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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want MIL to stay for 3 months

171 replies

FatOwl · 01/10/2013 02:13

We live overseas and MIL lives alone in the UK (but SIL and her other grandchildren live in the same street)

She is becoming more difficult as time goes on (over fussy, unreasonable behaviour, extremely stubborn etc). She is physically in good health though, though can be forgetful. She is 77.

She is coming for xmas and new year.

She can't fly long haul on her own, she gets too confused, so we are flying her out with dd1 who is at uni in the UK (we have to tell her she is "bringing DD for us" because she won't believe she needs support through the airport) - arriving about 18th dec.

DD will need to be back at uni for 13th of jan so we'll probably fly them both back around the 10th Jan. They will both be here around three weeks.

DH now says he wants her to stay until the beginning of march when he is flying back to the UK on business.

Now if dh and MIL has a close loving relationship, that would be fine, but they row almost constantly, which I find very stressful.

When I asked him if he could really deal with his mother for three full months, he said well, she needs the company, it will be nice for her to "miss winter"

By company, he means me. It would be OK while dd1 was still here, but by the time she goes back, the other two dds are back at school, and dh is back at work, it will be down to me.

She has stayed that long before and I ended up very down. I like my own space. I came downstairs every morning for three months to find her sat ready to go with her handbag with an expectant "what are we doing today" face on.

She doesn't like Shopping. Or walking. Or the heat. She has visited us several times before, so doesn't want to do the tourist things again.

When she came for that long time before I naively thought she would make her own plans- there is a big expat retired community here- but no.

Dh is away about one week in three, so isn't even here (but at least that means they are not rowing I suppose.)

For the record, I would not be happy if my parents wanted to stay that long either. They normally come for about two- three weeks and it's enough.

I sound like a complete cow, but would AIBU to say I don't want her for that long and she needs to go back with DD1 mid-jan?

OP posts:
Tinlegs · 01/10/2013 21:41

I am unable to have sex with anyone staying (he thinks....). That ought to shorten her visit.

PuntCuffin · 01/10/2013 21:52

Don't do it. I am in the midst of this, with temporarily resident in-laws. 10 days in and I'm losing the will to live. I am going to have completely lost it by the time we get to three months.

ZingWantsCake · 01/10/2013 21:55

tinlegs

that's probably a good thing. sex with visitors is frowned upon!Grin

claudedebussy · 01/10/2013 21:57

put foot down with dh. don't tell her about idea!!!
yanbu

StanleyLambchop · 01/10/2013 21:57

Call me old fashioned but I'd rather have my kids care for me should I live into old age rather than strangers who don't give a damn about me in a care home.

You have every right to want that but you do not have a right to expect that your children comply. Presumably you did not have children just so that you could have carers in your old age. They have to want to do it. The OP does not want to entertain her MIL for three months. She is not BU.

OddSockMonster · 01/10/2013 22:04

A quarter of a year, in one go? No. Just no.

LouiseAderyn · 01/10/2013 22:14

The OP is not the mil's kid anyway. The dh is and he won't be looking after his elderly mother - he'll be fucking off to work and expecting the OP to do it!

Jux · 01/10/2013 22:15

Just remember, 'no' is a complete sentence.

YANBU.

CeliaLytton · 01/10/2013 22:29

I am always suspicious of those who say they now regret their actions. Did no one advise them that having MIL to stay for 3 months would be a nice thing to do? Probably, and they ignored them to keep their sanity. All well and good to be reflective and sympathetic after the event and when it is not you.

OP, YANBU. Talk to her about the 3 week visit, ask her if she would like you to arrange things to do, places to go etc. if she does not want to do anything independently then it would be unreasonable to be expected to entertain her for 3 months.

My mother loves us all very much. But the thought of living with any of us for 3 months without her own space would bring her out in a cold sweat!

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 01/10/2013 22:30

I would simply refuse. That is too much to ask of you. I was an expat and 3 week visits are plenty long enough even for the most lovely of visitors.

alternatively, you will just have to LTB (I may not be joking Confused )

MousyMouse · 01/10/2013 22:34

yanbu
just book her ticket for jan or for yourself to return in march when she's gone
don't ask, just do.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor · 01/10/2013 22:38

I wonder how many women invite their parent(s) to stay for extended periods of time and leave their husbands/partners to look after them for 99% of the time Hmm

MistressIggi · 01/10/2013 23:53

Is it because the OP doesn't (I gather from the post) work, does her dh think this is just an extension of her sahm/hostess duties? Would be easier minding dcs though than a needing-entertained adult.

