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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not ok to make me feel pfb when I say I don't want to cry it out

89 replies

fairy1303 · 01/10/2013 10:04

Sorry, thread title doesn't make sense.

I am getting so so sick of everyone my mothers generation (and some mine!) telling me constantly to 'just leave him to cry'.

DS is 14 weeks old. He is generally a great, contented baby. He has had reflux and so does get fussy after feeds, but that's it.

Once when he was crying for ages, I phoned my mum at end of my tether - she told me to put him in pram in other room and leave him. He was 6 weeks old.

When I said I'd rather not do that, she was Hmm and told me if I gave in to him I would make a rod for my back!

I get variants of this from mother in law, aunts etc etc and it's driving me crazy.

Snide comments about it etc.

AIBU getting irritated by it? They make me out to be some neurotic pfb mother who 'panders' to him!

OP posts:
LordElpuss · 01/10/2013 10:07

YANBU. Don't ask them for advice. Follow your instincts and pick up your lovely baby who isn't (as you know!) crying for the fun of it. He's trying to tell you something.

Oscarandelliesmum · 01/10/2013 10:08

YANBU - you sound like a lovely mum

IceBeing · 01/10/2013 10:11

If you are feeling like you are losing it then there a worse things to do than leave the baby with someone else and get 15 mins to cool your head down. Certainly it is better to let him cry than to end up shaking him.

That is not at all the same as crying it out though. Teaching your baby that you repeatedly won't respond to his needs is a lesson very well and irreversibly learned at that age....we couldn't do it so I certainly understand you not wanting to.

Find people who can actually support you to talk to when you are at a loss. People who understand that being tired and annoyed doesn't mean you want to dramatically change your parenting style....

MrsBucketxx · 01/10/2013 10:11

Yanbu, but I can say I tjimk its a generational thing its what they did when they had babies.

Just remember three special words ignore, ignore, ignore.

Littlegreyauditor · 01/10/2013 10:12

You can't spoil a baby that age OP, they have no memory of their early life. If you don't want to cry it out then don't. It is your baby and it is your back, and it is not their business what you choose to do with either.

If you want to sleep train or whatever do it when the baby is older.

In the meantime, ignore them if you can, limit the time they spend with you if you can't.

curlew · 01/10/2013 10:13

I think crying it out should be banned.

But it's important to remember that if you really are at the end of your tether, leaving a crying baby in a safe place for 10 minutes occasionally while you take a deep breath and drink a cup of tea isn't going to do it any harm

pianodoodle · 01/10/2013 10:15

YANBU! He's still so young!

When DD was 10 weeks I was talking to a neighbour over the fence out the back and heard DD wake up in her basket.

I turned to head in and the neighbour said "you know you're not supposed to just go running straight away?" in a really patronising way...

I just thought bollocks to her! Just because someone else had a baby before you doesn't mean they always know best :)

D0G · 01/10/2013 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teapigging · 01/10/2013 10:22

The phrase 'making a rod for your own back' makes me want to smack people. I fear that when people have said it to me, I have said 'Oh, I prefer to call it "responding to my baby's needs" ' with my most insufferable expression...

OP, don't look for validation of your patenting choices from other people. For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing in responding immediately to crying. I did. Let other people get on with assuming you are a deluded fool.

Having said that, as others have said before me, if it all gets too much and/or you need the loo or five minutes to yourself, your baby won't be traumatised.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2013 10:27

You can't have it both ways though.
If you don't want to leave your baby to cry, that is entirely up to you.
But you can't phone someone, when at end of tether with crying, and expect them to come up with a solution to stop crying which doesn't involve picking child up, or leaving them to cry. Those are the only 2 options.

fishandmonkey · 01/10/2013 10:31

don't call your mum when you're at the end of your tether. call someone who will say "take a deep breath. hold your baby and tell him you love him. he will stop crying eventually and you will both be ok"
i think people who tell you to leave your baby to cry at 14 weeks should keep their views to themselves.
you sound like an amazing mum. we all feel at the end of our tether many times in the first few months. we're supposed to. we're doing an important job.
you are not "pandering" to him. you're looking after him. if you don't who will? you're the mum and that's your job.

Original poster
fairy1303 · 01/10/2013 10:36

Are thereanyleft. I appreciate what you're saying, but that was one example. I get it all the time. If I put him down for a nap and he cries for example, I get told to leave him to it.

OP posts:
Famzilla · 01/10/2013 10:38

People will give advice like that when you call them in desperation though, because there's no magical cure to make a baby stop crying. Or in my PIL's case it's "put a bit of whiskey on their dummy". Hmm

Hence why I smile and tell people all is fine even if she hasn't slept in a month well recently. I don't want their cruel suggestions. Then again DD is a BF to sleep cosleeper so that rod in my back is gold plated.

