to not want MIL to stay for 3 months

[FatOwl]

We live overseas and MIL lives alone in the UK (but SIL and her other grandchildren live in the same street)

She is becoming more difficult as time goes on (over fussy, unreasonable behaviour, extremely stubborn etc). She is physically in good health though, though can be forgetful. She is 77.

She is coming for xmas and new year.

She can't fly long haul on her own, she gets too confused, so we are flying her out with dd1 who is at uni in the UK (we have to tell her she is "bringing DD for us" because she won't believe she needs support through the airport) - arriving about 18th dec.

DD will need to be back at uni for 13th of jan so we'll probably fly them both back around the 10th Jan. They will both be here around three weeks.

DH now says he wants her to stay until the beginning of march when he is flying back to the UK on business.

Now if dh and MIL has a close loving relationship, that would be fine, but they row almost constantly, which I find very stressful.

When I asked him if he could really deal with his mother for three full months, he said well, she needs the company, it will be nice for her to "miss winter"

By company, he means me. It would be OK while dd1 was still here, but by the time she goes back, the other two dds are back at school, and dh is back at work, it will be down to me.

She has stayed that long before and I ended up very down. I like my own space. I came downstairs every morning for three months to find her sat ready to go with her handbag with an expectant "what are we doing today" face on.

She doesn't like Shopping. Or walking. Or the heat. She has visited us several times before, so doesn't want to do the tourist things again.

When she came for that long time before I naively thought she would make her own plans- there is a big expat retired community here- but no.

Dh is away about one week in three, so isn't even here (but at least that means they are not rowing I suppose.)

For the record, I would not be happy if my parents wanted to stay that long either. They normally come for about two- three weeks and it's enough.

I sound like a complete cow, but would AIBU to say I don't want her for that long and she needs to go back with DD1 mid-jan?

No.

I had my best mate living with me for 3 months once and it really strained our relationship :(

I'm afraid you will have to simple say to your DH that you do not want his mother there for that long. Do it gently but be honest.

Has he really no idea how you feel already?

My DH is way more patient with old folk than me but wouldn't want to entertain my mother for 3 months. And I don't think any the less of him for it. 3 weeks is enough. A nice amount of time.

What will you do OP?
Clearly YANBU.

Oh my life. I love my mil dearly, and actually find her easier to get on with than my own mum, but could not deal with having her staying with us for that long. Particularly if she thought she had a right to be 'entertained' every. Single. Sodding. Day.

My brother once stayed with my sister for two weeks when she was living in Thailand. My sister, normally a very laid back person, later told me that she nearly fell out with him completely because he expected her to organise his days for him. I can't imagine how stressful it would be for three months!

I hope you can make your dh see how bad an idea this is.

I've had this, home and abroad for years! The problem, I find, is that as soon as Christmas and New Year are over I want to make plans,have a clear out, get going on the new year, and if someone is staying its like Narnia with eternal Christmas. I was looking forward to a short, sharp Xmas last year when MIL came to stay and broke her arm, thus being with us until February. I was happy to look after her, but I felt like my life wasn't my own until she'd gone home.
It's always a nice idea, for the person who isn't doing the looking after!

I think you should put it to him that she needs to go while you and she are still wishing she could stay longer rather than wishing she'd gone earlier.

My df used to like us to stay 1-2 weeks (sometimes the whole holiday) with his dm who was on her own. Only thing was she had a tiny 2 bed flat, and when 5 of us descended on her she only really coped with about 3-4 days before she needed her own space. She got cross, we got cross and all was not happy.

We enjoyed going and she enjoyed having us so much more when df realised this and we'd go for 3 days, extending it to 4 if it was going well.

Because I am a complete cow (and benefit from both DM and DMIL being in this country) we have a 3 night rule. Anymore and I start building up fermenting resentments.

3 MONTHS? My DP had my DM staying for a month recently when I was in hospital and it drove him not-so-quietly mad. You get to the point where even someone's BREATHING is irritating. And it just makes you feel like a horrid person because they're old, and they're being helpful, and you love them but...

Don't do it. It's not fair on anyone.

Families work when space and boundaries are respected by everyone. Your DH isn't respecting yours or MIL's.

I agree that you need to make it clear it is not acceptable for him to expect you to play hostess for this long, especially as previous experience would suggest neither you nor MIL would benefit from it.

As previous poster said, I doubt her house or travel insurance will cover for an extended period of 3 months. Could you suggest (as drawn from other posters' experience) that shorter visits are better on the basis of the insurance and that she could have a second future visit instead of one long one, perhaps tying this in with your DD's university holiday trips home to continue the "helping" idea?

You don't sound like a complete cow AT ALL! You are definitely much nicer than I am (admittedly that is not very difficult though). YADNBU!!!!

What if you got a calendar, and made him fill in every single day with what she can do that day: these must be actual viable things, researched....opening times checked, bus routes looked into etc....maybe then he will realise the enormity of being 'company' for a demanding guest.

