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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dh to actually speak to me in the evening?

31 replies

picniclady · 03/10/2013 22:44

I don't think iabu but would like your views. Every night dh and I get around one hour together once he's Home from work and I've put dc to bed. Every night he sits in his chair in the living room and uses his personal laptop to read news/do his book keeping/look at football and anything else.

I try to chat to him and tell him about my day/dc/work and ask him how his day was. However, at best he'll glance up and listen, at worst he'll pretty much ignore me or make me feel guilty for distracting him from book keeping etc. I know it's not always work related stuff he's doing, although I understand he needs to work and also enjoys surfing the internet etc, but surely if you only get an hour a day with your partner you should spend some time conversing? when I mentioned to some male work colleagues they laughed and said they do the sameat home, women like to chat and men like to be aalone apparently.

I just wondered if iabu to expect him to want to spend our time focussed on each other or whether it's the normfor men to behave like this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
picniclady · 03/10/2013 22:45

Sorry for typos!

OP posts:
Jellyboobs · 03/10/2013 22:47

Well men will be alone, very alone, when their partners pack up and leave because theyre sick of being ignored.
My oh can be similar, I come down after settling the lo and the tv/ps3 is on. I might get a few grunts from him. Foul behavior.

Original poster
picniclady · 03/10/2013 22:50

Haha yes that's what I tell him Jelly, don't be surprised when I leave you for someone who has a vague interest in conversing with me. He insists he's happy to chat, then the following night back to ignoring me.

OP posts:
Original poster
picniclady · 03/10/2013 22:50

Sorry you get the shitty behaviour too!

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 03/10/2013 22:51

I couldn't be in a relationship like that. What is the point in having a relationship with someone if they cannot be arsed to talk to you. It's what people do. Converse.

Ask these same blokes from work about their weekends. Chances are it's going out on the piss with their mates. Where, they won't all be stood around doing nothing. No they will be chatting to each other.

If men want to be alone, they can be alone in their little bedsit, living their sad little lives without any contact from the outside world.

Purplemonster · 03/10/2013 22:52

Same here except its the tv, drives me bonkers that from the minute he walks in from work he turns the radio off (that I was bloody listening to) and puts the tv on then stares at it all night until he goes to bed. I don't like watching tv, particularly the crap he watches so I sit on the Internet on my phone on the other side of the sofa and we ignore each other. I do sometimes wonder what the point of it all is.

happystory · 03/10/2013 22:53

I think you know YADNBU. Doesn't he want to hear about your day, tell you about his, chat about the children, the news, whatever? This is not a relationship. Well it is but not a loving one.

happystory · 03/10/2013 22:54

Purple, I am not sure there is a point to a relationship like that

rockybalBOOOOa · 03/10/2013 22:56

Mine is much the same. I have given up trying to make conversation. That's what MN was invented for! Wink

Goofymum · 03/10/2013 23:19

If it really bothers you then you need to talk about it, maybe at the weekend if he's not working then? Maybe suggest that you'd like to set aside some time every evening to talk. He might not realise just how important it is to you.

My DH is very much the same in the evenings and sometimes it bothers me and other times I like the quiet comfort of sitting together and not having to converse, especially if I've had a noisy day at work! He might be feeling the same. I don't think it's a bad relationship but it could turn in to one if you build up resentment over this.

ExitPursuedByADragon · 03/10/2013 23:22

Di you eat together ? That is when we talk.

Suggest a chat next time he fancies sex.

raisah · 03/10/2013 23:27

I don't understand why men want to be in a relationship if they want to be alone. Surely, the kindest and most sensible thing would be to not to be in relationship so that the partner has a chance to find somebody who is interested in being with her.

olathelawyer05 · 04/10/2013 00:19

Its possible he resents you and to an extent your children (this was the confession from a 43yo buddy of mine who has the same issue at home - I'm 32yo so a decade younger).

