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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want MIL to stay for 3 months

171 replies

FatOwl · 01/10/2013 02:13

We live overseas and MIL lives alone in the UK (but SIL and her other grandchildren live in the same street)

She is becoming more difficult as time goes on (over fussy, unreasonable behaviour, extremely stubborn etc). She is physically in good health though, though can be forgetful. She is 77.

She is coming for xmas and new year.

She can't fly long haul on her own, she gets too confused, so we are flying her out with dd1 who is at uni in the UK (we have to tell her she is "bringing DD for us" because she won't believe she needs support through the airport) - arriving about 18th dec.

DD will need to be back at uni for 13th of jan so we'll probably fly them both back around the 10th Jan. They will both be here around three weeks.

DH now says he wants her to stay until the beginning of march when he is flying back to the UK on business.

Now if dh and MIL has a close loving relationship, that would be fine, but they row almost constantly, which I find very stressful.

When I asked him if he could really deal with his mother for three full months, he said well, she needs the company, it will be nice for her to "miss winter"

By company, he means me. It would be OK while dd1 was still here, but by the time she goes back, the other two dds are back at school, and dh is back at work, it will be down to me.

She has stayed that long before and I ended up very down. I like my own space. I came downstairs every morning for three months to find her sat ready to go with her handbag with an expectant "what are we doing today" face on.

She doesn't like Shopping. Or walking. Or the heat. She has visited us several times before, so doesn't want to do the tourist things again.

When she came for that long time before I naively thought she would make her own plans- there is a big expat retired community here- but no.

Dh is away about one week in three, so isn't even here (but at least that means they are not rowing I suppose.)

For the record, I would not be happy if my parents wanted to stay that long either. They normally come for about two- three weeks and it's enough.

I sound like a complete cow, but would AIBU to say I don't want her for that long and she needs to go back with DD1 mid-jan?

OP posts:

MadeOfStarDust · 02/10/2013 13:36

Yep - his family, my family, became OUR family when we got married..

MIL is not my mum, but she is a part of my family now.... I meet up with her sometimes for coffee - don't need to involve my hubby...

my mum sometimes asks hubby if he'll go round and fix the washing machine or whatever - doesn't need to go through me...

I find it a strange idea that everything has to go through the parent/"child" route, that if I am in town I wouldn't pick up a birthday card or whatever because it is HIS mum's birthday, not mine...

But what we do is talk and agree BETWEEN us on who is staying where for how long.... hubby would not present it as a done deal....

mmmm..... unless it was a short term fix - e.g. I told mum she could come here next week 'cos the boiler bust... a week maybe... a month ... no...

diddl · 02/10/2013 13:46

Wonder if OP's husband would be thinking of this if OP worked & wouldn't be at home to entertain his mum.

Wonder if he'd be thinking of it if he was the one at home & on entertainment duty!

It's difficult even if the other person fits in around what's going on.

My Dad would stay for a month a couple of times a year & do "helpful" things like wash up after breakfast-using a bowlful of water!

And I got sick of someone else being at the breakfast table when I'm used to time alone then.

Not unsurmountable, of course, but wearing enough after a month, let alone three!

maillotjaune · 02/10/2013 14:14

My MIL has stayed for a month on several occasions, and 3 months twice. Long back story that I won't bore you with but any positives in the relationship between DH and MIL and MIL and me were pretty much destroyed by her behaviour over these periods.

BecauseYoureGorgeous · 02/10/2013 14:19

I agree with MadeOfStarDust

BecauseYoureGorgeous · 02/10/2013 14:54

That is to say, I thin the line between in-law and parent blurs when you marry.

Original poster

FatOwl · 02/10/2013 15:13

Wow thanks for all your replies

DH is definitely being an arse.

We've had the conversation- I've said I'm happy for her to come for the holidays but I think she should go back with dd1. I've said I don't think I can be positive and welcoming for that long. I've mentioned home and medical insurance and everything else on this thread, but he waves his hand and says "oh that can be sorted out" I've asked if he has even asked if she wants to come that long and he says she says yes.

The only thing that he has backed down on is that we'll book their flight to return on 10th jan, but MIL's ticket will be open so we can change it so she can stay longer.

There is a college course i want to do, and there is part time module I can do two full days a week from Jan-march. DDs are 12 and 15 so can definitely manage if I do it.

I think I will be doing it.

And I'll say it again, he is an arse. And I'll (and MN) be proved right before Easter- look out for more AIBUs

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 02/10/2013 15:19

Well there's one thing to hold onto, FatOwl - if he and she really don't get on that well, he'll probably be gagging for her to go home in January!
In the meantime, college course sounds like a wonderful idea. :)

mistlethrush · 02/10/2013 15:21

We had MiL staying over the summer (well Easter until end of August). She has been ill so some of that time she was in hospital, and the rest of the time she has been recuperating. However, it has completely messed up our relationship - I thought we got on quite well, but something that she said towards the end of her visit made me realise what she really thinks about me and that's it - relationship scuppered. She has moved into a new house a few miles away - I've managed to put off visiting so far but am going to have to go this weekend. Not looking forward to it. The good thing about all of this is that DH was entirely on my side (and very relieved when she moved too).

garlicvampire · 02/10/2013 15:37

Looks like you'd better book that course, Owl - and any others you wanted to do! New gym programme, perhaps? AND volunteering with ex-pat thingies; they always take up loads of time, and will be "helpful for MIL to integrate with the community" while you're kept well away from her doing good deeds

Tend to agree with you about DH.