Agree with some PP.
Tell him it's absolutely fine.
But you will be in the UK with your DD so you hope has enough holidays to take 3 months off to look after his OWN mother!!!

YABU

I would try to have a little compassion for an elderly woman in the last years of her life. When would she be able to do this again? ever?

I'd put myself out, and in fact have under similar circumstances and while it was far from convenient am so glad I did. She won't be around forwever.

I would speak to DH tho and tell him that if he wants MIL around for that length of time then he needs to try to be around more or help organise things for her to do.

I live overseas too. Last Christmas I had my parents and MIL for 3 months at the same time Yes it's hard going at times, especially when all I want is to get up and sit with a coffee and a newspaper in the garden, not organise housework (which is my mums priority over everything else first thing in the morning), think about meals for 8 (no dairy, spicy, foreign), outings etc and yes, I was relieved and happy to have the house back when everyone went home. But....this won't be the case for ever. They are all getting on in years and I know that somewhere down the line I'll be in the position where I'd do anything to have them round the table one last time.
One day I will be the MIL and no doubt my kids and their partners will think I'm a major PITA with strange ideas and idiosyncrasies and I'll do my best to be a thoughtful guest.
OP, lay down ground rules. Tell your MIL that while it's great to have her come, you are aware that she has done all the touristy stuff so will be arranging timetables/expat info etc so that she can sort herself out most days. Let her know you have many other commitments you need to carry on with. If she stays home and does nothing then so be it.

I really like my in laws but I found a two week holiday with them tough going towards the end. Three months?!?! Only if you live in Buckingham Palace and can hide in the East Wing.

No. Mine is staying with me currently. For one week. No more than that. My dh is at work so thinks it great. No. Just no.

No no no. Your DH basically wants happy glow of doing a 'good deed' that you actually do for him. It's your home, you have a right to reasonable space and privacy. Don't agree to it.

A few practicalities that may be useful in bolstering your arguments ...
Home insurance: Once your MIL is away from her home for 30 nights, her home/contents insurance is almost certianly not valid.
And who is going to notice if (for example) her pipes freeze and burst, and sort it out for her?
Travel insurance: probably extremely expensive at her age, but also may be hard to find for such a long trip.
Bills: When my parents went on a long post-retirement trip they paid bills over the internet, would your MIL be able to sort that? Also my parents frequently had stops put on their cards and accounts, despite telling the banks in advance about the trip. Could MIL cope with having to sort these things out from overseas? It could mean that UK bills were not paid, debt record, baliffs etc in a worst case.
Also does your MIL take any medication, and would se be able to get a supply near you, of the same thing? UK GPs are unlikely to prescribe a 3 month supply, and if they did could it be imported?

There are definitely was round all these things, but it all needs to be thought out.

I think this only really works if the person is happy to get out & about themselves/is happy to be ignored whilst you get on with your routine/happy to fit in with whatever is going on if invited.

My Dad is like this, fortunately, but having another person there can still be annoying-even if they're not too bad!

Does your MIL know DH is proposing a 3 month visit?

You don;t say that she wants to come for 3 months...

Personally I would just say no - a few weeks over Xmas and new year is plenty. Better to have her shorter periods more regularly. No point everyone being miserable (except your DH it seems)

Kew that occurred to me too. I'd hate to be a guest in someone's home for that long, so there's no reason why MIL would enjoy it.

From her pov 3 months could be too long in terms of unsettling her / her forgetting her routines / falling out of touch with her friends etc........ Could do more harm than good in long term?

YANBU. It's far far too long.

No. Just no. Even imagining my MIL coming for 3 months brings me out in a cold sweat, and I love her!

Your DH is being an arse - he seems very free with your time but not, interestingly, with his own. Given that it's you who'll have to do the bulk of the entertaining, I think you need to make it clear to him that this is not acceptable and unless he wants to take three months off work it's just not happening.

And to the two posters who think OP shoud 'make an old lady happy' - OP is already having MIL to stay over Christmas despite her not being a great houseguest. I know MrRected you say you wish you'd done this for your MIL, but I suspect you're only happy to state this because there's no chance of it actually happening to you. Given that you didn't do it at the time, I think it's a bit bloody rich of you to say that OP is being unreasonable in not doing something that you didn't do either!

I wouldnt mind my MIL staying for 3 months. Im sure many of us are, or will be, MIL ourselves one day & it would be unpleasant to think when you become older, confused or more cantankerous then you should be discarded as some kind of nuisance and your son will go along with this. Life cant be lovely and convenient all the time, can it? She's elderly and soon enough she wont be around for anybody to worry about.

However, I WOULD mind if it was a case of my DH's routine remaining unbroken and undisturbed ie..swanning off to work etc as per usual leaving me to sort her daily needs and social life. If he's going to take some time off to be there to actively play a part in that then its fine. If not then no, it isnt fine.

Dear God. No.