get them to spend some time together and for him to get used to doing the whole shebang, not just the fun bits with the assumption it will always be you doing everything. I really think this is so valuable because if the dad sees themselves as capable and able to fully care for the children, it gives you a lot of freedom as a mother (e.g. to go out with friends/to work/to go to a hen do and so on). The most traditional marriages (and the ones where my friends are depressed) are those where the fathers managed to convince everyone they couldn't care for their own children on their own, because it has kept the status quo (mum does everything all the time) for years and years. I would be nervous, go for the minimum amount of time, but give your partner the opportunity to step forward.

flowery · 07/10/2013 11:05

Presumably people who think mothers should not leave children overnight until they are old enough to "understand that they will be coming back" wouldn't have another child until then either? Because of course that usually involves a hospital stay.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/10/2013 11:07

I would be very concerned if my dh was away from any of our children for a week and they were "wary" of him when they came back?

My dcs have never been any different to me when I have had to travel, they have never been any different with dh either.

Why would they be?

Original poster
Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 11:09

I've only been driving a year and just never needed to drive on the motorway before so I just don't feel confident about it yet... But I do know I need to do it! I think this is the problem... I want to be treated the same as before at work, but I don't want to be forced to stay away from my baby for a few days. And as a lot of people have said, you can't have it both ways!

OP posts:
flowery · 07/10/2013 11:09

"I would be very concerned if my dh was away from any of our children for a week and they were "wary" of him when they came back"

Absolutely.

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 11:10

I think it is rather sad that fathers are marginalised so often when it isn't necessary. My children were raised by two parents, so as long as one of us was around when they were small, life was fine. Then my parents came onboard, and suddenly there were four people to choose from, be loved completely by and feel comfortable with. Yes, it meant I never quite got the chance to sit on my special throne labelled 'MOTHER' and be adored, but it was a good trade.

bonkersLFDT20 · 07/10/2013 11:10

I know what froken means.

jackstini · 07/10/2013 11:11

YABU to not go, it is part of your job.
Also - how do you think it makes your dp feel if you don't trust him to do a good job with his ds whilst you are away?

I have to stay away 2-5 nights around 3 times a year for work - but am an 11 hour flight away!
Neither of my dc or my dh has ever had any issues
The only pain was lugging a breast pump around the US as they both fed until they were 2!

You need to be realistic- 11 months old is fine to be left for a couple of nights. In fact, why not practice and have 1 night away with dp whilst ds stays with a grandparent or something?

ArbitraryUsername · 07/10/2013 11:12

If it's only a 2-3 hour drive away, you could commute for the 3 days, if you're so worried about not being home. Lots of people do a 2+ hour each way commute.

You can take advanced driving lessons to get comfortable driving on the motorway.

Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 11:13

When my sisters little girl was 11 months old she let me take her on holiday for 5 days. No sister was absolutely fine about this and me and her daughter had a lovely time. My niece certainly didn't seem to suffer any emotional trauma....

You will be leaving your child with its dad - what's the harm??

bonkersLFDT20 · 07/10/2013 11:13

I think for the 2 years that WHO recommend BF IF the Mother is BF then her unwillingness to travel overnight should not be held against her.
THIS to me is equality in the work place.

Unexpected · 07/10/2013 11:14

Froken if you are going to use your personal situation, it is worth pointing out that your took your child away from their normal home environment for a week which presumably upset their routine and into the stressful situation of a funeral. Doubt your dc's upset had anything at all to do with your partner and everything to do with the complete change in routine. OP is leaving her child at home with her DP, an equally important "special person". I am just staggered that you think it is so awful for a parent to miss 2 mornings and 2 nights (so a total of about 6-7 hours given that OP would otherwise be at work the rest of the time) when the other parent is completely present.

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 11:14

Froken is in the same position as the OP, centre of the universe to a first child. If course she feels that her baby would be scarred by her absence for a few days, she hasn't done it and never will.
The fact that it isn't universally true is irrelevant to her.
The obvious choice is for OP to give up her job and find one that fits all her needs. There will be someone else begging for the opportunity to have her current post. Probably several dozen, or hundred.