MirandaGoshawk · 02/10/2013 15:39

Ha ha - I would be thinking YANBU if your thread title had been "... for three HOURS".

Itsallabout · 02/10/2013 15:41

I do not envy you at all Fatowl.

We also live overseas and last year had visitors almost constantly for 6 months. Mil stayed for 9 weeks and it very nearly finished me off.
I have told Dh that if she ever comes again then I am leaving home.

Good Luck.

bigbrick · 02/10/2013 15:44

Is there an expat club with club house. She can go there everyday for activities

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 02/10/2013 15:45

He IS being an arse, OP. Was the question of who does what proportion of entertaining asked and answered? I think you need to sort that out, or at least try. If he's evasive I'd state very clearly that you're willing to entertain MIL for x days/mornings/afternoons/etc during her trip and no more.

I'd also hold out for the ticket back to be booked in Jan, and say that after that date you'll consider all your time your own again and will spend it doing the things you usually do with your day.

girlywhirly · 02/10/2013 15:50

OP, I don't think you're unreasonable. There is a good reason for MIL not to stay for 3 mths. At her age and getting forgetful, it will be a huge wrench for her to return home after so long and pick up where she left off with her life and look after herself. She may well become dependent on you and DH in 3 mths, institutionalised, which won't help her in the long run.

You say that she gets confused travelling, and that she doesn't want to do anything when she gets there because she's done it before or doesn't like anything else, my worry is that she will just stay at your home all the time and do the same thing day after day, and you and the grandkids will do more and more for her indirectly. So when she gets home to GB she will have to remember all the usual things that she does there and it will throw her completely.

And as her son, DH should be looking after his mother and not expect you to do it all. It's amazing what short memory he has about how long it takes before she and he have a row!

friday16 · 02/10/2013 15:57

he waves his hand and says "oh that can be sorted out"

By him. Obviously. Have nothing to do with it.

You don't say where you're living, but health insurance for three months for someone over 70 with pre-existing conditions will be expensive. Contents insurance for an absence of more than thirty days may involve changing insurance company, and might have substantial exclusions.

And will she be able to get a visa or entry stamp for long enough? Don't most places limit tourists to 90 days and get very arsey if you overstay? To the point they won't let you back in, which would be terrible.

OddSockMonster · 02/10/2013 15:58

Of course, if it all goes well for the full three months, you realise that it'll probably set a precident for future years.

I bet his comments of "she needs the company, it will be nice for her to miss the winter" will come back at this time next year too.

LouiseAderyn · 02/10/2013 15:59

Guests should be agreed between the two of you and if one says no and the other says yes then the no should win out because no one should be imposed upon in their own home.

In your shoes I would not let dh be dismissive of your feelings and if he is then you have to look at where your future lies. If you really dont want this and he insists, then he is a pretty shitty husband.

I would also make absolutely clear that she is his guest, not mine and I would take no responsibility for her.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 02/10/2013 16:02

Well said, Louise!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/10/2013 16:02

He's a massive arse.

NOOOOOOOOO.

mistlethrush · 02/10/2013 16:09

I'm sure that the school might have some places you could help out between Jan - March

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 02/10/2013 16:57

I really don't think the OP ought to 'solve' the problem by finding things to do that take her out of the house. It's her house!

OddSockMonster · 02/10/2013 17:02

How about you suggest that rather than having her to stay for three months in one go, she comes over to see you two or three times in the year for much shorter breaks. Would that work? Have you got any exciting local festivals or anything near you she'd enjoy?

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 02/10/2013 17:25

Are you sure she would even want to stay for three months? It is likely that she would find the situation just as difficult and would be happier going back earlier. Your DH seems to be making the decision on behalf of everyone involved.

Mr Rected and Crucru put the point very well. The tone of some of these posts is very patronising towards this elderly lady

juneau · 02/10/2013 17:39

Just tell him 'no' for goodness sake, unless, of course he's prepared to be at home with her for three months! You shouldn't have to reel off lots of reasons why - the fact that you don't want a house guest for three months should enough. Would he be prepared to entertain YOUR mother for three months??? If my DH was this unreasonable I'd bloody divorce him!

mistlethrush · 02/10/2013 17:41

Apple - would you want to 'entertain' your MiL everyday for 3 months when she doesn't want to do any of the things that would normally 'entertain' visitors? Particularly if you found her over fussy and stubborn?

Have you actually experienced living with your MiL for any extended period of time, without having had any say in the matter?

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