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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a 5 year old girl shouldn't be wearing nail varnish....

103 replies

allnewstuff · 05/10/2013 14:36

DP's girls are 5&2.

They routinely wear coloured nail varnish. He doesn't like this and thinks they are too young for nail varnish and make up but his exw says its 'girls bonding' for them to all do make up and nails together and she really enjoys it as an activity for them to do.

I have said that he can voice his opinion as their father but ultimately while they're in exw house it's up to her what goes on. However I think it's entirely reasonable for him to say 'no nail varnish and make up' when they are with him. His ex is doing the whole " mummy lets you but daddy and allnew won't, they're so mean" with them. She tells him we are being far too over the top and because I don't have DDs I don't understand that little girls want to do nails and make up.

AIBU to not allow nail varnish and make up when they're in our home?

OP posts:

itsn0tmeitsyou · 07/10/2013 19:53

Hi OP I have read this thread through as I have pretty strong views on make up etc and had a thread about it a few weeks ago. From what I can tell, your view is similar to mine - make up is inappropriate on young girls, it sends a message about what they need to do to make themselves 'beautiful', how it makes that seem an important thing whereas they should just be playing and enjoying life and not exposed to those sorts of ideas so young.

However, I do think since they are not your girls, it's not really your call.

Having said that, the girls clearly are and will be spending a lot of time with you, and they will be getting some pretty strong role model messages from you as well as their own mother. I would avoid directly contradicting their mother, as we all know where our loyalties always lie and how we will always spring to our parents' defence if anyone criticises them. But they will take note over the years, that there is more than one way to think about this stuff, and they will make their own choices in the end. That's about all you can and should do on this one, imho.

Sparklymommy · 07/10/2013 19:54

I have four children, two of each gender.

My girls are 4 and 10. They both, VERY rarely wear nail polish as they dance competitively and there is nothing worse than realising two minutes before they are due on stage that they have bright green nails!

However I feel you are being unreasonable. Even my boys wear bail polish. In fact when they were at per-school it was a favourite past time of one teacher to get them to choose the colour and paint their nails.

itsn0tmeitsyou · 07/10/2013 19:57

btw I meant to differentiate between make up and nail varnish - I don't actually think nail varnish is that bad, it's make up I have a serious issue with.

ThePinkOcelot · 07/10/2013 21:05

Seriously, were you born 50 and aged upwards?! What is the harm in a bit of nail varnish?! Hardly turning them into budding prostitutes.
My dds love nail varnish and we enjoy having girly nights as well, it's fun! Do you know what that is?!

Thisisaeuphemism · 07/10/2013 21:09

I hate 'pampering', make up, all that crap, but love doing the kids' nails. It is fun and bonding somehow. The boys especially love/d it!

Agree with 'pick your battles'- this one isn't it.

tolittletoolate · 07/10/2013 22:49

I put nail varnish on my 2 yr old today, she saw me having a manicure and asked me to do her nails afterwards.
She is very pleased and been showing everyone.

Toocold · 07/10/2013 23:00

Would you feel differently if it was a ds?, my ds is 5 and likes to wear it and occasional lip balm, my dd not so interested. It is just kids experimenting with a harmless pursuit. I'd be more worried about them having consistent boundaries between both sets of parents, a face full of make up is different for me tho, far too young.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 07/10/2013 23:16

Yabu. Nail varnish rocks. Don't sweat the small stuff; save your outrage for things worthy of emotion.

moanymandy · 08/10/2013 07:51

YABU my ds was wearing nail varnish at not quite 2 if he saw me doing mine he wanted it! no harm in my opinion!

ElBombero · 08/10/2013 07:58

My DD discovered nail varnish at nursery aged 2.5. At first I was gonna say no when she asked but really what's the harm, wouldn't have makeup for a long time but some pink nails like mummy is fine.

Sparklysilversequins · 08/10/2013 08:04

Dd is 7. I always thought I would be a no make up kind of Mum but I have realised that she just something she really enjoys. She's fascinated by colours and drawing and I think painting her own nails and face is another part of this. SHE doesn't understand what's make up is in the adult world, it's just pretty, glittery colours to her to dress up in so with that in mind I feel that making a fuss about it would cause her to question why I am doing so and thus make it not so innocent to her.

She paints her nails during the school holidays and I have bought her a kids make up box from Argos that I would have sacrificed everything for at that age .

I don't see the harm in it and I kind of think that it's projecting adult notions onto children if you make it an issue.

Dahlen · 08/10/2013 08:14

allnew I totally understand your POV. I worry as well as the message being sent to young girls with makeup and pamper parties and the like. However, I found my own peace with it and I do allow my DD to wear makeup and nail-varnish (and my DS).

I wear make-up. Very little (I am blonde so always apply mascara, but don't use skin make-up). I can't stand there and tell my DD that she is pretty enough already without using makeup when she sees me applying it. In her head that translates as her seeing me say I'm not pretty enough, which isn't displaying good self-esteem.