SpookyRestingFace · 01/10/2013 10:39

Ah, just ignore them. I think it probably is a generational thing, on the whole. I was lucky with my mum. When DD was little and cried a lot in the evenings and I was a bit loopy over it ("what's WRONG with her? What does she WANT? WHY DOESN'T SHE LIKE ME?!!") my mum just told me that sometimes babies cry a lot, it's nothing personal (Blush) and all we should do was hold her, feed her, burp her, and rock her gently, and we'd get through it. She also pitched in a lot herself, as we lived with her at the time. I've been so grateful ever since that she didn't tell me to let DD cry alone; at that stage I was all over the place emotionally and very much doubting myself at every turn.

Akray · 01/10/2013 10:42

YANBU! I have 5DC and have never allowed any of them to 'cry it out'. Babies cry for a reason and its often that they just want to be cuddled. I say cuddle away, they are tiny for such a short time, make the most of itSmile

My DC5 (7months) is very lucky, every time she cries there is a fight from the other 4 DC to pick her up for a cuddle.........

RubyGoat · 01/10/2013 10:42

A baby left to cry it out will eventually calm down. Because they will learn that you aren't coming for them, and they can't rely on you for comfort. It's am evolutionary thing, so that in countries where there are predators, the baby will initially call for the mother, then if the mother doesn't come, the baby shuts up as it's safer. We never left DD to cry if we could possibly help it, ever. She is 17 months old & into everything now but she certainly isn't scared of anything now as she has always known that we are always there if we need her, so she feels confident that she can get on with exploring everything. It's not exactly restful, especially as we can't afford nursery, I work & DH is a full time student, but she is happy & bright & it works for us.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2013 10:43

Remember people are only trying to help. They might have already been there themselves and know the consequences. Just ignore them, and like pp said, tell them firmly that you want to pick your baby up, so hopefully they won't advise again.

RubyGoat · 01/10/2013 10:44

If she needs us not if we need her, obviously.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 01/10/2013 10:53

I had one unsettled DS followed by twins and never left them to cry it out. Couldn't have stood the noise! They have grown up fine.

We might have made other 'rods' for our backs, but not that one.

Tailtwister · 01/10/2013 11:04

YANBU OP. Your DS is still tiny and even if he wasn't I don't agree with CIO.

I would just tell them firmly that CIO isn't an approach you want to take and you are dealing with it your way. If they persist you may have to get a bit firmer and remind them it's your baby not theirs and what you say goes!

noblegiraffe · 01/10/2013 11:34

Just say 'the latest research shows that leaving young babies to cry for long periods is bad for their brain development'

Job done.

Goldenbear · 01/10/2013 11:53

YANBU for not wanting your very young baby to CIO. My MIL told me that I was making a rod for my own back along with comments about me feeding him too much and a jokey remark about his head being very big but no so big that he had hydryocephalus- his head was not massive, about 60th percentile but this was a comment too far and I didn't speak to her for 3 months!

My Mother never left us to CIO she is the same generation- mid 60's

UriGeller · 01/10/2013 12:02

Babies cry for a reason. When you see a lamb bleating in a field it wants its mum. The ewe will answer and the lamb will trot over to its mum. Not for anything in particular. Just to be with its mum.

Same with all animals. Babies want to be near their mum, to feel cosy
and safe. So they call out.

Your mums attitude is isn't typical though. There are plenty of women of the grandparent generation who will say, "why leave a baby to cry?" My mum wouldn't hear of anyone letting a baby cry alone.

roweeena · 01/10/2013 12:06

People suggest it because it has worked for them in the past - the only problem is with the older generation they either did it at a much younger age or they assume that they did.

Personally CC and CIO worked very well for us but not at 14weeks! It does really gets me annoyed when people gets all holier than thou when CIO/CC gets mentioned though.

Ignore, nod, smile and do what works best for you and your baby but don't demonise people who use these sleep training methods and remember people only suggest it because it works! (although as I said before - not suitable for a 14week old!)

MurderOfBanshees · 01/10/2013 12:06

YANBU

Had this problem with my dad, stayed at his one day and was stuck on the phone when DS started crying. Dad's solution was to take him up to his cot and shut the bedroom door. As soon as I was off the phone I went upstairs to check on DS and see why he was screaming, dad was blocking the top of the stairs, kept telling me to leave DS to CIO. I ended up pushing dad out of the way to get to him (very unlike me). Turns out DS had an incredibly full nappy and was understandably upset.

Dad has stopped pushing the issue since then. Think he was shocked by how strongly I reacted.

He does still like to go on about how me and my brother were in our own rooms from the day we got home, he does not like me co-sleeping.

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