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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to use mobile phone spyware to spy on my teenager

43 replies

bankofmum · 06/10/2013 09:19

Actually I dont care if I am BU I just want to know if anyone here has, how did it go and which do you recommend (most seem to be american)

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 06/10/2013 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Latara · 06/10/2013 09:21

Yes that is definitely BU.

Famzilla · 06/10/2013 09:21

Why do you need to do it?

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 06/10/2013 09:23

Why would you do that.

post · 06/10/2013 09:29

I can't imagine the circumstances where totally jeopardising my relationship with my child like that would feel justified; I guess maybe if I had real fears of something life threatening and imminent, and there was absolutely nowhere else I could look for help, but even then it would be with a really heavy heart.
What's going on with them, op? Can you see no other way?

Groovee · 06/10/2013 09:33

Why do you feel the need to do that?

CheeryCherry · 06/10/2013 09:34

You can get tracking systems for mobile phones if that's what you mean. Are you fearing for their life?

Original poster
bankofmum · 06/10/2013 09:38

No. I want to read text messages. Hes been smoking cannabis lost 1 college course 1 apprenticeship and has new job, swears he has stopped smoking but tells loads of lies

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 06/10/2013 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bankofmum · 06/10/2013 09:46

17

OP posts:
mrsjay · 06/10/2013 09:54

what would reading his texts achieve I know you are probably at the end of your tether but what are you looking for on his phone and if you use the evidence against him he would just push further away

post · 06/10/2013 10:04

Oh, op, you sound desperate. I echo mrs Jay, what will it achieve? I'm not at all saying do nothing, but losing even more trust between you is a big thing to decide to do; please make sure you think it's the best way, and worth it.

FredFredGeorge · 06/10/2013 10:04

You might as well just say good bye to your son now and realise you're not going to see him again, save a lot of pain as you completely destroy your relationship by spying on him.

Don't do it, he's old enough to make mistakes, he certainly doesn't need you interfering, support and help him.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/10/2013 10:07

For an over 16 no way.

All my under 16's know that's the condition of having a mobile provided and funded by me.

mrsjay · 06/10/2013 10:09

yes when mine were younger teens I admit i did have a nosy at their mobiles especially if i thought something was going on but i don't understand why you would want to look at your 17 yr olds texts are you worried he is up to something illegal or dangerous ? or are you just needing to know what he texting and to who

Original poster
bankofmum · 06/10/2013 10:17

He just passed his test and has a car and I dont want him driving under influence

OP posts:
headlesslambrini · 06/10/2013 10:21

I can understand your fears but why have you allowed him to have a car in the first place, if there are issues with drugs?

mrsjay · 06/10/2013 10:24

but by spying on his phone you won't know if he is driving under the influence did he buy his own car if its your car and you dont trust him dont give him it ,

Original poster
bankofmum · 06/10/2013 10:34

He bought his own and I want him to stop altogether and hes promised he would. I am desperate and really just wanted to know if anyone had used this sort of spyware. Not a discussion of why I want to

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 06/10/2013 10:36

I think you may find yourself on legally shaky ground here.

LindyHemming · 06/10/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/10/2013 10:45

He's 17 Op.
Cut the apron strings, I wouldn't even dream at looking at my ds's texts, he's 18,much less spy on him.

YouTheCat · 06/10/2013 10:46

He's 17. He will find out you're doing this. He will resent you and leave home at the first opportunity.

One of my dd's friends has a father who does these kinds of things. His parents wanted him to go to a local uni so they could keep tabs on him and have him living at home. So he has gone to Scotland.

Your ds is a 17 year old - if he gets caught under the influence then he'll lose his license. He is old enough to accept the consequences of his actions.

Stellarella123 · 06/10/2013 10:50

You can't spy on him, you have to accept that he is old enough to be making his own decisions and as difficult as it is you have to trust him, it will only ruin your relationship, I always look back at myself and my siblings as teenagers and wonder how my mum managed to give us freedom at a time when we were making mistakes and experimenting, my mum says it was very difficult, I do dread my kids growing up and having to let go.... You can only advise him, think positively, and talk to him without trying to control him, he will respect you :)

mrsjay · 06/10/2013 10:52

TBH I dont think many people will have used spyware for their 17 yr olds, maybe should have put it in techy stuff as you did put it in AIBU so by doing that you were asking people to comment on what and why you wanted to do it