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AIBU?

My employer wants me to work away for a few days

238 replies

Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 09:12

Hi, I am going back to work part time after having my DS. Once a year there is an event which involves working away for a few days. It's not mandatory but it's expected. Two of the 3 day event are my working days so I am expected to go. I would be a 2-3 hour drive away and I don't feel comfortable driving on the motorway so I would probably have to use public transport if I went. But basically I don't want to go!! Working 9-5 3 days a week is one thing but to be hours away from home and stay away over night is too much I think! My priorities are different now and I would hate to be that far away from my DS who would only be 11 months old at the time!! Going back to work is bad enough but we need the money. Am I being un reasonable not wanting to go? Or is it unreasonable them expecting me to go now I'm a mum? I would be grateful for your thoughts on this :-)

OP posts:

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IwishIwasmoreorganised · 07/10/2013 10:14

Why are you looking after your ds 24/7 (and how do you do that if you work?) if you have a DP?

What does your DP do to help?

YANBU in not wanting to go, but YABU to expect special treatment now that you're a Mum.

Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 10:15

I'm not BF now. And as some people have commented, yes I am currently looking for a new job but finding and getting one takes time. The role I do is 'just help out' at this event. Other people there do have more important roles and it would cause more of an issue if they didn't go. I am not saying that because I am a mum now I want special treatment where ever I go. But my DS won't even be 1 yet and I just feel that's a bit to young to leave... If he was 3 I would probably feel ok about going.

OP posts:

MrsOakenshield · 07/10/2013 10:15

yes, I wondered why you are looking after DS 24/7 - your DP needs to step up and this sounds like a good opportunity for him to do so, so he's prepared and DS is used to him.

MrsOakenshield · 07/10/2013 10:18

I am not saying that because I am a mum now I want special treatment where ever I go

well, to be fair, that is what you said, more or less, in your OP.

The thing is, whatever your view of your job, your employer is paying you a salary to do a particular job - it may not be important to you but it is to him, and you have responsibilities that go with being an employee.

quoteunquote · 07/10/2013 10:20

How about doing an advanced driving course, and /or pass plus so you do feel comfortable with motorway driving.

ChasedByBees · 07/10/2013 10:20

Why don't you bring them with you? The extra hotel costs are usually minimal. If you bring someone who can drive on the motorway, you get a lift and no extra petrol costs. They get a day trip (admittedly while doing childcare). Worth considering perhaps?

Missfloweryname · 07/10/2013 10:25

I will just have to get over it and go. Thank you for your comments.

OP posts:

flowery · 07/10/2013 10:25

If 11 months is too young for a parent to leave, I must be a terrible mother then. I left DS1 overnight at 10 weeks.

froken · 07/10/2013 10:27

Yanbu.

An 11 month old can't understand that mummy is at work for 3 days but she will come home after tge 3 days. A baby that age would think their primary carer has just disappeared :(

If you are not contracted to do overnight stays then I would refuse.

I don't think it is ok to say no overnight stays now you are a mum ever but I would say no overnight stays until your dc is old enough to understand that people go away for a few days and come back again.

3 days is a really long time for a small child.

flowery · 07/10/2013 10:29

Oh FGS.

kiriwawa · 07/10/2013 10:30

What a load of old tosh froken!

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 10:31

Work up to it, get your baby used to having other people take care of him, bath him and put him to bed. Then it will only be a problem for you.
The thing that upset me when I went away for three days when DS was 6 months old was that he didn't miss me at all, had no problems eating and sleeping without me and was pleased but not clingy when I returned.
I felt that as the centre of his universe, I should have been a significant absence. But I wasn't. Daddy was a perfectly acceptable alternative.

Viviennemary · 07/10/2013 10:32

YANBU in not wanting to go. I used to have to go on these horrific events. I always went though sometimes I was tempted to be sick. It was just taken for granted that everyone would go.

Unexpected · 07/10/2013 10:33

Froken on that basis you wouldn't send your child to nursery then, would you? The OP is not abandoning her baby, she is leaving him with her partner. Does he not count?

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 10:34

froken, that is complete crap

take your WOHM nonsense somewhere else, this isn't the fucking 1950's

hermioneweasley · 07/10/2013 10:35

YABVU

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 10:39

Froken has a baby of 9 months, so she's just saying how she's feel. I doubt she's ever left him for a night or two, so it's an emotive and theoretical opinion.
As I said, I was upset when the reality was very different for me to the one I'd envisaged. Not that I wanted DS to be very upset, or bewildered or unhappy to settle. Just that it would have been nice to have been missed.

froken · 07/10/2013 10:40

There is a big difference in my opinion between a few hours of nursery where they have different routines and a baby being at home where they are used to being with their primary carer and the primary carer not being there day after day.

It is my opinion that it isn't fair to leave small children for extended periods of time when the child is not old enough to understand that their special person will come back. That is my opinion it doesn't make it a wrong opinion just because other people disagree.

I believe that as a parent if something feels wrong then it probably is wrong.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 10:41

It's part of the job. YABU.

specialsubject · 07/10/2013 10:42

YABVVVU. This kind of thing is what puts employers off women with kids! Every week would not be fair, but ONCE A YEAR?

book some motorway lessons, too.

flowery · 07/10/2013 10:44

"child is not old enough to understand that their special person will come back"

Lucky DS1 has two "special people", and any sensible parent who needs to leave their child for a short period will ensure that the child is the same, and not completely reliant on just them all the time.

Unexpected · 07/10/2013 10:45

Day after day???? The Op will be away for two nights! Or not at all if she learns to drive on the motorway!

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Bonsoir · 07/10/2013 10:45

Do you have a partner/parents/parents-in-law to hold the fort?

kiriwawa · 07/10/2013 10:46

froken - you didn't say it was your opinion, you said that the OP's baby will be horribly distressed by her travelling for work. Which, as SilverApple's example shows, is a load of bollocks for many babies.

I would take a very dim view indeed of an employee of mine telling me she was unable to travel overnight until her child was of school age.

BrokenSunglasses · 07/10/2013 10:47

I think that's a good point Specialsubject.

We want employers to value women as much as they value men in the workplace, but we also want to be able to expect consideration when it comes to normal things about a job like having to attend events overnight.

I really don't think we can have it both ways. If women want to be taken seriously in the workplace once they are mothers, then they have to remain valuable employees that will give as well as take from their employers.

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