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 02/10/2013 09:37

My own Mum is the most lovely person in the whole world and I get on with her brilliantly. I only ever invited her to stay for a month max and that was because DH was travelling and I had little babies or was pregnant etc. 3 months of anyone is hard work, especially if you are expected to be a 'host' IYSWIM

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 02/10/2013 10:31

Remark to your DP in all innocence how lucky his mother will be to have his company all day, every day for three months.

TheFabulousIdiot · 02/10/2013 10:37

YANBU.

He will have to take three months off work to look after her.

MadeOfStarDust · 02/10/2013 10:46

I don't "get" the husband will have to take time off thing.... when I married my hubby, MIL became part of my family, and I of hers...

If I were at home and we had folk staying, of course I would play hostess - WHOEVER it was....

I would not want to have MIL in my house for 3 months, not because she is "his" family, but because I don't want ANYBODY else in my house for that long...

Just say it is too long... often... to everyone.... especially hubby.... YOU are the only one who can MAKE it NOT happen....

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 02/10/2013 11:17

StarDust, as things stand it sounds as though the husband is intending for his life to go on much as normal while the OP does the extra cooking/cleaning/hosting/entertaining/tour-guiding that would be required. Three months is a long time to host anyone and a couple should work as a partnership so it's not too onerous on either one.

ZingWantsCake · 02/10/2013 11:24

my mum stayed for 6 weeks once. I needed the help as I had to have ELSC with DS4.
four kids under 5.5 and school runs and new baby and revovering post op and illnesses and 2 bouts of mastitis......we were ready to kill each other by the end of it.
granted our personalities clash and it wasn't my MIL so I could voice my opinion (which is a double edged sword) but still.

3 months is insane.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 02/10/2013 12:15

3 months is too long.
Since he seems to have no idea of the stress of continuous entertaining, I would insist your DH takes full responsibility for entertaining MIL during the weekends of her stay. Off out good and early and not home until evening. And perhaps some overnight stays... You can recharge your batteries during these days.

While that is probably not likely to happen, he should play a much more active role in the entertaining of your MIL during the visitn.

DontmindifIdo · 02/10/2013 12:41

Stardust - mot people don't feel like though, I really get on with my MIL, but she's my DH's mum, not mine.

Agree that the hardest bit is that the DH will return to work and his life will be just the same, but with his mum around in the evenings/weekends. The OP will have to either leave an elderly woman alone all day (rude) or bring her along with what she normally would do all day (not automatically possible) or put her own life and plans on hold for 3 months, that's before you think about the extra work another adult in the house brings (the extra cleaning, cooking etc).

olgaga · 02/10/2013 12:44

Not sure how old your younger DC are so it may not be fair for you to go back to the UK with DD1.

I would enquire about volunteering opportunities (maybe at your DC school?), part-time day training courses you could enrol on in your area, or even part-time jobs.

Make it clear to your DH it'll be quite lonely for DMil if he doesn't take time off.

Your are his wife and the mother of his children, not a member of staff expected to take instruction from him.

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow · 02/10/2013 12:52

But why should OP have to get a job so that mil can't stay?

No is a complete sentence - i am surprised dh is even asking, especially if they don't really get on. There's no way I could have anyone - whoever it was - to stay that long.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/10/2013 13:06

Besides, if OP were a member of staff, her DH would have to amend her contract. Which would probably include having to pay more for the extra responsibility.

My MIL was a total sweetie, but... three months? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

LouiseAderyn · 02/10/2013 13:06

Mistressiggi if the husband is viewing this as an extrntion of sahm 'duties' then he needs to he disabused of that notion quick smart. A sahm is not staff - it is not her husband's place to provide jobs fir her to do during the day. A sahp 'job' is to look after the kids so that the wohp is able to concentrate on work and not have to worry about childcare.

I would go ape shit if my dh tried ti dump this on me.

Do people view their ils as their own family? Maybe I am weird, but I don't. I view them as my husband's family and my dcs grandparents, but responsibility for entertaining them isnt mine.