To think it's not ok to make me feel pfb when I say I don't want to cry it out

[fairy1303]

Sorry, thread title doesn't make sense.

I am getting so so sick of everyone my mothers generation (and some mine!) telling me constantly to 'just leave him to cry'.

DS is 14 weeks old. He is generally a great, contented baby. He has had reflux and so does get fussy after feeds, but that's it.

Once when he was crying for ages, I phoned my mum at end of my tether - she told me to put him in pram in other room and leave him. He was 6 weeks old.

When I said I'd rather not do that, she was and told me if I gave in to him I would make a rod for my back!

I get variants of this from mother in law, aunts etc etc and it's driving me crazy.

Snide comments about it etc.

AIBU getting irritated by it? They make me out to be some neurotic pfb mother who 'panders' to him!

Urgh, I get this constantly about 16mo ds. He still BFs to sleep and cosleeps, so like Famzilla I have a gold plated rod for my back if my bloody MIL is to be believed.

You can't stop people giving their "advice" but just breathe in slowly, smile and remember that YOU are the parent, and YOU are the one who makes the actual decisions about how to care for your baby.

Oh and noble giraffe - you are talking rubbish!

YANBU.

Have you got/tried a sling? The constant contact and closeness of a sling worked really well for me and for both my babies re reducing crying, and also freeing up my arms to do stuff when they wouldn't settle.

And no rod was made for my own back - they are both growing up to be outgoing self confident children.

Roweena- she isn't.

Yanbu

What worked for my screamy baby was

A wrap sling

Swaddling

Tiger in a tree

Laying her tummy down on my lap whilst rubbing her back

Being high up on my shoulders snuggled in.

Yep, I had this too. But from my GIL who doesn't speak any English (and sadly her language is not one of the two I speak!). When my DS was less than four weeks old she was trying to block my way to the pram or Moses basket because he 'had to learn to self settle'. She is a very intimidating person and I didn't have the confidence or energy to argue with her then.

I wish I'd discovered Mumsnet at that time as it was heartbreaking to hear him cry.

Ignore those telling you what to do against your instincts. Personally I like my rod

The thing is, it is your back - your baby, your decision, you who deals with the consequences. I think you respond to your own baby's cry in a visceral way that you don't to a random baby crying - that noise means he needs you.
Nod, smile, ignore - essential parenting skill you need to learn.

YANBU. He is so tiny, you cannot spoil him. I'm on baby 3 and I still get the 'rod for your own back' speech. Yes I do go to my baby every time she cries. Babies cry for a reason, even if it's just because they want a cuddle (and what's better than that?!). I could never leave my children to cry, and they are now two of the least clingy children I know.
Smile, nod and ignore.

Jeepers karinmaria I'd have put her on her arse for blocking my path to my baby.

Another BF cosleeper here (he didn't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time until 5 months so it was either a sidecar cot or extravagant homicide). People don't approve but so what? My back rod is nice and shiny, and I get a little bit of sleep.

You sound lovely and like you know your baby very well. I think your instincts are spot on. You can call me next time you are at the end of your tether (PM me for a number!) and I will give you a rod to smack your mum with

DD is 17 weeks old and my DC2, no leaving her either - it's not "new parent" behaviour, is "modern caring parent" behaviour.

Some older generation think the fact that managed to have one or two babies and get them to adult hood without killing them is evidence they know the best ways to raise DCs. "not killing them" is the bare minimum I expect from child raising, personally, I hope to do a bit better for my 2 than that. Ignore crap old advice based round making life easier for hte mum, not for the child.

YANBU.
It's important to be able to tell ppl how you feel without them insinuating that the problem is your fault.
IMO it should go:
fairy : "I feel really stressed and tired because baby is crying all the time. I can't handle it"
fairy's friend/ mum /auntie ((fairy)) it's really hard. You're not alone. Let me hold him for you/ run you a bath/ make you a / clean your floor...."

Fwiw. I too think slings can be great.

You should follow your instincts.

I agree with all of the comments above - i.e. of course you are right, but it will not actually do any harm to leave the baby somewhere safe for 10 mins so you can calm down etc. It is much better than bursting into tears or similar yourself.

Sometimes I think that people such are MILs or even husbands tell you to let them cry it out as an excuse for not offering to help you though! i.e. "I feel really guilty that you are going through this but cannot bring myself to offer help and give you a break. Therefore I will suggest something I know you will not want to do, and tell you that if you don't it is your fault you are tired."

I agree that CIO is not suitable for 14 week old although might be worth a go when he's a bit older. Whether you have baby that sleeps or not is probably just luck anyway, not down to whether your method is better/worse that someone else's.

One thing that I thought might help for first time Mums (just an experiment) is to imagine you also had a two year old to see to and you had to leave baby for a little bit. That should give you time just to sit down for 5 mins, or have a cup of tea, without feeling guilty... Doesn't do second time babies any harm to be left for a little while...

First thing to learn about parenting: Everbody has an opinion about what you are/not doing and there is ALWAYS someone who says you're doing it wrong.

You have to follow your gut and do what works for you and your child. I completely agree with what Baking said - for all the advice people are ready to dish out to you, it's YOU who has to deal with the crying, YOU who has to deal with the sleeping, YOU who has to deal with the feeding. You must learn to trust yourself and do what works best for you.

YANBU, I hate leaving them to cry.

Curlew - she is, it's just scaremongering to make mothers feel guilty and isn't helpful to anyone

there has been research though and it does suggest excess crying and not responding to your baby can be harmful

roweeena - noble giraffe is correct, so stop saying she's talking rubbish or scaremongering.

YANBU - ignore them.....be there for your baby...it's the best way in the end. No one so young becomes insecure from too much attention to their needs/fears etc.

I read all the CIO advice / material recently and the balance of evidence does appear to be that it is detrimental at a young age to ignore crying.

Of course that doesn't mean that CIO can't be the lesser of two evils...if you have no choice, or are at risk of crashing the car or throwing the baby out of the window then CIO is the safer option. But if you can manage without then that is better for baby in the long run.

Nothing new to add really, just wanted to add my vote to the YANBU side.

If he has reflux try propping him up pn his bouncer chair immediately after feeds than lying him down keeping him upright will prevent the acid in his tummy from coming back up. My ds had really bad reflux and he was on ranitidine & infant gaviscon for it. Speak to your gp if it gets teally bad.

Ignore those people, they must be jealous of you being such a lovely attentive mum thats why they are talking crap.

Raisah - he is on ranitidine. It has been great tbh. Like I say, he is genuinely a really good baby, sleeps well etc, he just likes to be held!!! MIL tried to tell me today that he had become 'naughty' I am practicing my deep breaths...