Make-up can be an expression. You can use different looks to express different moods or simply change your appearance for fun. I try to focus on this side of it rather than the 'beauty' side of it and at the same time I am constantly trying to tell my DD that who she is matters, not whether she has the right 'look', and I praise her for what she does way more than what she looks like (though I do tell her she's beautiful as well, because she is ).

Ultimately this is for your DP to sort out with his X, but for the girls' sake I'd be tempted to allow the continuity of rules and just concentrate on building up their self-worth in other ways that aren't related to appearance while talking to them in an age-appropriate way about patriarchal standards of beauty and why they don't have to conform.

Bonsoir · 08/10/2013 08:17

I think nail varnish is a phase little girls go through and by 7 or 8 they have mostly grown out of it. It is fundamentally harmless and not worth a battle. Save your energy for important things like toothbrushing.

Branleuse · 08/10/2013 08:23

my dd and ds (5 & 6) are both sporting painted nails and toes this week.

BraveMerida · 08/10/2013 08:28

Yabu. It's what little girls do as part of playing and dressing up.

It's just nail varnish...not tattoo or body piercing.

MrsWolowitz · 08/10/2013 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BraveMerida · 08/10/2013 08:40

It's only an issue if the OP choose to make it into one.

soverylucky · 08/10/2013 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rockinhippy · 08/10/2013 09:03

YABU & very presumptions of the affect it will have on their self esteem as future women

it's also such a minor battle that its just not worth engaging in with your DPs Ex - besides, as has been said - its his business not really yours to put your foot down.

My DD was about as girly as they come & has wanted make up & nail polish from a much younger age - within reason I went along with this as play, because that's exactly what it is & you are potentially making abig fuss about nothing

Mines now 11 & trust me she's about as feminist as they come already -she has the makings if a real ball breaker at times - she still likes to look pretty though - FOR HER!!

Lighten up or risk becoming evil step mum

& as for your stance with your own DCs with coke etc - you don't say how old they are, but if not very young, then I fear you might live to regret that too - an out & out ban on anything just makes them want it more & it will likely become their staple when they are old enough to make their own choices - I learnt that lesson with my good friend as a teen - very strict vegan upbringing, with nothing processed allowed ever - no surprised they both gorged themselves on everything banned at home the minute they got into town - as an adult & left home, my friend lived on a meat rich junk god diet to the extent of making herself ill - I've another friend who I've known only as an adult & she has major issues around food & weight issues down to a junk good addiction too - she had the same bans imposed on her as a kid.

Teaching them what's good & bad & allowing the occasional slip as treats at parties etc instils a far more healthy balanced view on these foods & they don't become something to rebel with as a teen.

& I'm a health food freak who cooks everything from scratch & avoids all additives, meat processed foods etc etc - my DD at 11 has a very informed & balanced view of these foods as a result, mostly she doesn't like them & will turn them down of her own accord, barring meat she only very occasionally wants to eat/drink them away from home

KateSpade · 08/10/2013 09:31

I meant things like this:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=HySPfW72MXw

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc9_RS3Fjyw

I would never, ever let a 5 year old apply loads of make-up to her own skin, but playing a game of 'make-up artists' is harmless, is it not?

It's better to have a mother that cares about her appearance (not obsessively) than a mother who does not give a shit what she looks like or wears because if her low self esteem like mine! & let me tell you, that kind of shit rubs off!

Damnautocorrect · 08/10/2013 09:35

My tinker bell nail varnish was my most prized possession at that age. Yabu

Katnisscupcake · 08/10/2013 09:53

DD (4) has nail varnish on for parties and then it comes off. They're not allowed it at school anyway.

I don't wear nail varnish so she hasn't got it from me, but I honestly don't mind. It's certainly not making her grow up too quickly! Also (shock horror) she sometimes has some lip gloss on if I'm wearing some(maybe on a Saturday - otherwise I don't bother with make up since I work from home). It really isn't a big deal...

ThreeMyselfAndI · 08/10/2013 10:13

YABU!! I see no harm in it my dds 10, 8, 19 months regularly have their nails painted is doing no harm. I don't see it as your place to not allow it either their dads yes but not yours. I also agree that he should pjck his battles this is one that simply isn't worth causing arguments over imo.

KellyElly · 08/10/2013 10:23

My DD is four in a couple of weeks and when she plays dress up she has nail varnish on her toe nails and a bit of lip gloss and sparkly eyeshadow on. Not a big deal to me at all. She also likes to have her face painted. All just part of playing at that age. Me and my friends did the same (boys included).

theuntamedshrew · 08/10/2013 12:28

YABU, my DD's love it, they also love drawing on themselves, whether its make-up, nail varnish, pens, its all just a really fun way to be creative - but the biggest point is, they are not your children and you should respect the mothers POV, as should your partner...now if they were being rude and disrespectful to you, now thats a different matter, but they're just being delightful children it seems to me, enjoy them!

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