He works so hard for his family because he loves them.... but at the same time, he resents the fact that he 'has' to work so hard 'because' of them and feels no real appreciation for what he does, and it comes out in his not wanting to interact....and yes, sometimes he's also just gets tired because men who work hard do get tired. Maybe he's a little depressed as well, and he's going to see a counselor on my advise.

I've also told him to be pragmatic and pro-active, and start sneaking his money away slowly so that he has a cushion 'when' the divorce finally comes. That's what I would do in his shoes (Yes, I'll get lots of boos... but he's my mate, professionally, I know what typically happens to men in this situation and I am eager to protect him). Needless to say, I don't intend doing what he did and take on the 'institution' of family. Its made him miserable, and his wife is probably on MN complaining about it.

livinginwonderland · 04/10/2013 06:58

This would really piss me off. Maybe you need to set aside time to talk to each other every day? Make sure you eat dinner together at the table (no TV or phones or radio) and then you can sit together and chat about your day.

It's natural to be tired and to have moments of being anti-social in the evening, but you need to communicate this with your partner, not sit there and grunt.

littlewhitebag · 04/10/2013 07:07

My DH is so tired when he comes home he can barely speak. I am like that days I work too. We sit in companionable silence with the tv on and both with laptops. At the weekends we get plenty of opportunity to chat. I think what you are describing is very normal.

Beansprout30 · 04/10/2013 22:47

I agree with littlewhitebag, me and dh often sit on our laptops and barely talk but we are both ok with it, we make sure we eat dinner at the table though and we always have a good chat then

RevelsRoulette · 04/10/2013 23:16

I'm the one who is like this Blush If your husband is like me then it's really nothing to do with you, (I mean not because of you not none of your business Grin )

I just need to be quiet in the evening. After a day of talking and hassle and everyone demanding a piece of me I really can't take any more talking or interaction. My husband, otoh, seems to need to gab for hours and I feel murderous and inside I am screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
He's doing it right now and I want to scream.

I do talk because I recognise that it would be selfish to want it my way every night, but I resent it and I do switch off.

ButteryJam · 04/10/2013 23:24

You are describing my DH! He is an introvert - I think over time I have got used to it and most of the time enjoy my own company now.

Mumsyblouse · 04/10/2013 23:27

I have a somewhat similar problem, but my husband knows I like to talk, so I talk for say 20 min and then stop and let him get on with his computer. We have talked directly about our quite different needs in the evenings, as long as I get some talking and closeness in on the weekend or one or two nights a week, I'm fine! Equally, he does want some evenings to just close the office door and listen to music. I would talk about this and ask him what he thinks/needs.

LaQueenForADay · 04/10/2013 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themonsteratemyspacebar · 04/10/2013 23:34

Im in this predicament right now!
He has come in from work, put his shit telly on, ive come upstairs. Popped down twice to sit for 5 mins, havent even been looked at.
Hes just jumped into bed with me without saying a word. Literally about 3 minutes ago and has is back to me and started snoring already. Angry
This is the life eh?!

MmmmWhiteWine · 04/10/2013 23:38

Maybe he's just knackered and wants to switch off? I'm often like that in the evenings and just want to glaze over in front of the tv or read my book or whatever.

fiverabbits · 04/10/2013 23:41

PURPLEMONSTER
My DH is exactly the same he cannot sit in the living room without the TV on and he has got a hearing aid but refuses to wear it. The answer is we have two remotes and I will mute it so I can make him listen to me, if he turns the sound on he knows I will get up and turn the TV off, also as its the only TV I can watch we have to watch something we both like. He gets up at 6 am although he is not working through ill health to watch his rubbish.

neiljames77 · 05/10/2013 00:34

I'm afraid I'm guilty of doing this. The problem is that my wife comes home and talks about her workmates or her boss and these are people I don't know.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/10/2013 00:52

DH and I don't often sit and chat. We are often on laptops, or reading, or we watch TV or potter around doing small chores.

The thing is that this is how we both like it. The silence is companionable rather than stony.

That's not to say that we don't talk to each other, of course we do. We eat dinner with the DCs most evenings and that is always a time to catch up with everyone's day and generally have a natter.

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